Dear Crucial Skills,

In our hospital, we have a person who made a grave mistake during surgery. As the manager’s pet, she was not disciplined or reprimanded, but anyone else would have been fired on the spot. The rest of the staff noticed the special treatment given to this individual and are extremely resentful. How do I, as one of those staff members, interact with the offending person without letting my resentment show?

Resentful Coworker

 

Dear Resentful,

We studied this very problem in our research, Silence Kills, and found that 84 percent of healthcare professionals observe colleagues take dangerous shortcuts when working with patients and yet less than 10 percent speak up about their concerns.

I applaud you for raising your concerns. Nobody wants to work in an atmosphere of resentment that could compromise your paramount concern of patient safety. However, the situation you describe is complicated. There are many parties and probably many perspectives on the same set of facts. Let’s begin by examining your concerns.

1. Ask yourself, “What do I really want?” Think about what you want long-term for yourself, the other person, and for your relationship. This is what I learned from your question:

• You want fairness and justice. You think your peer is “the manager’s pet,” receives “special treatment,” and perhaps should have been disciplined, reprimanded, or even fired.
• You want to make sure your team provides patients with the safest, best care possible.
• You want a positive set of relationships so people don’t feel resentment toward one another.

2. Master your stories. Each of these concerns is based on a set of facts and/or a series of incidents, including the mistake that happened during surgery. But different staff members, and your manager, may interpret these same facts in different ways. All of you are telling yourselves stories about what these facts mean.

Treat your story as a story, not as a fact. Your story should be your best, most honest interpretation of what the facts mean. But also look out for what we call “clever stories”—interpretations that let you off the hook for feeling resentful and letting your feelings show.

Interrogate your story with two questions: a) “Do I really have all the facts I need to be certain my story is true?” and b) “Is there any other story that could fit this same set of facts?” Let’s examine two of the stories you’re telling yourself:

Your story about fairness and justice: What are the facts or incidents that combine to make you tell yourself a story about injustice? How confident are you that your story is true? Here are a few questions to consider:

It sounds as if you are holding your peer accountable for not being disciplined. Shouldn’t that concern be with your manager more than with your peer?

I wonder whether you and your manager are telling yourselves different stories about the “grave mistake.” Your manager may not have witnessed the mistake and that may mean he/she has less information. On the other hand, your manager may have interviewed your colleague as well as others who were there and this information might be both important and confidential.

Your story about patient safety: Any time you have a concern about patient safety you need to deal with it. It’s one of those non-negotiables. However, before you have this crucial conversation, examine your story.

It would be easy to tell yourself the story that your manager is putting friendship above patient safety. That would be a very troubling conclusion. But is it true?

In the old days, errors were often blamed on whoever touched the patient last. Every error was considered “operator error.” Then the pendulum swung toward “system error.” Errors and near misses were seen as caused by faulty processes and procedures rather than individuals. Of course, sensible people demand both capable systems and capable individuals. Neither is sufficient by itself. Do you see how this interplay complicates the stories you and your manager tell about the very same incident?

I don’t have enough information to know whose story is closer to the truth. But I think there is a lot of room for people who value fairness, justice, and patient safety to disagree. Have this conversation with your manager, but don’t assume he or she has bad intentions.

3. Start with the facts, then tentatively share your story. Take the time to prepare for this conversation. Try writing it out as a script and then review it to make sure you:

• Avoid accusations or any “hot” words or phrases.
• Begin with your good intentions—what it is you really want. Explain that this conversation is about patient safety. That is your mutual purpose.
• Start with the facts. These facts include the incidents you are fairly sure you and your manager will agree on. This is your common ground.
• Tentatively tell your story. Draw the pattern these facts are forming for you. But remember, your manager may see the facts—and almost certainly sees the pattern—differently than you do. Be careful to be respectful of your manager’s story.
• Stop so that your manager can share his or her perspective. Understand that some of the facts your manager has are likely to be confidential.

I also encourage you to review our latest study, The Silent Treatment, at www.silenttreatmentstudy.com or register for The Silent Treatment learning series to learn how to solve critical communication breakdowns and avoid dangerous mistakes in the hospital.

David

Dear Crucial Skills,
I run a city initiative to clean up garbage in the spring. Do you have any advice for influencing residents to stop littering in the first place?

Fighting Litter

Dear Fighting,

Thank you for your community service. We each need to do our part. After all, we are the community, and the community is us.

This is a great challenge. I’ll use it to illustrate the Influencer process, applying a few basic principles from Influencer and our new book, Change Anything. I’ll also pull ideas from a successful anti-litter initiative I found while researching your question.

Crucial Moments. Look for leverage points—the times, places, and people that contribute the most to your litter problem—then focus your efforts on these hot spots.

• Places: There are probably a handful of places that are magnets for trash—abandoned lots near schools or bars, busy bus stops, fast-food restaurants, etc.
• Times: There are probably a few times of the week or the year when people are most likely to litter—Friday nights, before and after football games, during parades, etc.
• People: There are probably a few people who are especially likely to litter—people who eat while driving, etc.

Focusing on crucial moments is a very powerful way to magnify your efforts—regardless of your challenge. The leaders of the anti-litter campaign on San Juan Island discovered a perfect storm for litter: Place—the main road to the dump; Time—weekends; People—those who drive pickup trucks without a cover on their load. They created a campaign called “Secure Your Load,” using signs, direct mail, and press coverage. Their targeted campaign eliminated a major source of litter on the island.

Vital Behaviors. What few behaviors have the biggest impact in these crucial moments? I’ll share a few potential behaviors supported by literature and anti-litter initiatives. You should determine the two or three vital behaviors that are key to addressing your community’s litter problem.

• Remove litter before it becomes the norm. Researchers have found that litter attracts litter. This is also known as the broken window effect. People see litter—or a broken window, graffiti, or weeds—assume it’s an accepted practice, and contribute to the problem.
  A while ago, my wife and I lived in a neighborhood that had become a target for late-night graffiti taggers. We helped organize a volunteer initiative that made it cheap, if not free, to get paint that exactly matched the buildings, fences, walls, or other structures that were being tagged. This worked much better than painting over graffiti using a standard white paint, which left white boxes on the sides of buildings.  We expected the taggers would return again, so businesses were encouraged to keep the bucket of paint handy and to paint out the graffiti each morning. When taggers discovered that their graffiti work had been entirely removed before members of the public saw it, many left our neighborhood. The situation was not eliminated, but it improved dramatically within just a few weeks.
• Reduce the source of the litter. Another successful component of the San Juan Island Anti-Litter Initiative was to identify a few organizations that generated far more than their fair share of litter. They found that the Washington State ferry system was placing cardboard tags on the windshields of every car waiting to board ferries. When these cars drove off, these bits of cardboard became litter. They influenced the ferry system to change the way it tracked cars, eliminating the need for the tags and reducing litter.
• Place trash receptacles in litter-magnet locations. This is an obvious vital behavior. Find the litter magnets and add a trash can or dumpster. The challenge of course is that these trash receptacles will have to be emptied on a regular basis, but emptying them is far easier and less expensive than picking up trash.

Develop a Six-Source Plan. Once you’ve found the leverage points—the times, places, and people that contribute the most to your litter problem—and identified your vital behaviors, develop a plan incorporating all six sources of influence that supports the vital behaviors. I’ll suggest a couple of strategies within each of the six sources.

• Personal Motivation. Meet with the businesses that are litter magnets. Explain the broken window theory, then ask them to pick up trash every day for just two weeks so they can test whether the theory will work for them. Discovering a solution that works can be very motivating.
• Personal Ability. Make it easy. We gave businesses free paint that was already formulated to match their building. You might try giving them free trash bags and arranging for extra garbage pickups.
• Social Motivation & Ability. Form a quick-response team of neighbors or businesses. These teams can work with a business that’s a litter magnet—picking up their litter every day for two weeks to prove the broken-window theory. Another social strategy is to sponsor a public education campaign that involves local newspapers, schools, community Web sites, popular bloggers, and more. On San Juan Island, the local paper set aside space for a regular “Trash Talk” column.
• Structural Motivation. Often the litter magnets are in violation of city laws. While you offer them help for keeping their areas litter free, you can also remind them of these laws.  Businesses may also need permission from the city to place a trash receptacle on a city sidewalk.
• Structural Ability. As I mentioned above, one of the best tools for battling litter is the humble trash can. Make it easy for people to dispose of their trash. Work with businesses, schools, the city, and other organizations to install appropriately sized trash receptacles in locations that are targets for litter. Make sure these receptacles are emptied regularly.

I hope I’ve sparked ideas for applying these principles to your litter problem as well as other problems you face at work, at home, or in your community. Sometimes I think of the Influencer process as a magic wand for creating change. Once you have the wand, your question becomes, “What problem should I tackle?” When it comes to influence, there is no prize for thinking small. Maybe you can use Influencer to prevent littering in your neighborhood. Or maybe you’ll take on a different problem. Maybe you’ll influence people to live healthier lifestyles, or to spend more quality time with their families, or to perform at a higher level at work.

What will you influence for good?

David

Dear Crucial Skills,

My sixteen-year-old daughter excels academically and plans to pursue a university education to become a physiotherapist. She is a very intelligent and sensible teenager and is admired by family, teachers, and friends. However, her teacher called me with concerns about her recent behavior, attitude, and work habits. Lately, she procrastinates homework assignments, rolls her eyes and talks when the teacher is talking, and disrupts the class by getting up during inappropriate times.

I have also noticed that she is always tired—partially due to the fact that she stays up too late. She has no ambition to get a job or a driver’s license, and she resents helping with light household chores like washing dishes.

When we try to have a conversation with her about these issues, she gets defensive and argues with us. I don’t feel like I can have a constructive conversation without it turning into a power struggle. How can I have a positive influence on her?

Powerless

  Dear Powerless,

It sounds as if you have a wonderful and talented daughter. Congratulations. None of this parenting stuff is easy. You and your daughter are now navigating that tricky time when you help her increase her independence, autonomy, and responsibility. It’s a time of exploring and testing, which involves growing pains all around.

There are many parenting skills I’m sure you’ll employ. These range from setting limits and providing choices to giving your daughter an opportunity to be heard. I’m going to focus on some approaches that are especially appropriate to use with people who are sensitive to being ordered, directed, or nagged by you—think spouses, bosses, and, yes, teenagers.

1. Before a conversation, ask yourself, “What do I really want?” Try to avoid getting too caught up in any single issue—unless your daughter’s safety is involved. While your short-term goal may be obedience and respect, your long-term goal is to enable her to make wise choices on her own—and to involve you in frank and trusting dialogue.

2. Encourage her to detail her long-term aspirations. Your daughter is caught between short-term certainties and long-term aspirations. These short-term certainties are winning because they are more concrete, believable, and immediate. Find ways to make her career goals more salient and real by encouraging her to get some direct experience. For example, have her visit a local college, maybe spend the night in one of their hosting programs, and attend a few classes in her area of interest. In addition, consider having her volunteer at a local hospital or clinic where she can assist professionals and see what the career is like. The more real and detailed her aspirations are, the more motivating they will be, and the more they will influence her daily decisions.

3. Ask her about her aspirations, and get her to explore the barriers. Make time to talk with your daughter about her aspirations, and take care to avoid jumping in with advice. Your goal is to show respect for her ability to work things out, and to make her do the heavy lifting. Sometimes this is called the Columbo Method, after the TV detective from the 70s. Columbo played dumb and asked open-ended questions instead of giving answers. For example, it may be obvious to you that staying up late and procrastinating are barriers, but you want your daughter to have to think it through for herself.

Parent: “Hmmm. You want to study physiotherapy in college, and make that your career. I just don’t understand your whole plan for making that happen. How do you see your classes and your grades this semester fitting into that?”

4. Don’t advocate for one side of an action if it forces your daughter to advocate for the other side. Suppose you make a statement that advocates for one side over the other. Here’s how the dialogue might go.

Parent: “When you stay up past eleven thirty, you are tired and grumpy the next morning.”

Daughter: “So what? At least I don’t miss out on the TV shows people are talking about the next day.”

You have advocated for one side and forced your daughter to advocate for the other side. Together, you’ve fleshed out both sides—the costs and benefits of staying up late—but you’ve done it in a way that puts you and your daughter on opposite sides.

5. Roll with resistance. This is a technique from Motivational Interviewing, an approach we discuss in Change Anything. If your daughter takes a position on one side, don’t rise to the bait and take the other side. That would turn your conversation into an argument. Instead, roll with her resistance—reflect back what she has said, and use the Columbo Method to encourage her to elaborate and say more. Usually, she will then explore both sides.

Daughter: “I have to stay up late. It’s when all the popular shows are on. If I don’t watch them, I’ll be left out of the conversations at school.”

Parent (paraphrase without taking sides): “You feel pressured to watch late-night shows so you don’t get left out of conversations at school?”

Daughter: “A little bit, but I like some of the shows, too.”

Parent (get her to explore both sides): “Okay, you like some late-night TV shows and you feel a little pressure to watch them. What do you see as the other benefits and costs of staying up late to watch them?”

Daughter: “I like the shows. I want to see them. But I guess it does make it hard to get up in the morning. And sometimes I have to rush to get my homework done.”

6. Practice patience. Few of us are good at weighing long-term goals against short-term temptations. Don’t expect your daughter to master it all at once. Continue to push her to evaluate her options and make her own decisions.

David

Dear Crucial Skills,

What should I do if I believe I have reached my “peak” in my company and professional growth is stagnant? I posed this question to HR and managers only to receive dull feedback, which makes me feel they have no ideas or suggestions. I suggested I earn another bachelor’s degree in a field we need, but the tuition assistance program only permits me to take classes directly related to my current position. I have my letter of resignation ready to go and am simply waiting for the job market to improve, but I hate to start over again and prefer to avoid it if possible. What should I do?

Needing Growth

  Dear Needing,

Thanks for your question. Many people are in your position—often without even knowing it. Their careers have stagnated and their jobs may even be at risk. This is a tough situation, but there are actions anyone can take to regain control of a stalled career.

We studied this question while writing our upcoming book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success. We went into organizations and asked people: “If you were facing a really tough problem at work, and had time to get input from someone in your work group, who would you go to for the best, most trustworthy advice? You can name up to three people.” We found there was a lot of consensus on who these people were. We got what statisticians call a “power curve.” Half the people weren’t named by any of their peers; however, about ten percent were named by nearly half of their peers and were recognized by everyone as the “go to” people. Not surprisingly, managers also named them as the most promotable.

When we look closely at these highly valued individuals—across a wide range of organizations—we learn they share the same three characteristics:

1.  Know Your Stuff. These promotable people are top performers at their current jobs, and put in regular effort to stay on top. If they are software developers then they are among the most skilled at writing code. If they are salespeople then they are among the most skilled at closing sales. They work hard to keep current and hone their craft.

2. Focus on the Right Stuff. Top performers seek out the problems that have the greatest strategic importance to their team, their manager, and their organization—and find ways to contribute in these areas. How do they get to these mission-critical assignments? First, they are intensely interested in understanding their teams’, managers’, and organizations’ priorities, and the challenges these priorities entail. Second, they equip themselves to make their best and highest contribution to addressing these challenges. They work on themselves, their skill set, and their access to critical tasks.

3. Build a Reputation for Being Helpful. Top performers are networkers. But their networks aren’t just a collection of business cards and friends. These promotable people use their expertise and time to develop a reputation for being helpful. They become widely known and respected by others because they help others solve their problems.

With this as a backdrop, consider what you can do to position yourself for career growth inside your organization, or potentially in a different organization. Begin with an honest, steely-eyed assessment of where you stand on the three characteristics of highly valued employees. Do you have a reputation for knowing your stuff, focusing on the right stuff, and being helpful?

Second, work to improve your reputation in these areas. Begin by asking some questions that are a bit different from “what are my career opportunities here?” Instead, get some informal time with the leaders and peers you respect most, and ask them about the most important priorities they see, the most critical challenges they face, and the best way you can help them achieve their goals. There is nothing wrong with asking about career opportunities, but those questions haven’t yielded the results you want. So, try asking questions that will help you build your reputation.

As you discover key priorities and challenges, you may learn you need to skill up, but it’s doubtful you need another bachelor’s degree. It’s more likely a few classes, a certification, or a volunteer assignment will get you the skills and experience you need. For example, if you are trying to get into a project management or supervisory role, can you find a well-known nonprofit organization in the community that would have a specific short-term project you could assist them with in the evenings or on the weekends? You could then add these classes, training certifications, and experiences to your resume and include the people you worked for as references.

These suggestions require that you don’t allow yourself to be limited to what your organization is willing to sponsor. Instead, you may need to invest your own resources and time outside of work in the short-term to achieve your long-term goals. I also want to emphasize the importance of maintaining strong relationships with HR and your management team. You don’t want to have the reputation of a dissatisfied employee—a complainer. That would undercut the very reputation you are trying to build.

I wish you the very best in your career development and agree with your point that the current job market presents obvious challenges for everyone—hopefully short-term challenges.

David

Participants in my Influencer training got into quite a debate on where addictions like gambling fit in the six source model. They are unclear about whether or not the behavior can be attributed to personal motivation or personal ability. What is your view (and rationale for your view)?

I think that addictions include both personal ability and motivation.

Ability: Many addictions have inheritable components. Many create physical withdrawal symptoms. Many create lasting changes to the addict’s brain. And overcoming an addiction usually requires extensive skill building.<./p>

Motivation: Many addictions take the form of urges that are difficult, but not impossible, to resist. Often an addiction begins as pleasure-seeking behavior.

In our new book, Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success, we devote an entire chapter to addictions. The data suggest that overcoming addictions (alcohol, gambling, smoking, sex, drugs, etc.) requires all six sources of influence.

David Maxfield

Dear Crucial Skills,

I have a problem at work involving a boss who is never satisfied. Our branch has the highest ratings possible and yet our annual letter from the boss always says, “I know we have the potential to be good.” This wording sounds as if we are not good now, despite having the highest possible ratings. How can I show my boss that a more positive approach would improve employee morale and help productivity?

Discounted Employee

  Dear Discounted,

What a frustrating situation: the glass seems to be full, but your leader describes it as half empty. This is a perfect opportunity to use the Crucial Conversations skills: master my stories and explore others’ paths. You receive an ambiguous and disappointing message from your manager. You see his or her story, but you don’t know the facts behind it. In addition, you draw conclusions and tell yourself a story about your manager.

The key to solving this issue is to learn what your manager is really trying to say—and to make sure you interpret the message accurately. Let’s imagine his or her motives and then explore solutions.

The annual letter may be more ceremonial than informational. Your leader may send similar letters to every branch every year. In this case, the letter isn’t meant to be taken personally. Instead, it’s meant to convey your manager’s overall philosophy: that your company has great potential to do good work.

Before you talk to your manager, touch base with a coworker from another branch to make sure you’re not overreacting. If you find out the letter is just ceremonial, then put it in perspective. It may not be worth a conversation.

Your ratings may not tell the whole story. There may be other metrics, such as overtime, staffing levels, market penetration, profitability, and the like, that aren’t captured in the ratings but that still matter to your leader. If this is the case, then your team needs to track these other metrics and work to improve them.

This is a conversation you and your peers need to have with your manager. Here is a possible starting point: “Your letter made me wonder whether our number-one rating isn’t really telling the whole story. You said we had the ‘potential to be good.’ Are there measurements of our work that aren’t reflected in the ratings—aspects we need to improve on in order to be ‘good’?”

Your manager may fear complacency. Even the best individuals and teams need to continually improve or they’ll be left behind. Some leaders are afraid too much praise will cause people to become content with their current level of performance and slow their continuous improvement efforts. If this is the case, then your team needs to have clear and visible stretch goals so your manager can recognize your progress while acknowledging your achievements.

This is another conversation you and your peers will want to have with your manager. A starting point might be, “As you know, our branch is ranked number one. Yet, your letter didn’t exactly celebrate our achievement. You said we ‘had the potential to be good.’ I want to check in with you to see if you think we’re becoming complacent or if there is some other problem I’m not aware of.”

Overall, it sounds as if you have two tasks: First, to make sure you and your leader agree on how the branch is performing. That’s the focus of the suggestions above. Your second task is to help increase the motivation, morale, and productivity in the branch. Here are a few suggestions.

Manage the data stream. Make sure your leader and your team monitor the same dashboard. Work with your manager to determine a few metrics that create a balanced snapshot of the branch’s performance. Set challenging improvement goals and then update your progress daily, weekly, or at least monthly. Frequently seeing this feedback and progress will reduce any gaps between how your leader and your team judge the branch’s performance.

Increase opportunities for feedback. An annual letter should be one piece of feedback among many. Additionally, this feedback should come from a variety of sources beyond your immediate manager. Consider the variety of internal and external customers your branch supports and then create forums for getting their feedback. Listen for the good, the bad, and the ugly. When possible, include your leader in these information-gathering sessions so he or she can hear about your performance from those who are most affected by it.

Create personal experiences. A letter isn’t nearly as impactful or motivating as face-to-face dialogue. Find ways to visit internal and external customers. Invite leaders—your manager and others—to visit your branch. Encourage these leaders to share their views on how your branch can achieve broader business goals, where your performance is on track, and how you can improve.

Share mission moments. Take time to relate incidents that tie the branch’s work to its mission. One story per meeting is plenty. These stories should be timely and involve everyone. These stories of actual incidents will prove far more motivating than any yearly letter could ever be.

I hope these suggestions help you get started. Please don’t have the crucial conversation with your manager until you’ve first checked your perspective with a few trusted peers. Focusing on an annual letter your manager sees as nothing more than symbolism might get you labeled as a complainer or as overly needy.

David

Dear Crucial Skills,

After working as chair of a small committee in my department for more than a year, my boss told me I must step down because the committee finds my leadership “chaotic.” I am concerned that this is indicative of my inability to lead. I chaired the committee years back and was relieved of command without a full explanation, and I have served on several committees without being asked to chair. My question is two-fold. First, can leadership be learned or is it a trait people are born with? Second, what should I do to regain the trust of my department—I’d like to be a leader.

Lacking Leadership Skills

  Dear Lacking,

Good for you for turning this unfortunate situation into an opportunity for personal development. Too many people in your shoes become defensive, angry, or depressed.

Is leadership a trait? No! You don’t have to change your genes or revisit your early upbringing. Rather, leadership is a bundle of skills, and now is the perfect time for you to master them.

Begin with a skill scan. Consider the different skills that are required to lead committees, and determine where to begin. You already have some clues. Your boss says the committee finds your leadership “chaotic.” Learn more about what that means. Find someone who will share tough truths with you, and get concrete examples of when your behavior caused others to draw that conclusion.

Chances are you need to build your skills in one or two of the competencies involved in leading a committee. Here are the areas I’d consider:

Project Management Skills: Committees are formed to accomplish objectives. The committee leader is expected to manage the overall process of achieving these objectives. Up front, you work with the committee’s stakeholders to define the project. Then, during the project, you work with team members to keep the project on time, on spec, and on budget. Maybe “chaotic” means you aren’t doing enough between meetings to keep the project on course.

Meeting Management Skills: The committee leader usually leads the committee’s meetings. Meeting leaders make sure the right people are at the meeting, they come prepared, and they make sure the meeting starts and ends on time, the agenda is clear, and decisions and next steps are documented. Maybe “chaotic” means people find the meetings confusing or unhelpful.

Dialogue Skills: The committee leader is expected to foster open dialogue and to help resolve disagreements. Do your committees get bogged down in disputes? Do you see silence and violence instead of honest and frank discussion? Maybe “chaotic” means people see dithering, debate, and denial where they want dialogue.

Political Skills: The committee leader is expected to maintain strong communication links to the customers and stakeholders who are sponsoring the committee. The leader keeps everyone updated on progress and changing needs. Maybe “chaotic” means people feel blindsided by changes that come from outside the committee.

Build the skills, using deliberate practice: Listen to others’ specific feedback. Select the area where you are weakest, and then build your skills. Read books and articles, or take a workshop. Even better, find a colleague who is a good leader and ask for coaching.

Then begin your deliberate practice. Volunteer for an assignment that requires you to use your new skills, but don’t practice at work. Find a community or volunteer assignment where you can build your skills.

A warning: Maybe your boss isn’t being completely direct with you. Maybe his or her real desire is to have you spend less time working on committees and more time working on another assignment. Ask yourself whether leading a committee is the best way for you to contribute. If it isn’t, then consider focusing on an area that makes you more valuable.

Finally, if a leadership opportunity presents itself in the near future, don’t pursue it. New skills require an investment of time. So does regaining trust. Don’t rush back into a committee chair position until you and your organization are ready.

David

Dear Crucial Skills,

I am having problems at family mealtimes. My husband’s table manners are not good—he eats like a hungry animal and spoils the dining experience. I have done my best to ignore his behavior over the years, but my teenage daughter is upset by it and I think his manners are getting worse.

Disgusted

  Dear Disgusted,

I read your question at the end of my workday, so it was on my mind when I sat down to dinner with my wife. I can be guilty of poor table manners—eating too quickly, taking large mouthfuls, and talking while I chew. And I don’t always react well to being reminded about my table manners. After all, it’s not like I’m spilling food on the floor or eating with my hands.

I see three challenges in this conversation. First, you don’t want your husband to feel attacked or disrespected. That’s not your goal, and it would provoke defensiveness. Second, you’re dealing with an entrenched habit that will take some time and attention to change. It won’t be a single conversation. And third, because your husband will need reminders, you run the risk of coming across as a nag. Somehow you need your husband to take responsibility for making the change.

Find mutual purpose. Before the discussion, consider your mutual purpose. What purpose does your husband share for making the change? What goal does your husband have that his eating habits are impeding or thwarting? For example, many couples see family meals as opportunities to communicate and connect. Do you and your husband share this goal?

In addition, your husband may have other goals that are thwarted by a slow dinner. Maybe he is rushing to get to an activity. Or maybe the current dinner conversations are less about communication and connection than about tasks and assignments. Are there ways to make family dinners more convenient and pleasurable?

Describe the gap. Start by explaining your positive intentions, and then describe what you expect and the behaviors you are observing. Avoid inflammatory language, e.g., “You eat like a hungry animal.”

Here is an example: “I’d like to see if we can use our family dinners to connect more as a family, especially with our daughter. Is it okay if I share some specifics that I think would help?” Give your husband a chance to respond here. You want to create safety so he won’t feel attacked.

Be ready to present your issue. For example, “I have noticed that you eat very fast, making dinner time feel more like a race than a time to be together. I’d like us to spend more time together over meals, and to include more conversation. Are you aware of how fast you eat?” Again, give your husband time to respond. Listen to his perspective, but don’t lose track of the issue you want to address.

Be ready to respond and reinforce the behavior you want to change. For example, “I would like you to slow down when you eat and help all of us take advantage of the time we have together.”

Check with your daughter before you bring her into this discussion. Make sure you aren’t hiding behind your daughter—that you present this issue as your concern. But also, don’t keep your daughter’s concerns a secret from your husband. Every father has a right to know when he’s spoiling a relationship with one of his children.

Get his buy-in on the broad issue, and then ask for permission to remind him. Our eating habits are both personal and tough to change. We’ve practiced them so often that they’ve become a part of our automatic pilot. Even when we want to change, we fail to notice when we slip into our old ways. Ask your husband whether it’s okay to remind him when you see him slip, and together develop a cue that won’t be embarrassing. For example, you might use a question like, “What was the high point of your day?”

Actually remind him. It’s inevitable your husband will slip, and exhibit his bad table manners. Let’s suppose you see him take a giant bite out of a pork chop, argue a point while balancing a meatball on his tongue, or pick his back molars with his index finger. Use your cue, and, if necessary, talk to him later in private. Remind yourself that when your husband slips, it’s not because he doesn’t care. It takes time to change long-standing habits.

Focus on a positive vital behavior. If you determine that one of the purposes for having your husband eat slower is to improve family connections during meals, then you can take some positive steps that will help promote the kind of exchange you desire.

I’ll share one strategy you can use to promote dialogue among all parties at the table. I learned it from Al Switzler, my VitalSmarts colleague. It’s a game that’s designed to build and practice conversational skills.

Having a conversation is like playing tennis. One person serves up the topic, and then you both volley the conversation back and forth. The goal is to keep the conversation in play. If I serve up the topic, then your role is to respond to my volley in a way the keeps the conversation alive. After a while we switch servers, so the other person has to come up with topics to discuss.

Imagine that you, your husband, and your daughter practiced this conversation game for at least part of your dinner meal. It’s incompatible with speed eating, and it contributes to your long-term mutual purpose. Try to have your husband, not you, take the lead on explaining and initiating this kind of activity.

Finally, be patient, and put this problem into its proper perspective. Many habits are much worse than bad table manners, but few are harder to change.

Best wishes,
David Maxfield

Dear Readers,

I created a firestorm with my response to last week’s question about the crucial conversations world leaders are having about climate change. Like most people, I obviously have my own views on global warming. However, I didn’t intend to write a political column and I am sorry it came out that way. I got more than 40 negative responses on the blog and our editor received several as well. Ben Semadeni echoes many readers’ reactions when he says, “I was disgusted with this column . . . It illustrates that even the ‘experts’ totally botch the process.” But then he goes on to say, “I’d love to see you take another stab at this topic.”

I like Ben’s suggestion. However, rather than dig back into the climate change content, I’d like to use this column for its real purpose—to learn about dialogue. I’d like to apply the crucial conversations principles to last week’s column and its resulting controversy. My guess is that we all find ourselves in this unfortunate position from time to time. I hope my transparent application of these conversation tools will also rebuild my relationship with some of you with whom I may have lost faith.

1. Explore Others’ Paths. Our readers are a pretty gentle crew, so when they write, “you’ve lost credibility,” “you’ve used this forum as a soap box,” and “what unprofessional text!” I know people are deeply upset. I’ve seen and felt the heat of their sentiments and to understand what I’ve done to cause these feelings I need to backtrack to the facts behind these stories.

Backtrack to Facts. Most of the letters I received focus on an assumption I made and never actually acknowledged. I now clearly see this oversight. In my response, I called four statements about climate change that leaders from the BASIC nations had agreed to as “facts.” While the leaders in their agreement also called them “facts,” they are better characterized as “conclusions.” Not only did I label these conclusions as “facts,” I also applauded their agreement because I felt it represented “progress in their dialogue.”

Here’s the rub. Many readers disagree with these “facts” and don’t see “progress” in this direction as a good thing. When I described these as “facts” and as “progress,” it caused these readers to question my credibility and motives. They saw this as an unfair use of the opportunity this forum provides me.

2. Start With Heart. I need to look inside myself and decide what my goals are.

Work on me first. My honest, first reaction to the criticisms was frustration because I felt most comments didn’t deal with what I saw as the topic I’d addressed. Instead of focusing on Copenhagen and the dialogue and disagreements between world leaders, readers focused on disagreements they have with world leaders. That wasn’t my topic.

However, I see now that this reaction on my part was a way of bypassing people’s legitimate frustration with my use of this column.

Focus on what I really want. I need to ask what I really want. As far as this forum is concerned, what I really want is for people to discuss dialogue and influence skills in a way that advances our shared understanding. And I want to be fair and honest in my author role. I really don’t care about advancing or exchanging facts about any political agenda. In the article, I included an undiscussed assumption that many readers saw as a political position, and that was not my intention.

3. Restore Mutual Respect and Mutual Purpose. This is where actions speak louder than words. I care deeply about this forum, so let me begin.

Mutual Respect. I’ve violated mutual respect in two ways. I’ve disrespected some of you by stating a position in a way that came across as underhanded; and I’ve shared an opinion that some of you see as naïve or misguided. I want to apologize to you and clarify my intent.

I’ll try to “practice what we preach” by using a contrasting statement. I didn’t mean to be underhanded. I did try to answer the question posed by one of our readers. Here is what happened. The way the original question was posed (“what dialogue should world leaders have?”) and the way the leaders in Copenhagen framed their agreement (“we’ve agreed on these facts”) created a blind spot that I didn’t see.

I was narrowly focused on the Copenhagen dialogue and failed to remember the broader dispute. As a result, it didn’t occur to me that readers who disagree with global warming would be offended. It was never my intent to either persuade others to accept global warming or to offend readers who don’t accept global warming. I’m sorry I was insensitive to your views.

Mutual Purpose. I see our purpose as building and sharing dialogue skills. We’re not a forum for presenting political views. I will redouble my efforts to avoid doing so. At the same time, we’d like to be able to examine topical political dialogue. We think social and current issues are rich turf for crucial conversations. It would be a shame to put them totally off limits.

I hope you will see this week’s column as more consistent with our community’s purpose. I’ve tried to share how I am applying our dialogue principles to my dilemma. I did not want this to simply be an apology because that would be misusing its purpose as well. Rather, I wanted to demonstrate that I care about what we teach by showing how it helped me through a tough week.

Thanks,
David

Dear Crucial Skills,
I followed the climate change summit in Copenhagen last December and found it very frustrating to watch world leaders unable to agree on actions they must take to protect the ecological health of our planet. The meetings quickly disintegrated into a discussion about the individual wealth of their own nations.

What crucial conversation would help leaders agree to a plan to preserve the planet’s health—even though this will be at some economic expense to all?

Frustrated with World Leaders

Dear Frustrated,

This is a great and timely question. Resolving climate change will require leaders to address some very sensitive conversations. And as citizens, we can help. When we take an interest and speak up, it encourages our leaders to speak up as well.

Crucial conversations require dialogue. Climate change has been mired in silence and violence for many years. The good news about the Climate Summit in Copenhagen was that more than 130 world leaders came together. Heads of state from five opinion-leader nations (U.S., China, India, Brazil, and South Africa) met for seven hours and negotiated an agreement that forms a framework for a 2010 world summit in Mexico City. The decision-makers are at the table, and dialogue has begun.

It helps to Start with Facts. Another major advance world leaders made at Copenhagen was to agree on a set of facts related to climate change. These facts establish the common ground needed to build solutions. A few of the most significant of these facts are:

• Increases in global temperatures must be limited to 2 degrees Celsius.
• Some countries will be especially hurt by climate change and other countries must support them.
• Deep cuts in global emissions of CO2 will be required.
• Developed countries and developing countries will need to follow different paths.

World leaders must now find Mutual Purpose. This gets to the heart of your question. Nations and their leaders look to their national interests, which are often in conflict—at least in the short term. Climate change is a global issue that requires a broader, more long-term view. Remember the question we ask in Crucial Conversations: “What do you really want—for yourself, for others, and for the relationship?” This is the question leaders must ask.

Here are a few crucial conversations where national interests may be in conflict—and mutual purpose must be found. Our leaders would do well to bring these crucial issues to the table:

1. Developed countries, especially the U.S., use the most carbon per person. Developed countries benefit if carbon is capped at the national level, not the per person level. Developing countries, like India and China, use far less carbon per person, but they will soon use the most at the national level. They benefit if carbon is capped at the per person level.

2. Developed countries have proposed a cap-and-trade strategy. This strategy benefits developed countries because it favors rich over poor. Developing countries are hurt by this approach.

3. Developed countries have an obligation to resettle refugees. Island and low-lying countries—places like Bangladesh and Vietnam—will lose large portions of their land mass, producing tens of millions of climate refugees. What obligation do developed countries have to resettle these refugees?

4. Developed countries have benefited the most from carbon use over the last 100 years—and have been responsible for the greatest amount of carbon-related damage. Does this mean they should be held accountable for the damage already caused and pick up a greater share of the repair and resettlement bill?

Soon we must Move to Action. Have you ever been part of a team that got bogged down because the facts were never complete and the options never ideal? When it comes to climate change, we will never have all the facts or a painless solution. But we will have to act anyway. We can’t afford to let the perfect become the enemy of the good.

In Crucial Conversations, we recommend to decide how you will decide. Some climate change decisions may involve consensus targets, but most are likely to be consultative or independent. We can’t let the desire for consensus prevent us from taking action either independently or with small groups of other opinion-leader nations.

Finally, when a problem is profound, persistent, and resistant, its solution will require more than a crucial conversation. It will require a full-fledged Influencer strategy. Next week, I will apply our Influencer model to your question.

Best,
David