ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kerry Patterson is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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  Dear Crucial Skills,

I’ve worked in nonprofit organizations for many years and have both observed and participated in the telling of angel stories—essentially the opposite of villain stories. I see a pattern of supervisors excusing problematic behavior because the employee in question has a really good heart and, therefore, good intentions. It seems to be a similar phenomenon to the helpless stories mentioned in Crucial Conversations, but I’m wondering if you have any additional insight into this particular kind of story.

Stumped by an Angel

Thanks for your interesting and thought-provoking question. You’re right, not all stories we tell ourselves about other people are negative. Instead of immediately imputing bad motive or evil intentions to others (the most common form of storytelling) sometimes we invent a cover-all positive motive. Then, as you’re suggesting, we excuse the problem because the person has a good heart.

Now, when you say that you “excuse” the other person, I’m guessing that you mean one of two things. Either you talk to the person, solve the problem, but don’t impose any sanctions or, and this is the more likely choice, you turn a blind eye to the problematic behavior. After all, this is a well-intended person. And within the walls of a not-for-profit organization, the person in question might even be a volunteer. Who’s going to confront a well-intended volunteer?

Let me address the second response—you chose not to say anything to the “angel” because, by golly, they’re just so nice, gracious, and always wanting to do the right thing. This is a mistake. As tempting as it is to say nothing to others about problems they create, remaining mum can be quite dangerous. It allows the problem to continue, it deprives the other person of what could be helpful feedback, and it adds to a culture of poor or missing accountability. Plus, and this is a slightly more obscure (but equally true) consequence, it burdens the other person with a label (albeit a nice one) that is simplistic and hard to live up to.

Just how serious is categorizing individuals as good hearted, and then letting their bad behavior go unaddressed? Well, when it comes to the person holding the good thoughts, certainly it’s better to think well of others than it is to always assume the worst. Nevertheless, when it comes to the consequences to the organization, thinking good thoughts and allowing incompetence to continue can be devastating.

Over the years, I’ve made the following observations about the varied (and potentially dangerous) blends of likability and competence. People who are incompetent and unlikeable—well, they’re obviously history, usually they’re the first out the door. Not only do they screw up, but nobody wants to work with them. People who are likable and competent tend to have long, rich careers wherever they choose to work. And, people who are unlikable and competent are generally cordoned off and left alone.

And let’s not forget the final and most dangerous combination—folks who are incompetent but likable—the “angel” you’ve referred to. On bad days they’re referred to as “dead wood.” Whatever their label, they can kill your company. They don’t contribute, but manage to hang on for years anyway.

Underlying the strategy of being kind to people with a good heart you’ll find an erroneous assumption. We’re hesitant to hold pleasant people accountable—because we think doing so is in some way harsh, mean, or insensitive. We don’t want to hurt nice people and the mere act of pointing out a problem is hurtful. Isn’t it?

Underlying this assumption you’ll find a predictable pattern. We hold back on saying something to a poor performer (for the reasons just outlined), become increasingly annoyed with their substandard output, and then eventually say something—but with at least a harsh tone, and maybe even in a hurtful way—confirming our suspicion that talking about problems is a hurtful thing.

The solution to all of this is to rid ourselves of the notion that talking to people about problems is inherently harsh or insensitive. It isn’t. It’s often the most helpful and kind thing we can do—that is, if we don’t allow ourselves to put it off until we’re angry and ineffective. Describing the problem in clear, un-inflammatory terms, and then simply asking the other person for his or her point of view provides a wonderful start to what can then be an important problem-solving conversation. The other person is now aware of your point of view and the two of you can openly discuss what, if anything, needs to improve.

My coauthors and I cover this interaction in detail in our book Crucial Conversations, so there’s more to be done than simply getting off on a good foot, but for now, at least, I’d like to keep my focus on the underlying cause.

Let’s not burden people with unhelpful labels. It keeps us from simply talking to them as fellow human beings. Let’s also not continue to hold the belief that talking about problems is inherently hurtful. Talking openly, honestly, and professionally is generally the most humane response.

Kerry

ABOUT THE EXPERT
Steve Willis is a master trainer and vice president of professional services at VitalSmarts.
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I’m on the road training almost every week—training here, training there, training, training everywhere. So, it’s a rare and nice occasion when I can be in my home state of Utah for three or more consecutive days. And, it’s even nicer when those consecutive days involve the annual REACH Conference.

REACH 2010 was held August 4-5 in Salt Lake City. It was great to see so many familiar faces from sessions I’ve conducted over the years and to meet so many new certified trainers. I loved catching up with people and especially loved the new ideas and insights they shared about how they are using VitalSmarts training materials. One new insight came from David Zinger, a Certified Trainer from Manitoba, Canada.

David has a great way to prepare his participants to engage in exercises. While I’ll highlight how he uses it to set up the Angry Accountant exercise in Crucial Conversations, I want to emphasize that this approach is not limited to this specific exercise or program.

After he introduces the first skill of Master My Stories, David asks participants to turn to page 140 in their manuals and take a couple of minutes to read and discuss the definitions of facts and stories with a statement like this, “Take a couple of minutes to review the definitions on page 140 because we’re going to use them in the next exercise.” He gives them a chance to review and talk about the definitions and then launches them right into an exercise that allows them to put those definitions to use. This exercise puts the responsibility for learning squarely on the participant and puts you in a position to coach and clarify.

I encourage you to try this out in one of your own upcoming sessions (In fact, I used this approach today during an Influencer class) and I think you’ll agree with me that David is definitely on to something here—Thanks again, David!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Candace Bertotti is a Master Trainer.
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What should I do if I have an entire group/team attending the training that is very bitter and angry with management and resistant to change?

This is a great question. Let me share a few tips that may be helpful to think about.

1. If you have the opportunity to work with this group in their intact work team, I recommend engaging them in the activity on page 165 of the toolkit (page 139 of the trainer guide)—the optional Team Application for Master My Stories in Module 7. It’s probably one that they didn’t do in the Crucial Conversations class—so it will be new to them. The key for you is to make it safe for them to fully engage and use their skills to speak honestly, openly, and with respect.
2. Get them to acknowledge the costs of the status quo. What’s the cost of doing nothing? What’s the cost if they aren’t open and honest with one another?
3. Have them share success stories. While it can be daunting to take on a huge entrenched problem (like an angry, bitter culture that’s resistant to change), it can be helpful, motivating, and even inspiring to hear how others’ small steps have yielded results.
   Seek out opinion leaders and encourage them to share where they’ve been successful.
4. Finally, remind them that even if they try and just do a “pretty good” job of using the skills (vs. a perfect job), they can still get better results. Sometimes simply changing a few words, or the intent of an approach can dramatically alter how the other person reacts.

Good Luck!
Candace

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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Dear Crucial Skills,

I need help with an ongoing issue. My manager is very negative and nothing ever seems to be good enough for him. He doesn’t think anyone can “exceed expectations” in a performance review and gives me a very mediocre review whereas past managers gave stellar reviews. I try to discuss this issue with him, but he is intimidating and loves to argue. I fear for my job. What do I do with this type of “leadership”?

Fighting Negativity

I had an advanced placement English teacher in High School who was, I’m convinced, a frustrated University professor stuck in the only teaching job he could get. The first day of class he explained that he held “the highest standards of scholarship” and would only give an A grade for A work. He proudly announced that in the last three years none of his students had ever earned an A.

This was fine by me. I pulled in all B’s without doing much homework and was betting on a wrestling scholarship, but this did not sit well with some of the serious scholars who were trying to maintain their straight A run. They got their parents involved, who had several meetings with the teacher and the principal and eventually the school district officers. School officials ruled the teacher was using a ten step grading system instead of a twelve step—having for all practical purposes eliminated A’s and A-’s. He was told to use the bell curve and told how many A’s to issue in each class of twenty students.

Performance review systems and rating and ranking systems are tough enough to understand and to administer. When you complicate the process with a boss who doesn’t follow protocol then it can be nearly impossible to receive fair evaluations.

Now, it could be that, like the school teacher, your boss doesn’t believe in high ratings and has impossible standards. But, there are also other possibilities. It could be your boss isn’t sure what would constitute a job well done, but will “know it when he sees it.” Another possibility is that the boss has a clear picture of what he wants, but has not seen you deliver it.

What these possibilities have in common is that you are left without clear expectations as to what you can do to earn a high rating.

I believe, at a minimum, all leaders owe those they lead a clear understanding of what is expected of them and how they will be evaluated. Without clear expectations and the ability to accomplish them, bosses are just playing a game called “Guess what I want?” This is manipulation and is both dysfunctional and hurtful. It’s certainly not leadership.

I would suggest your first efforts to improve your relationship with your boss should be to clarify expectations. It is reasonable to request that he explain what he wants you to do and how you will be evaluated.

Start by creating mutual purpose. Do this by sharing your aspirations. For example, you might say, “Mr. Vague, I want to talk with you about my performance in the coming quarter. My goal is to do an excellent job, achieve the desired results, and help you and the team succeed. I also want to earn an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating in my next performance review.”

This beginning statement clarifies your desires and assures him that your purposes and his are mutual—at least around the success of the team. This will also create safety and reduce defensiveness.

Next, ask for what you need to succeed. “In order to do this, I would like you to help me understand what exactly I need to do in order to make an excellent contribution and earn an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating.”

If your boss has in mind what he wants you to do, this approach will invite him to share it with you. If your boss doesn’t know exactly what he wants you to do in order to earn an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating, then your questions could help him think it through.

Ask questions which clarify and encourage specific detail. Such questions could include, “Is there something you’d like me to do more of? Is there something you’d like me to do less of? Is there something I’m not doing that I should start doing? Is there something I’m currently doing that I should stop doing?”

Ask questions that help to quantify your job. Ask about deadlines. Ask about results. Ask about components. For example, if the boss wants you to prepare a report, you might ask “Would you like my report to cover A, B, and C? Will it be helpful to send the report to you weekly? Would it help to have a paragraph that summarizes the data or would you prefer to have several pages of raw data? Would you like a section on analysis? Would you like a section on recommendations? Would you like a section on options?”

By asking clarifying questions you help draw out some of the details and specifics you need in order to know how your boss defines a job well done.

If your boss is not sure what he wants but believes he’ll recognize it when he sees it, then request more frequent accountability. For example, “Could we meet once a week and review my progress? That way, you can help me make course corrections so I meet your expectations.”

More frequent accountability will enable you to make quick course corrections and to check the boss’s satisfaction levels before it’s too late to recover.

These are some strategies for creating a greater understanding and clarity for both you and your boss.

It might also be helpful to include feedback, evaluations, and ratings from key stakeholders who receive the output of your work. In this way you escape the my opinion vs. your opinion argument and can present the boss with ongoing data showing that others are pleased with your work. This will demonstrate the high quality of your work.

The final step should be an effort to get your boss’s commitment to the plan and might sound like this: “If I accomplish the things we’ve discussed by the end of the quarter, would I then receive an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating?” If his answer is wishy-washy, then you need more dialogue to define and clarify expectations. If the answer is “Yes,” then you are set. Do your very best work, make your very best effort, and check with your boss regularly to see if any mid-course corrections are needed.

In the worst case, such as dealing with a boss who refuses to be satisfied or begrudges his direct reports for their successes (perhaps he was weaned on dill pickles and can’t help himself), and after trying some of these strategies without success, it may be time to escalate the evaluation of your performance up the chain of command, or involve Human Resources. Know that this would be a last-ditch effort and would severely damage your relationship with your boss. Sometimes, however, this is the only way to fairly document your good work and receive a fair performance evaluation.

Short of using this nuclear option, if you make it safe for your boss to have a performance conversation with you and help him to clarify and express his thinking, you should be able to reach agreement about what constitutes good performance and good ratings.

I wish you the best in creating clear expectations with your boss. Don’t be reluctant, you are after all, merely helping him perform the minimum requirement of a good leader.

Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I was recently asked to lead an effort to implement job rotation in our organization. The problem is that the team I’ve been asked to lead thinks it’s a dumb idea. They are focused on their own jobs and have no interest in cross-training and rotation. How am I supposed to lead change when those leading with me don’t see the value?

Signed,
Changeless

Be careful!

As I read your question I worried that you might make the same mistake many leaders make when dealing with resistance. The mistake is to commit the fundamental attribution error. That’s the gaffe of assuming people’s resistance is simply a function of their bad attitudes, lack of commitment, or plain and simple orneriness. When you characterize them as simply “focused on their own jobs,” I worry that you’re chalking them up as “narrow minded.” While this assumption may be true, it may also be wrong.

If you draw this conclusion, then you might be tempted to either write your team members off, or to use compulsion to bring about change (i.e., let them know “the boss expects us to do this”). While there are times when it’s wise to invoke authority, it’s by no means the best way to influence change and invite commitment.

The key to leading change is to first understand the sources of influence working against your desired results.

I’ll give a few examples from the six sources of influence we describe in Influencer:

1. It could be that your teammates aren’t interested because they worry they won’t find the new work interesting (a personal motivation problem).
2. It could be that they worry they won’t be as good at the new roles as they are in their current roles (a personal ability problem).
3. They may also be getting pressure from colleagues who think it’s a dumb idea (a social motivation problem).
4. Maybe they are stressed about the new team assignment because it’s being piled on to their existing workload—no one is giving them backup (a social ability problem).

I could go on, but the point is it would be wise for you to take a couple of team members to lunch one-on-one and ask about their feelings and concerns. You may not identify all of the sources of influence that are actually impeding progress, but if you listen with all six sources in mind you’ll likely walk away with a much better idea of the real reason behind their resistance.

With that said, let me suggest a couple of specific ideas:

1.  If they just aren’t personally motivated, take a field trip. Usually, when people aren’t responding, leaders pile on more verbal persuasion to talk people into seeing the wisdom of change. They use logic, reason, and even a bit of pressure—which works less the more you use it.

What leaders fail to consider is that the less-than-motivated would probably respond to the same kind of influence that convinced them change was necessary in the first place—direct experience. Too often, leaders forget how they became convinced of the need for change—which was rarely because someone talked them into it.

Here’s how leaders get motivated: they talk to a colleague, or read an article and get a brilliant idea they think would be fabulous for their company. Say, for example, having everyone wear propeller hats. Chances are they saw this new idea in action and got to touch, taste, and smell the hidden benefits of propeller hats. When visiting their buddy’s company, they saw with their own eyes that everyone wearing propeller hats increased productivity 1,000%. This direct experience persuades the leaders completely. As a result, they return to their company and simply throw words at people expecting them to think and feel the same way they do. “Hey, let’s put in an order for propeller hats for everyone!” The leaders’ words fall on deaf ears. Others think it’s a stupid idea, or one that “won’t work here.” They even grumble that this new idea is simply the “hat of the month.”

So, it would be wise for you to slow down a little and let your team meet with people from organizations that are further down the road on job rotations. Let them ask tough questions. Let them talk with people from these organizations who were skeptical in advance. Let them live there for a day or two. Whatever it takes—the investment of time in helping them arrive at their own conclusions up front will pay huge dividends in their engagement later.

2.  Ability gaps are often disguised as a lack of motivation. Often, when you’re asking people to venture into unknown territory they act reluctant. But more often than not, they don’t want to go because they worry that despite their best efforts, they can’t succeed. Or, they worry it will be uncomfortable to attempt change. Adding compulsion won’t deal with their concerns. However, adding to their ability to succeed will.

In your situation, you could add to your teammates’ ability by arranging a single-day experiment. Design an experience that helps them gain a new job-rotation skill so they can see that they are able to handle rotations. Also, when you get into the guts of your influence strategy, be sure to invest a huge amount in coaching, training, and deliberate practice to address ability concerns.

3.  Don’t keep Influencer to yourself. Finally, share the six-source model with your team. As you teach them about this way of looking at change, you’ll free them up to diagnose barriers more effectively with you. You’ll also make it safe for them to speak up about various barriers they might have thought were undiscussable. Reading the book together—or, dare I say it—going through the training together, is a powerful way to ensure the success of your effort.

Teach the Influencer model to the team and include them in good diagnosis and design.

Best wishes in your influence efforts!
Joseph

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

My youngest daughter lives several states away and it is difficult at best to have a conversation with her. Nearly all our communication comes via text messaging and e-mail. If this happened on occasion, it wouldn’t be so bad, but it seems that 99.9 percent of our conversations are through texting. As a result, we have had misunderstandings from time to time. My daughter hates talking on the phone so we’re stuck in this e-communication trap. Any suggestions on how to effectively broach this “new” technology and reduce the chances of misunderstandings?

Signed,
e-Mom

It’s kind of ironic that I’m answering your question about the perils of electronic communication using electronic communication. It’s especially so because I’m going to make a bunch of assumptions about what’s really going on in order to offer you a buffet of ideas. But let’s agree that this is the kind of buffet where you take what you want and leave the rest—so I can run wild with ideas without making hurtful judgments. In fact, my guesses are likely to reveal more about myself than you! So relax and enjoy.

1.  Hold the right conversation. The first crucial conversation you need to hold is with yourself. You may want to consider whether her preference for texting is simply generational or is evidence of some other concern. For example, is she using texting to maintain some boundaries with you? If she felt you were not allowing her enough distance and independence, she might use texting as a convenient way to maintain emotional space. Or is there some other issue that would cause her to “act out” her feelings using texting rather than talking them out in a more direct way?

This introspection is important because if there is something else in the relationship that you need to deal with it would be important to identify the issue rather than assume she is simply a poor judge of good communication vehicles. If there is another issue, I’d suggest you take that up with her first.

2.  Work on me first. If you’re confident the relationship is up to date and the issue is truly that she’s substituting convenience for effectiveness, then my best advice is that you lead by example. She’s your youngest, right? Well, it may be unwise to expect her to appreciate the niceties of mature communication for years to come. So I’d suggest when you see the issue requires more bandwidth than texting, you pick up the phone and make it happen. I’d also suggest you do this sparingly for reason #1 above. I’m reading into this—but with most kids the development of independence is an important psychological process that can take years. Talking with you on the phone may remind her of the power differential between the two of you that she has experienced her whole life. If that’s part of the dynamic here, it’s best to ask her to experience that as seldom as necessary.

3.  Master your story. This last suggestion is highly autobiographical. When I make brilliant and very wise suggestions to my kids and they ignore them, I notice that I feel much more bothered than I should if my only motive were their betterment. In fact, I often feel a bit peeved. When I break down this emotion, I have to admit that the reason for my excess irritation is not their disregard of my supernal gift on insight, but the story I’m telling myself about their choice. I tell myself that their decision is evidence of disrespect. Or worse, intentional rebellion. In doing so, I am giving them advice with big strings attached. I’m not saying, “Here’s a useful idea.” Rather, I’m saying, “Do you like me?” or “Do you respect me?” Because somewhere in my subconscious, I believe that if they truly respected me, then they’d always take my advice.

I’ve found that I cannot be a good influence on my kids unless I master this story. Especially with adult children, I must be willing to respect their independence and offer ideas with no such emotional strings attached. When I cleanse myself of this hidden agenda, I find they respond much differently to my advice. And I respond much differently to their response.

Best wishes in your virtual—and actual—relationships!
Joseph

In this month’s Change Anything column, Craig V. shares the specific strategies he used to change spending habits.

My wife and I were in financial distress. We had $10,000 in credit card debt, lived month-to-month, and didn’t have any savings because every penny we earned went toward our large mortgage or to pay child support from my previous marriage. We were frustrated, out of control, and just plain stuck.

We had a budget, but we constantly adjusted it to meet our wants and rationalized purchases we couldn’t afford. For example, we bought a new car without considering whether or not we could afford it. After a few months we realized our “fun car” was a burden—the payments were too high and we rarely drove it.

That was our turning point. We realized our seemingly small purchases added up. We committed to make the changes necessary to get our lives under control. Within a few months, we saved thousands of dollars by making the following changes.

Source 1: Love What You Hate—One of our greatest challenges was changing the way we thought about money. We realized spending money crowded our life rather than enhancing it. My wife went on a no shopping spree and realized not spending money was actually rewarding. She learned to love what she hated. I now repeat inspirational phrases such as “a penny saved is a penny earned” to remind myself that I am much happier when I save. When we eliminate expenses, I think of it as getting a raise because it means we have more money in the bank. Changing the way we think made all the difference.

Source 2: Do What You Can’t—We wanted to change our habits, but we honestly didn’t know how. Luckily, my coworker shared Total Money Makeover with us and we found a place to start. We built on this knowledge by visiting the public library and checking out books and movies (for free) that helped us learn how to save. This gave us an opportunity to spend quality time together. In fact, we enjoyed the library so much that we canceled our cable subscription and rented movies from the library.

With our new knowledge, we created a new budget and identified expenses we could eliminate. One of our most liberating changes was selling the “fun car” and riding the bus to work. Because my company pays for public transportation, we saved thousands of dollars by making this one change.

I also went through Crucial Conversations Training and learned how to effectively talk to my wife about finances. We are now comfortable holding each other accountable and talking about our finances honestly and respectfully.

Sources 3 & 4: Turn Accomplices into Friends—We realized that we enabled each other’s bad habits by allowing the other person to alter the budget. We learned to hold each other accountable for spending money and now talk before spending $50 or more.

We also meet regularly with coworkers and friends who are interested in financial fitness. We encourage each other, follow up on commitments, and share ideas for saving money. This support has helped us change our behavior and stick to our financial plans.

Source 5: Invert the Economy—To change our behavior, we reversed our thinking by focusing on the long-term rewards instead of short-term gratification. We are motivated to stick to our budget and say “no” to spending because we now understand the importance of retirement. In addition to maxing out Roth IRA accounts for retirement, we established escrow accounts for new cars, vacations, and other large purchases. We also established an emergency fund and saved six months of salary in case we lose our jobs.

We also reward ourselves by going on a weekly date. This rewards us in the short term for things that often don’t pay off for months or years.

Source 6: Control Your Space—In order to take control of our spending, we had to control our environment. We realized that in addition to our mortgage payment, we spent a lot of money on home improvement projects. We also realized these expenses were often unnecessary so we sold our house and bought a town home. We removed the temptation for home improvement and reduced our mortgage payments.

We realized we would need additional income to pay our current bills so I took another job umpiring baseball games. Not only is this something I love, but it also helps me avoid spending because I have less free time and therefore opportunity to spend impulsively.

We also maintain control by tracking our purchases in a spreadsheet that we review regularly. It helps us identify exactly where our money is going and where we can cut back.

We are now debt free, save 15 percent of our earnings for retirement, and make extra payments on our mortgage. I pay all of my child support bills as well as save for vacations, cars, and other large purchases. This life-altering change has improved our relationship and given us freedom and hope.

Editor’s Note: Similar stories of inspiring change will be featured in our upcoming book about personal change due to be released Spring 2011. If you have an inspiring story of personal change, please send it to editor@vitalsmarts.com and include “Change Anything Story” in the subject line of your e-mail.

ABOUT THE EXPERT
Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts.
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How would you answer this question I received in training? A participant asked: If you are talking with someone who won’t let go of their story (e.g., they continue to stay in victim role) what do you do?

When I run into this type of situation, there are a couple of approaches that work well for me. I often have people identify their story and give it some sort of title. I write that title on piece of paper, on a flip chart, or someplace where we can both look at it. Then I draw a circle around the title and add four or five spokes (straight lines that start at the edge of the circle and move outward). I explain that each of those lines represents a contributing factor to the story. This then helps us look at all the contributing factors (including actions the individual has taken or not taken) individually, as well as the collective impact.

Another tactic I’ve found useful involves pointing out consequences. Instead of trying to get people to relinquish their stories immediately, I find that exploring natural consequences of holding and acting upon stories works at times. It helps people to see the natural extension/conclusion of their current way of thinking.

Hope this helps,
Steve

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Al Switzler is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

My husband has been out of work for nearly fourteen months, and in that time has only filled out one employment application. He has made no effort to create a resume, and seems okay with me being the breadwinner—I work full-time as a RN—while he sits at home on the couch or on his computer.

Whenever I broach the subject, he gets defensive, even angry, and accuses me of nagging him. I’m very anxious and apprehensive to talk to him because we always end up arguing, and I’m ready to seek legal counsel. How do I motivate him to act rather than react?

Ready to Talk

Your pain and your frustration are palpable. As I read your question, I felt empathy for your situation. I also thought of a number of situations that are parallel to yours in many ways. They involve different genders and roles, but the underlying causes seem similar. While I greatly desire to help you and your husband, I’m not sure I can really do anything to improve your situation—that will be up to you and him. However, I would like to share some of my thoughts and some of the principles and skills that will help you begin addressing this issue.

The first common mistake you made is that you and your husband did not discuss what would come next after a major change occurred. Let me start with a parallel situation. A few years ago, a young friend who had been married for two years faced a change in his life. Previously, after he and his wife got married, they both worked and therefore agreed they would share the domestic chores such as laundry, dishes, and cooking. Then his wife became pregnant and quit work several months before the baby was due. From the husband’s perspective, the division of responsibilities became unequal and unfair. He worked all day—sometimes long hours—and came home to do his share of the chores. Even with the change in her schedule, the husband said his wife continued to do only her share of the chores but spent her extra hours “visiting with her buddies, lounging around, shopping, and eating bon-bons for all I know.” Over a period of a couple of months, he grew frustrated and angry.

The cause of this frustration was that their previous division of labor, which happened out of necessity, had changed abruptly and they had not discussed the need for new arrangements. When he finally addressed the issue—admittedly with some disagreements—he and his wife reached a new agreement they could both be happy with. Here are a few steps you can take to reach agreement with your husband.

1. Learn How to Talk: To reach agreement about your husband’s job, the process of finding a new job, or making sure you equally contribute to the household, you need to be able to talk. In Influencer, we share how one of the world’s best researchers on relationships, Dr. Howard Markman, notes that the number one indicator of a long-lasting, happy relationship is not if we argue, but rather, how we argue. Arguing well leads to success. Arguing badly leads to bad results.

So what does this mean for you? Share with your husband your desire to talk about the change that has occurred in your relationship. If your husband declines your invitation, then ask him why he doesn’t want to talk. Is there a bigger issue or different crucial conversation the two of you are avoiding? Perhaps you’ll need to seek assistance from someone who can help you talk such as a marriage counselor or mediator. If he accepts your invitation, schedule time to talk when you’re not tired and when you can focus.

2. Make New Agreements: Life changes often have all the criteria of a crucial conversation: high-stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions. Both your example and the example of my friend deal with the issue of dividing responsibilities. But you might also face this problem with any major change such as retirement, becoming an empty nester, or a change in financial stability. When a life change occurs, talk about it. Listen to each other’s perspective and make new agreements. Don’t assume old agreements are still in effect—particularly when they were implicit in the first place—and don’t just avoid the issue and hope time cures it.

3. Explore Others’ Paths: After any change, it is important to explore the other person’s Path to Action. To determine the root causes of your husband’s behavior, ask yourself the humanizing question—”Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person act this way?” Does he not care? Or does he feel unskilled or unable to confront the problem? Perhaps he struggles to fill out applications, perhaps he is struggling with a personal dilemma of how he’d like to spend the next several years of his life, or perhaps his ego was so badly wounded in the job loss that he needs time to heal. In any case, don’t pass judgment or assume he is simply unmotivated before you’ve explored all the options. Once you’ve reached a conclusion behind his apparent apathy, ask your husband if and how he sees the situation any differently from you. Does he want something very different for your future than you do?

It’s hard to find a solution until you get all the meaning into the pool. This requires a lot of effort on your part. It requires patience, asking, and listening. It requires dealing with his criticism. This effort is merited because the problem of his apathy is probably not the first instance in which you’ve been frustrated. More than likely, this problem has occurred in various forms over time. It is important to note that finding a solution to this complex problem will also take time.

With all that said, you really only have three options in this situation. You can keep the status quo and hope he will change. You can seek legal counsel. Or you can find ways to patiently and safely talk it out—even if it means finding help to do so. I encourage you to do the latter. Finally, I encourage you to ask yourself this question before you attempt to solve any problem: “Will the step I’m about to take help me move toward a solution and toward saving this valued relationship?”

Best wishes,
Al

ABOUT THE EXPERT
Steve Willis is a master trainer and vice president of professional services at VitalSmarts.
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I recently observed a new facilitator ask the group to summarize their understanding of a particular concept she had just taught. She got several responses, the last of which was inaccurate—not mostly accurate with a shade of inaccuracy, we’re talking the “I’ll take wrong answers for a thousand,” the old, “surely you must be joking Mr. Answer-pants,” the . . . well you get the picture. So what do you do when a participant gives an answer that is clearly wrong?

Well, the new facilitator did what most facilitators might do. She took a deep breath and said, “Yes.” And then proceeded to give the correct answer. This tactic is known as the build approach and is a way to build on what the participant said. Sounds like a good solution, right? You don’t make the participant feel bad and you still get the correct answer out there—it’s a popular tactic many facilitators use for those very reasons. And yet, in this case it was less than effective . . . and dare I say, wrong?

By answering “yes” the facilitator sent the message to the individual and the class that, “you’ve just given a mostly correct answer” when in fact the person had given an entirely wrong answer. Bottom line is a facilitator should use the build approach only when a participant offers an incomplete answer, not an inaccurate answer.

When a participant gives the wrong answer, it’s much more effective to say something like, “Actually, it’s different from what you’ve described. A more accurate description would be . . .” Or, “concept X is more closely aligned with Y. Who can tell me why that is?” This way, you can affirm your respect for the individual, and ensure all the participants (especially the ones who give inaccurate responses) learn the ideas, concepts, and skills correctly.

Next time you find yourself in this situation, do your participants a huge favor. Don’t accept the completely wrong, or even the mostly wrong answers. Instead, help them see how their response was inaccurate—in a respectful manner.