Responding to Accusations
Kerry Patterson is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.READ MORE
Dear Crucial Skills,
I read Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations and have tried to implement the skills in the books, but I still have a hard time dealing with accusations. The problem is that the first instinct when someone accuses you is to restore safety or use contrasting to solve the misunderstanding, but the accuser does not seem to be affected by those actions. Instead, they continue to draw incorrect conclusions about you or something you did. I’m sure a lot of people experience this same issue. What am I missing here and what is the best way to reply to someone who wrongly accuses you?
Struggling with Accusations
Dear Struggling,
Thank you for raising this important issue. Over the years, we’ve taught a variety of skills in our books and training, but only rarely have we written scripts or shot video examples where the conversation starts with the other person accusing you. Of course, not all accusations are alike. It might feel more like a slight chiding or a gentle reminder. In this rather innocuous case, you can assess the feedback and adjust accordingly.
However, I believe the accusation you have in mind is more akin to a tense, sharply delivered statement that not only accuses you of malfeasance, but feels like an attack. As you fall under a verbal assault—say one that questions your reliability, integrity, or talent—it’s likely you’ll become angry in return. When this happens, your natural response to what feels like a mild physical threat is to move from your “know” to your “go” system and react in a defensive and also stupid way.
If you allow your “go” system to take charge, you will indeed, be less controlled and logical than is optimal for the circumstances and become blinded to most rational thought. In addition, when someone questions your character, it serves as an emotional accelerant. Between the perceived threat to your safety and the apparent attack on your character, you’re now pumping adrenaline, thinking with the most basic part of your brain, and neck deep in a shouting match or worse.
To best respond to an accusation or attack, start by dealing with your own growing anger. Cut it off before the adrenaline slips into your blood stream. Take a deep breath and reinterpret the attack, not as a threat to your safety—unless it actually is, in which case you need to exit—but as a misunderstanding that has caused the other person to become frustrated or maybe even angry with you. This switch helps you turn from being angry—you’ve judged them as bad and wrong and deserving of a good tongue lashing—to becoming curious.
When you become genuinely curious, you reignite your center for logic and reason and turn off your anger response. Now you want to know exactly why the other person drew such a harsh conclusion about you. Instead of an emotional defender, you’re now a relatively calm detective trying to get to the source of the other person’s anger.
The mystery you’re trying to solve is the following: “What exactly did I do that led you to that conclusion?” You’ll have to search for the answer because as soon as others become upset they’re very likely to lead with their conclusions or accusations against your character. It’s now your job to get to the behavior behind the accusation.
You may be tempted to start with a contrasting statement, but you’ll have to be careful not to end up with a correcting statement masked as a contrasting one. For example, “You say I can’t be trusted, but I believe you’re wrong!” (Bad) Or, “I didn’t intend to make you angry. I was just trying to do my job.” (Better, but it still sounds defensive) Instead of starting with a contrasting statement, become a detective. Probe to find out the source of the other person’s anger. For instance, “I’m not sure what I did that led you to conclude I can’t be trusted. Could you tell me exactly where I went wrong?”
Say this with sincerity laced with concern, but remain focused on the science. What were your actual behaviors? By searching for the facts and avoiding the conclusions, it allows the other person to share his or her complete view of the circumstances. This serves two important purposes. The accuser will have time to calm down—the adrenaline doesn’t go away in an instant—and you will learn more about the details of the situation.
In addition, when angry, the other person really wants to make sure he or she has been heard and understood. So, repeat back the details of the description to ensure you have them right. Continue to probe for your action behind the conclusion. Left to their own, many people just move from sharing one conclusion to sharing another. Try something like: “So you think I was selfish? What part of what I did seemed selfish to you?”
As the other person begins to share the details of the precipitating event, avoid the temptation to correct any of their statements of fact until you’ve earned the right to do so. By thoughtfully and carefully listening to his or her ugly and angry conclusions and eventually getting to the underlying facts, you’re now to the point where you can add your views. Take care; this puts you at risk once again. Don’t start with your corrections to his or her facts. Instead, explain how you can see how the other person might have come to his or her conclusion, but you have a different view on the matter. Start by sharing the elements you agree with and then point out how you see certain elements differently. This may be the time when you share your honest intentions: e.g., you weren’t trying to make this person look bad in front of the boss, you were simply trying to lend a hand.
Because you’ve taken care to sort out the facts, thoughtfully listen, allow the anger to subside, and tactfully share your view, you’re finally ready to engage in honest dialogue. But know this process takes time and patience. Left to your own proclivities, you may want to fight back. This will fuel the fires of anger and is likely to confirm the other person’s existing poor conclusions about you. Become a concerned detective, not a defender.
All the best,
Kerry
I thought there was a good video example about this in Crucial Conversations training in the Ask For Others’ Paths. In the video, Melinda accuses Rick of submarining her in the meeting by asking a question during Melinda’s presentation. Rick uses his AMP skills to help dig into the problem. Maybe you could make this available to the readers of this newsletter. Like Kerry says, it is about being curious rather than defensive. Easier said that done, sometimes.
I thought there was a good video example about this in Crucial Conversations training in Lesson 9, Ask For Others’ Paths. In the video, Melinda accuses Rick of submarining her in the meeting by asking a question during Melinda’s presentation. Rick uses his AMP skills to help dig into the problem. Maybe you could make this available to the readers of this newsletter. Like Kerry says, it is about being curious rather than defensive. Easier said that done, sometimes.
Responding to Accusations: I agree with your advice but believe there is another point that needs to be discussed. The writer was verbally attacked, accused of doing or not doing something, by a co-worker and doesn’t understand why the co-worker is attacking them. Could the verbal accusation be due to the writer’s competence and the attacker’s lack of competence concerning the work they are doing?
I am competent and understand I will most likely be verbally belittled in the meeting and in front of our supervisor when I demonstrate my competence. Demonstrating my competence inadvertently and simultaneously also demonstrates my co-workers’ lack of competence. The co-workers who are competent and have high self-esteem don’t have a problem when my competence is demonstrated. I have found out that the only co-workers who will verbally attack another co-worker are those co-workers who are incompetent and have low self-esteem.
It sounds like the writer is competent and the complaining co-worker is not competent.
Great article and response. It helps me a great deal. Thank you very much.
Responding to accusations is probably one of the most challenging situations people encounter. You did an excellent job of describing the emotional reactions for both parties, and it is the emotional reaction that keeps us from responding well. Excellent description for how to proceed.
I have not had the pleasure of attending Crucial Confrontations but this article captures the essence of what I learnded in Crucial Conversations and addresses the scenario perfectly in my view. It would seem the approach described works equally well in domestic situations.
@Kevin
You can get rid of comment #1 - I tried to edit it, but that became comment #2. Thanks!
Your comments brought to mind an incident that occurred several years ago that illustrates the veracity of some of the principles presented in your books and trainings. If it will be helpful to others, please feel free to share it.
I had been tasked by our CFO with obtaining vital year-end bonus figures from the managers of three of our companies. The managers responded in their usual styles – thorough and prompt (two) – haphazard and last-minute (one). On this occasion, however, the last-minute manager was so late that he did not get the promised information to me before a managers’ meeting the afternoon prior to the day of the company Christmas party. The CFO was new to the company and, when he learned during a break that the bonus checks for that company had not only not yet been prepared but the required information had not even been received, he publicly dressed me down for my incompetency and he and the manager missed a portion of the balance of the meeting while they met and pieced together the necessary information.
The employees who were exposed to the dressing down were aware of my repeated attempts to obtain the required information as well as the offending manager’s style. Astonished by the CFO’s lack of professionalism and lack of comprehension in the matter, I decided to withhold comment until emotions on both sides subsided.
Mid morning the following day, I asked the CFO if I could have a word with him regarding the bonus check incident – to which he consented. I said hat I could understand how it may have appeared that I had not acted responsibly. I reminded him that the information from two of the three managers had been received in a timely manner, shared with him my numerous reminders to the offending manager as well as the broken promises of compliance, and expressed my delight that even with the last-minute debacle the day prior it was the earliest that we had ever completed the bonus checks. He called in the Controller and asked if the bonus checks had ever been prepared this late. The Controller, with a look of total astonishment, said that, thanks to my efforts, this was the earliest that they had ever been prepared.
Without apologizing, the CFO said that he wanted me to make sure that information necessary to prepare future bonus checks was received and that the checks were prepared well ahead of time. I said that the only way I could guarantee that would be for him to authorize me to go around the offending manager and solicit the information directly from the supervisors who report to him and submit my own figures for what I thought the supervisors should be given – and that I thought such authorization would not be advisable as it would undermine the manager’s authority. He told me to make the request of the offending manager each year and then circumvent him if the information was not promptly provided – which is what I did.
When I opened my bonus check, it had been reduced to 20% of the original amount – on the direct order (I later learned) of the CFO. The CFO and the manager are no longer in our employ.
I like what you said and is a effective approach if I could overcome the “GO system” or the “Automatic Defense System” responses that happen in less then a second but thinking responses do not kick-in that fast. Therefore how do you regulate the “GO system” and get to the thinking system? How much practice does it take to get to the thinking system as you said “This switch helps you turn from being angry—you’ve judged them as bad and wrong and deserving of a good tongue lashing—to becoming curious.”?
I find it helpful to clarify the intention of the “attacker” before beginning to problem solve. I find that this helps to model professional behavior and helps the “attacker” to assume responsibility for their actions/reactions. Remaining in the “I” for my statement, I would say something like, “I am feeling attacked right now. I do not want to misinterpret your intentions, so I am checking in with you to see if my perception is accurate.” This response does two things. It gives me an opportunity to validate my own reaction to the accusation. It also gives the other person an opportunity to step back from their attack without losing “the fight.” Most of the time the other party claims that it was not their intention and a crucial conversation regarding the real items of concern can occur. I believe the methods described in the article are effective for the one incident, but have less success in changing a habitual attacker’s communication style.
Kerry: My husband and I are are still savoring the wonderful piece you wrote called Wild Mushrooms. Thank you for such a relevant story — it applies to raising teenagers, managing employees and is a beautifully written story. Happy New Year to you and everyone at Vital Smarts!
Another excellent article as always. I particularly like the ‘”know” to your “go”‘ analogy. My concern is in the use of the “I” statements for two reasons. First, in my experience, this seems to solidify the accuser’s perception that their behavior is acceptable or at least tolerable and that the accused is conceding to the accusation. Neither which detracts from the intensity of the situation. This stance also minimizes the responsibility on the accuser to avoid such behavior in the future with the same person or others. Something that needs to be impressed upon post haste.
It’s always desirable for all parties to leave the situation with their heads held high but there are also workplace harassment, libel, slander and other laws that come into effect with these behaviors. Taking the high road is one thing. At the same time, removing behaviors that can ultimately jeopardize the company’s finances and reputation cannot be forgotten either.
This brought to mind a quote I recently read from Byron Katie:
Defence is the first act of war…. thought that was apropos
This article really helped me. I am dealing with the same issue. In my church group a woman at the table I feel wrongly accused me and it made me very upset so I didn’t trust myself to address this at all at the time. So now the next time I see her I know how to start. I will actively listen with curiousity and concern then to safely recap what I heard, see how she came to her conclusions and tell how I see it differently.