ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I started my job a couple years ago and immediately observed a decided lack of commitment to dressing professionally. I didn’t want to make this an issue at the beginning of my tenure, as there were bigger fish to fry, but now I feel it’s time to address it.

We have seven offices, so multiple players are involved instead of one or two employees. I’ll have to convince the seven office managers of the importance of professional dress first then work with them to encourage their employees to dress professionally. How can I start a crucial conversation and motivate employees at various levels to dress professionally?

Dress for Success

 Dear Dress for Success,

Well, you came to either the right or the wrong guy for this question. I abhor suits. I often wear them for speeches but as soon as I get to the airport, I find a lockable door and eject it as fast as I can. So I’m going to both respond to your question and question your question.

I assume you are not the owner or CEO of the company and that your challenge is peer persuasion—not gaining compliance with your own policy. It sounds as though you have some decision-making authority over your own office but that peers manage the others. With that assumption, here are some thoughts.

You might be wrong. Before trying to motivate employees to dress professionally, I’d suggest you consult your colleagues and come to Mutual Purpose. Share your view of the relationship between dress and performance then invite them to share theirs. Is this an industry norm? Are people dressing casually or inappropriately? What is the right level of dress for the image you want to project? What makes customers comfortable and reinforces your credibility? What is just personal preference and might be irrelevant? Be sure to make it safe for your colleagues to express any view and encourage them to weigh in with feedback they might have received or data they can cite to help you make a fact-based decision on the policy.

Agree on a test. If you mutually conclude that dress might improve employee performance or customer perception, try a pilot. Perhaps you can do it in your office since you’re most interested in the concept. Or perhaps it would be best to do it elsewhere as the results will be more trusted if others do the test. Agree on how you’ll evaluate the pilot. For example, you may agree to start with your office and move to a new code for three months then survey customers to test the reaction. Be sure to agree on the design of the survey in advance so you aren’t accused of manipulating the data to support your thesis.

Engage employees. Assuming your peers agree there is potential merit, you next need to take up the issue with your team. This might be tough. Casual is always easier. Plus, a different dress code could be expensive to those whose wardrobes don’t include more formal attire. Be sensitive to this issue and find a way to adapt to people’s economic constraints. In our Influencer book, we describe three ways you can help people change their minds—verbal persuasion, vicarious experience, and direct experience. In this case, I’d suggest the latter. Get a handful of opinion leaders from your team and take them on a field trip to a place with different dress standards. Design the field trip in a way that lets them observe the effects of professional dress, interview some of those who are practicing it, etc. Then bring them back to debrief with your larger team.

Be flexible. I’ll end where I started. I’m a jeans and sneakers kind of guy, but I also understand that clothes are part of the message so I dress up when needed. I’d suggest that even if better dress is the right answer, you could create a nuanced policy that required it when it was useful. For example, some companies have a policy of dressing up for outward facing meetings. In other words, when clients will be in the office or you’re going to theirs, dress up. When not visiting with a client or customer, dress casual.

I wish you the best as you work your way through this. Drop me a line when you decide what to do and see how it works. I’d love to hear the postscript!

Warmly,
Joseph

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

The ideas and opinions expressed in this article are solely the opinions of the author and do not necessarily represent the official position of VitalSmarts.

Monday I watched in horror with most of America as the story of the Chardon High School shooting unfolded. But my horror was twofold. The first misery came as I heard the names and numbers of victims and thought about the pain they and their families will endure for the rest of their lives. The second dose came as I held my breath—hoping and praying the media wouldn’t amplify the violence.

But they did.

They did exactly what they needed to do to influence the next perpetrator to lock and load.

1. They named the shooter.
2. They described his characteristics.
3. They detailed the crime.
4. They numbered the victims.
5. They ranked him against other “successful” attackers.

School shootings are a contagion. And the media are consistent accomplices in most every one of them.

There’s really no useful debate on the point. The consensus of social scientists since David Phillips’ groundbreaking work in 1974 is that highly publicized stories of deviant and dangerous behavior influence copycat incidents. Phillips’ and scores of subsequent studies showed, for example, that suicide rates spike in the week after an inappropriately publicized celebrity suicide. Contrast this trend with no increase in suicides in the week following a media strike that unintentionally suppresses such coverage.

The same is true of school massacres. On Groundhog Day, February 2, 1996 a 14-year-old boy walked into his Moses Lake, Washington, Junior High School algebra class and started shooting. He killed his teacher, two classmates, and severely wounded another student. The media obsessed over the color of his clothes, his insidious planning, and the inventory of his arsenal. In addition, they practically offered a how-to guide for concealing and deploying weapons in a coat. But what got the most attention was the fact that after shooting his teacher, he delivered a line from the Stephen King novel Rage with charismatic panache. Suddenly, the invisible adolescent was a cultural icon. Within a week, another shooting occurred that clearly echoed that of February 2. Then another on February 19. Another on March 11. And yet another on March 13. More than one of the apparent copycats also cited King’s novel as a creative resource in their crimes.

Of course, when the Rage pattern became clear, the media scurried to get King’s reaction. King could have defended his right to free speech and used the “guns don’t kill, people do” argument—claiming the problem was the perpetrators’ mental health not his book.

But he didn’t. He apologized for writing the book. In an interview he said, “I took a look at Rage and said to myself, if this book is acting as any sort of accelerant, if it’s having any effect on any of these kids at all, I don’t want anything to do with it.” Then he insightfully added, “Even talking about it makes me nervous.” King understands that attention is influence. He asked his publishers to pull Rage from publication and let it fall out of print shortly thereafter.

The challenge our society faces is balancing the need to not cause additional mayhem through known influence methods with the right of free speech. As is the case with all complicated issues, there are multiple values to consider here.

It’s time to ask if we should find a way to stifle such reports, limit the anguish, and disallow one form of speech, for the greater good.

One thing is for certain—those who write about, talk about, televise, and otherwise report on school shootings need to take their lead from Mr. King by examining their own motives and methods—given that when news outlets include certain details of a crime in their reports that act as a virtual workshop for would-be acolytes, they are likely to incite similar actions.

Surely, media specialists feel the tension between their own values and staying in business. And yet, they must realize that their goals to get more air time, sell more ad space, and earn more attention don’t justify the potential to create new pain and sorrow.

The obvious first step is to talk openly about all sides of the issue—including the latest research. Media outlets need to examine their own tactics, impact, and motives. It would be wonderful if the entire industry started regulating certain aspects of what is reported. This could only be accomplished through collaboration between competitive entities and so far, we haven’t seen any progress in this direction.

Perhaps it’s time for legislators to start their own dialogue. Perhaps we now have enough scientific evidence to suggest that it’s time to take action before more lives are lost. It’s time we matched responsibility with influence.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
 

David Maxfield is coauthor of two New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I struggle with the attitude I find in acute care hospitals in regards to pain. Sometimes I hear employees and others discussing a patient’s pain and their need for treatment in a very judgmental, non-mission oriented manner. I am struggling to find the right words to speak up on behalf of that patient and to use words that might resonate to improve acceptance of all patients’ pain reports.

For example, standing outside an ICU room during rounds, the nurse will report the patients’ unrelieved pain. Invariably, the pharmacist or physician will comment about “addiction” or “drug seeking.” By the end of the discussion, almost everyone has made a disparaging comment and dismissed the patient’s pain. I have to speak up. I became a nurse to help end suffering, not to encourage it during one of the most stressful and painful periods in a person’s life. Can you help me find the right words to speak up to physicians who dismiss a patient’s pain?

Pained by Unfair Judgments

Dear Pained,

Thanks for noticing and caring. All of us are likely to be patients someday, and knowing that caregivers will help to reduce our pain and discomfort is very reassuring. So, what can you do if you aren’t satisfied with your colleague’s attention to pain management?

First, try to avoid feelings of righteous indignation. Try for humility instead. I know this is tough when you don’t think others are showing a caring attitude, but do your best to model a combination of confidence and respect without making accusations.

You described the problem very nicely. You made it clear that this isn’t a problem with a single caregiver or a single kind of pain management issue. Instead, it’s more systemic and involves multiple caregivers and multiple differences of opinion.

Systemic problems require systemic solutions. Since there is too much variance in how caregivers manage pain, the first focus needs to be on the pain-management protocol itself. Then you can more easily improve compliance with the protocol.

Structural Motivation. You might think improving your hospital’s pain-management protocol is too big a job for you to take on, and you’re right. Fixing this problem will require a team approach, but I think you’ll discover you have many willing allies.

Patients’ hospital experiences are now measured using a nation-wide survey called HCAHPS which asks specifically about pain control. Hospital’s scores are public and beginning in March these scores will impact the reimbursement they receive from Medicare and Medicaid. Poor scores can cost a hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars.

This structural incentive has the attention of hospital leaders everywhere. Most are actively seeking ways to improve their hospital’s scores and improving pain management is one of the strategies that has been shown to work. I think you will find hospital leaders very receptive to any improvement ideas you have. In fact, you may discover that your hospital already has a task force working on pain management.

Structural Ability. Your hospital isn’t alone in looking for ways to improve pain management. Many talented organizations, such as the Institute for Healthcare Improvement, are developing and testing strategies that work.

Involve your manager and others in your unit, or enlist a larger team from across the hospital, to develop a formal pain-management plan. Make sure you involve physicians who will help develop and champion this plan as well. Most pain-management systems include the following common elements:

Patient- and family-centered. Involve patients and their families in assessing pain levels and learning what their goals are for pain control.
Documented pain plan. Document pain levels, patient goals, and the pain plan on a white board in the patient’s room where it will be visible to the patient and caregivers.
Track and update. Check in with the patient at least hourly. Update the white board.
Analyze and adjust. Update the pain-management plan at least daily, based on whether the current plan has been working. Record any changes to the plan on the white board.

Make sure every caregiver understands and commits to the new system. Use your manager and physician champions to reach out to every caregiver who needs to understand and employ it.

Personal Ability. Once you have a system in place and have secured verbal buy-in to the system, it is important to cue, remind, and hold others accountable for managing patients’ pain in caring ways. Here are some simple reminders:

“Remember, we need every patient to answer ‘always’ on the HCAHPS survey.”

“I think you forgot to check the white board.”

“Could you help me with this patient? Her pain-management plan hasn’t helped her today. I think she needs you.”

If you get pushback on these simple reminders, you can escalate by explaining the gap between what the person has committed to and what you’re seeing:

“We all agreed to put the patient’s goals at the center of the plan. What you just said about drug-seeking behavior sounds like you disagree with the patient.”

“We all committed to use the white board and to keep it current. Are you changing your mind about that?”

If a caregiver continues to resist following the system, then bring in the manager or physician champion for your unit. I hate to say it, but sometimes the messenger is just as important as the message. Having a senior physician take the person to coffee and discuss the issue in a factual and friendly way will do a lot to get his or her buy-in. Ask the champion to close the loop with you so you can have confidence the person will accept your reminders in the future.

VitalSmarts has done quite a bit of work with hospitals that are working to improve their patient experiences and HCAHPS scores. We have a web seminar coming up on March 8 to discuss this very topic. I encourage you to join.

David

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four New York Times bestsellers, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Listen to Kerrying On via MP3
Listen to Kerrying On via iTunes

The following article was first published on February 17, 2010.

This year I’ve decided to give you (kind readers) a Valentine’s Day gift. I know it’s a few days late, but since my present is neither candy nor flowers (and won’t decay) I think the gift I have in mind will do just fine. I’m giving you a nonperishable story of a Valentine’s Day I experienced some thirty-five years ago. It’s a tale that I believe might help lift your spirits some day when you’ve done something—how does one put it?—not all that clever. Plus the story provides a nice reminder of the importance of keeping focused on what you really want.

It all started one Saturday evening when I suddenly realized that I only had an hour to buy my wife a Valentine’s Day gift. Since Louise was working on a project across campus (I was a grad student at the time), I loaded our six- and four-year-old daughters into the back seat of our Volkswagen bug, strapped our six-month-old son into one of those plastic baby carriers, and headed off to the nearest shopping center I could find.

Soon, with Becca, Christine, and a Raggedy Ann doll connected to me in a daisy chain of hand holds, and Taylor swinging gently in the plastic carrier clutched in my other hand, we found ourselves scurrying through a very high-end shopping center that was close to our apartment—but unlike any place I had ever been before (it didn’t have “Mart” or “O-rama” in the title). It was chock-full of wealthy, beautifully attired, perfectly coiffed people who frequented the luxurious stores that surrounded us.

Since I had been cleaning my outdoor grill when it struck me that I needed to buy a gift, I didn’t look much like the prim and proper patrons around me. I looked more like the Maytag repairman, and my kids appeared as if they had just been plucked from the sand pile in our back court. Which they had. The shoppers’ genial smiles turned into looks of disapproval as they scrutinized our scruffy clothes, our home-cut hair, and our barely opposable thumbs.

Eventually, the four of us found our way to the home center of a posh department store where they had on display the very present my wife had hinted she wanted—a variable speed blender, complete with pulse control. Soon, a perky clerk was wrapping up a bright red blender I had chosen in honor of Valentine’s Day. I knew that a household appliance wasn’t as romantic as, say, a diamond necklace, but you have to ask yourself: Can you whip up a batch of pureed spinach with a diamond necklace? I don’t think so.

Next, as the clock continued to run, the girls and I scampered out into the shopping center in search of an affordable card. Everything was so expensive. A simple card cost five bucks.

“Daddy,” Christine uttered, “don’t you think . . .”

“Shush,” I blurted as we hurried past one high-end store after another. “I need to find your mother a card.”

“I know,” Christine continued, “but . . .”

“No ifs-ands-or-buts about it. If I don’t find a card, I’m in trouble.”

Seeing that her sister was getting nowhere, three-year-old Becca asked: “Where’s baby Taylor?”

It was like being hit by a bucket of cold water. There in the hand that had once carried my son, was a package containing a variable-speed blender, complete with pulse-control. Where was baby Taylor?

“He’s back in that big store,” Christine offered as she pointed to the far end of the shopping center.

Egads. I had left my son in the middle of the blender display! In a flash I reversed course and headed back to the scene of the crime where I frantically tried to get into the store—repeatedly banging into a locked pair of massive glass doors.

“The place is closed,” explained an older gentleman walking by. “It’s Saturday night.”

“But I left my so . . .” I cut myself off midword. “But I left something inside.”

“You’ll have to go around back to the employee entrance,” the fellow explained.

Moments later the girls and I scurried along a terribly long wall while employees disgorged from a lone door at the far end of the building. The animated employees walking our way were all talking about some idiot who had . . . (well, you can guess). Then, as they saw me frantically hustling along with my two remaining kids in hand, they quickly concluded that I was the fool they had been bad-mouthing.

If looks could kill . . .

The best I could do was smile back lamely. I just wanted my son back.

Eventually my daughters and I found ourselves inside the building and standing next to a knot of folks who were cooing and making other baby noises while my son, still in his plastic container, smiled back politely. I searched for the proper words.

“Has anyone found a baby? It seems I’ve lost one.” No, that would land me in jail for sure.

“Funny thing, I came with three kids and now I only have two. Go figure.” Equally lame.

Eventually I blurted out, “You’ve found my son! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

Pointing out that they had found (rather than I had lost) my son appeared to take the edge off the pack of store clerks. Nevertheless, the lady in charge gave me a long, hard look before barking, “Do you think you can get him home without losing him?”

“I brought my Raggedy Ann,” Christine remarked as she held up her well-worn doll. “And I didn’t lose her.”

“Yes, dear and I’m very proud of you,” I muttered back. Then looking the authority figure directly in the eye I tersely proclaimed, “So, we’ll just be heading on home now.”

With this lame pronouncement fresh off my lips, I snatched up Taylor and retreated out of the massive building.

“Do we tell Mommy the secret?” Christine asked as we walked back to the car.

“No!” I blurted. “We mustn’t tell Mommy that I bought her a variable speed blender, complete with pulse control. It would spoil the surprise and we don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

“I mean. . . how you left Taylor in the middle of the store and then got locked out?”

I was doomed. There was no way I was going to be able to keep the two girls from tattling on me. And sure enough, a few minutes later when we pulled up in front of our apartment, the girls bolted from the car as they rushed to tell mom the exciting news. They kept the blender a secret, but not the fact that I had left their baby brother in a big, scary store. That part of our little escapade they told with great relish.

“You left him in the store and then got locked out?” Louise asked incredulously as I presented her a brightly-wrapped gift.

“True,” I explained, “but you haven’t had a chance to see the gift I bought for you. I was so focused on expressing my love for you with this truly special household item—complete with pulse control—that I lost focus for a second.”

“You didn’t lose focus,” Louise accused, “you lost Taylor!”

“I didn’t lose my Raggedy Ann,” Christine offered.

And so there you have it my friends—my present to you. Never again did I leave a child locked in a department store. I learned my lesson. I learned to stay focused on what really matters.

In addition, I freely admit to my idiocy. That’s the whole point of this story. One day when you’re feeling bad because you missed a deadline at work or maybe you were late picking up your daughter at soccer practice, think of me and my Valentine’s Day debacle. Compared to me, you’ll be a saint. And should a loved one become angry at you for not flossing your kids’ teeth adequately or keeping them from getting hurt on a see-saw, you can say: “True, I messed up. But at least I’m not as bad as that idiot who left his baby in the middle of a blender display!”

That’s my present to you.

Dear Crucial Skills,

One of my coworkers has been harassing me for more than three months. I have expressed that I am only interested in maintaining a professional relationship and asked him to refrain from touching me or making further advances. When he ignored my request I complained to company management, but six weeks later the sexual harassment has continued and expanded to include other forms of harassment.

I filed another complaint and he has been talked to again but not terminated. I have been told that if there are future problems, he will be let go. In the meantime, I find myself in a job I love but where I no longer feel safe. I am required to work with this individual and maintain a professional relationship. After reporting the problem twice without seeing any results, I do not feel the harassing party will ever stop and I am not confident the company will protect me. I’m considering a job change. Do you have any advice for dealing with sexual harassment in the workplace?

Harassed

Dear Harassed,

Sexual harassment is very hurtful and scary, and it can be very challenging to resolve. My heart goes out to you. My first and most important piece of advice is to stay safe. Don’t allow yourself to be in a position where you can be harmed. Your safety needs to be your first concern.Next, I’ll try to answer your questions.

As you know, sexual harassment has legal implications and I want to make it clear up front that I’m not an attorney. Please don’t consider any of my suggestions as legal advice. I’ll focus on three elements:

1. Understand the law and your organization’s policies.
2. Be clear in words and actions that this person’s advances are unwanted.
3. Have a crucial conversation with human resources.

Understand policies and laws. If you haven’t already, get a copy of your organization’s sexual harassment policy. Read it carefully, write down questions it raises, and then meet with HR to get answers to your questions. Remember that the people in HR have to walk a careful line. They don’t want to permit harassment, but they also need to follow due process. They’ve told you they are monitoring the situation. Do your best to help them do their job.

If you have questions about laws that protect against sexual harassment, you should seek advice from an attorney with expertise on this issue. The basic law prohibits harassment and requires employers to maintain workplaces that are safe and free of harassment. However, the interpretation and enforcement of this law leaves many victims of harassment dissatisfied. Likewise, the interpretation presents challenges for people who believe they are wrongfully accused of harassment when they were trying to be friendly or just joking around.

The law would be clear if you were fired for refusing sexual advances. However, your experience is better described as a “hostile” work environment and people—even judges—don’t always agree on what “hostile” means.

Be clear in words and actions. You share that you’re required to work with this person and maintain a professional relationship. This is very typical of harassment situations and it’s incredibly tough to do. You need to stay professional while keeping yourself safe from someone you no longer trust. Know that others are watching you as well as your harasser. Behave as if your interactions are being videotaped and picked apart by a skeptical jury. Be on your best behavior.

Often, a harasser’s defense boils down to “it was a misunderstanding,” and this defense will sometimes win—both with HR and in court. Make sure your message is clear, unambiguous, and public. If your coworker is inappropriate when others are around, be quick to ask him to stop. You want others to witness two events: his bad behavior and your immediate, professional, and unambiguous response. If possible, avoid being alone with your coworker to avoid any “he said, she said” situations. Keep a journal with dates, times, and details of any inappropriate actions—including quotes of what was said—and report incidents to your manager and to HR immediately. Build a case that will refute any claim of misunderstanding.

Avoid behaviors that could be seen as flirting and don’t take part in bawdy conversations or jokes. Don’t initiate or accept invitations to be alone with your coworker in situations that he or others might interpret to be social or a date.

Have a crucial conversation with HR. It appears that you have already had a crucial conversation with HR and that HR believes it is following the letter of its sexual harassment policy. This policy probably involves verbal and written warnings. Again, based on your description, it sounds as if HR has made it clear that further harassment will result in termination. Since the harassment is continuing, I suggest you promptly have a second crucial conversation with HR. Here are a few ideas for this next conversation.

Share your facts. Detail exactly what has happened since your last conversation with HR. If you’ve taken notes, use your notes and provide them at the end of your conversation. Describe the circumstances, exactly what was said or done, who may have witnessed the incident, etc. If there have been multiple incidents, describe each of the incidents in detail. With harassment, there is often some ambiguity—what politicians call “plausible deniability.” Do your best to provide enough details to make the facts undeniable.
Tell your story. After you have detailed the facts, tell your story. Explain how these facts fit together into a pattern of continuing harassment. You say the harassment has expanded into new forms of workplace harassment. Make sure to describe the common thread that ties these incidents together. Make sure HR understand that you no longer feel safe at work.
Ask for others’ paths. Stop and ask the HR professionals for their help. Know that HR can’t violate the confidentiality involved in the formal disciplinary system, so don’t ask them to tell you exactly what they will do to your harasser. Instead, ask for how they can help you. Ask them to prevent the harassment and ensure your safety.
Talk tentatively. Avoid accusing HR of not doing their job. They must give due process to both you and your harasser. Be open to ideas that will work to solve the situation, but also be honest about ideas that won’t work for you.
Encourage testing. As you share your facts and tell your story, stop to check for understanding and agreement. Encourage HR to ask you questions and even to play devil’s advocate. You want to hear any concerns they have while you are still in the room and able to respond to them. Ask HR to give you advice and to share what the next steps will be. Have a note pad with you and write down the response.

I want to conclude my response by reiterating that regardless of the course of action you take, first and foremost do what is necessary to stay safe. Incidents of harassment can quickly escalate into an assault. Finally, if you don’t think the situation is being handled appropriately by HR, seek advice from an attorney.

David

ABOUT THE EXPERT
Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts.
READ MORE

I spent last week in the classroom—the back of the classroom. No, it wasn’t for misbehaving. I observed a couple of our certified trainers deliver training. I don’t get to do this very often, so I wondered how this experience would compare to the view from the front of the class. I prepared for what I thought I should expect and settled in for a two-day experience. Yet nothing I did prepared me for the end of the class.

The trainer had wrapped up, answered questions, and closed on a high. I was turning my attention to something else when I heard the unthinkable. He said, “I really enjoyed having you here for the last two days and hope you learned some new skills and approaches.” Now hang on, because while I have heard this last part many times, it was this next part that really caught my attention. “I’ll be coming around your work area this next week and will stop in to see how you’re doing with your skills and answer any questions you might have.”

Wow! What a novel idea! What difference would it make to be able to re-connect with the participants? Coach them? Encourage and praise them? Help them apply their skills to the situations and circumstances that are most pressing? So here’s my question for you: Do you know what happens to your participants once they leave the class?

Share your thoughts below.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jillian Herrick-Frazier is a Master Trainer.
READ MORE

What if the person I am dealing with is not reasonable, rational, OR decent?

Great question. In our day-to-day lives we all have dealt with someone we could put into the category of not reasonable, rational, or decent. The thing is, the more I interact with people the more I believe most people are in fact reasonable, rational, and decent. And when they are behaving badly toward me or others, more often than not there is more to it. This does not make these interactions any easier, but it does motivate me to use the skills to improve and minimize the difficult encounters.

I suggest looking back on the three elements of a crucial conversation: high stakes, strong emotions, and opposing opinions. Are the stakes high? Meaning, do you have to work with this person in order to do your job? Will this person always be part of your life? If so, you may want to reframe the question. First, consider someone you believe to reasonable, rational, AND decent. Why would my best friend do this? Why would my soul mate do this? Why would my favorite boss do this? It’s kind of interesting. When you replace the person you believe to be malicious and evil with someone you believe always has your best interest at heart, you may start to see things differently.

Lastly, consider yourself. I don’t know about you, but I like to think I’m a fairly reasonable, rational, and decent individual. When I substitute myself for the other person, I almost always see things differently, which helps me to master my stories and get back in dialogue. It’s not always easy to do, but this question is here to help us take pause and consider things in a different light.