I was in a situation like this. After about one year of tension with a co-worker I decided to sit down with the person, step out of the content and touch on the process and ask what I may have done to contribute to the situation. I said “Over the past several months I have noticed our relationship has become strained and I am unsure what I may have done to contribute to that. I am hoping you would tell me what happened so I can atleast understand it and possible help to fix any damage.”
It turned out that I did something that offended that person 10 months earlier and she decided to silence me out. I apologized, said that I had no idea. We talked about the incedent from both sides and now have a better relationship. It’s not fantastic, but it’s enough to be comfortable.
Good luck.

Hi,
In reading the “cold shoulder” story, I see that the main burden is being placed on the person “left in the cold”.
I would definately view this behaviour as a form or workplace harrassment towards a co-worker. Though not physical or verbal, it is psycological and should be dealt with accordingly.

Just my 2 cents

I have seen this same scenario happen to a coworker. He was part of a small independent work group which was allowed a lot of freedom and liberties as long as the expected results were delivered. The group had a history of resolving issues within the group which had the added benefit of keeping them off of management’s radar. When he joined the group, rather than learn to function in the group, he began to play the role of the victim. He felt his ideas weren’t received and accepted like he thought they should be. When his shift fell on a holiday, he felt that the others manipulated the schedule. If someone teased him (which was a common occurrence between everyone in the group), he was being picked on and if you didn’t tease him like you did the others, he was being excluded, etc. etc. etc. Rather than resolve his issues in the group, he took them to management, which in turn brought unwanted attention from and meddling by management in a group that up to that point had successfully managed its own affairs. This led to silence as people were afraid that whatever they would say to him would be taken wrong or reported to management out of context. He stopped taking breaks or going to lunch with the group which just served to further isolate him from those he wanted to get along with. Eventually he chose to leave the company.
The crucial skill of starting with yourself might have saved him from leaving a job that he otherwise enjoyed. Of course, it is often most difficult to see and own our own involvement in a situation. Unfortunately, once he took his issues to management, the people in the group who could have given him the honest feedback that he needed, no longer had the safety to do so.
I would encourage Ignored to take a long hard look at his own actions. Does he work within the group norms? Do his present actions only work to further isolate himself? Is he willing to accept that others have a different view of the world than he does?

Personal responsibility is important, as Dan notes. Always start with what you can do about yourself.

However, gang behavior, of which exclusion and formal shunning are common techniques, is not uncommon in work groups. Exclusion and shunning is also common when there are strong cultures that drive people to be alike - i.e., fundamental respect for diversity in thought, style, appearance, etc. is not an active behavior. If it is just regular gang behavior, then there is typically one dominant personality who unofficially is the gang leader (usually the most dominant personality). I wonder, since management told the employee not to confront, if this is happening in this group. The shunning could be driven by the gang leader’s personal motives. It’s creepy to think of, but hey, it happens all the time.

Even if this is the case, it is the responsibility of everyone on a team to behave respectfully . Management should be involved and enable a positive work environment. If it is the employee’s actions that have caused the situation, then they need to have the crucial conversation to convey this. They are also responsible for creating an environment where issues can be discussed safely and without retribution for anyone involved.

If I was in this situation, I would ask to go along to lunch - approach someone who is not the gang leader and just ask. Take oppportunities to interact with a variety of people in the group each day. Gradually try to join in, not making a big deal out of any particular issue, just gradually participating more. In addition to gang leaders with sometimes really bad intentions, there are always people with open hearts and minds who will be supportive. Once you’ve joined in, the opportunity for a crucial conversation will arise and you will be ready. If you like the job, don’t give up.

The behavours described by “ignored” fall under the definition of bullying. The organization, through it’s leaders are responsible for ensuring its employees are not exposed to it. Check your organization’s policies, inform your managers and, if they do nothing, get a lawyer.

Well, unlike some others I have and still dealing with a similar situation and have been for almost four years. However, within the last year I decided to inform my manager, as well as Human resources, none the less, nothing has happened and I have done everything that Human Resources suggested from me to do, one is to take a crucial conversation class. I think it’s a same that people in the work place behaviors are as middle school and teenage kids. Once someone has a slight ought against you, it can lead to the silence treatment, and less involvement work related issues.

I have learned to deal with it more, and release myself through communication with others, and simply knowing that it is not all my fault, when someone does not want to see you excel, anything and everything will appear out of thin air especially if your dealing someone who has leadership, from Manager to team lead. My release now is to go home and forget, all though there has been times that I have showed frustration at work but not where anyone knows, that is the worst that you could ever do when your receiving the cold shoulder.
However, I agree with it being a psychological factor, because like I said, It took me almost two years before I said, this is how I’m going to handle it and then not let it affect me when I got home, now I’m demanding that my manager do something about it, and if nothing happens, I agree with #5, get a lawyer.

It’s even worse when the person doing the ‘freezing’ is your boss. Mine speaks to me only when he wants something or it criticize. I am not the only person to experience this and going to his boss is not an option…he reports to the president of a large university who could care less how he behaves. The reason I stay is that I love the work I do and my colleagues….and I hold the sincere hope that he will resign and go somewhere where he is happier.

I continue to be amazed by how you guys apply the principles of your books to real-life situations. I await the newsletter with great anticipation; in it I have seen my story told time and time again. I appreciate the straightforward, easy to follow advice.

I am reminded, each day, of the work that lies ahead of me. Yet, I look to it with enthusiasm and excitement rather than fear and dread. Thanks for being there.

I would be curious to know if a lawyer finds any legal recourse for the situation described. Having endured a similar situation for many years and continuing to do so, I have attempted many different corrective measures. At one point I consulted two lawyer friends who agreed that this type of behavior does not fall under a legally protected class of discrimination, such as gender or race.

As a company manager, I have a situation where a person was transferred from a dept. manager with four reports to a stand along dept. She wanted this and suggested it after I planted a couple of slightly connected ideas as food for thought. Her reports were overjoyed. I would not say they shun her outright, but she has expressed frustration of not feeling a part of that crowd anymore. She is the kind of person who wants to know everything going on anyway. Her complaints are more about lack of social interaction and not about job function.

Do I have a responsibility to tell that dept. that she feels like an outsider now? Reader resposes welcome.

I am an HR professional who expereinced the same bullying detailed above. For example, a leader lied to an IN-subordiante, saying I tried to keep her from being promoted. Everyone was mad at me, until they realized that the statements were inconsistent with my character, and lies were consistent with theirs. I am shocked that the leaders haven’t supported Ignored and that everyone went along with the silent treatment. I would request mediation, and develop a well thought out list of things I need in the workplace, like open, honest, direct communication, respect, etc. If you don’t know a mediator, call the nearest Federal HR Employee Relations Office and ask if they can help you or refer you to someone who can. I wouldn’t get a lawyer. They cost money, and what can they do for your other than file an EEO complaint?

I had a similar situation with a co worker, when I found out she was going to a director above my manager and lying about me. I was called in and unfortunately not given the oppurtunity to confront my accuser they took her word for it. This particular employee used the same senario before on a different employee. One would think the directors would see a pattern in her actions but they haven’t yet. When she thought she was going to get in trouble she found a way to turn the situation on someone else before she got in trouble. I also chose to not converse with her or as little as possible because I didn’t trust her. I never knew if something I said would set her off , so it was easier not to give her any fuel. If the person that wrote in (co workers are not speaking to her )or inviting her to join them ,she probably has lost their “trust.” I still believe in co workers talking to each other and work out misunderstandings there are lots of trust issues and hurt feelings once a situation has been taken to superiors. Managers in my opinion should hear the employee out but then the other employee involved should be present and the other side should be listened to with both parties present. The employee that I worked with has since transferred and word has it she is still crying wolf and it is still working for her.

Another thing you can do is develop outstanding relationship with your leaders so they don’t believe the lies. Sometimes they side with liars because it servces their political ends. Also, if you can’t acquire a free mediator, considering PAYING for them YOURSELF. You want peace and work and employment, don’t you?

I overheard my supervisor on the phone complaining about someone – and realized it was me! I’d been completely unaware that she was upset about anything so I sent her an email, asking to meet with her to clear the air. We sat down and she immediately asked how I’d ever figured out she’d been talking about me. She was clearly angry and upset so I chose my words carefully. It turned out that she’d sent me an email requesting that I handle something, and my email response offended her. That email had occurred over two weeks earlier, so I couldn’t have been more shocked! Then she said that she’d already discussed this with our HR Rep, which I thought was really out of line as she should have approached me first. HR told her to write a summary of the situation, so she did and they said it was way too angry, so she had to tone it down. She toned it down, and they said it was still way too angry!

If only I had taken the time to spell out my point of reference! I had two interviews for this position and at both interviews I was asked if I’d be able to take a “more relaxed” attitude towards certain responsibilities (ie, not be a bulldog regarding various policies). I said it wouldn’t be a problem and it hadn’t been. But her email specifically asked me to enforce one of those policies, so in my email response I asked whether the department administrators would stand behind me if the staff refused to comply (my enforcing this policy would halt important work that had specific deadlines). I was still new on the job but already recognized that staff were used to getting their way; new guidelines were rarely followed or enforced. She interpreted my email in a different manner than I could have ever anticipated. Part of what I overheard her saying on the phone was that I sounded more like a secretary than a professional and that she shouldn’t have to hold my hand to handle a simple responsibility like that.

I probably didn’t handle this the appropriate way, but during our meeting I must have apologized to her about five times. I explained what I’d been thinking when I responded to her email; I repeated that I was more than willing to handle the responsibility and was just trying to be proactive as staff would undoubtedly test the new boundaries, etc. She finally said that “perhaps” her reaction had been a little too severe, but things between us have never been the same. She exploits the power that accompanies her position but it doesn’t help to go over her head as the person she reports to has had numerous and serious complaints against his behavior. I’ve been looking for a different job for quite some time but the job market is really tight. It’s created a very stressful workplace for me; I have to remind myself that even if she doesn’t value me or my work, this won’t be the last job I hold and things won’t be this way forever.