ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ron McMillan is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

How can I apply my newfound crucial conversations skills to an uncomfortable issue in my marriage?

After fifteen years together, four of them as a legally married couple, I’d like to start a family but I can’t get my husband to talk about it. I’m almost thirty-three years old and I would like to have this conversation sooner rather than later for obvious reasons!

To complicate matters, my husband knows I attended a Crucial Conversations trainer certification workshop last year, and may resist having my skills forced on him.

Mommy Dreams

It sounds like you are facing an undiscussable—an issue that, like an exposed nerve, sets off a strong negative reaction when touched. Every time the subject is mentioned, the conversation turns contentious and ends in an icy silence or an angry fight. Over time, this becomes a topic we can’t discuss without bad feelings and we conclude, “It’s better to let a sleeping dog lie.”

Without really intending to, we’ve created an undiscussable. We find its better to keep the peace and endure the occasional irritation than have yet another blow-up. We lose hope that it will ever get resolved. We live with uncomfortable silence and sometimes pain.

To effectively dialogue, you must make it safe for the other person to talk with you. Resolving undiscussables requires an extra portion of safety, because, almost by definition, undiscussables are created by a lack of safety which pushes participants into silence and violence. It takes a lot of safety to initially engage in an undiscussable and even more safety to see it through to completion.

You want to have children together but can’t get your husband to talk about it. This undiscussable is not a peripheral family issue, it is a core issue. This lies at the heart of who you are as a family, your joint aspirations, and the quality of life you will enjoy. To let this undiscussable fester without resolution will be to undermine your marriage and family.

Build safety. Safety is created by two essential conditions: mutual purpose and mutual respect. Start deconstructing this undiscussable by demonstrating respect. Rather than blind-siding your husband by bringing up the subject during his favorite ball game, ask to set a time to talk with him that’s mutually convenient. “Honey, I would like to talk with you about an important subject and I want to pick a time that we won’t be disturbed for about an hour, a time we can focus on each other and not be distracted. Would tonight after dinner work for you?” This courtesy helps to build mutual respect.

Set expectations. When you actually begin the conversation, set some expectations and guidelines that will help maintain the respect you show each other and continue to build safety. “Thank you for clearing time for our talk,” you say without sarcasm. “My goal is not to make a decision tonight. I just want to fully understand how you feel and help you understand how I feel, as well. Can I make one request? Let’s agree that neither of us will leave until we’re both done, until we both feel heard. Is that okay?”

If he’s impatient and interrupts with something like, “What’s this about? What is it you want to talk about?” Try, “I’m not trying to be dramatic, it’s just that before we talk, I want to agree on some guidelines for our discussion. Is that okay?”

Establish mutual purpose. Help to establish mutual purpose by telling him what you really want. “I love you so much and I want us to always be together. I don’t want anything to strain our relationship. I want to understand how you feel and I want you to understand how I feel.” Having re-enforced respect and mutual purpose, share with him what you are thinking and how you are feeling about inviting children into your family.

Don’t judge. A few no-no’s: Don’t attribute motive to him; don’t judge him based on a standard in your head, and don’t make threats or ultimatums. A bad example: “You are so irresponsible and lazy. That’s why you don’t want children. You don’t care one bit about me or what I want. Well, Peter Pan, it’s time to choose . . . ” Rather, keep thinking back to what you really want: to respectfully and lovingly share your thoughts and feelings and deeply understand his. You don’t want to shame, manipulate, pressure, or trick him. You want this dialogue to be honest, open, and loving.

If the dialogue takes a hurtful turn—if he becomes silent and/or gets upset or if you feel the same—go into a listening mode: inquire, paraphrase, reflect, prime. Don’t push your point. Demonstrate your understanding of his meaning.

Take a break. If the dialogue breaks down, if feelings become too raw, or if he doesn’t want to continue, show respect. To continue at this point could be to cross the line into controlling or disrespectful behaviors. Call for a strategic withdrawal.

First, suggest a break. “This is proving to be a tough issue for us. Why don’t we take a break for now?” Second, thank him. “Thank you for being willing to talk this over with me. I appreciate your sharing and listening.” Third, establish the next step and time frame. “Why don’t we take some time and put some thought into this and see if we can get clear about what having children would mean to us and our life together. Then how about this weekend we do a picnic and see how we’re feeling?”

Sometimes taking a break can help us collect our thoughts, process what we’ve experienced, and help us restore our emotional batteries. The danger becomes that in disengaging we are “putting off” our dialogue or cementing the subject as an undiscussable. The key comes in respectfully agreeing to take a break from the topic and agreeing when you will continue the conversation.

The title of our book, Crucial Conversations is plural. This conversation with your husband about having children might not be the resolution of the issue, but rather, the beginning of several conversations—each one expanding the pool of shared meaning, each one building respect, mutual purpose, and safety. Over time, feelings and ideas can change, options can surface, and a crisis of disagreement can form the foundation for a stronger love and a family that has learned how to work through the toughest of issues.

All the very best,
Ron

During the month of July, we will publish “best of” content. The following article was first published on January 6, 2010

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ron McMillan is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

One of my coworkers has refused to communicate with me in any way for more than a year, but I don’t know what I did to offend her. I spoke to the office manager and my immediate supervisor regarding the situation, but they told me I should not confront her. Now it is very difficult to go to work each day because several of my coworkers ignore me and exclude me from meetings, lunch invitations, and more. What should I do?

Ignored

Dear Ignored,

Iced out. The silent treatment. The cold shoulder. Brrrrrrrrrrrr.

This is the extreme form of going to silence and is a common strategy we use in dealing with each other. Not only have most of us experienced the silent treatment, but most of us have also used this strategy to protect ourselves or manipulate others into trying to get what we want.

Many of us have experienced first-hand the awful consequences of yelling, screaming, and even physical violence. As a result, we have vowed not to allow violence to be part of our repertoire. When we encounter a crucial conversation, we eschew violence and engage in silence, believing that we are choosing a more virtuous path. Unfortunately, when we do this, we are fooling ourselves.

Silence is a hurtful strategy. At best, by avoiding a subject and making it an “undiscussable,” we assure problems will not be resolved and will likely fester or get worse. Giving someone the silent treatment can also convey a painful message: you are not worth the effort it takes to talk with you. You are worthless. This message—whether intentional or not—can be devastating and play upon a person’s deepest fears.

The situation you describe at work seems beyond petty and is certainly dysfunctional. The fact that the silent treatment you are receiving extends beyond a single coworker suggests a conspiracy and is more than working through a single relationship. In especially tough situations, our tendency can be to see ourselves as victims of the situation and of others. We also tend to assume that we have no options. Overcome this victim story by asking yourself, “What can I do right now to move toward what I really want?” The answer to this question is “the rest of the story” that you are not considering. By considering other perspectives you can escape any victim stories you may be telling yourself.

What can you do? You have at least three options:

1. If you don’t like your current situation, change it.
2. If you can’t change your situation, remove yourself from it.
3. If the cost of removing yourself from the situation is too high, decide how you can cope with it in a healthy, helpful way.

If you decide to work on changing the situation, I recommend you hold a crucial conversation with your supervisor and office manager. You initially involved them, but their solution is not working so you should return to them. Factually describe the gap between what is happening and what you would expect to happen in an efficient, effective work team. Share the consequences of your coworkers’ behavior on productivity and quality of work, on others on the team, and on yourself. Ask for your leaders’ help in changing the situation. It might require a team meeting where you have a crucial conversation with your coworkers. In this meeting, talk openly about what is happening. Identify the behaviors you see and ask your coworkers why they are behaving in this manner.

Have you said or done something that caused problems or offense? Be open. Listen. Honestly diagnose the cause. Share the consequences as you see them. Seek resolution and agreement as to how you will all interact going forward.

If you cannot get a satisfactory resolution, can you transfer to another work unit? Can you leave this job and go to a more healthy work environment? If so, begin planning your exit.

If this option is too drastic or does not provide a better situation, how can you cope with an unhealthy situation in a healthy way? Can you see this as a long-term influence effort where you will continue to seek mutual purpose and be unconditionally respectful to others, with the intent to help, not hurt? Can you see their silence as their problem and continue to do your job in a satisfying manner? Can you continue to grow in your job and career and find fulfillment even if your coworkers don’t invite you to lunch? Can you be happy and healthy in the short-term, even as you develop long-term solutions to the current situation?

Intentionally avoiding tough conversations and “freezing” others out is dysfunctional; it hurts relationships and team results. Do not accept such a situation as a “given.” You do not control others, but you do control your response to others. Choose to be an influencer. Influence for the better—both others and yourself.

All the best,
Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ron McMillan is coauthor of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. His fourth book, Change Anything, was recently published.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

My in-laws live six hours away, but frequently visit and stay at my home. They have a wonderful relationship with my three young children, but I’m worried because they bring their dog, and in the last year, the dog has started nipping at my kids. Although my husband and I told them in no uncertain terms that the dog is not to be near the children, we found out that my father-in-law sneaks the dog out when we’re not looking. This rule was ignored and the dog recently bit the hand of my oldest child and drew blood.

We recently visited family, and because the dog was around multiple children, I told the mothers that the dog bites and everyone was beyond angry that my father-in-law kept letting the dog out. He knows how we feel, yet refuses to put the safety of his own grandchildren over the coddling of his dog! It has created an extremely tense environment and is affecting our relationships. We have tried asking nicely, stating directly, and are on the verge of an ultimatum. What should we do now?

Signed,
Mother Lion

In a situation where we are weighing Dad’s convenience and preference against the safety of children, it’s time for a crucial confrontation. You said you tried “asking nicely” and “stating directly” but your father-in-law continues to sneak the dog out when you are not looking. Your father-in-law is likely seeing this conflict in terms of his “sweet little dog that wouldn’t hurt a fly” and is “practically a member of the family” against some “nervous Nelly” moms who are over-protective. He thinks his little allowance in letting the dog out to play with the kids is a minor infraction that doesn’t matter all that much.

He is obviously discounting your collective wishes and ignoring your fears; he is minimizing the importance of your concerns. The way you motivate others to give your concerns more weight is by helping them understand the consequences that could result from a given course of action. Natural consequences are those that will naturally result without any imposition on your part. In this case, even a misplaced nip from a small dog could result in blindness to a child or life-long scarring.

Imposed consequences are consequences you enforce if others do not comply with your requests. Such a consequence is that you will call animal control. However, I don’t recommend using this consequence. It’s best to talk about natural consequences first.

Talking through the consequences should motivate Dad to consider your concerns. If you don’t get compliance with natural consequences, then carefully consider whether to move to imposed consequences. Damaging the relationship is a real possibility. However, when dealing with danger to your children, Dad’s compliance with your standards may be more important to you than sparing his feelings.

I will assume you shared consequences in your earlier conversations. If Dad still misbehaves, what do you do next?

Verbal persuasion has failed to change Dad’s behavior; the children’s safety is paramount. It’s time to impose consequences. Be respectful! Emphasize that you want to continue the relationship with Dad but not the dog. Begin by factually reviewing how you arrived at this point. Try something like this:

“Dad, we’ve talked to you several times about our concerns with having your dog around your grandchildren. Yet the dog continues to get out, and last time you visited, he bit Jeremy’s hand. Dad, we want you to visit. Your visits with us and our visits to your place are very important to us, but to make them work we have to arrange for the dog to go to a kennel or find a dog sitter. We can help arrange one here or you can find one near your home, but we will not let the dog come to our home or visit your home if the dog is there.”

Use contrasting to prevent misunderstandings. “We don’t want you to shorten your visits or make them less frequent. We love you and your visits. We do want you to make other arrangements so the dog is not present during our visit.”

Listen to your father-in-law’s feelings and concerns, then brainstorm workable solutions. Don’t jeopardize your children’s safety with an unrealistic compromise.

Now, follow through. Be prepared to pack up if the dog is there when you arrive at Dad’s. Be prepared to not let the dog in your house if he accompanies Dad on a visit. Reaffirm your love for Dad and your resolve to protect your children, even if the cost is Dad’s hurt feelings.

Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ron McMillan is coauthor of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. His fourth book, Change Anything, will be available April 2011.

READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I recently worked on a very complex and emotional employee issue. I strongly believed the employee needed to be fired—and that was the ultimate outcome—but the employee’s manager and vice president strongly disagreed with me. I stand by my decision, but greatly regret how I bullied my way through our shared experience. I behaved like a bulldozer, insisted on my decision being accepted, and actually lost my temper.

Fortunately, I have many years of work experience with these peers and our work relationship has not suffered, but I want to repair the damage and I want to learn from this experience so I don’t ever repeat this behavior. I’m not accustomed to losing my cool so I don’t know how to make it right. Where do I start?

Bulldozer

In ongoing relationships, it’s so much easier to let bygones be bygones and let our mistakes and interpersonal problems pass away. You are wise to avoid this easier course. Strong reactions often change our view of others, especially when those reactions are unusual. Your coworkers might be creating stories about you in their minds that could undermine your relationship with them.

You mentioned you are not accustomed to losing your cool. Over time, we get used to the behavior of those we interact with. We come to understand how we each operate and learn what to expect of each other. When someone acts “out of character” or in an unexpected way, we have to rethink our view of the other person to accommodate the unexpected behavior. This is when new stories are created—for better or for worse.

For example, let’s say I’m having a bad day. My alarm clock didn’t go off, I dropped my toast on the floor butter side down, and on top of all this, someone cut me off in traffic. I’m grumpy, so in our team meeting, I’m curt with Jeff, I roll my eyes at Sally, and I angrily tell Sanja his proposal is stupid. This is unusual behavior on my part. I’m usually a nice guy.

Because this behavior is out of the ordinary, people take notice. Jeff thinks, “Aaaaaaah, a chink in his armor. I knew he wasn’t perfect. He has big weaknesses and I’m going to report them on his 360 degree survey.” Sally thinks, “He pretends to be nice, but now the real Ron comes out. He’s been hiding it this whole time. Now we see the real, mean Ron revealed.” Meanwhile, Sanja says, “Hmmmm, Ron’s acting weird today. He’s usually so nice. He must be having a bad day.” Sanja quickly forgets and forgives my bad behavior.

Seeing me behave in an unusual way puts my coworkers on alert. They try to make sense of this and tell themselves stories, which in turn affect how they feel and how they will treat me in the future. My strong reaction is an occasion for people to recreate their stories about me; it also provides an opportunity for me to help shape these stories.

Sincerely apologize. You are wise not to let this incident become an undiscussable and let confusion form their stories of you. I suggest you begin with a sincere apology. There might be an advantage to talking with both the manager and vice president together, given that they were both involved. If they hear the same thing from you at the same time, this could also strengthen your accountability to them.

Such an apology might sound like this: “Thank you for meeting with me. I want to talk with the two of you about the situation with Todd. As I’ve thought through what happened, I realize I lost my temper. I insisted on my decision and even bullied both of you—behaving more like a bulldozer than a teammate. I’m very sorry; I shouldn’t have treated you that way.”

If you have a reasonably good relationship with someone, and then slip up, a sincere apology usually acts as a reset button. You get to start over. If, however, you are in a damaged, troubled relationship, a simple apology may be seen as insincere and maybe even manipulative. You need to avoid this possibility by stating your intent then consistently behaving as you promised.

It seems you have a good relationship with your coworkers because you said your relationship “has not suffered,” so let’s assume they receive your apology as sincere. Now is the time to set new expectations so the story they tell themselves is that your “bullying” was an exception, not the new rule.

Share your good intentions. “After a good deal of reflection, I stand by my decision to fire Todd, but I realize the way I went about it was wrong. I desire to be collaborative and listen completely to both of you as well as to others. Going forward, let me tell you what you can expect from me. I will not push my point of view at your expense. I will not bulldoze or bully and will instead seek a healthy dialogue. I will seek a deep understanding of your point of view and will share mine respectfully. If I slip from this resolve, please help me by reminding me of this commitment and I’ll quickly return to dialogue.”

These simple skills, sincerely used, can dramatically reframe relationships. Of course, now the hard work begins. It’s not critical that you are perfect every day in every way; but it is crucial that others see your efforts to keep your word. When you mess up, apologize in the moment (reset) and start over. This way, others will see that you value your efforts to keep your word more than you value saving face or looking good. Leaders and friends make sacrifices for what they truly value. When you sacrifice your ego to the value of keeping your word, trust and respect result.

All the best,
Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

My husband’s parents are divorced. His dad didn’t talk to him or my sister-in-law for years and only began showing interest in them after my sister-in-law had kids. Even though my husband has tried to build a relationship with his dad, he often feels he is treated poorly or ignored.

For example, his dad and stepmom planned their family summer vacation the same week as my family’s annual visit—even after they agreed not to schedule conflicting vacations. His dad gave a few seemingly meaningless reasons for scheduling their vacation the same week as my family’s, but my sister-in-law told us the real reason was her dad wanted my husband to pick his family over mine. How do I approach this situation, knowing that if we don’t discuss it, it will continue to happen? Do I talk to my husband’s family about how hurt we are, or let my husband fight his own family battles?

Worried Wife

  Dear Worried,

Some of my happiest, most joyous moments are the result of loving family relationships. Ironically, the greatest pain of my life, without exception, is the result of a ruptured family relationship.

Family relationships, including extended family and in-laws, are complex; they carry historical baggage and have especially tender sensitivities. I believe of all the crucial conversations we face, those involving family are the most important and frequently the most difficult.

The approach I suggest begins with a tried and true question: “What do you really want?” You and your husband should each answer this question for yourselves, and then agree on one answer. The answer is not as obvious as “Well, he’s family so I guess we have to. . .” Some family relationships are emotionally toxic, and the best answer to what you really want could be to have no relationship at all. Other possible answers are conditional. For example, “I do not want any relationship with my father-in-law until he sobers up.”

Understanding what you really want is the first step in deciding how to proceed and what should follow.

In your question, you state that your husband has tried to build a relationship and that you are both hurt by your father-in-law’s actions, so I will assume you both want a better relationship with your father-in-law.

The next step is to master your stories. You mention that your father-in-law didn’t talk to your husband or his sister for several years; that your husband feels poorly treated or ignored; and you wonder if you should “let him fight his own family battles,” or if you should do it on his behalf.

With this information, most of us would be inclined to tell a marvelous villain story about your father-in-law. How horrible that he ignored his son and daughter for years, and now intentionally schedules his family vacation at a time that will force his son to choose which family he loves most. This iteration of the story definitely depicts the deeds of a villain and certainly would require fighting a battle to deal with them.

However, if what you really want is to build a closer, better relationship you ought to look for a way to build a bridge.

Is there any good news in your story of events that could hint at your father-in-law’s intentions? He stopped ignoring his children after his grandchildren were born. Could this indicate his desire to have a relationship? Apparently, he invited you and your husband to his family vacation. That seems to show some initiative toward building a relationship. All in all, there is some evidence he wants a relationship with the two of you. Maybe his motives are not entirely evil and selfish. Maybe he has some good intentions but is using a lousy strategy to achieve them. Testing his son’s love or loyalty by forcing him to choose between family vacations is a very poor strategy. It almost seems like he is insecure in the relationship and would like reassurance that the interest is mutual (good intention, lousy strategy).

Now, by exploring some alternative interpretations of the facts in your story we can escape the certainty of our villain story and replace it with a question story. In so doing, the story changes from “my father-in-law is a villain and we must do battle” to “I’m not sure why he’s doing what he’s doing; maybe we should talk with him.” As your story changes, so will your emotions. Righteous indignation and upset becomes curiosity and concern. These are the feelings you should carry into a crucial conversation.

Note that it would also be a lousy strategy to simply assume others have “a good heart” and excuse their hurtful behavior. All that does is empower and encourage their weaknesses and assure the bad behavior continues. Rather, we want to improve relationships by clarifying good intentions and improving the way we treat each other.

Since both you and your husband want a good relationship with your father-in-law and you want him to have a good relationship with both of you, make sure you are both involved in this crucial conversation.

Start by sitting down together. Share your good intentions by saying something like, “We were so excited to get your invitation to the family vacation. We want to spend more time with you. We want a close relationship with you and vacation time together would be a good way to do it.”

Next, describe the gap between what you want and what you’ll do. “Unfortunately, my family’s vacation is scheduled the same week and we will have to miss yours because we had previously committed to attend theirs.”

This beginning helps your father-in-law see that your desire is to attend his get together, you want a better relationship, and you will attend your family’s gathering—not because you love him less, but because you made a previous commitment. Having established your good intention and respectfully suggested a mutual purpose (a closer relationship), you have gone a long way toward making it safe for him to engage in a problem-solving conversation.

Check to see if your story is correct by saying, “When you scheduled the family vacation for the same week as my family’s vacation, especially after we had talked about it, we were puzzled. It almost seems as if you were intentionally causing us to choose you over them, or that you didn’t want us to come to yours. Is that what happened, or are we missing something?”

Now listen and seek to understand his view. Compare perceptions and assumptions and work together to create a new set of expectations and understandings.

By being open and honest when discussing problems, deceit and manipulations are exposed and don’t work. Essentially, by naming the game, you don’t have to play it. In addition, by tentatively and respectfully sharing what you think might be happening, you give the other person a chance to respond and clarify. They are also put on notice that any “games” or manipulations they might be tempted to use in the future will be exposed and discussed.

The mutual purpose of wanting a good relationship brings you together. The honest, open, respectful communication reveals your good intention, solves problems, and adds discipline to the relationship going forward.

I hope you find these ideas helpful in building bridges rather than going to battle.

Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I need help with an ongoing issue. My manager is very negative and nothing ever seems to be good enough for him. He doesn’t think anyone can “exceed expectations” in a performance review and gives me a very mediocre review whereas past managers gave stellar reviews. I try to discuss this issue with him, but he is intimidating and loves to argue. I fear for my job. What do I do with this type of “leadership”?

Fighting Negativity

I had an advanced placement English teacher in High School who was, I’m convinced, a frustrated University professor stuck in the only teaching job he could get. The first day of class he explained that he held “the highest standards of scholarship” and would only give an A grade for A work. He proudly announced that in the last three years none of his students had ever earned an A.

This was fine by me. I pulled in all B’s without doing much homework and was betting on a wrestling scholarship, but this did not sit well with some of the serious scholars who were trying to maintain their straight A run. They got their parents involved, who had several meetings with the teacher and the principal and eventually the school district officers. School officials ruled the teacher was using a ten step grading system instead of a twelve step—having for all practical purposes eliminated A’s and A-’s. He was told to use the bell curve and told how many A’s to issue in each class of twenty students.

Performance review systems and rating and ranking systems are tough enough to understand and to administer. When you complicate the process with a boss who doesn’t follow protocol then it can be nearly impossible to receive fair evaluations.

Now, it could be that, like the school teacher, your boss doesn’t believe in high ratings and has impossible standards. But, there are also other possibilities. It could be your boss isn’t sure what would constitute a job well done, but will “know it when he sees it.” Another possibility is that the boss has a clear picture of what he wants, but has not seen you deliver it.

What these possibilities have in common is that you are left without clear expectations as to what you can do to earn a high rating.

I believe, at a minimum, all leaders owe those they lead a clear understanding of what is expected of them and how they will be evaluated. Without clear expectations and the ability to accomplish them, bosses are just playing a game called “Guess what I want?” This is manipulation and is both dysfunctional and hurtful. It’s certainly not leadership.

I would suggest your first efforts to improve your relationship with your boss should be to clarify expectations. It is reasonable to request that he explain what he wants you to do and how you will be evaluated.

Start by creating mutual purpose. Do this by sharing your aspirations. For example, you might say, “Mr. Vague, I want to talk with you about my performance in the coming quarter. My goal is to do an excellent job, achieve the desired results, and help you and the team succeed. I also want to earn an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating in my next performance review.”

This beginning statement clarifies your desires and assures him that your purposes and his are mutual—at least around the success of the team. This will also create safety and reduce defensiveness.

Next, ask for what you need to succeed. “In order to do this, I would like you to help me understand what exactly I need to do in order to make an excellent contribution and earn an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating.”

If your boss has in mind what he wants you to do, this approach will invite him to share it with you. If your boss doesn’t know exactly what he wants you to do in order to earn an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating, then your questions could help him think it through.

Ask questions which clarify and encourage specific detail. Such questions could include, “Is there something you’d like me to do more of? Is there something you’d like me to do less of? Is there something I’m not doing that I should start doing? Is there something I’m currently doing that I should stop doing?”

Ask questions that help to quantify your job. Ask about deadlines. Ask about results. Ask about components. For example, if the boss wants you to prepare a report, you might ask “Would you like my report to cover A, B, and C? Will it be helpful to send the report to you weekly? Would it help to have a paragraph that summarizes the data or would you prefer to have several pages of raw data? Would you like a section on analysis? Would you like a section on recommendations? Would you like a section on options?”

By asking clarifying questions you help draw out some of the details and specifics you need in order to know how your boss defines a job well done.

If your boss is not sure what he wants but believes he’ll recognize it when he sees it, then request more frequent accountability. For example, “Could we meet once a week and review my progress? That way, you can help me make course corrections so I meet your expectations.”

More frequent accountability will enable you to make quick course corrections and to check the boss’s satisfaction levels before it’s too late to recover.

These are some strategies for creating a greater understanding and clarity for both you and your boss.

It might also be helpful to include feedback, evaluations, and ratings from key stakeholders who receive the output of your work. In this way you escape the my opinion vs. your opinion argument and can present the boss with ongoing data showing that others are pleased with your work. This will demonstrate the high quality of your work.

The final step should be an effort to get your boss’s commitment to the plan and might sound like this: “If I accomplish the things we’ve discussed by the end of the quarter, would I then receive an ‘exceeds expectations’ rating?” If his answer is wishy-washy, then you need more dialogue to define and clarify expectations. If the answer is “Yes,” then you are set. Do your very best work, make your very best effort, and check with your boss regularly to see if any mid-course corrections are needed.

In the worst case, such as dealing with a boss who refuses to be satisfied or begrudges his direct reports for their successes (perhaps he was weaned on dill pickles and can’t help himself), and after trying some of these strategies without success, it may be time to escalate the evaluation of your performance up the chain of command, or involve Human Resources. Know that this would be a last-ditch effort and would severely damage your relationship with your boss. Sometimes, however, this is the only way to fairly document your good work and receive a fair performance evaluation.

Short of using this nuclear option, if you make it safe for your boss to have a performance conversation with you and help him to clarify and express his thinking, you should be able to reach agreement about what constitutes good performance and good ratings.

I wish you the best in creating clear expectations with your boss. Don’t be reluctant, you are after all, merely helping him perform the minimum requirement of a good leader.

Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I thought I was ready to become a supervisor in my company so I applied and was given the job. However, after two and a half years in my job, I am discovering that I am either not ready, or I feel so unsupported by my supervisor that I am now unwilling to continue in this position. Either way, I want to step down from my position gracefully and return to my old position while maintaining a strong relationship with my supervisor. Do you have any advice?

Stepping Down

Dear Stepping,

The corporate ladder and the designated career paths in most companies are usually well known and everyone understands that success is defined as a vertical climb. Having risen to the rank of supervisor, you have decided to step down from your position. I congratulate you for having the intelligence and good sense to recognize what you really want and the courage to pursue it. Good for you.

Now that you have decided to take that step, you ask how you can do it gracefully. You are wise to think this step through before acting. Because you are moving against the grain, management could easily misunderstand your reasons for stepping down. They might assume you lack loyalty to the company or that you are not grateful for the trust they have shown in you by promoting you. They could question your commitment to doing a good job. Most likely none of these stories are based on your performance; rather they are formed by the surprise of you going against expectations.

The conversation you have with your immediate supervisor and any other relevant managers is a crucial one. There’s a skill I recommend you use that clarifies your motives and thinking while reducing defensiveness in others. It’s simply called Share your Good Intentions.

To use this skill, state your decision to step down, your reasons, and your intention going forward. You might say to your immediate boss, “I’ve decided not to continue in my position as a supervisor. I’ve worked very hard over the last two and a half years to do a good job, and I realize that I like being a producer, not a supervisor. I am committed to the success of the company and our team, and I want to add value. Going forward I believe I would do that best as a producer.”

This skill makes it clear that even though you don’t want to continue as a supervisor you have good will toward the company and the team and you will work to contribute in your new position. This helps to dispel any false stories or assumptions managers might otherwise be tempted to conclude.

Next, depending on your boss’s questions, you may need to explain your reasons in greater detail and help to plan the transition. Be sure to not leave your boss or your company in the lurch. Be flexible and willing to help in the change.

When you are open and clear about your decision and express your good intentions, others are less likely to misunderstand and your transition is likely to be both efficient and graceful.

All the best,
Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

I have one brother, whom everyone loves dearly. He is the guy with the golden tongue—a natural charmer who gets out of many conversations that, to me, are crucial. He is not one to put family first—his priority is looking good and charming whoever may be around him. As a result, I become the younger sister who is left to pick up the pieces and bear the brunt of his unreliable ways. When I confront him, he makes me feel like I have overreacted and I end up feeling bad about bringing it up. How do you have crucial conversations with those who are so good at words? Please help me face this golden tongue.

Fed Up Little Sister

You describe your brother as a “natural charmer” who does not put family first and leaves you to “bear the brunt of his unreliable ways.” It’s hard to confront someone who is fun and flaky. Everyone wants to have fun; everyone loves a charmer who makes things fun. Relationships are easy when we avoid uncomfortable problems. But a relationship characterized by charm over character and style over substance is like a beautiful shade tree with shallow roots. Everything is fine in good weather, but it only takes a mild storm to topple the tree.

Shallow and superficial relationships might suffice in social settings, but family relationships—relationships that should be loving, nurturing, supportive, and enduring—require work. In order to make a family work, you have to be responsible and hold each other accountable. If you choose to do less, you undermine your family relationships.

So, how do you begin this crucial conversation with your brother? To minimize his defensiveness, factually describe the gap between what occurred and what you expected, then ask why. For example, you might say, “Phil, when we were together at Thanksgiving, you told us you would call and arrange for a snow removal service for Mom. After talking with Mom, I realized you didn’t make the arrangements.” Next ask a diagnostic question: “Why?”

Let’s suppose he responds by trying to make you feel bad for bringing it up. He says, “You know I do a lot for this family and I don’t appreciate you nagging me and making such a big deal of such a little thing.” Clearly, this is a manipulation. Your brother assumes that if he can get you on the defensive, you’ll feel you’re the bad guy for bringing it up and you’ll back off.

Don’t give up or give in. Doing so only rewards him for being irresponsible and manipulative and undermines your relationship with him. That’s not serving you, your mother, or your brother.

This is a good time to use a contrasting statement to share your good intentions. “Phil, I am very appreciative of the good things you do for the family and I don’t mean to nag you. I also don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill. I do want to solve the problem of how we get things done in our family and I want us to be able to count on each other. I don’t want to quarrel, nor ignore important issues. Do you see it differently?” By sharing your intention, you clarify your motives, treat your brother respectfully, and suggest a mutual purpose.

If your brother responds that the snow eventually got cleared and missing the call was no big deal, you could share the consequences of him not following through. “Phil, when you didn’t make arrangements to have the snow cleared, Mom was snowbound. When she couldn’t reach you, she called me, and I had to cancel an important meeting and spend an afternoon on the phone.” Confronting him with the consequences of failing to keep his commitments can create the motivation on his part to do better in the future.

At this point the conversation is not over; you may have to share other consequences, check out your own story, or have a conversation about the relationship between the two of you. However, with this simple beginning of describing the gap, sharing your good intentions, and explaining consequences, you have established new expectations.

Over time, don’t let his failure to fulfill his commitments pass without confronting him. Use these skills to address bad behavior and stay focused on the problem, rather than allow him to talk around the problem or charm his way out of being accountable.

If you persistently and consistently confront his bad behavior, he’ll quickly realize his old ways don’t work. He will come to understand that when he is flaky, you’ll call him on it. This could be the key to helping him change. It will improve your feelings and quality of life, and perhaps strengthen your entire family.

All the best,
Ron

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

My husband and I are friends with a couple who is experiencing financial difficulty related to a job loss. When they confided in us that they would be moving out of their rented home and looking for a small one-bedroom apartment, we told them they could live rent-free in our home for six months.

Since then, we have seen their poor money management and given them budgeting software, but they continue to spend without focus. I recently asked if they were caught up and able to start saving, but they were evasive and only said “almost.” My husband is reluctant to tell them how to manage their money but I feel like unless they get their act together, they will not be able to get out of debt. They desperately need financial counseling. What do I do?

Feeling Stuck

 Dear Stuck,

I applaud you and your husband for your caring outreach to a couple in need. They’re lucky to have such kind and good friends. It appears the struggle with their finances is continuing in spite of your kindness and willingness to help.

Some of the most painful relationship problems I have personally wrestled with are those where a friend or loved one is unwilling to make the changes needed to keep from hurting or destroying themselves.

When we see loved ones struggling with severe problems, whether it’s a vile drug addiction or rudderless wandering after dropping out of college, we eventually have to recognize that we can’t force our opinions, actions, or experiences on others. They are free to live their life as they choose.

That being the case, you do need to make a critical decision whether to disengage from your friend’s problem and hope they take corrective action soon, or to initiate an effort to help them solve their problem. You should not allow the current living situation to continue. To allow them to continue to stay rent free beyond the agreed upon six months would only empower their weakness and contribute to their problem.

I encourage you to have a crucial conversation that might go something like this, “Friends, we invited you to live rent free in our home for six months and I want to remind you that there are three months remaining to make other arrangements.” This statement clarifies your expectations and will help to make sure they don’t assume the deadline will be extended.

Next, offer to be a resource with an invitation, “We have given you budgeting software and would be happy to help you set it up or to give you any advice and suggestions. We would also be willing to suggest a financial advisor who could consult with you regarding your situation.”

If they take you up on your invitation to help, be clear about what you’re willing to do. At this point, you must balance your desire to be of assistance with the dangers of enabling their problem with money management to continue. Decide in advance what your limits are. Are you willing to give them money? Are you willing to loan them money? Are you willing to extend their stay? Once you have determined your course of action, make your offer to help part of your problem-solving conversation.

If they don’t accept your invitation to help, move to action by deciding who does what by when. “If you change your mind, let us know. Also, could we meet the first of next month? At that time, can you tell us what your plans are going forward?” This will create clear accountability and firm up mutual expectations.

The key to effective problem-solving is to make sure you follow up. Holding them accountable to your agreement becomes the mechanism to help them solve their problem while also making sure their problem doesn’t become your problem.

When we are dealing with friends and family, we often want to help in the worst way. Sadly, we often choose the worst way to help. We protect others from the natural consequences of their actions. For example, we offer money when their money management skills are the problem. These enabling actions only ensure that their problems will continue.

Helping in productive ways and holding others accountable to agreements is the best foundation for needed life changes. Have the courage to be a friend and not an accomplice.

All the best,
Ron

If you’ve overcome financial failure, we’d like to hear from you. Please share your experience with us in this three-minute survey.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
READ MORE

Dear Crucial Skills,

When I recently assumed my current job, I “inherited” an employee who has a long history of bad behavior such as being rude, stirring up trouble, and refusing to work with coworkers as a team player. How do I confront this person when the whole department has played into his behavior for years?

Inherited Employee

 Dear Inherited,

“Inheriting” an employee with a history of bad behavior is a concern for any leader. I strongly recommend your first conversation with this employee not be a “shake-down” or a “you’d better be careful cuz I’m watching you!” speech. Rather, you ought to extend a sincere handshake followed by friendly introductions.

The next step is orienting your employees to your leadership style and expectations. Even before exploring specific duties or concerns, explain the operating values and principles of your team and your expectations of team members. It’s best if this is a collaborative process involving the entire team, but at a minimum, everyone needs to be clear about the team values and operating principles. Explain that employees are not only responsible to produce results but are also responsible to produce results in a way that strengthens the team in the process. Give specific examples of what is acceptable behavior and what is out of bounds. This kind of orientation with your team sets clear expectations and gives everyone a chance for a new start—independent from past patterns and personality conflicts.

Your next leader-role with the team is teacher and coach. This requires gathering data through contact and observation, especially with the employee you have concerns about. Over the next few days, catch the employee, in the moment, doing things right. Acknowledge when his behavior approximates an important team value or principle and thank him. For example, you might say:

“Hey, Brent, I noticed in the team meeting when Alice asked for ideas about her project, you gave several helpful suggestions. That is a great example of our team value of collaboration. Your input helped Alice and helped to build a stronger team. Thank you.”

Similarly, when you see behavior that violates the team’s values, confront it as soon as is reasonably possible. Do this by first describing the gap by factually detailing what happened compared with what is expected. Next, ask why it happened this way. You could say:

“Brent, I noticed that when Jerry presented his proposal, you said his plan was ‘idiotic’ and asked him if he had ever heard of ‘professional standards’ before. One of our team principles is to treat each other with respect. Your comment was clearly disrespectful. Why did you say that?”

If he responds that he didn’t realize his comment was disrespectful, take the opportunity to define more precisely what is meant by the value of respect.

If he replies that it’s no big deal, then you have the opportunity to teach consequences and make the invisible visible. It could be that one reason for his past friction with employees is that no one helped him understand the negative, natural consequences his behavior had on others.

If he replies that he knows he shouldn’t do that, but can’t help himself, it becomes an opportunity to teach him the skills to start with heart or master his stories.

After each conversation, move to action. Get a clear and specific commitment from him about who will do what by when, and then follow-up on that commitment.

Clear expectations, as well as frequent and immediate praise and confrontation, are your best chance to help someone work well with others in a new setting.

Of course, this approach requires patience and persistence, and you must always give people the opportunity and the help they may need to improve. However, if over time, he does not comply and his poor behavior continues, make sure he understands that following the team principles and values is not a suggestion, it’s a requirement of his job.

At this point, it’s time to move from helping him understand the natural consequences of bad behavior to the consequences you will impose on him if he doesn’t comply. Clarify that the consequences of not working within the team standards are the steps of discipline identified by the organization, even including termination. Make sure he understands that failure to comply with your requirements around teamwork will result in you applying the steps of discipline. Moving this far is very serious and will most likely damage your working relationship with him, but at some point, his failure to abide by the team’s standards is a detriment both to the results you’re after as a leader and your other team members’ quality of life. Choosing what’s best for the team is more important than trying to preserve a troubled relationship.

My experience has been that this approach helps most employees—even those with a history of bad behavior—to improve their behavior and relationships with others. It also improves the team’s results. Please keep in mind this approach does not guarantee the changes in others you desire; it’s not a way of controlling others; it’s not a trick for manipulating others. This is a way to respectfully help individuals choose to be successful. Ultimately, it’s the individual’s choice whether or not to be a part of the enterprise you lead, and that’s as it should be.

All the Best,
Ron