Dear Crucial Skills,

Mine is a story of conflicting priorities and unmade decisions. My bad habits at home support my bad habits at work, and these habits are all supported by behavior, social influences, and environmental infrastructure that need to change. When I try to pick one thing to work on, I find several others that undermine my efforts.

For example, we’re trying to remodel our kitchen but we ran out of money so we can’t hire someone to finish it. We eat out too often because our kitchen is torn apart and our house is always cluttered, but we don’t have time to exercise or clean because we’re too busy with work and school activities. We have very few friends because we don’t want to invite people to our house and we’re too busy juggling everything else. How do I know where to start when it seems that everything I’d like to change is interdependent or influenced by all the other things I’d like to change?

Where to Start

 Dear Where to Start,

I understand your concern. It reminds me of that old saying that tells us, “life comes at you fast.” Each little concern or unfinished bit of life can have a ripple effect, not only on our own life, but also on the lives of loved ones and friends. When we stop long enough to assess our circumstances, we conclude—as you did—that “mine is a story of conflicting priorities and unmade decisions.”

I’d like to talk to you like I’m your best friend. This means I care about you and I want to help you solve these issues. I’m going to be as honest as I can but I know I can’t make these changes for you. If I were your best friend, I’d be able to ask questions that would help us understand the real issues. Without being able to ask those questions I may miss the mark a bit, and I hope you and the tens of thousands of onlookers (no pressure) will cut me some slack.

I’ll start with a word you used in the first sentence of your question: “story.” We’ve been teaching people to master their clever stories for years. A clever story is what we tell ourselves to justify our own behaviors. So, as your best friend, I’m asking what stories you’re telling yourself that make it difficult for you to be as effective as you want to be? Here are some possible stories I see.

Problem: Your kitchen is in the middle of an unfinished remodel.
Story: You eat out too often because of the remodel.
Option: There are many ways to cook at home with only a fridge and a microwave. You and your family need to make the decision to eat at home.

Problem: You think your house is messy.
Story: You are too busy or tired to clean.
Option: For years, I tried to teach my children about the magic of five minutes. At the end of the day, after you’ve readied yourself for bed, take five minutes to straighten the bathroom, bedroom, and closet. Before you go to work, clean up the little mess you made getting ready. After any meal, clean up the mess and wash the dishes. In your case, you may want to set the foundation by having a magic half-day or full-day. Take a Saturday, remind everyone of the benefits of having a clean house, and then clean up. Creating a plan for regular cleaning takes away a lot of other problems.

Problem: You don’t have enough friends.
Story: You don’t invite people to your house because of the remodel and because you’re too busy juggling work and school activities.
Option: Invite others to do things outside of the house. There are many inexpensive activities you can do outside such as hikes, picnics, and so forth. You are certainly correct that a key step to making friends is initiating invitations, but you needn’t stop inviting people because of your house or your schedule.

Now remember, this advice is coming from your distant best friend. I may be missing the mark. I may cause you to counter every suggestion with a “yeah, but.” However, remember that clever stories are called clever because they are tricky. They are hard to see, they can morph quickly and they can call in more of their clever clan in nanoseconds. When we fall short of the results we want, or when we start feeling down and hopeless, we need to assess what we honestly have and what we really want.

You might need a friend to help you do this. What you don’t want at times of assessment and planning are accomplices. Remember, a friend is someone who helps us; an accomplice is someone who helps us get and/or stay in trouble. Accomplices help us spin clever stories; friends help us see our stories and find options out of them.

It’s clear from your question that you have an understanding of the six sources of influence. I agree that you have many sources of influence affecting your behaviors, and thus the results you are getting in your life. You do have—as we all have—some bad behaviors and unmade decisions, but you don’t have to stay there. I advise you to find the vital behaviors that will help you get what you really want and need. For example, your vital behaviors might include:
 
1. Cleaning the house every Saturday morning.
2. Practicing the magic five minutes at bedtime, before work, and after each meal.
3. Inviting a friend for an affordable outing each Friday night.

After you identify your vital behaviors, ask yourself, “How can I marshal enough influence to make sure I do these behaviors?” Then, ask the following questions to identify tactics in each of the six sources:

Source 1: Love What You Hate — Can you articulate the positive benefits you would get from changing your behavior?
Source 2: Do What You Can’t — Can you improve your organizing and cleaning skills? Can you learn about inexpensive activities to do with friends?
Sources 3 and 4: Turn Accomplices into Friends — Can you get buy-in from the people you live with? Can you ask a friend to hold you accountable to your clever stories or to help you analyze and adjust when your plan isn’t working?
Source 5: Invert the Economy — Can you identify an affordable reward that would be meaningful to you if you stick to your plan for a month? Can you set up a scorecard and report your performance to a coach or mentor?
Source 6: Control Your Space — Can you put up cues and reminders? In short, what can you do to change your surroundings and get the numbers in your favor?

Notice that I have said nothing about finishing the kitchen. Of course, it would be wonderful to complete this project, but it need not stand in the way of achieving many of the goals that are important to you. Often, we hold back in achieving our goals because we tell ourselves a clever story that justifies all the reasons we simply can’t succeed. I believe your kitchen remodel has become your Achilles heel to accomplishing other achievable goals like cleanliness and friendship. It’s time to change your story and start isolating one behavior challenge from the next.

As a friend, I’ve tried to give you a starting point. Begin by looking at the stories that affect your decisions. From that process, options will emerge. Then identify the vital behaviors that will get you to your desired goals, and marshal enough influence that you will be motivated and enabled to do the behaviors. Start small and then aim bigger. In that way, we are more likely to overwhelm our problems rather than simply be overwhelmed.

Best wishes,

Al

The following article was first published on March 9, 2006.

Dear Crucial Skills,

How do you help “undo” a story that another person has held about you? Last fall, my husband went over to borrow an item from our next door neighbor of ten years. They’re very nice people—we wave and exchange pleasantries and small talk, we have sent their kids graduation cards, etc. My husband came back concerned. He said they’d received an anonymous hateful letter ten months earlier and they seemed quite convinced that I’d sent it. I was alarmed and went over right away to talk. The letter was truly awful—calling them morons about leaving their holiday lights up well past the holidays and being the laughingstock of the neighborhood. I didn’t write this letter and I told them so.

And yet, I still feel like there is an uncomfortable feeling between us. I’m acting as if the whole thing never happened, but feeling self-conscious about it—for example, sending over a dozen cookies when we’ve baked, acknowledging their kids’ accomplishments, etc. These are things we’ve done in the past that now I fear will be viewed in a different light—like I’m trying to make up for something.

Please help,
Uneasy Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

First, congratulations. You said you “went over right away to talk.” We firmly believe that if you don’t talk it out, you act it out. So, way to go. If you had told yourself different stories, you would have acted differently. If you had become upset because you were wrongly accused and had withdrawn in indignation, you would have acted in ways that probably would not have helped—your feelings would have showed up in your facial expressions, in half-hearted greetings, etc. Because thoughts really cannot be held inside (they leak out), people often resort to gossip, and gossip has a hard time being contained—it seeks the lowest level. It has ripple effects that find their way to the person being talked about. So congratulations on telling yourself stories about the other person, about you, and about your relationship that allowed you to go talk about it. Adding to the pool of shared meaning was the right step to take.

There are two questions here that I’d like to address. First, how do we get over situations where we have been wrongly accused of something we didn’t do? Second, how can we help others “undo” their story that we wronged them when we really didn’t?

First, how do you deal with your emotions when you’ve been wrongly accused? Key to understanding your options is what we call the path to action. This model helps explain where emotions come from. A brief overview:

• We observe an event (i.e., we see and hear what happens with internal and environmental filters).
• We tell ourselves a story with whatever data we have (the events we observed). These stories can be helpful or harmful.
• We feel emotions based on the story we chose to tell.
• We then act based on our story and our emotions (we choose dialogue, silence, or violence).

The important thing is to explore why the emotions are still lingering. Why are you still worrying about how your neighbor is interpreting your actions and motives? Re-examine your path to action back to your actual observations. Are there more helpful stories you could be telling about what you’ve observed? Or do your observations point to the need for another crucial conversation?

When you’re deciding whether or not to bring up a subject, ask yourself if “that little voice in your head won’t go away,” or if you are “acting it out” even after you’ve re-examined your stories. If the answer is “yes” to either, you probably need to talk it out.

In your comments, you stated that you fear your neighbors still think you did write the letter. That could be the topic for another conversation. Mention the first conversation, and that you just want to check in and see how your neighbors are feeling now. Share your goal to be a good neighbor and have a positive relationship.

If you have observed actual behaviors that are leading you to believe there is still an issue (e.g., if you saw nonverbal clues like half-hearted greetings, lack of eye contact, or avoidance on your neighbors’ part), you may want to bring them up and hold a crucial conversation to address the story they may be holding onto. In that case, ask to talk to the other person and start by making it safe. Have a private talk. Don’t be emotional, be honestly inquisitive. Try to explore the other person’s path to action by starting with your observation. For example, “I’ve noticed that when we see each other in the neighborhood, you don’t look directly at me and you tend to hurry out of any conversation.” Don’t offer judgments about their emotions or motivations. Simply describe the facts. Then tentatively share your concern: “I’m beginning to wonder if you still have feelings about that letter you received. Can we talk?”

You are trying to learn what “story” your neighbors are telling—you are trying to understand their data. Then, when you’re in dialogue, you can share your perspective and your purpose.

The other alternative is to be patient. Suppose your neighbors say they don’t think you wrote the letter. Suppose you don’t see them acting it out. That means most of your energy around this issue is coming from your stories. In that case, wait. Continue with your strategy of being a good neighbor. Often, when we don’t have any additional data, our stories and emotions fade. Our worries decrease. That’s effectively self-managing your own path to action. Such an approach reminds me of the saying attributed to the great Anonymous: “At twenty, we worry about what others think of us; at forty, we don’t care about what others think of us; at sixty, we discover they haven’t been thinking about us at all.”

Thank you for your inquiry. Hopefully there is a lesson that we can find here that will help us get in touch with our own stories, cue us up when we need to talk, and be more patient with our emotions. All of these can lead us to dialogue.

Best wishes,
Al

  Dear Crucial Skills,

As we all know, this is a tough job market for both job seekers and employers looking to fill specific and highly skilled roles. I have been lucky enough to land a great job at an admired company and several people have asked me to refer them for our open positions. These are skilled and qualified candidates, but the trouble is I can’t recommend everyone in good faith. Their weak points (communication skills, in particular) or past behavior I observed at work give me pause. I don’t feel comfortable pointing this out and I can’t ignore their requests without looking like a jerk! How can I take the high road here?

Uncomfortable

 Dear Uncomfortable,

For most of us, deciding how to be candid and truthful is often challenging and uncomfortable. And yet, there are some people who don’t seem to have any problem with candor—in fact they vote by their words and actions for being brutally honest. In your situation, these folks would have no problem saying something like, “Are you kidding? You have a lot of skills, but interpersonally you’re a cross between a dweeb and a jerk. Forget it.” If someone challenged them about their civility, they would wax eloquent about being one of the few with the character and courage to speak the truth.

Others vote for the opposite approach—brutal silence. In the situation you’re talking about—employment references—they create a policy or hide behind a policy that allows them to say something like, “In our company, references that come from friends or acquaintances do not count. Sorry.” Or, “Only references from managers count in this new company.” They find a way to sidestep the real issue. I imagine the foundations of this kind of dishonesty come from the old adage, If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Either tactic will ultimately have negative consequences. The brutally honest tactic will no doubt hurt the relationship immediately and the speaker will justify it by saying, “I told him the truth.” Brutal silence or kind dishonesty may not hurt the relationship immediately, but the lack of honest feedback also has the potential to hurt the person who asked for help.

Of course, neither of these tactics is ideal. Both are forms of what we’ve called the “Fool’s Choice” in our new edition of Crucial Conversations. People who make the Fool’s Choice think they have to choose between these two bad alternatives: “I can tell them the truth and lose them as a friend or I can be less than candid and keep them as a friend.”

The masters we’ve studied over the last thirty years use a different tactic. When they feel that they have to choose between two bad options such as candor or kindness, they avoid the Fool’s Choice by pausing and looking for the “and” instead of the “or.” They might say something like, “How can I tell this person that I don’t feel comfortable writing a recommendation and show him that I truly want to be helpful?” Or it might sound like this: “How can I say ‘no’ and keep her as a friend?” In both of these statements, we are trying to find the “and.” We are trying to clarify what we really want and what we really don’t want.

I suggest you do the following.

Your first job is to prepare for the conversation. Think through what you can say and how you’ll say it. When someone springs this request on you and others are present, you should delay. You might say that you’d welcome the opportunity to consider it and ask if you could talk later. This preparation brings you to the point of “taking the high road.”

I think the high road is being able to tell someone the specific reasons you are not able to refer him or her in a way that shows you are a friend. What you don’t want to do is try to soften the message by beginning with a string of praises before delivering the whammy. For example, “I think you are very technical, have great computer skills, and work very hard, but I think your communication skills would not allow you to perform well in the jobs available at this company.”

What is a better approach? After you consider the person’s whole resume, find a private and safe place to talk. Begin by saying that after your consideration, you find yourself in a dilemma. You want to be helpful to your friend and helpful to your company. Tell your friend that you can’t recommend him or her because you don’t think it would be a good fit. Ask if you can share your reasons why, then tell your friend the specific reasons and try to give some suggestions that you think might help him or her improve. Tell him or her this was a tough decision but you wanted to be a friend as well as be honest with your company.

One approach won’t work for every friend. But regardless of the person, make sure that before you speak up, you find out what you really want (to help your friend) and what you don’t want (to refer someone to your company who isn’t a good fit or to lose a friend).

In your efforts to avoid making the Fool’s Choice you will find yourself on that high road.

Best wishes,

Al

Dear Crucial Skills,
My friend owns a catering company and has a large and valued client who doesn’t pay their bills for three to six months after an event. While the annual income from this client is excellent, my friend is unable to cover the expense of their events and often falls behind until he receives payment. He wants to have a crucial conversation with this client to let them know he cannot accept these payment terms, but he doesn’t want to damage the relationship or lose their business. Can you provide advice on this matter?

Friend in Need

Dear Friend,

Here are a few ideas from Crucial Confrontations. The subtitle of the book—Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior—is clearly applicable to this issue.

Before I turn to your friend’s problem, let me say a word about confrontation. Many people would rather eat a nail sandwich than confront someone. They would rather bite their lip and suffer in silence than engage in a confrontation. And from your friend’s example, we learn that some people would rather fall behind financially—and potentially risk the success and stability of their business—than hold a valued customer accountable. Many probably think of a confrontation as a verbally or physically dangerous situation, but we do not use that definition. Our use of the word comes from its root—which can be summarized simply as a face-to-face conversation. Rather than accosting or remaining silent, a person confronts another person about his or her behavior directly and courteously.

Clarify expectations. With that sidebar out of the way, I begin with this point—excellent performance begins with clear expectations. It is simply a sound business practice and an effective relationship strategy to clarify what’s expected, but it doesn’t look like your friend has taken this important step. He should visit with his client and clarify payment terms. There are several possible outcomes of this conversation:

• Quick agreement. The most likely outcome is a quick agreement that the client will make payments in full by a certain date and that late payments will be assessed a fee. Starting such a dialogue should be as easy as saying, “Jim, I’ve come to visit you today because I noticed that we didn’t clarify payment terms in our contract.”
• Different opinions. If your friend and the client can’t agree quickly, then they should jointly explore the consequences. What does this payment schedule mean for the client; what does it mean for the vendor? I suggest that in this sort of dialogue, both parties should be candid about what it means for themselves and for the other person. Often the offending party may simply be unaware of the consequences of their actions. Letting them know candidly and factually may be enough to solve the problem.
• A diminished relationship. The forethought of a negative outcome causes many people to choose silence, and what they don’t talk out, they eventually act out in ways that could ruin the relationship like gossip, sarcasm, or avoidance. However, our experience and research supports the idea that this outcome is less likely if your friend chooses to speak up, goes into the conversation with good intentions, and brings up the issue in a way that encourages dialogue instead of debate.

Make sure your motives precede your message. Your friend needs to make sure he has his heart and head right before he opens his mouth. He should ask himself, “What do I want? What concerns might my client have? How am I viewing my client?”

Let me emphasize this point by sharing a story from Kerry Patterson. Several years ago, Kerry was working with an actor who was supposed to deliver the line: “You agreed to have the write-up to me by noon. It’s two o’clock. I’ve received nothing as of yet and I was wondering what happened.” When the actor delivered this line, he frowned and emphasized the words “AND I’VE RECEIVED NOTHING AS OF YET.” Because of this, it sounded like an accusation instead of an attempt to discover why the coworker had not met the deadline. After several failed attempts to remove the accusation from his delivery, Kerry told the actor the other person was a good friend who was normally quite reliable and that he was curious as to why he had failed to deliver on his promise. When given this background he delivered the lines perfectly.

Let’s say the actor is your friend and needs to deliver a line as simple as, “Jim, I’ve noticed we don’t have an agreement about a payment schedule in our contract. Could we talk?” On the first attempt, your friend might deliver the line with a certain iciness—the nonverbal actions and the tone of voice drip with the idea that the client is guilty of something hideous. So you encourage him to, “Try that line in a more curious way, like you are trying to find out what’s going on.” Your friend is better this time—the overt nonverbal actions are gone, but the subtle ones still hint of “gotcha!” You patiently take a new tack and suggest to your friend, “Think of this person as your best friend.” And your friend gives the line perfectly—a mix of courtesy and curiosity. There is no hint of prejudgment or disappointment or anger.

Your friend needs to make sure his motives are right before he meets with his client. If he does, he will engage in a healthy, face-to-face confrontation. And when he can talk about it in a safe way, he increases the possibility of a win-win outcome. If he doesn’t talk about it in an effective way, there is little possibility of the payment schedule getting better, but by his silence, he will almost guarantee that the relationship will get worse.

Best wishes in coaching your friend,
Al

Dear Crucial Skills,

What do you do when someone is rude or publicly cuts down another person in the middle of a meeting? When this happens, I have noticed that group dynamics change as people become quiet or even jump on the bandwagon and gang up on the speaker. I have given private feedback to individuals after such meetings, but the moment is damaged and the group’s ability to communicate and make good decisions is compromised. How do you handle group conflict in the moment and return to safety without publicly chastising someone?

Cut Down

Dear Cut Down,

If your team had ground rules, team members would know what is and is not acceptable, and they would be able to (courteously) tell each other when someone said something that was rude or cutting, and remind others that they need to act in accordance with their ground rules. The little amount of time it takes to clarify ground rules is a good way to prevent this behavior and presents a clear option for a quick fix.

If your team hasn’t already done so, you need to clarify expectations. In the best case, your team leader will help the team agree to three or four specific behaviors that will help them perform well as a team. Here are a couple examples:

• “When we feel a teammate has let us or the team down, we will talk to them privately in a courteous manner.”
• “We will give feedback to our teammates in ways that are honest, detailed, and courteous.”
• “We will keep confidential what is spoken in confidence in our meetings.”

But how do you handle rudeness when you don’t have pre-established expectations? One of the tactics we teach people in Crucial Confrontations is to speak up in these awkward moments by making a statement about what is expected vs. what is observed. In the very moment when the cutting remark is made, any member of the team could state, “I think meetings like this work better if we speak courteously to one another. That last comment was less than courteous. Can we avoid rude or sarcastic comments?” It often just takes one person to make a big difference.

Now I’m not so naïve as to believe that one such comment will always stop the attack. It often can and does, but not always. This is why we teach people to clarify the conversation they really need to have. We define three types of conversations—Content, Pattern, or Relationship. When the comment is a one-time comment, the conversation needs to focus on content. The statement I mentioned above is a content statement. You mentioned in your question that you’ve talked privately to individuals about this. When they make rude or cutting comments again, you have a pattern. When you talk to the person, privately, you need to talk about the pattern and the negative consequences of this pattern. And you need to get a commitment that they won’t do it again. If the person continues to be rude, it is not only affecting the team, it is affecting your working relationship. If the person is rude again, you need to talk about the relationship and how their continued bad behavior is affecting the way you can work together. You need to be clear about the actions you will take if they continue to make these comments. If you are a supervisor, that can mean progressive discipline. If you are a peer, it might mean that you will stop the progress of the meeting and ask that the team figure out how to fix this issue.

What do you do to get the feelings and the meeting back on track? I suggest you take a short break—five or ten minutes. There are many reasons for doing this. When someone says something rude or cutting, everyone in the room becomes emotional because they are experiencing little (or big) bursts of adrenaline. If you say something like, “Let’s calm down and continue this discussion in a few minutes,” you are appealing to the cognitive system, which works fast. But when emotions are high, people need a little time to cool down. Call a time out. When you reconvene, you will have the opportunity to invite the group to act in ways that will help the team conduct the meeting in a safe and effective way.

So in short, set ground rules if you can, speak up when you need to, call a time out to restore safety, and remind the group that some actions help while some hurt.

Best wishes,

Al

  Dear Crucial Skills,

My coworker continuously boasts and brags about almost every aspect of her life. When anyone from our team discusses their successes or their life, she has to outdo them and frequently talks over people in order to be heard. I have tried to deal with her bragging but I think we are officially on the path to a crucial conversation. I do not want to damage the relationship or cause tension in our department but it has become so excessive that I have even contemplated finding a new job! Do you have any advice?

Thanks!
Brag or Bust

 Dear Brag or Bust,

You are facing an interesting challenge—one I’ve seen or heard about many times. The most memorable comment came from an old high school buddy who, when we were about 40, made this comment about another person we knew: “When I toss pebbles in a puddle, he throws boulders in the ocean!” When my buddy made this comment, he sounded as frustrated and angry and perplexed as you do. Certainly, this is one of those conversations that is difficult and challenging to hold.

I once had a professor who had been entrapped by the same behavior as your coworker and who had overcome that particular challenge—with some help from his wife. My professor had a PhD, and he taught at the Air Force Academy and other universities. He was a full bird colonel and during his military career as a pilot, he traveled all over the world. At lunches, wine-and-cheese parties, and backyard barbecues, he would get entrapped. Someone who just returned from a cruise to the Baltic would mention a lovely dinner they had in Oslo, and the colonel would say, “Oh and isn’t the museum that’s next door to that restaurant lovely.” Another person would say, “I just got back from Rio and was on the greatest beach I’ve ever seen.” And the colonel would say, “It is grand, but I prefer the one about a mile south of that.” He had a comment to one-up just about everyone at the party.

The colonel didn’t see the problem until his wife said, “I don’t think you notice that you come across as bragging when you top everyone’s stories. Just because you’ve been all over the world, doesn’t mean you have to diminish what others have seen or done.” Then she added that old adage, “You have one mouth and two ears. You need to listen more and talk less.” He got the message. He changed. He found that if he asked the storyteller multiple questions, he enjoyed the conversation more. He could remember the places he’d been without topping the storyteller. And he found he could still be the one to take a turn at sharing a story. He had been topping people unintentionally, but his wife’s comment helped him see the consequences he hadn’t intended. The colonel didn’t change all at once. He commented that occasionally his wife tapped him with a stealthy elbow.

How do these examples relate to your challenge? Let me explain.

Get your motives right. What are you trying to accomplish? Are you trying to help or launch a guilt trip? Are you intending to be a coach or a critic? Ask yourself these questions, “What do I really want for her, for me, and for our relationship?” When you can feel in your heart that you are genuinely trying to help, then you are ready to talk.

Make it safe. What allowed the colonel’s wife to share her feedback? They had a wonderful and trusting relationship. It was safe for them to talk about annoying behaviors and they had both made corrections based on the other person’s assessment of their behavior.

The step above is essential to building safety. If your heart is right and your motive clear, it will be safe to talk. But if you come in with frustration and prejudgment on your face, you will make it unsafe. In order to make it safe, you should also make sure the conversation is private and convenient. You wouldn’t want to talk when you or your coworker is feeling stressed or tired.

You can also make it safe by clarifying your motive. We call this contrasting. For example, you might begin with, “I have an observation to share. I don’t want to come across as a critic. I do want to share an issue that will help our relationship and improve camaraderie within our team. I’m trying to be a friend.” When you have the right motive, you will find the right words to clarify what you don’t intend and rather, what you do intend.

Start with a specific observation and a question—not conclusions and emotions. Let’s explore the options. You could keep silent—the consequence being that you’d find a different job. To me, the stress and suffering of switching jobs far outweighs the costs of speaking up.

You could go in with moral indignation and say, “I can’t believe you are so dense that you brag and boast and interrupt people all the time! It’s horrible, and I, the other teammates, and most of the people in town, hate it. I’ve had it!” Also not a good option.

Instead of jumping ship or blowing up, I would say something like this, “Last week at our team lunch, I noticed that when Joyce talked about her camping trip with her kids, you commented that you and your family had taken your RV to Jackson Hole and then you talked about the elk and the art you had seen for several minutes. I noticed that Joyce frowned and shut up. I’ve seen you do this more than a half dozen times. I think it’s hurting the relationships in our team, and I’m not sure you even know you’re doing it. It’s difficult for me to bring this up, but I am hopeful that we can talk about it as friends. Can we talk about it?”

Prepare for alternate responses. Your coworker has a few options. She can say, “No I haven’t really noticed. I certainly want to do better. Could you help me?” Wouldn’t that be nice? And often that is what happens. However, there is the potential she will become defensive or emotional. If that happens, describe what you see, “I can see you’re upset.” And then contrast again. Share what you were not trying to do—offend her—and what you were trying to do—help. At this point, you can decide to end the conversation, or as often happens, your coworker will calm down and you can have a dialogue about the issue and some behaviors your coworker can practice when tempted to boast.

I hope this will help you prepare to talk to your coworker. If I had this problem, I’d hope for a coworker who would make it safe enough for me to hear how I could improve my relationship with my teammates.

Best wishes,
Al

Dear Crucial Skills,

Does anyone on your team have suggestions for holding a crucial conversation with an employee regarding his or her grammar and spelling in written communications?

I have an employee who is an outstanding performer—absolutely top notch in every way, except one. She struggles with basic grammar and spelling in her e-mail—simple things like using the word “well” instead of “will” or “ruff” instead of “rough.” How do you tell an outstanding performer that something as basic as grammar and spelling is holding her back? I would like to help her improve in this area, but the discussion is exceedingly difficult to have without hurting feelings.

Wanting to Help

  Dear Wanting,

Your question is connected to a variety of issues that people face regularly. Let me begin with a few comments before I answer your specific question.

When do I speak up? How serious does something have to be before I hold the conversation? Many people face this common challenge. First, let me say that sometimes something as basic as grammar, punctuality, or dress can seem to be a minor issue. Yet these issues bug us. We think about them and mentally frown and rant.

One approach for dealing with this is to give it time. Occasionally, time is a cure. And sometimes, it is not. So let’s take it a step further. When we go beyond simply being bothered by the issue to venting to others about it, the issue now has greater consequences. We are now part of the problem because we are affecting the person’s reputation. If an issue is so serious that we find ourselves acting it out instead of talking it out, we need to hold the conversation with the person in question.

How bad is bad? How bad does something have to be before you bring it up? If an issue affects only you, you can be exceptionally patient. But if the issue affects others, then bad becomes worse very quickly. Because grammar reflects on the quality and credibility of the organization, I consider it an important enough issue to address. So when the problem affects coworkers, customers, colleagues, and (in your case) people who determine who gets “held back” and who gets “promoted,” the issue is certainly serious enough to require a crucial conversation.

Your question: Here are some of the “givens” I see in your description of the situation. The issue is serious—her lack of good grammar affects many people. Her issue is an ability issue—it is not simply a motivation issue. She is a high performer in all other areas of her work. Your intention should be to help her not only with this skill, but also with her career. The following skills will make this challenge easier.

Make it safe to talk. Choose a time when you are in a good mood and a time when the employee is not stressed. You also need to choose a time when you can discuss this issue privately. Having observers will only reduce safety.

Begin with contrasting. Tell her what you are trying to achieve and what you are not intending. For example, “I would like to share an observation about one aspect of your work. I don’t intend for this to be a performance appraisal. What I’d like to do is share something that I think would be helpful in your career.” If she agrees, then share your observations—provide specific examples—and suggest you’d like to talk about the importance of grammar.

Come to an agreement. Does she agree that this is an issue? If she does, don’t give her solutions. Instead, ask her for potential solutions. If she has a good idea, make a plan. If she would like suggestions, come prepared to offer ideas. There are a lot of effective tools to help people with grammar—books, online tools, and public courses. If you are comfortable, you might suggest that you help coach her. However, I would like to add a point of caution: Many people feel more comfortable working to improve ability issues with people other than their boss.

In closing, if someone has bad grammar, turns in assignments just a few minutes late, or dresses in ways that cause you to cringe, you have an opportunity to decide how to take the next step. Remember, if it is affecting others or if you are acting it out instead of talking it out, you need to step up to the conversation.

Al

Dear Crucial Skills,

I have been a certified Crucial Conversations trainer for more than a year. Prior to my certification, I learned the strategies by teaching them to my family. While we aren’t perfect, we have come a long way in improving our communication.

I have a friend who is miserable in her marriage mostly because she and her husband frequently move to silence and violence or toggle between the two during even everyday conversations. It is painful to watch their marriage crumble. I lent them my copy of the Crucial Conversations audio companion, but I’m not sure they bothered to listen to it. I want to offer to mediate an argument so I can show them how to communicate effectively during a crucial conversation. What do you suggest?

Sharing the Love

Dear Sharing,

One of the toughest challenges is knowing how to help someone—especially if they haven’t asked for your help. There are some principles in Crucial Conversations that will help you, and I’ll use a couple in my advice to you.

First, I point to chapter eleven of Crucial Conversations, “Yeah, But . . . Advice for Tough Cases.” Some situations are tougher than others and we discuss seventeen of these situations in this chapter. Here are a few subtitles that might deal with the challenge you face:

• My Overly Sensitive Spouse
• Failure to Live up to Agreements
• Failed Trust
• Won’t Talk About Anything Serious
• Shows No Initiative
• Endless Excuses
• Regretting Saying Something Horrible

One of the findings of our research is that sustaining good results and strong relationships is based on how rapidly and respectfully people can resolve differences. Our work supported the findings of Howard Markman, a friend and one of the best researchers on relationships in the world. In his book, Fighting for Your Marriage, he states that the number-one predictor of lasting, happy relationships is “how people argue.”

You mentioned that you lent them your audio companion, and I think that is a good first step. This conversation might have sounded something like this. “My husband and I have found this CD very useful. It has helped our family communicate more effectively. I was wondering if you’d like to listen to it.”

A little note here. You said that you lent “them” the CD. Were they both present, or did you lend it to your friend and expect her to find a way to invite her husband to listen? If so, that may have been the problem.

You might want to get permission from your friend to see if you could try a more proactive step with both of them. By getting her permission, you would avoid any surprises. As an important side note, a recent study shows that when individuals have problems in their relationships and they go to their “friends,” the vast majority of the “friends” are quick to join in criticizing the spouse or partner rather than encouraging them to save the relationship. It looks like you’ve tried to help, but it’s important to note that your friend’s husband may not see the relationship the same way.

I suggest you use contrasting to clarify what you are not intending and what you are intending. In tough conversations, make sure your intentions or motives are clear before you engage in the conversation. So make sure both of them are in the room and that it is a safe and private environment.

It might sound like this. “I’d like to share some of the skills I train. I don’t want to be pushy or step in where I’m not invited. What I want to do is offer something that is helpful to both of you. I’m wondering if it might help if I share some of the communication skills I train at work and that I’ve found useful in my marriage?” And then you pause.

You might choose different wording, but the point I want to make is that clarifying your intentions first helps make it safe. Your friends might say no. They might say yes. They might question your expertise. They might get mad. But you made it clear that you were trying to be a friend—trying to be helpful and not wanting to meddle if your offer wasn’t accepted.

Even if they refuse your help, speaking up is so much better than saying nothing. I’m sure there are many, many individuals and couples who wish they had a friend like you.

Al

Dear Crucial Skills,

I have been with my company for five years and consistently receive “exceeds expectations” ratings on my performance reviews. I recently found out that a newly hired business partner is planning to take over my office. There are a handful of open offices in our area that he could take without interrupting another employee, and this individual will not be in the office on a daily basis. I have worked very hard to get where I am and do not feel it’s right for a new employee to make me move.

I get upset every time I think about this situation because I do not want to get pushed around, but I fear I will become emotional and rude if I speak up. I feel completely insulted that someone would think their title allows them to kick another employee out of their office. Can you give me some advice on how to approach the situation calmly, yet effectively?

Sincerely,
Not looking to move

Dear Not looking,

I can tell you’re frustrated because you feel like your options are limited. You can bite your lip and take it, and then move and lose. Or, you can speak up, blow up, and then move and lose. As I try to explore these and other options, I acknowledge that I don’t know all the facts, so I’m basing my advice on my experience with similar issues.

My approach to addressing this challenge is rooted in a poem that comes from Mathematics Theory. I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but the poem has a great point:

“What one does is only one of many things one might have done;
to appreciate the thing selected one must know the things rejected.”

Realizing I could have the facts wrong—and hoping you’ll forgive me if I do—I think there are a couple of good lessons we can learn from exploring your situation from several perspectives.

Action: You don’t speak up. If you’re like most people, you can’t keep your emotions and your words inside. Or, as we say in Crucial Confrontations, “If you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it out.” So you sprinkle a negative comment here or there when talking with your friends and that leaks out as gossip. You find yourself frowning at and avoiding the new business partner. Probable outcome: you move and your reputation is hurt because of the gossip and your bad attitude.

Action: You speak up with emotion. Forget about the namby-pamby courteous stuff. This is about what’s right and what’s just. You storm into your boss’ office and tell him or her all the good reasons you should stay and make the case that the new person should take a different office—all in one breath, no pauses, with fervor. If you take this approach, there are several possible outcomes:

1. Your boss listens and says, “Oh, I thought you knew the new partner has a son with disabilities in the facility across the parking lot. I thought it would be nice if he could see him when his son had recess or outings.” (A challenge that occurred at VitalSmarts a few years ago.) Probable outcome: You move, your reputation is a bit tarnished, and you feel guilty. You have a new problem, this time with your boss.

2. Your boss listens and says, “Are you finished? Look, I didn’t want to do it, but corporate policy requires that a business partner must have a window that is over sixty square feet in size. Yours is the only office that qualifies. What can I tell you? It’s policy.” (By the way, this policy is real in some organizations—you can’t make up stuff like this.) At least now you know what the real problem is and you can tackle the real issue if you choose to do so. Probable outcome: You move, you feel frustrated about red tape and bureaucracy, and your reputation is likely a bit tarnished. When people blow up only a little, other people start looking for this behavior a lot.

3. The boss says, “Whoa, don’t badmouth the new business partner; he doesn’t even know I’m moving him to your office. I made the decision; and it’s final. Now quit your whining.” Probable outcome: You move and it’s pretty clear what your boss thinks and you have another challenge to deal with—relationship and trust issues with your boss.

While some of these outcomes might occur no matter how skilled your approach, I know with 100 percent certainty that you’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll make it safe to have future tough conversations if you start this one in a positive way. This leads me to your third possible action.

Action: You speak up with candor and courtesy. You look at this situation, ask the humanizing question—”Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?”—overcome your fears, practice in private with a friend, then set an appointment with your boss and explain the situation.

It could sound something like this: “Jan, I read your e-mail saying the new business partner is moving into my office and I am moving to office 2C. I’m wondering how that decision was made and if it’s final. I think there are several reasons for me to stay in that office and have the new business partner take a different office. Can we talk?”

Your boss responds: “Oh, I didn’t know it was an issue. If you like, stay where you are.”

For an instant, you hesitate. You have eleven good reasons you should stay put and she’s not asking for them, but you swallow all of them and say thanks. You realize you assumed you knew the reasons for the office change—this caused you to get upset and potentially rude. However, you prepared and practiced, spoke up, and found that there wasn’t really a reason. Probable outcome: you stay in your office and you maintain your reputation.

Of course, there are other variations of these three actions—don’t speak up, speak up with emotion, speak up with candor and courtesy—but this is the point I want to reinforce: when facing a crucial conversation, we have three options:

1. We can avoid the issue, but our feelings generally leak out as gossip and we don’t get the results we want.

2. We can attack and unleash pent-up frustration and demands, but even if we get what we want in the short term, our actions almost always tarnish our reputation.

3. We can address the issue with candor and courtesy and fill the pool of shared meaning with information from all sides of the issue. When we engage in dialogue, we are likely to get the best result—even if it isn’t always the one we wanted—and we are likely to maintain our good reputation and strong relationships.

I hope my advice will help you hold the right conversation to achieve the right result.

Al

  Dear Crucial Skills,

I am the president and chairman of a large private school. I recently came on as the president and found the school to be in worse shape than I was previously told. After studying the leadership structure, meeting with teachers and parents one-on-one, and reviewing numerous surveys, I think I need to dismiss the current headmaster. The problem is he has only been here for two years, owns a home in town, and has another home for sale in another state. While I know he needs to be dismissed, I want to be sensitive to his family. How do I sensitively dismiss him while protecting the future of the school? Did I mention it is a Christian school? Sensitivity and perception are important around here. Help!

Signed,
Sympathetic, yet Certain

  Dear Sympathetic,

This situation is certainly challenging. You want to do what’s right and you want to make sure you do not impose unintended consequences as a result of your actions. I’m right with you there. At this point, I think you’ve taken every necessary step to show that you are sympathetic and interested in understanding the situation from multiple perspectives. You have made a careful diagnosis. I commend you for this, and I advise others who face similar tough issues to do the same. Diagnosis comes before prescription.

While you know what you should do, you still wonder how you should do it. Let me address your question in two parts.

First, has the headmaster been given the clarity, the support, and the time to improve? Often when there is a pattern of poor performance, one of these components is missing. Sometimes, there is lack of clarity in what was expected or in the feedback about the person’s performance. Any HR professional can attest that too often in the case of poor performance, behaviors are not documented or clearly noted in the employee’s file.

In the rare case that the poor behavior has been clearly discussed and documented, the next most common problem is that the person has not had the time or access to the resources needed to improve—resources such as training, coaching, mentoring, and feedback. That’s because leaders often assume the employee should already have the skills and judgment to perform. In either case, without the components of clarity, support, and time, questions of fairness will undoubtedly arise. That is why the best organizations have clear, written steps for progressive discipline. The steps are clear to everyone and the process is fair. The reason I bring this up is to ask if you have a progressive discipline process and if so, whether or not you have followed it. If you haven’t, you need to take these steps first. If you did follow it and performance has not improved, then it is time to let the headmaster go and you can do so fairly and confidently.

My second piece of advice concerns what to do next as many groups watch and wait for your decision. If you have followed the progressive discipline steps above and performance has not improved, then you are not helping any of the groups, including the headmaster, if you do not let him go and soon. If he is not effective, staff, faculty, parents, and students—and probably community leaders—will wonder why they have to live with lower than expected performance.

This situation will most likely be painful for the headmaster who, I’m almost certain, comes to work every day feeling bad. Aware that he is not meeting expectations, he probably feels like he is swimming in dark, deep water and something dreadful could happen at any moment. I believe we do a disservice to employees when we avoid letting them go and allow them to feel unsettled and frustrated every day. We need to respectfully remove them from that situation, and to the extent possible, we need to help them transition to the next phase in their lives. That may mean providing a good severance package or serving as a reference for a job we think they can handle. Whatever you choose to do, just make sure to do it with respect.

In conclusion, you need to quickly clarify what is not working and provide the headmaster with a path to improve or to exit. These actions have helped many to improve. If he improves, then your problem is solved. If he does not, then you need to help him out of a painful situation by letting him go. As a leader, your job is to take that action so others in your team or department don’t have to create work-arounds or carry the extra load. This is a leadership lesson worth learning early in your career.

I think you have been sympathetic and you’ve certainly been respectful. Now it is time to be candid and help him out.

Best wishes,

Al