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This letter was received in response to a question Kerry Patterson answered in the June 22, 2011 Crucial Skills Newsletter titled, “How to Eliminate Sarcasm.”

Dear Kerry,

Your response to my question was very useful in helping me find the next steps I needed to take.

I shared your article with my wife and family and explained to them that I wanted to change. They recognized the behavior straight away and agreed these were exactly the type of responses they could expect from me—sometimes humorous but often hurtful sarcasm.

I invited them to continue calling me on that behavior each and every time they saw it. They entered their role with unexpected enthusiasm, and I ate from a humble pie dish as I started to learn new habits.

Having gotten buy-in from my most severe critics, I took the next step. I explained to my work colleagues that I exhibited this behavior, but I wanted to change and needed their help to do so. After some initial doubt as to my sincerity, they too entered into the spirit and have been open in their feedback.

Your advice in bringing everyone into the picture was instrumental in helping me along this path. I occasionally lapse into sarcastic behavior, but I have a group of folks around me more than willing to continue to help me. I sometimes forget, but others do not and I get that direct, non-punishing feedback I asked them to provide.

Chagrinned

Editor’s Note: If you would like to share similar feedback about how the authors’ advice has helped you, please e-mail us at editor@vitalsmarts.com.

We’re pleased to announce that Beka Raden is the winner of our monthly drawing. She will receive a signed copy of one of our New York Times bestselling books.

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According to our recent poll, nearly one in ten people know someone who made their boss’s naughty list and was fired for inappropriate behavior at an office party.

The poll also revealed the most frequent concerns employees have concerning office parties:
1. How long to stay
2. Socializing with upper management
3. The level of drinking among coworkers
4. How friendly to be with colleagues
5. How to dress

The key word in the expression “office party” is office, not party. You can party almost anywhere you want, but when colleagues, bosses and possibly even clients are around, that is no ordinary party and you’ll need to act accordingly.

Here are five tips for surviving your holiday office party:
1. Linger longer—If you can only come for a moment or two, you’d better have a plausible explanation as to where you’re going after—and it can’t be a more popular or fun-sounding party. When it comes to leaving, take your cue from the majority. Leave when most people are leaving.
2. Make small talk with the big guys—Socializing with upper management is like eating caviar, a small amount should go a long way. When you do chat, keep the topic light and party-relevant. Don’t seek recognition or brag. If anything, be the bearer of compliments.
3. Stay sober—Drink what you want in the privacy of your home. But at work, do not lose control. Ever. No matter what others are doing. If you say things to coworkers that you wouldn’t say when completely sober, you could pay the consequences for years to come.
4. Keep it casual with coworkers—Obviously, you’re expected to be more friendly, jovial, and personal within a party environment. However, if you’ve been interested in striking up a more friendly and intimate relationship with a special colleague at work, the office party is not the place to take your first shot.
5. Dress to impress—Ask around and find out what others are wearing. The invitation may suggest the attire, but you never know how the suggestion will be translated, so check with your coworkers. Then, dress slightly above the average.

One of the greatest gifts you can give to others is the ability to hold high-stakes conversations, respectfully confront others about their bad behavior, and influence change.

Enter to win one of ten signed hardcover copies of Crucial Conversations as well as a $20 Amazon gift card (total prize valued at $50) by sharing the Crucial Skills blog via Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn or your favorite social networking Web site, then e-mail us a link to the individual tweet or update. Each time you share the blog and e-mail us, you will be entered in our giveaway. Ten winners will be selected on Saturday, December 31.

When I took the Crucial Confrontations course at the end of September, my intent was to improve my conflict resolution facilitation skills. Within a few weeks of completing the course, I helped a key member of an organization get unstuck, see another story, and take a path to action that avoided a potential relationship blow-up. The added tools in my utility belt were a good fit. However, I really wasn’t expecting to have to call on them for myself since my personal and business relationships were pretty solid. True, I did have a mild case of masking to deal with, but I felt fairly good about my ability to carry on meaningful and important conversations. Maybe I was a little too smug about my skills, because they were soon put to the test.

November rolled around and I was leading a meeting to explore a possible process change. Before the meeting started, one of the directors pushed one of my hot buttons. He began to challenge, no denigrate, the validity and effectiveness of an initiative I was championing. The atmosphere went hostile in a moment. Before I knew it, my emotions went into hyperdrive. I could literally feel the blood leaving the reasoning part of my brain. Others in the room watched in amazement (some with horror) as they saw that I was visibly agitated. Some meeting attendees later told me they thought, “What is going to happen next?”

At the same time, it was like I was having an out-of-body experience. I began to think about the steps towards building a shared meaning even though I was steaming. The director was clearly out of line; nevertheless, I didn’t want to blow-up and make things worse. I was tempted to mask and go silent, stewing in my anger. So, I forced myself to think about some of the class exercises (it’s amazing how quick the mind can work). I put together my first sentence in response: “This adversarial behavior is not helping our meeting.” Maybe this wasn’t the best choice of words, however, calling things as they were did stop him in his tracks. I regained composure, asked to set up a separate meeting with him later to discuss his concerns, and then continued with the meeting. There was still a little tension left, but not near what it could have been. Several attendees came to me in private and thanked me for standing up. I’m still working things out with the director; however, our conversations are much more honest and I think he has a newfound respect for me. The Crucial Confrontations approach really does work!

If you have a Before and After story you’d like to share, please send your story to beforeandafter@vitalsmarts.com.

Inside Steve’s Brain, Expanded Edition by Leander Kahney – This book about Steve Jobs and Apple is an insightful look into the contradictory, messy, passionate job of leadership and brilliance—lest we conclude that life really is about following a career plan and checking tasks off a to-do list.

Leading Change by John P. Kotter – I find it such a powerful idea to make a distinction between “managing change” and “leading change.” His eight-stage process is a practical and useful map for organizational change.

The Soul of a New Machine by Tracy Kidder – This 1981 book won the Pulitzer Prize for non-fiction and deserves a read every couple of years to remind ourselves about the “real world of work” with its psychological torture tests and draconian management techniques and the real people who have dedication, passion, commitment, and pain. It reminds me why we do what we do.

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box by the Arbinger Institute – This is a powerful description of how the impediments of self-deception and systemic collusions paralyze us and undermine our most important relationships. Recognizing and breaking through these barriers frees us to realize our best intentions.

This letter was received in response to a question Joseph Grenny answered in the May 16, 2011 Crucial Skills Newsletter titled, “Don’t Pass the Buck.”

Dear Joseph,

Your response to my question was very helpful because of your comments on the kind of culture I would create if I intervened every time someone came running to me with a concern. I was not trying to avoid a “confrontation” with an issue, but in this case I would be enabling a person who likes to manipulate others through my authority. Furthermore, I knew that this person’s version of the story was almost always quite different from that of others.

I have taken an opportunity to talk to my direct reports about the importance of talking to each other when issues arise. I know that they often worry about these conversations, but most of the time, these conversations are about relatively small things that will make our company run better. Still, having the conversations can be stressful for some people. We have been emphasizing that as we use Crucial Conversations techniques, the atmosphere is conducive to both parties reaching understanding.

The individual who I am most concerned about has not changed her basic tactics. She still wants to work behind the scenes. For example, there was a dispute while I was on vacation, and when I returned, she wanted to have a meeting to tell me all about it. In this case, I decided it was best to get both parties in the room at the same time and ask them to explain the chronology of events and what they were thinking as events took place in a factual way. This took out the part of the conversation where Party A tells how Party B did something because they wanted to undermine them (stories made up in their mind).

In this case, the relationship was already strained, and they needed a referee to make sure it was a clean conversation. The individual I have a problem with did not like this one bit. I am now stuck with the problem of dealing with a person who does a great job 90 to 95 percent of the time but causes relationship issues with her fellow managers. As a manager, I have to keep working through the situations—trying to teach your art! I must say that your book is the most helpful management tool I have ever come across. Management and leadership are about relationships, and Crucial Conversations is so practical and earthy. It is easier to apply than anything I have ever read.

Signed,
Carry Your Own Water

We’re pleased to announce that William Weare is the winner of our monthly drawing. He will receive a signed copy of one of our New York Times bestselling books.

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