Dear Crucial Skills,

I often find that I, as a consultant, am brought in as an expert, but as I attempt to guide clients toward a different way of thinking or problem-solving, they take it as a threat to how they currently do things. A power struggle ensues because they think my recommendations are an attempt to change them. Isn’t that what they hired me to do?

How can I get them to understand that my recommendations are meant to help, that we are heading toward the same goals, and that they hired me to help them fix something that isn’t working? How should I respond when someone asks for my advice then gets offended when I give suggestions?

Signed,
Trying to Help

 Dear Trying,

You’ve come to the right guy! After years of answering questions, I finally get someone asking me about consulting! Thank you, thank you.

In addition to the ideas I’ll share below, I encourage you to read the reader comments below my response. I know many of our 169,000+ subscribers are consultants (internal or external), so I hope they’ll share a boatload of wisdom as well.

So how can you increase the chance that your ultimate recommendations will be seen as helpful thoughts rather than annoying criticisms? Here are a few practices I use:

Contract up front for commitment from the real leaders. When you’re contracting for the work, be sure you’re reporting to a group that wants change. Often, at the front end of a project, I talk with a senior person who is motivated to lead change, but as things progress the work gets delegated to those with more parochial agendas. I’ve learned that I have more influence before I promise to take on a project. After that, you begin to get consumed within the system that everyone else gets stifled by. So, I take advantage of that “influence window” to contract with the real leaders of change for the amount of time and access I will need in order to accomplish the result they are asking of me. Then I hold them to it.

Clarify and document the mission. I’ve found that in longer-term projects you can easily get mission drift—especially in my work. Leaders say, “We want to change the culture.” With a charter a mile wide like “changing culture,” you’re bound to get people who criticize most anything you do—as it doesn’t match their image of what these vague “results” mean. I am very careful to ask leaders up front to clearly articulate, publish, and document the mission. What behaviors are you trying to change? Why do you want them to change? What results will that produce? How will we measure success? If I’m sloppy about clarifying, documenting, and socializing the results at the front end, it’s easy for people to take offense or disagree with what we ultimately produce.

Honor what’s working before talking about change. In Crucial Conversations, we teach a skill called contrasting. Essentially, we teach people to avoid giving unnecessary offense by helping others understand not just what you mean but also what you don’t mean. When someone like you or I comes in spouting off about change, it’s easy for people to feel like their important contributions are about to be lambasted. That’s not your intention. You aren’t trying to show disrespect for the thousand positive things that are working well. You’re trying to offer ideas for how to improve a dozen or so things that aren’t.

Be sure to explicitly acknowledge best practices that are working well as a way of contrasting to ensure you maintain a sense of mutual respect and mutual purpose with those who have created what you are criticizing. If you sincerely acknowledge what’s working, you make it easier for them to see that your motive is to help, not just to make yourself look like the only smart person in the room.

Build motivation by calibrating to their ability. This is a tricky one. You want to be sure you’re honest about what needs to change, but if your recommendations seem overwhelming, even well-intended leaders will lose motivation to consider them. You have to calibrate your recommendations to their ability to absorb them. Sometimes their rejection of your proposals is a reflection of your failure to present them in a hopeful way rather than an overwhelming concern that leads to more work.

Involve them in the journey. I left this one for last because it’s one I want you to remember. As I said in the previous suggestion, your job is not just to offer right-headed ideas, but to do so in a way that builds motivation to address them. The best way to do this is to involve your clients in the discovery process. If you do too much of the diagnosis with little or no involvement on their part, then you’ll be left to use verbal persuasion—PowerPoint presentations filled with sterling logic and compelling data—to make your case. And as we teach in Influencer, verbal persuasion is the least effective tool you can use. Direct experience is the best.

When VitalSmarts conducts assessments, we never do interviews without partnering with the leaders who will be responsible to implement findings. We know that having them hear key concerns firsthand affects them emotionally in a way PowerPoint never can. Be sure your consulting process builds motivation along the way and you’re less likely to be surprised by resistance at the end.

Best wishes,
Joseph

The following article was first published on November 17, 2010.

Dear Crucial Skills,

With the holidays quickly approaching, I have found myself caught in a sucker’s choice with my family. My wife and I have made it a tradition to travel to my parents’ home seven hours away for Thanksgiving. This year, my parents informed me that my sister will also stay there. My sister is a drug addict and has been in and out of jail for thirty years. Every time she gets out, she claims to clean up her life and my parents roll out the red carpet to help her. When she returns to her destructive patterns, they turn a blind eye.

For years, this has caused all kinds of problems between my parents and five siblings. I would love to keep my tradition of spending Thanksgiving with my parents, but I don’t feel comfortable staying in the same home with my sister. It’s a rural area so there are no hotels or other arrangements available.

I see only two options: either continue with the tradition and hate the experience (which could also be potentially dangerous), or forgo the tradition and hurt my relationship with my parents. I can’t find a win-win here. Please help.

Signed,
Stuck

  Dear Stuck,

If you’ll give me some latitude, I’m going to wax philosophical and share my perspective on the purpose of life. My goal is not to persuade you that my view of life is right, but simply to share one perspective that gives context to my suggestions.

In my view, life is about achieving intimacy with those we’re inseparably connected to. Family is first and foremost in that category.

Now, how is that relevant to my dialogue with you? Because I walk in your shoes. I have dear ones who also struggle with addiction. Some of the most searing pain of my life has been watching them destroy months of progress—only to land once again in jail or on the street. Almost equally painful is watching those who care about them behave in ways that positively enable their self-destruction. It’s agonizing. And my natural reflexes toggle between an overwhelming urge to either take control of the situation or to distance myself from it.

And yet, neither impulse is consistent with my view of the purpose of my life, which is to develop the character to achieve intimacy with imperfect people. When I try to take control or distance myself from my struggling loved ones, I find that my life is the poorer and my character weakens.

When I find myself in your shoes, the question now becomes, how can I remain close in a way that exerts positive influence on those who are the most troubled?

Enough with the philosophy. So what about your situation?

First of all, you made a reference to danger. If by that you mean you might take children into a situation when your sister is using, I would decline and explain this concern to your parents. And when doing so, cleanse yourself of any intention of using this decision as a threat to get them to exclude your sister. Simply explain that you can appreciate their desire to include your sister—and hope it is a good experience for them and her—but that your children give you other considerations. You may even want to make a call on Thanksgiving Day and wish your parents and sister well so they don’t misinterpret the decision.

If you choose to participate in the Thanksgiving tradition, there are a couple of crucial conversations you’ll need to have:

1. Motives. You need to change your motives. This year may not be about peace and harmony in the home. It may be filled with uncertainty and awkwardness, but it might still be meaningful. In fact, it could be more meaningful than many others. Your goal will not be to fix your sister or to correct your parents. It will be to improve your relationships with all of them—to try to achieve greater intimacy. Doing so may increase your positive influence in the future in all their lives.

2. Boundaries. You can’t control your sister or your parents, but you can control yourself. Decide in advance what kinds of situations may play out. Then ask yourself, “If what I really want is to be a positive influence on my sister and my parents, how will I respond?” Don’t wait until the resentment of the moment hits to make this decision. Think it through in advance.

Then discuss these boundary conditions with your parents. Let them know you love them and want to be part of this holiday, and that you have your own view of how to deal with some of the potential challenges. You don’t ask that they agree with you, you just want to explain your intentions so they can understand your motives in case you behave in a way they find jarring.

For example, if your sister uses, you may choose to leave or you may call the police. Before you arrive, discuss these boundaries with your parents and see if you can come to terms on them. If you disagree in important ways, you may elect not to participate. If that is the case, do not announce that decision in a punishing way. Don’t use your decision as a way of provoking your parents to concede to you on these points. Honor their right to disagree. Affirm them. Express your love. Ask if it’s okay if you arrange another visit with them when things are simpler.

If after working through these two conversations you find yourself at the family gathering, be as good as your word. Take small steps to show love to your sister. Expose yourself to the discomfort of possible disappointment or rejection. You may well find, in some future situation, that your improved relationship with her puts you in a position of influence to help her take a steadier step toward sobriety. It may be one step forward and two steps back (it certainly has been with some of those I love).

While these situations are complex and difficult, I can tell you that this Thanksgiving, one of the blessings I will feel most intensely is the intimacy I now have with one who looked the most helpless for the longest time.

I hope I haven’t been too presumptuous. If I’ve misunderstood your situation or imposed my own views inappropriately, please forgive me and don’t let my imperfection drive distance between you and me.

Sincerely,
Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

When my grandmother became very ill, my dad and his four siblings struggled to come to an agreement about what was best for their mother. My aunt (the oldest sibling) became very controlling and everyone had a difficult time staying in dialogue with her, including my dad who is exceptional at mastering his stories and building mutual respect and mutual purpose.

This conflict has now ruptured relationships such that after more than thirty years of tradition, we are cancelling my grandma’s family Christmas party. I would like to see my dad and his siblings forgive each other and focus on the needs of my grandmother, who is obviously affected the most. How can I help my family overcome past fights and come together for the holidays?

Signed,
Facilitating Forgiveness

 Dear Facilitating Forgiveness,

I was thinking about your question last week while I took my morning run in the National Mall in Washington, DC. As I ran past the wonderful new Martin Luther King memorial, I screeched to a halt in front of a granite inscription that read, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

I’ve ruminated ever since on the implications of that powerful concept for your situation. Here are some thoughts I hope will help:

1. Patience is the most genuine expression of love. The first thing to keep in mind is that you cannot force forgiveness. You can’t compel other people to soften their hearts, examine their own faults, or modify their judgments of others. You have to wait until they want to.

Allowing them to go through the process of challenging their own emotions is an authentic expression of your love for them. It reflects your willingness to patiently wait for the family unity you crave so they can go through the natural process of human growth. Attempting to force the process is more likely to create resistance than reform. Watch—but wait—for signs that others feel some of the loss you feel, then make gentle attempts to help them move forward.

2. Forgiveness is the natural result of a new story. We can’t feel differently toward others until we think differently about them—and ourselves. Forgiveness is difficult because we stay stuck in the story we’ve told ourselves about what happened. As long as we maintain a picture of others’ villainy and our own virtue, we feel morally justified in our anger or frustration. We take delight in the suffering we hope the other person is feeling from our withheld affection because we perversely imagine they deserve to suffer or that the suffering is a learning experience. “Perhaps,” we reason, “this mutual misery will help them see the error of their ways and become a better human being. I’m a wonderful person for helping them have this life-changing experience!”

Until we intentionally examine our own faults and others’ virtues, we feel no need to forgive. The instant we begin this painful but wonderful process, the icy feelings inside us begin to melt. If we continue that process to its natural end, feelings of forgiveness are inevitable. Changing your story is the key to changing your feelings. Don’t try to get others to forgive. Instead, help them to challenge their stories. Forgiveness will follow.

3. We’ll challenge what we think when we change what we want. Given that challenging our stories is a painful process, why would anyone do so? We do it when our motives change. That’s why the first principle of Crucial Conversations is start with heart. When your motives change, your behavior follows naturally. People who resist forgiving are sometimes stuck in self-justifying stories—stories that protect them from the pain of reexamining their view of themselves and others. Sadly, the primary motivator that drags our story into the light is the acute experience of the pain of a lost relationship.

Now, I know your question wasn’t about helping yourself forgive, but about facilitating that process in others. So how can we use the principles I outlined above to influence others to forgive? First, don’t rush them. That just distracts them from experiencing the pain that could motivate them to change. Second, acknowledge their pain. Affirm the parts of their story you agree with and the hurt they legitimately feel. Third, invite motivation. Let them know you miss the family gatherings and guess they do, too. Tell them you think there is a way back to the former intimacy if they are open to discussion. Then be patient again. Periodically reaffirm the invitation, but don’t badger. When they’re ready, they’ll let you know.

One of two things might happen if you are patient and supportive. First, your family members may just bury the past and reconnect without resolving anything. Perhaps this is an acceptable compromise if all are happy with it. Second, they may respond to your invitation to help. If they take the second route, this will be your big opportunity for a crucial conversation. I’d suggest you invite them to share their story, then request the chance to share a different view of things. Be clear up front that your intent is to help them see what happened differently so they can feel differently, and gain their consent for this process before you dive into it. If they seem resistant, withdraw and assure them you aren’t trying to force your view on them. If they are going to change their minds, they will have to invite your influence in doing so.

Our judgments or demands of others won’t drive out their stories—just like hate cannot drive out hate and darkness cannot drive out darkness—only love and light can do that. While I don’t think there is any special brilliance in these modest suggestions, I hope you discern the heart of them—patience, love, and an appeal to what they really want is the only path to helping people reappraise their stories and reconnect with loved ones.

Happy holidays and peace to you and yours,
Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

I have just confirmed that my daughter is using drugs and I am beside myself with worry. I have always been very frank when I talked to her about drug use and I fear that because I made her feel safe to talk to me about it, I may have also made her feel like I condone the use of drugs. She confides in me because she feels like she can tell me anything and I don’t want to lose this relationship.

How can I express concern for my daughter’s behavior and drug use without damaging our relationship and losing her trust?

Worried Mother

 Dear Mother,

Good for you!

Good for you for thinking about both sides of the parenting problem you have to solve. You’re not just worried about expressing disapproval of a self-destructive choice. You’re also worried about ensuring your daughter feels safe maintaining dialogue with you. And in my estimation, doing these two things is the heart of parenting.

Now to answer your question, let me make a huge assumption. The fact that you’re worried you sent a message of tacit approval of drug abuse makes me suspect you probably have. I assume this worry is fed as you review past interactions with her and find it hard to recall a consistent pattern of clear expressions of disapproval. With that said, don’t give yourself an “F” on being a positive influence, as your own personal decision to not abuse drugs is an important force for good. However, clear influence has to go beyond silent disapproval.

I know you asked how to “talk,” but I’m going to broaden the issue to the larger topic of influence. Here’s the picture we, as parents and guardians of our children, need to have: there are six powerful sources of influence that shape our children’s (and our own) choices. And most of them line up in support of experimentation with harmful substances. For example:

Personal Motivation: Kids are told it feels good. Experimentation is pitched in morally appealing packaging—as a way to experience life, demonstrate independence, be your own person, learn about new options, etc.

Personal Ability: Information about options, dosages, delivery methods, etc. is widely available.

Social Motivation and Ability: Powerful peer influences can encourage participation and shame those who don’t engage. Kids mentor each other in new ways to get high, ways to get money to get high, and ways to avoid detection. The messages kids get from peers through Facebook, YouTube, movies, television, and other media tend to be pro- not anti-drug abuse.

Structural Motivation: Costs for drugs have declined over the years in a perverse version of Moore’s law, the drug high gets stronger as the prices get lower.

Structural Ability: At school, kids are probably never more than five minutes away from access to illicit drugs or alcohol.

I’ve only scratched the surface in describing how the various methods of influence shape the world your daughter inhabits far more than they did when you and I were walking school halls. I share all of this as a backdrop to a resounding answer to your question. Kids today need much more than a passively disapproving parent in order to avoid succumbing to an overwhelmingly potent influence strategy to engage in harmful behavior—they need parents who are aware of how all six sources of influence are affecting their children, and who take action to offer their children an environment that supports positive choices.

With that said, a conversation is a good place to begin. It could very well begin with, “Sweetheart, I worry that I’ve been derelict in a very important responsibility. I want to begin remedying that now. . .”

You then need to confront her with the information you have about her drug use. Do so factually. Do not use judgmental language, lay out the case that convinces you there’s a problem. For example, a horrified parent might be tempted to say, “Don’t you dare lie to me, I know you’ve been using. You’ve already been sneaking out with friends and lying to me about what you’re doing.”

The “facts first” version would sound more like, “When you asked me to bring your cell phone to you at school, a text came through. It was from Denise. She said, ‘Does your Mom have any more oxy? I need some.’” Resist the temptation to embellish or exaggerate the information you have. Simply lay out the facts then share your conclusion: “Sweetheart, it’s clear to me you have used drugs.”

At this point, you need to reassure her she is safe discussing this with you. After you lay out such embarrassing and sensitive facts, most teens will worry that your motive is to judge or punish them. Let her know that’s not the case. For example, you could tell her, “I am not bringing this up because I am angry at you or to try to embarrass you. I love you, and I want to help you make choices that will make you happy. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

Your goal is dialogue. Only through a healthy dialogue can you influence her heart and mind rather than just her behavior. But similarly, you won’t influence her heart and mind if at some point in the dialogue you don’t make a strong and clear statement of disapproval—not of her personally, but of this choice.

A few years ago, we worked with the White House on the campaign, Parents. The Anti Drug. We conducted research and created a list of Crucial Conversations tips for speaking up to your kids about drug abuse. These tips can help you in this very crucial conversation with your daughter. I encourage you to check them out.

I am thrilled to know that you have carefully established trust with your daughter that enables her to talk to you. Just make sure you haven’t done so in a way that diminishes your ability to have her listen to you. That would not be dialogue, but monologue. Find a way to get your voice into the dialogue while still preserving the wonderful safety you’ve so effectively created.

Best wishes,
Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

Do you have any advice for someone who is looking for a white-collar job and has a conviction in his record? How and when should he or she bring it to the attention of the potential employer?

Signed,
Timing is Everything

 Dear Timing,

You ask a great question. And while many readers might not be in your exact position, I think all of us have been in a similar situation. It may be that we’re applying for a job and have to explain a long period of unemployment on our resume. It could be that we’re in a performance review and need to put a disastrous project in the context of our larger year’s work. Or perhaps it’s pitching a proposal to a client who might find a gap in our credentials worrisome. Hopefully the advice I offer below will be valuable to people in a variety of situations where they need to acknowledge a fly in their ointment.

Let’s answer the easy questions first. Then I’ll offer a social science principle as a guide for your ultimate decision on timing.

First, you have to bring up your conviction as soon as legally required. For example, if you are asked a direct question in an interview or are required to fill out a form, of course you must disclose whatever you’re legally required to share.

Second, you must do it soon. If you wait too long, you risk the potential employer feeling manipulated or deceived.

Third, with that said, you want to wait to bring it up until you’ve established a mental frame of who you are in the employer’s mind that is much larger than the past offense you committed.

To illustrate the psychological principle behind this, I invite you to try the experiment at this website before reading further. It will take about three minutes and is a lot of fun.

Spoiler alert: If you read further before trying the experiment, you won’t enjoy the video!

If you won’t be watching the video, here’s the gist of it. University of Illinois psychology professor Daniel Simons created a video experiment in which six people—three wearing black shirts and three wearing white—pass a basketball to those wearing the same color shirt. Viewers are asked to count how many times the ball is passed by those wearing white shirts. After a minute, subjects report their count. Then, they are asked if they saw anything unusual. Shockingly, the majority report that they saw nothing other than the black- and white-shirted players passing balls. This is so shocking because when they are invited to view the video again, they are stunned to discover that in the midst of the basketball melee, a person in a gorilla suit walks slowly into the very center of the scene, pounds his chest, then saunters off—and they never saw it!

Human beings use heuristics to improve mental efficiency and decision-making. We distill complex realities into simple rules of thumb. When we’re trying to get a handle on a person sitting in front of us, we develop simple labels such as punctual, athletic, lazy, or likeable. These labels act like an instruction to the brain—watch for basketball passes between white-shirted people—that cause us to filter out data that distract from the simple task we’ve created. From this point forward, we suffer and benefit from selective perception. We can even miss a huge gorilla in the center of our visual field because we’re looking only for information that fits our heuristic.

If you share a psychologically significant piece of data early in your relationship with a potential employer—I won the Nobel prize for literature, or I spent twelve years in a state prison—you’ll establish just such a label that will make it likely that additionally significant information could be discounted or ignored.

My suggestion is that you ensure you have shared memorable positive information early in the relationship that helps distract from the gorilla you’re about to have prance onto the scene. And make sure you share it in a way that is sticky for the interviewers.

In our book, Influencer, we have a chapter called Change How You Change Minds. Our key recommendation is that you master storytelling if you want to learn how to influence strongly held perceptions and move people to action. This principle works every bit as well in a hiring situation. Those who avoid spending time on the facts and figures of their lives and tell two or three compelling stories that communicate who they are as a unique and special human being are far more convincing.

So, come up with your “three people passing a basketball” that you’ll focus your prospect’s attention on. Identify two or three potent stories that introduce them meaningfully to what is special about you. Then let the gorilla walk on the scene and hope they’ll keep it in proportion.

Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

I am a recently divorced Dad. I have been trying to restore a civil and respectful relationship with my ex-wife, especially for our four wonderful children. However, she seems to respond to every effort with bitterness, sometimes in front of our young children. We both seem to be struggling to establish safety and mutual respect. How can I begin to rebuild safety and mutual respect with my ex-wife, when it is so hard to find and establish?

Divorced and Distressed Dad

 Dear Dad,

When I read your question, I did what I sometimes do when I get a question (like yours) that requires some specialized knowledge. I panicked.

Then I called my dear friends Elaine and Michael Shimberg, co-authors of The Complete Single Father—a terrific book that I highly recommend. Here’s their advice:

“It’s normal in the first months and years after a divorce for former spouses to react fearfully to each other as they try to establish a new sense of safety and mutual respect in the new arrangement. One of the best ways to begin building trust is to do all you can to gain agreement to one ground rule: ‘We will not disagree or show disrespect to the other in front of our children. We will protect them. Just as I am their father, you are their mother. We will respect those positions.’

“It seems his ex is still very angry. Whatever the situation was that caused his divorce, if he wants to have a better relationship he needs to apologize that things didn’t work (whether it was his fault or not), tell her their kids deserve a mother and father who can get along amicably, and that every time either criticizes the other in front of the kids, the kids take it as a criticism against half of them—whether consciously or unconsciously.

“Most divorcees don’t realize the direct effect criticizing their ex-spouse has on their kids. If he makes an agreement to her that he will not talk poorly about her in front of the kids (a concern that is probably fueling her fear) and communicate either by e-mail or in person about anything going on in their lives, it may help rebuild that trust and respect. However, if it doesn’t happen right off the bat, he needs to keep trying as it may take time to get her on board.”

I think this advice is right on target. For many, a divorce feels like a loud and clear message that, “I don’t respect you.” So it shouldn’t be a surprise that both parties can feel self-protective and defensive in the raw months after the traumatic separation—especially if they’re concerned their former partner is saying things to damage their children’s respect for them.

The physics of building—or rebuilding—trust is simple: Trust grows as we generate data that demonstrates trustworthiness. Trust will never exceed the cumulative data to date.

I love Elaine and Michael’s suggestion that you focus on one simple ground rule in your crucial conversation: We will never, never, never do anything that would undermine a child’s respect or loyalty to a parent. If you make that commitment unilaterally, then do your best to intentionally generate data that shows you are acting consistently with the agreement. Doing so will begin to help your ex-wife feel she does not need to go on a preemptive strike against you with the children.

For example, you may want to praise your wife in front of your children for any accommodating action she takes. If your children mention fun things they have done with your ex-wife, go out of your way to encourage them to show appreciation to her. These private actions will likely bubble up publicly at some point in a natural way and will help her know you are keeping your promise. Trust will grow. And she may feel safer laying down her sword and shield.

In addition, you need a remediation ground rule. Given the emotional sensitivity of these months and the increased physical and psychological distance between you and her, it is inevitable that some ambiguous event will occur that she will interpret as you criticizing her in front of the kids. The kids will say something or she’ll hear something from a mutual friend and conclude you’ve violated the agreement—even if you haven’t. Create an easy way to clear the air with her when this occurs or it will inevitably fester and obliterate the fragile trust you’re working so hard to establish.

I salute you for putting your children first and for being willing to take a first step in creating a livable and respectful situation for all.

Best wishes,
Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

I was recently involved in a crucial conversation with my husband and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of the anger and hurt I’m feeling. I have re-read parts of your book, and everything you say is reasonable, but I am still stuck. I know it may be silly, but I don’t see a path to resolution. How can I get over the hurt and anger I’m feeling towards my husband?

Signed,
Over But Not Forgotten

 Dear Not Forgotten,

Let me begin with a confession. I carried similar resentment toward a friend for a few years because I felt he had wronged me. When I spoke to him about it, he admitted he was wrong—which felt good to me, but I still felt badly about the harm he did me and when I saw him socially, I felt lingering hostility. I didn’t like looking him in the eye and felt critical of anything he said. When others would praise him, I felt irritated—like they didn’t understand who he really was.

Now I know your relationship with your husband is far closer and more consequential, but I hope this example suffices to teach a principle that has profoundly affected my life. Learning it has literally enhanced the quality of my relationships with most everyone I know and love, and has brought me greater peace than I ever had before.

If you’ll be patient, I’ll work up to this principle after sharing two other issues to consider in helping you feel resolved about this problem.

Did you raise the right issue? Often you can feel unresolved at the end of a crucial conversation if you didn’t get the right issue on the table. For example, you may have talked about your husband’s decision to make a risky loan to his brother without your consent. He may have apologized and you may have walked away unresolved because the real issue is you no longer trust him. That’s because it’s not the first time he violated promises he made about involving you in decision making. At this point, even his profuse apology does not restore trust. The real discussion should have been about the trust issue—and what provisions you would make to ensure such transgressions of trust would not happen again; or what changes you would make as he demonstrated over some reasonable period of time that he was worthy of your full trust.

Do you believe in the solution? Perhaps you discussed the right issue, but walked away realizing you committed to a solution you don’t believe will work. For example, if your husband simply promises to do better, and previous promises were broken, you probably fell short of a solution you can feel good about—which may make you feel less capable of forgiving and moving on.

Now, before I move to the big idea, I need to add an aside. Since I don’t know the details of what he did, I want to be exceedingly careful to point out that if your solution leaves you vulnerable to psychological or physical injury, the problem is not that you’re not forgiving him, it’s that you need a more aggressive solution—like reconsidering the entire relationship. In cases like this, the first order of business is probably not moving on, it’s moving out.

Is the real problem my inability to love flawed people? Okay, please forgive me for reiterating that last point one more time: If his weakness involves habits that lead to significant psychological suffering or any degree of physical harm then forgiveness is not the immediate issue—safety is. Do what you need to do to ensure your present and future safety now, and then worry about moving on psychologically.

But if his weakness—while not malignant—is still hurtful and you’re having a hard time feeling tenderness and forgiveness toward him, I’ll offer what to me is the central challenge of my life. I believe that the measure of my soul is my capacity to love imperfect people. I also have found that my inability to accept others’ weaknesses is usually caused by my unwillingness to acknowledge my own.

Let me give an example. I spoke with a woman years ago who had just held a crucial conversation with a colleague who had a disgusting habit. While she would talk with him, his eyes would drift up and down along her body in a way she found offensive. She held the conversation in a remarkably candid but also incredibly graceful way. I was stunned at her reserve and kindness with someone I thought was a complete lout. I asked her how she managed to suppress her disgust for him and she looked at me a bit askance. She said, “I guess it was easy because I didn’t feel disgust for him.”

“What?! After what he was doing? He deserved your derision—if not more!”

She then taught me something I have never forgotten. “Before I spoke with him I asked myself, ‘In what way am I just like him?’ It didn’t take long before I thought of a couple of ways that I had behaved inappropriately when I thought I could get away with it. As soon as I accepted that I was kind of like him, I felt more forgiving of his weakness. I wasn’t going to put up with it, but at least I could see that he was a human not a villain—a human kind of like me.”

I was blown away by this idea. And I have found that, when I embrace it, I find an increased capacity to love the imperfect people in my life.

I recently used this idea with the friend against whom I had harbored resentment. I found it repulsive to stop and think about weaknesses I had that were similar to his. I did not want to be like him. I did not want to acknowledge I was. But as I relaxed into the idea, the insight came immediately. I recognized, in fact, that some of the resentment I felt was probably self-disgust at my own deficiencies and that I was aiming that disgust at the wrong person.

He still has the weakness I was hurt by. And I love him. I see him as a reasonable, rational, decent person—at least in every sense in which I deserve that same description.

I sincerely hope at least one of these ideas helps you restore some of the intimacy you clearly want.

Sincerely,
Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

Soon after I read Change Anything, I created my change plan and was so happy when I was making progress pretty quickly. Then I went on vacation and lost track of my plan. It’s been discouraging to come home and feel like I have to start back at zero again. I have another vacation coming up this month. Do you have any suggestions for how to stick with my plan when I’m not in a “normal” mode?

Thank you,
Flux Happens

 Dear Flux,

You’ve put your finger on the number-one reason the wheels come off of most people’s change attempts. Something changes—and their plan doesn’t. You get sick. You change jobs. You move. You go on vacation.

The sad truth is that this is an entirely solvable problem, but since people don’t solve it before it happens, these circumstantial changes suck the unwitting changer back into the “Willpower Trap.” For example, you commit to improving your mind through regular reading. You knock down a couple of books and feel great about yourself. Then you go on vacation and lose the habit. When you get back, you’re so behind on work that you fail to pick up the previous change plan—and within days you feel like a mental slug. Now you’re not only not making progress, you’re deriding yourself for not having the gumption to stick with your previous plan. And since it’s a gumption problem you’re back to thinking the root cause is your withering will, rather than your insufficient plan.

Here are four tips to make sure this doesn’t happen to you:

Plan for change. I just moved into a new house with a fancy new heating and air conditioning system. When Todd, the HVAC expert, trained me on my new thermostats, he took special care to point out the vacation button. It’s a nifty feature that lets me explain to my air conditioner how long I’ll be away and what I want it to do differently when I’m gone. I can also tell it exactly when I return home so that it cools the house down just the way I want it an hour before I walk in the door. Successful changers have just this kind of button built into their plan. They think about all of the crucial moments they’ll face that could be their undoing, and they create a plan for exactly those moments. For example, if you’re working on a fitness goal, you might want to plan in advance for what you will do in case of illness. Or bad weather. Or extensive business travel. These “changes” are often predictable, so think in advance about how you need to adapt.

Right-size your results. The first thing you may want to adjust for these crucial moments is your aspiration. If, for example, you’re trying to read a book a week as part of your self-improvement plan, you may need to revise that goal when you are on vacation and allow yourself to read fewer books. This isn’t always the case, of course. For example, I actually exercise more consistently when I am traveling for business because I have fewer distractions when I’m not at home. However, if your crucial moments will make it harder for you to make progress toward the results you want, be realistic about that, and adjust your goals during these moments. It’s better to aim for 50 percent of the results and hit your goal than it is to aim for 100 percent and discourage yourself into giving up.

Create special vital behaviors. Sometimes, you need special responses to the special circumstances in the form of a new vital behavior. For example, a friend who is trying to lose some weight noticed that he had deviated from the “Starve a cold, feed a fever” adage. Instead he would “Feed a cold. Feed a fever. Feed a paper cut.” This wasn’t working. So he created a special vital behavior for sick days: Plan every meal and snack the day before. He says this helps him be mindful about his eating when he is idle rather than his default pattern of grazing whenever he feels like it.

Rethink the six sources. New circumstances often take you away from sources of influence you rely on or put you under the spell of new sources of influence. For example, if you’re going on vacation, you may not have access to a gym, an alarm clock, a running buddy, a computer, or other resources that help you stay on track. Or, you may be subject to powerful temptations like people who encourage you to misbehave, or even structural inducements—like twenty-four hour buffets on a cruise ship. Before you drop yourself into the middle of this influence maelstrom, do your best to anticipate what the new influence landscape will look like and develop your six source plan to offset it. For example, you may decide to choose your meal plan before you enter the dining room. Or, you could find someone on the ship with whom to exercise on the first day of the cruise.

The essence of Change Anything is that we need to learn to not just be “subjects” of the influences around us. We need to be the “scientists”—engaged, intentional learners who accept the fact that the six sources of influence WILL influence you—and all you can do is understand how and take steps to make them work in your favor. When stuff happens, you can bet the sources of influence have changed. The wisest thing to do is be attentive to the effect of these changes and proactively address them in your own best interests.

I hope these ideas help you turn bad days into good data. Setbacks are inevitable on the path to change, but surrender is entirely optional. If things aren’t working, the problem is not you, it’s the plan. Learn what you need to learn from your last vacation and the next one will go much more smoothly.

Best wishes,
Joseph

During the month of July, we will publish “best of” content. The following article was first published on January 27, 2010.

Dear Crucial Skills,

My husband and I have $40,000 in credit card debt. We’ve made all kinds of budgets and set all kinds of goals but still can’t get together on this. We fight about it a lot and it’s become a real source of conflict for us. We both want to get out of debt, but one bad deed keeps leading to another. How can we stick to our budget?

Signed,
Good Intentions

Dear Good Intentions,

I’m sure you’re not alone after a tough financial year—many of us have had to try to change our spending habits to help us weather everything from economic anxiety to a true financial famine. Fortunately, there’s a lot you can do to change your good intentions into good behavior.

First, I’d suggest you and your husband play a game together. Let’s call the game Name That Influence! The object of the game is to identify all the different sources of influence that are undermining your good intentions. You’ll be shocked at how long the list is. Here are three questions to help you generate some specific answers:

1. What visual images in your home get you thinking about spending rather than saving? (Hint: Do you longingly browse shopping pages on the internet? Do you have a Library of Congress-sized stack of catalogs by a comfortable reading chair?)
2. How do your interactions and conversations with friends or family affect your thoughts, plans, and actions toward spending? (Hint: Is shopping a social event?)
3. What sources of influence keep you from immediately counting the cost of your spending choices? (Hint: Do you buy with cash? Checks? Credit cards? Do you have “one-click” purchasing enabled on favorite Web sites?)

Set a goal with your husband to come up with at least a dozen different influences that both motivate and enable you to spend more than you should. Be honest with yourself and recognize your role in your current situation. As you do this, something very important will happen. You’ll realize the problem is not that the two of you are weak. The problem is that you are blind and outnumbered. You’re blind to the many sources of influence that are shaping your choices. And the one source working for you (your willpower) is hopelessly outnumbered by the sources working against you. (If you read our book Influencer: The Power to Change Anything, you’ll find you’re outnumbered 5 to 1. Not good odds!)

When you finish creating this list, your job is to change as many sources of influence as you can to support your good intentions. Dismantle those sources you know are encouraging your indulgence. Create positive influences that will keep saving top of mind, make it easier, and help you feel rewarded for following through.

For example, you could:

1. Make it a game. Create a progress chart for your savings goal. Keep it visible. Make a ritual of posting progress as a couple and generating the “completion endorphins” that come when you color in the next progress bar.

2. Banish temptation. Change your home page, delete tempting web pages, toss out magazines and catalogs or other “triggers” of spending impulses. Make no mistake—shopping generates dopamine in the same pleasure centers of the brain that cocaine does. You’re fighting a pleasure-driven habit and your best defense will be to minimize the temptations.

3. Make spending harder. Eliminate any structural enablers of mindless spending. For example, research shows people spend far less if they have to fork over cash than if they can simply slide a credit card through a slot. You might try carrying nothing but cash with you for six months. You’ll find this one physical change will profoundly affect your choices. You may also choose to undergo “plastic surgery” by cutting up your credit cards.

4. Change an accomplice into a friend. If shopping and spending are social activities, you’ll need to identify your accomplices. For example, if you and a girlfriend enjoy a regular outing at a mall, you’ll need to change that relationship. Eat some humble pie and let her know you are in desperate need of change. Ask for her help. If your husband is the accomplice, find a substitute activity you can do together. You won’t succeed by simply eliminating social activities; you’ll need to generate new ones. Our research shows that changing habits almost always involves engaging the help of at least two trusted friends.

These ideas may or may not be the right ones for you. But one thing I can promise you is that if you’ll examine your situation carefully, you’ll realize the problem is out there. There are myriad sources of influence working against you—and until you recognize and reverse them, you’ll continue behaving in a way you don’t want.

Best wishes for a prosperous, frugal, and fun year!

Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

I tend to procrastinate overwhelming work projects until the last minute and know this bad habit is keeping me from advancing in my career. I feel like I’ve tried everything, but nothing has helped. I don’t know how to change. Can you help me?

Habitual Procrastinator

Dear Procrastinator,

Funny you should ask. I’ve managed to put off writing my response to you for three weeks now! But I’m flying home from Chicago and our editor, Angela, is firmly but politely requesting I get off my rear—so here goes.

We recently found that procrastination is a pretty pervasive problem. In fact, it is one of the top three Career-Limiting Habits we identified in a recent study. For some, these habits have cost them pay or promotions. But even those who can’t count an absolute cost of the habit acknowledge they could have achieved significantly more in their career if it hadn’t been for this chronic weakness.

I fall into the category of people who can point to specific losses caused by procrastination. At age seventeen, a partner and I wrote one of the first accounting applications for the newly emerging microcomputer industry. It was an instant success with our immediate clients, and I knew that if I would invest time standardizing the software and creating high-quality documentation for it, we could make millions. I didn’t. And within a year, a competitor went to market in that uncontested space and cashed in. Live and learn, eh?

But the good news is I’ve discovered a few simple sources of influence that have a remarkable effect on my energy, focus, and productivity in these crucial moments. I also got an enormous number of responses on our Crucial Skills blog and on Facebook from clever readers who have found their own ways to kick this habit.

Without further delay, here are some ideas:

Make It Motivating.

• Make it a game. Even noxious tasks become engaging when we give them the characteristics of a game: focus, time limit, and a scoreboard. When I sit down to work, I make my scoreboard. I write down the number of things I want to get done before I relax. I limit my list to the number of things I can reasonably accomplish. It’s remarkable how motivating it is to check things off my list. Several readers actually use a timer. I think that’s a great idea to increase the “game” sense of focus, and to link the experience to a promise of reward.
• Repeat motivating statements. A couple of readers keep motivating statements at hand that help them reframe the decision they’re making in their crucial moment. Suzy said, “My favorite procrastination advice is, ‘If you have to eat a frog today, do it first. If you have to eat three frogs today, eat the biggest one first.’” Donald added, “I put this note on my PC: ‘Production Before Perfection’ to remind myself to create something even if it is imperfect and then focus on perfection.”

Build Skills.

• Read a book. Lots of people have found useful tools in books that help them increase and focus their mental energy more effectively. Some favorites were The NOW Habit by Neil Fiore, The Procrastination Equation by Piers Steel, and Getting Things Done by David Allen.
• Treat productivity like a skill. Pick a small amount of time to focus your attention, then stop. Brett said, “Here’s a mantra I’ve found very effective at battling my own tendency to procrastinate. It’s four simple words: Make progress every day. Once I get started on something, even if it’s with the mental goal of saying ‘I’m only going to do this one thing for fifteen minutes’, it often leads to more. When it doesn’t, at least I have the satisfaction that I did indeed make some progress that day.”

Get Support.

• Find a friend. Barb shared an experience where she learned from a friend: “You can learn to overcome [procrastination] by pairing with someone who has a different style. My boss, the ultimate procrastinator, and I worked together for many years. We made a great team. Instead of being a thorn in one another’s side, we used one another as a means of support and a sense of balance in how we approached our work. He knew he could count on me to develop a quick plan and start executing. I learned there are advantages to letting some things percolate so you don’t have to retrace old ground as projects often get redirected midstream.”
• Set boundaries with others. One reader recommended setting aside time to deal with problems: “A large part of managing yourself is managing who is allowed to interrupt you and when. One of the techniques I now employ is a ‘problem hour.’ As e-mails, phone calls, or other issues interrupt me, I push them to my problem hour. If the issues arise after my problem hour, it’s assigned to the next day’s problem hour.”

Reward Yourself.

• Plan fun. Cecelia uses rewards to motivate herself: “My two favorite ways to deal with procrastination balance short- and long-term rewards. Sometimes going to my home office to work feels like being sent to my room. To change that mindset, I focus on how much better life is going to be once the task I’d rather avoid is over.”
• Pick a treat. Erin rewards herself by taking a break: “Dedicate an hour to a difficult task and then reward yourself by going to get a Starbucks coffee, or by having a chat with a coworker as a break.”

Structure for Success.
Lots of readers used structural tricks to help make productivity easier. In fact, you’ll recognize lots of structural ideas even in the other sources of influence I listed above. Here are some favorites:

• Break it down. Divide big things into manageable amounts, then decide what manageable part you will accomplish next. Jim shares this story: “My mother died eight years ago and I received forty boxes of stuff to sort through. Three months ago, I started filing or discarding one box a week.” Thinking about one box is motivating. Forty is overwhelming.
• Leave some fun for next time. One trick I use with writing tasks is to never stop until I am on a roll. I make sure that, when I pause my writing, I know what I want to write next—so getting restarted will be easier. If, on the other hand, I finish a complete idea, I’ll have to start next time with the painful experience of figuring out what is next. Pause your work at a place that makes restarting feel motivating.
• Make an appointment with yourself. Erin also recommends you “Schedule slots of time into your schedule similar to a meeting time. Then make sure that time is dedicated only to the task. Schedule the most unwanted tasks first thing. By the afternoon, you are out of energy and more likely to procrastinate.”
• Build fences. Create an environment where you won’t be distracted. For example, turn off e-mail notifications, put your phone where you can’t see or hear it, close your door, and put in earphones. Some people even use software that shuts down internet access to help reduce wandering impulses.

Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to do everything on this list at once—just pick an idea or two, experiment with it, and act like a scientist examining your own behavior as you see what makes you feel more motivated and productive.

It’s worked miracles for me. I never made millions on microcomputer software—but I finished this column!

Thank you to everyone who shared suggestions. If you have any other ideas you’d like to share, please post them on the blog.

Best wishes,
Joseph