Dear Crucial Skills,

I recently had an argument with someone at work because I misunderstood what she was saying to me and I said some things in return that I regret. I took your course but the skills went away from me when my emotions kicked in. Now, even though we have met with the clinical coordinator and everything seems to be ironed out, she is very cool toward me. I have apologized and even sent her a card, but I feel I truly blew it and now I’m unsure we’ll ever get back to where we were. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do to help bridge the gap?

Still Embarrassed

 Dear Still Embarrassed,

We all make mistakes in our communication with others. The wise among us recognize the error and apologize to the offended person. You, having said things you regret, have taken these steps. You even went the extra mile and sent a card to apologize. Well done.

These actions are all within our control. What are not in our control are the other person’s feelings and response. Others get to decide how they’ll respond to your efforts to set things right. Sometimes they’ll forgive you and move on. Sometimes they decide to hold a grudge. Sometimes they feel hurt and may discount your apology as insincere, or they take it as sincere but steel themselves against you, wondering when it will happen again.

I wonder if the latter is the case with your coworker. Maybe she sees your efforts to be kind and respectful, but is looking, waiting, and wondering when you will lash out again.

In cases like this, consider a metaphor. Your efforts to be respectful and treat your coworker well are like pebbles. Water is like distrust or unease. You drop pebbles into the water hoping they will pile up, build mass, and rise above the water so that your respect and good intentions become the focus and substance of your relationship instead of the distrust. However, your pebbles seem to sink out of sight, making no appreciable difference. The key to changing this situation is to create a new context for your relationship, a way to capture the pebbles and make them count.

Let me share an illustration. As I finished a Crucial Conversations workshop, a middle-aged man approached me. He thanked me for the workshop and said he was the single parent of three teenagers. He had tried to apply the things I had advocated with his children, by consciously and consistently attempting to build trust and respect with them over the last year—but, it wasn’t working. They still distrusted him. He said they were “gun-shy” of him.

I asked him if something specific had happened a year ago. He became emotional and explained that he had come home drunk and “slapped his kids around.” He said that when he woke the next morning and realized what he had done, he was mortified and wanted to die. He vowed to stop drinking and has not touched alcohol since. Over the last year, he has been on his best behavior with his children, not slipping once, but they are still emotionally distant.

I asked him what had happened between him and his children the morning after the hurtful incident. He explained that he sat down with his children and told them how sorry he was for hurting them and asked for their forgiveness. Nothing else was said and every kindness he has offered since, although appreciated, was no more than a pebble sinking in the pond.

For this father, I believe his heart is right and his children are aware of his kindnesses toward them, but they seem to be on guard and wary. Rather than seeing his awful behavior as a once-in-a-life-time mistake, they may fear they got a glimpse into their Father’s real feelings and that he may erupt again at any time.

Picture how the situation would have been different if the morning after the incident, the father had gathered his children and given a heart-felt apology, asked for their forgiveness, then said, “I want you to know as of this moment, I will never drink alcohol again. Never. And I will never raise my hand against you. I will never strike you or hit you. I love you and you can count on my promise.”

Whether or not the children believed him at that moment, he would have created a context for their relationship, a clear set of expectations they could use to hold him accountable. From that moment forward, every sober day would be evidence that Dad was keeping his word. The context Dad created was like a jar of water. Every time Dad kept his word it was like putting a pebble in the jar. Instead of sinking away, it’s captured in the jar and displaces some of the water. Over time, the jar fills with respect and good intentions and empties of distrust and unease.

Even now, it’s not too late for this Father to create a new context for his relationships. This is done by setting clear expectations going forward, and informing his kids of what they can expect from him. Dad could meet with his children, reference what happened a year ago, detail the things he has done to make sure it never happened again—including his having given up alcohol. He could then create clear expectations going forward. “I will never drink again. I will never hit you. If I’m angry, I’ll do what I did during this past year: I’ll talk it through with you. I love you and will keep my promise to you.” If he sets these expectations, even though it’s a year late, the children will not only start putting pebbles in the jar, they may even retrieve some from their memories, and the jar will be filled quickly and their trust restored.

Now, your offense was nowhere near the severity of the Dad in this story; however, the principle still applies. I would encourage you to build a context for your relationship with your coworker. Sit down with her and begin by stating the facts: “Two weeks ago, I yelled at you and called you a ‘yellow-bellied sap-sucker’” (or whatever you really said). “I also apologized to you and sent you a card asking for your forgiveness.”

Having stated the facts, express what you really want for the relationship: “I hope we can have a professional, respectful, warm relationship going forward.”

Next, create the accountability. “In the future, you can expect that I will work hard at being respectful and professional.” You don’t need to obtain a commitment in kind from her; you just need to keep your commitment. In this way, you’ve given her the jar, and maybe because of the way you’ve handled it, she’s already put several pebbles in.

I wish you the very best in your efforts to build good, strong, effective relationships.

Ron

Dear Crucial Skills,

My husband and our daughter fight a lot but when I try to diffuse the situation they often get angry at me, and as a result I resort to silence. Their most recent fight started with a simple request from my husband for our daughter to put the dog food in the garage and ended with them yelling at each other and my daughter going to her room yelling “I hate you, I’m moving out!”

After reading Crucial Conversations I decided to listen and evaluate their conversations. I learned they both go to violence and they both have the same goal—unfortunately, their common goal is to win the argument! Their relationship is getting worse all the time and I want to help them learn to communicate but I don’t know how.

Caught in the Middle

  Dear Caught,

You are in a difficult position. You are the third party in a relationship with two people who badly mishandle their crucial conversations with each other. Your choice of reactions include: going against them and setting up a three-way gunfight; joining one and ganging up on the other; refusing to participate and walking away; or trying to change the way they interact. The last option is the best choice, but it’s also the most difficult.

Family therapists and professional facilitators spend years learning and conducting real-time mediations to help other people improve communication, but even with years of experience they do so with mixed results. Getting your family to agree to have you facilitate their crucial conversations would be tough enough; actually facilitating the conversations would be even harder.

Perhaps the best way to help your family is to have individual crucial conversations with your husband and your daughter about how they conduct themselves in their crucial conversations. Your role then is not to facilitate their conversations; rather, your role is to help them improve their conversations.

The key to holding effective crucial conversations is to create mutual purpose and mutual respect. These two conditions make it safe to dialogue about tough things.

First, have a conversation with your husband. Begin by sharing the facts with him. For example, you might say, “I noticed when you spoke with Jennifer yesterday about putting the dog food in the garage, you both got very angry and it turned into a fight.”

By sharing the facts and avoiding accusations, you minimize his defensiveness. You also introduce the subject of your conversation with your husband without placing blame.

Let’s say your husband (we’ll call him Larry) gets defensive and responds with, “It wasn’t my fault that it turned into a fight, it’s Jennifer’s lousy attitude that’s the problem.”

Make it safe for Larry by sharing your good intentions and clarifying your purpose. “Larry, I’m not blaming you or suggesting it’s your fault. I just want to figure out how to solve problems in a way that improves relationships in our family.” This skill, called “sharing your good intentions,” discloses what your motives are and identifies your purposes. It also helps your husband see that this conversation is not an attack.

Perhaps Larry responds with silence. Check to see if your purpose is mutual.

“What I want is for problems to be solved—like Jennifer putting the dog food where it belongs—in a way that is respectful. I want her to feel you respect her and I also want her to treat you with respect. Is that what you want too?”

This purpose is likely one that he shares and desires also, in which case, you’ve successfully established mutual purpose.

If you sense your husband is reluctant to try a different approach, share with him the consequences you believe will result if things don’t change.

“Larry, if things don’t improve between you and Jennifer, I’m afraid there will be serious damage to your relationship that could last well into the future. She is getting to the age where she will be making some big decisions and leaving home. I’m worried that a strained relationship might push her away and make her hesitant to confide in us. That will make it difficult for us to be of help to her at this important time.”

If these consequences help him come around then you might move to getting his commitment. If he’s still resisting, you might share a consequence that shows him how this problem affects you. “When you fight with Jennifer, it really hurts me. I love you both and it scares me to see you attacking each other. I feel like our family is breaking apart and it causes me great pain.”

When he expresses a willingness to make things better, it is time to decide who does what by when. What exactly do you want him to do? Do you want him to apologize to Jennifer? Do you want them to sit down and discuss their relationship? Maybe you want him to start with baby steps. “Larry, I want your commitment that you’ll see your relationship with Jennifer as a higher priority than putting away the dog food. That doesn’t mean you let things slide, it just means you will handle things with her in a calm, respectful way. Do I have your promise?”

For someone who is reasonably good at interpersonal relationships, this dialogue may be sufficient for Larry to do things differently. If Larry is less skilled, you may need to factually and accurately describe some of the words and phrases he uses that are disrespectful. Give specific feedback on his behaviors and suggest replacement behaviors or skills that will help him improve.

After getting his agreement to do a better job, suggest a time and date to follow up and talk over how things are going.

After successfully navigating this crucial conversation with your husband, have the same conversation with your daughter.

Conversations with family members about their behavior are tough conversations to hold, but holding them and holding them well is crucial to the well-being of you and your family.

All the best,
Ron

Dear Crucial Skills,

I’ve been with the same company for twenty-five plus years. It is a good company. We have had three “workforce reductions” in the past six years. I feel another one coming. I am fifty and therefore vested. However, at fifty-five, my early retirement pay would go up. Even though I have always received the highest reviews, I still feel that I could be next. How do I approach management about this? In the past, supervisors and managers have said that they have no input into who gets let go. I do not believe this. Is there anyone in management that I should approach about securing my future? And how should that dialogue go?

Sincerely,
Worried in Texas

Dear Worried,

It sounds like your concerns about possible “workforce reductions” are justified because you have seen three of them in your company already. You are right to not let this subject become an “undiscussable.” Certainly if you don’t talk it out, you will act it out, and the possibility of being let go will affect your performance, your interactions, and your emotional well-being. You feel another layoff coming and definitely should talk to your management about this. Your question becomes, “How?”

Choose which manager to talk with by following your chain of command. Go first to your boss; then, if your boss isn’t able to answer your questions, request a conversation with his or her boss. You don’t want to create new problems by appearing to bypass your boss or by “ambushing” a senior leader.

Okay, so what do you say to your boss?

Let’s start by identifying what you don’t do. Don’t make accusations: “This company doesn’t care about its older workers!” Don’t start with an “I” statement of emotion: “I feel so betrayed!” These statements are sure to create defensiveness and take the conversation away from effective dialogue. Rather, begin your dialogue by stating the facts. For example: “We’ve had three workforce reductions in the last six years. I’ve noticed that each reduction is preceded by a fall in revenues, profits, and market share. The last three quarters have been trending down in each of these metrics. Even though I have consistently received high reviews, past managers have told me they have no input as to who stays and who is let go.”

By beginning with the facts, you minimize defensiveness and begin on common ground. People tend to agree on the facts, so they decrease the likelihood of an argument. By stating the facts, you also help your boss understand the reasons for your opinions.

Next, tentatively share your stories. In a way that shows you are open to consideration, share the assumptions and conclusions you are drawing based on your set of facts. The meaning we create from our experiences and data are our stories. Don’t dress up your opinions as facts. Take responsibility for the subjective nature of your conclusions and make room for other points of view. For example: “I’m beginning to think another workforce reduction is likely if not inevitable, and that my good performance will not protect me. I’m also wondering if my age makes me more vulnerable.”

Having stated your facts and shared your stories, you should ask the questions that are on your mind. Doing so invites others to disclose their knowledge and opinions and allows you to test your data and assumptions. Could you be mistaken? Is your data accurate and complete? Is there another way to interpret the facts? For example: “Is management planning another workforce reduction? Do my high reviews offer me any protection? Do you have input into these types of decisions? Does my age make me vulnerable? Help me understand what’s likely to happen.” Your next step is to listen well and ask clarifying questions.

This approach does not guarantee you’ll get the whole truth about what’s going on. Factors like management policy and corporate strategy still exist. However, this approach does dramatically increase the likelihood that your boss will dialogue with you and not get defensive or think ill of you. Crucial conversations skills are not methods of controlling or manipulating others. These skills do help to open up crucial subjects so you and others can talk about and revisit these issues as developments occur without great discomfort or unease.

By following this approach you might gain insights that will confirm or disconfirm your concerns and suspicions, enabling you to choose your response based on more accurate information and conclusions.

All the best in your crucial conversations,
Ron

Dear Crucial Skills,

I am writing to request a little verification about feelings. In a previous column, Ron suggested that one way to phrase the interpretation of what happened was as follows: “I felt insulted, disrespected, and falsely accused.”

My question is this: Feeling insulted or disrespected is creating a story of the speaker’s intentions, right? They are not feelings, but rather thoughts. I am wondering if the interpretation would rather be “I consider the words you chose to be insulting and disrespectful.” I am really interested in your thoughts about this topic.

Thanks,
Thinking Feelings

Dear Thinking Feelings,

What a great question!

Let me begin with a description of the skill you are referring to. When sharing meaning with others—especially when there’s a high likelihood of a defensive or emotional response—it’s best to state the facts first.

Don’t begin with an accusation: “You liar!” In our research, we found that beginning a crucial conversation with an accusation creates defensiveness (duh). Don’t begin with an “I” statement of emotion: “I am so disappointed in you.” That creates as much defensiveness as an accusation. Rather, begin by factually reporting what occurred—report behavior, details, and numbers. Do not begin with assumptions, conclusions, or judgments. For example: “In the meeting, you said that my team didn’t pull its weight on the last project.” It is a fact that the other person made that comment. Because facts are verifiable, observable, and measurable, they tend to create understanding and agreement.

After stating the facts, tell your story. Based on these facts, what are your tentative conclusions? How are you interpreting these facts? What do you think they mean? These conclusions, assumptions, and attributions are your stories. They are your creation. Many different stories could be created using the same set of facts. By sharing your story, you are enlarging the meaning available to others. You are disclosing how you regard the facts, as well as the meaning you’ve created. If relevant, share the feelings you have about your story. Certainly your feelings are relevant if the relationship is an important element of the issue being discussed. If you are discussing a tough issue with your spouse, emotions are not only relevant, they are important for your spouse to know. However, if you are discussing the best solution to a technical problem with your teammates at work, discussions of emotions are most likely inappropriate and unnecessary.

After tentatively stating the facts and telling your story, ask others how they see it. Now it’s your turn to listen. Your goal is to create dialogue and to expand the pool of shared meaning. By sharing your facts and stories, and asking for theirs, a lot of meaning is revealed in an efficient and effective way.

Back to your question. In my previous column, I suggested to the reader that she begin her crucial conversation by stating the facts. I next recommended that she say “I felt insulted, disrespected, and falsely accused” as a way of telling her story. In this example I used the language of emotion (“I felt….”) to tell my story. In this case, feelings are relevant because the crucial conversation is about the relationship between coworkers and a boss, and specifically about respect and fairness.

In my recommendation, I used shorthand to combine a statement about both the stories and emotions. Upon reflection, I think this is probably a lazy strategy. I agree with your observation. Your suggestion would improve my recommendation. You recommended saying “I consider the words you chose to be insulting and disrespectful!” This statement reports her story as a conclusion, not an emotion. She could stop there and ask her boss if that was the intention; or, another option would be to also report her feelings. “I feel angry and frustrated” then ask for their point of view: “Do you see it differently?” Or ask “Is this what you intended?”

All in all, good catch. You improved on my suggestion. I vow in future columns I will not stoop to lazy, short-hand phrases if you promise to keep thinking deeply about what you’re reading and send me your thoughts and questions.

Best,
Ron

The following article was first published on August 31, 2005.

Dear Crucial Skills,

I suspect one of my direct reports (my assistant) has an issue with me that she is unwilling or unable to address. To my face she is pleasant and appears content. I have clearly expressed my desire for open communication and she has acknowledged that she feels comfortable coming to me with any concerns. However, in an exit interview, one of her coworkers told me that this employee “feels oppressed” by me. Another of her coworkers has referenced “communication problems” between us.

My gut tells me she is sharing her concerns with others, but not me, yet I have nothing tangible to reference with her. I don’t want to seem paranoid or have a conversation that is so vague it has no impact. I’d be more inclined to just let it go if it weren’t for the fact that I believe others are getting a negative perspective on me.

Thanks,
Wondering

Dear Wondering,
I’ve long believed the most useless employee idea is the one you never hear—and likewise, the most hurtful customer complaint is the one that’s never shared. If you’re not aware of the problem, it’s tough to solve it. Now, in your case, you’ve got some clues that there is a problem, yet you have been unable to get direct understanding from your assistant. Apparently, she’s gone silent with you on this issue.

I find it helpful to think of this as a safety problem; because your assistant doesn’t feel safe, she doesn’t want to share. It’s not content that keeps people from talking openly. It’s perceived lack of safety. With enough safety you can share almost anything with almost anyone. The way to solve this issue with your assistant is to make it safe enough for her to share how she views the situation. Here are a few ideas.

First of all, think about what it is you really want here. This is a relationship problem. The first conversation you need to hold is not about whatever topic she’s holding back, it’s about how you work together. You not only want to identify and solve a communication problem, you want to do it in a way that builds a safe, effective relationship going forward. You want a relationship that’s open, a relationship where you can both talk about what’s working and what’s not—and where you can work together on making things better. Keep these goals in mind as you move forward, and they will help you stay on track in creating safety.

In order to build safety into this conversation, begin by sharing your good intentions. You might explain your reason for having this conversation. For example, “I want to talk to you about our working relationship—how it’s going, and how it can be improved.”

I also think it would show respect and be a nice touch to ask your assistant’s permission to have this conversation–again adding to the safety. Ask by saying something like, “Would that be alright?” If she says yes, proceed. If she says no, ask why not.

Now you want to share the issue you’re concerned about–you want to get your meaning into the shared pool. Start with the facts you have collected: “In an exit interview, your coworker shared with me that you feel oppressed by me, and another coworker referenced communication problems between us.” Then you can tentatively tell your story: “I’m wondering if I’m doing something that makes it hard to work with me and that makes it hard to talk to me about it.” And finally, ask for her perspective: “What’s going on? Please help me understand.”

And then—really listen. Honestly invite her to share and sincerely show your interest in what she’s saying. You achieve this by staying calm and professional as she shares her concerns. Don’t be defensive—that would likely reinforce the story she’s already telling about why she can’t bring things up. Often, actively listening will create a strong sense of mutual purpose and respect, and people will feel safe enough to open up.

If your assistant still does not want to talk about it, exercise your best judgment as to when to stop the conversation. At some point, to continue pressing is to cross the line into disrespect. If you decide to disengage, leave her with an invitation: “I would like to better understand how you feel about our working relationship, and would like to hear any ideas you have about how I can be more effective. Would it be alright with you if we revisit this issue another time?”

Keep in mind that for some issues, you will have to work on mutual purpose and respect consistently over time before you can build enough safety for others to be willing to open up.

As an additional note, if you suspect that the problem is more widespread than a single direct report, you might consider a simple tool to gather feedback, such as an anonymous survey. Often, if people can give you feedback in writing anonymously, they will be honest and direct. Try a short paragraph describing the feedback you want, such as, “I would like to collect feedback on my leadership style. Will you help me? Please identify the things I am doing well that I should CONTINUE doing, the things I am not doing well that I should STOP doing, the things I am not doing that I should START doing, and the things I am doing but should MODIFY. Do not attach your name. All responses will be collected and compiled by [a third party, perhaps an administrative assistant].”

This becomes a quick and efficient way of ascertaining whether or not there is a widespread problem that needs your attention. Be sure to thank your team for their time and thoughts and share with them some of the things you’re going to do to improve. Ask them for their support in making these changes and make sure you do not try to identify individual comments or be punitive in any way. As you target the things you need to change and as they see you making improvements, you will be creating a safer social climate in your team—making it easier for people to be honest with you in the future.

I wish you all the best in your most crucial confrontations.

Ron

The following article was first published on June 1, 2005.

Dear Crucial Skills,

What if you are not dealing with a reasonable, rational, and decent person? Is this possible or do you genuinely believe that each person with whom we interact fits this description?

I look forward to your comments.

All the best,
Skeptical

Dear Skeptical,

The “fundamental attribution error” is the automatic assumption we often make that the other person’s motives are bad. This can happen when someone says or does something we think is harmful or threatening. We immediately attribute bad motive–we tell a villain story: “they are evil or selfish; they do bad things because they enjoy it.”

To keep from making the fundamental attribution error, we recommend challenging your story with questions. One such question is “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way?”

Posing the question is NOT making an assumption that all people are reasonable, rational, and decent; rather, posing the question IS an effort to consider other possibilities. This question helps us explore other assumptions and not automatically assume that the worst story we can come up with is the only one we should consider. When we replace our certainty that the other person is bad and wrong with the recognition that we don’t know why the person did what he or she did, our emotion changes from anger and frustration to curiosity and maybe even concern.

Now, instead of being pushed by our anger into silence or violence, we’re much more likely, in a condition of curiosity, to ask questions and engage in dialogue. As we talk over the problem and gather more information, we’re in a better position to ascertain the other person’s motive and intent.

If we find out that our initial impulse was mistaken (the other person’s motives are not hurtful), we’re in a good position to solve problems together. However, if we discover that their motives are hurtful toward us—perhaps they’re political or personal—instead of being trapped in a fight-or-flight reflex with our brain turned off by hot emotion, our mind is active and engaged and we’re in a better position to decide what to do about this potential enemy. All options ranging from ending the relationship and disengaging to escalating the problem up the chain of command are available to us.

Mastering your stories is NOT a positive mental attitude technique that assumes that everyone’s motives are good. It IS a set of skills that keep us from assuming that all people’s motives are bad and hurtful. All in all, this increases the probability of us getting what we really want.

Best Wishes,
Ron

The following article was first published on July 14, 2004.

Dear Crucial Skills,

What do you do when you don’t know for sure what the problem is? All you know is that there is a problem between you and another person and it has never been good from the beginning. It isn’t like there is anything major that has happened; it’s just that there is tension in the air and neither of you can open up with the other. Every conversation is guarded and there is a lot of fake smiling and handshaking going on.

How can I get past this behavior and figure out what’s going on when the other person doesn’t seem to want to communicate at all?

Signed,
Left Wondering

Dear Wondering,

The key to unlocking this mystery is the condition called “safety.” When I don’t feel safe enough with someone to openly express my concerns or check out some of my fears, I start telling myself stories: “I don’t think she likes me,” or, “I wonder if he’s judging me,” or, “They think I’m stupid.” These are just three of the infinite number of stories, questions, or judgments that I could be coming up with about the other person—or vice versa. These stories create emotions ranging from concern and discomfort to anger and deep frustration. And of course if I don’t talk out or check out these stories, I will act them out in perhaps slight and subtle behaviors that could signal to the other person that I’m “guarded” or “uneasy.” This in turn could set off a new round of stories on his or her part that leads to feelings and actions that confirm I was right in suspecting a problem in the first place.

To put an end to this downward spiral, you need to make it safe for the other person to share concerns he or she might have but be afraid to bring up. Do this in the following ways:

1. Start with Heart. Ask yourself what you really want this relationship to be.

2. Master My Stories. Ask yourself why a reasonable, rational, and decent person would act the way the other person is acting (Hint: maybe he/she is just acting out his or her stories too). Remind yourself that there may be understandable reasons for the behavior.

3. Begin a crucial conversation at the “relationship level” by asking for permission. For example:
“Hey, Sarah, I wonder if I could talk with you about how we’re working together. Would that be alright with you? Is now a good time?”

Then tentatively share your own observations:

“It seems like when you and I get together it feels a bit awkward. I’ve noticed that I have a hard time feeling relaxed and being completely open. I feel somewhat guarded and I’m not even sure why. Have you felt this too, or is it just me?”

4. You may want to share your “Start with Heart” aspiration:

“I would like us to have a working relationship where we both feel comfortable talking with each other and where we can both be open. What kind of relationship makes most sense to you?”

5. Finally, be sure to be open to hearing the other person’s thoughts. Share your concerns in a tone that says “I sincerely want to resolve this issue and want to hear what it is that may be bothering you.” Don’t accuse. Then, use your best listening skills. Do your best to hear everything he or she may be concerned about.
By approaching the situation in this way, you are exploring a mutual purpose, being respectful, and thus building safety. This does not guarantee that you’ll get the outcome you desire, but it dramatically increases the likelihood that the issues will be disclosed and can then be worked out.

Best wishes in all your crucial conversations,
Ron

Dear Crucial Skills,

A friend has an office director with a clear cut drinking problem. The drinking has, at times, interfered with the director’s ability to carry out his work to his full potential. The problem is also becoming apparent to people in the field. This frustrates and worries the office staff. My friend does not report directly to the director; there is an intermediate boss. Who, if anyone, should confront the office director? And how?

Signed,

Just Wondering

Dear Wondering,

This is a tough situation. Let me see if I can offer some broad guidance—keeping your friend’s vulnerability in mind. If I were speaking to your friend, here’s the advice I would give:

First, because of the chain of command, I would recommend that your friend have a crucial conversation with his or her own boss or an HR professional. Often an organization will train HR professionals in how to deal with this sort of situation, and all you will need to do is provide the facts. Then the situation is out of your hands. However, if you’re in a smaller organization, you may have to pursue the course a little further.

In approaching this initial conversation, it’s important to first separate facts from stories—don’t assume the director has a drinking problem; don’t make judgments. Rather, identify the specific behaviors that are problematic and the outcomes that are hurtful (I don’t have any of the actual facts, so please allow me to invent some for the sake of example): “On our last major project, the director was unable to come in on several mornings, and my team missed an important deadline. This has happened four times in the last three months—typically on Monday mornings. On several other occasions, the director has returned from lunch disoriented, with the smell of liquor on his breath.”

Once you’ve shared your facts, it is then appropriate to tentatively share your story and ask for the other person’s input (“Several people have brought up these same issues, and we’re starting to suspect a serious drinking problem—which is making our work less effective. I’m wondering if we can address the issue and find a way to resolve it. What are your thoughts?”). If your boss or the HR professional agrees, now the conversation should be about how he or she should confront the director. If he or she disagrees, or refuses to confront the director, you should consider whether or not you should request a meeting with the director. I would encourage you to answer the questions “What do I really want?” and “How can I create safety for the director?”

The person speaking to the director should start with a mutual purpose in mind—one that would help him understand why he’d want to have this conversation. You could begin with, “I wonder if I could talk to you about some things I’ve observed that are undermining your effectiveness?” The director should be interested if someone is aware of a barrier to his success. You could also reinforce mutual purpose with a statement declaring intent: “My reason for talking with you is to be of help. I’m not trying to tell you what to do or be disloyal.”

The conversation should then start the same way the first conversation began—with the facts. Start with a description of the problem and try to clarify why it is a problem. Focus on the director’s behavior and the natural consequences of his behavior that he would care about; for example, how is it affecting major stakeholders, including customers, coworkers, etc.?

The biggest problem in this situation is whether or not the director will acknowledge a drinking problem that is affecting his work. Perhaps speaking up will help him see that his problem is not hidden; but if it doesn’t, the only solution is to escalate the problem to those the director reports to.

If you take this step, make sure you are very familiar with the organization’s processes for remediation of tough problems like this—and make sure you are safeguarding your own career and interests as you do so.

As I said, this is a tough situation; however, I think these ideas will increase the probability of success for the individual and for the organization.

Best wishes,

Ron

Dear Crucial Skills,

I’m a cofounder of a company that recently brought in a new CEO, who I don’t know well. I want to talk to the CEO about taking an executive role in the company and obtaining his mentorship. My problem is that I feel very strongly about this position and my contribution, and tend to get emotional about it. I know I’ve made a very significant contribution to the company’s growth, but I’m also fundamentally insecure about my skills. I also don’t have the resume that investors are looking for. The new CEO is a very level-headed personality who doesn’t get emotional about anything, and I don’t want to lose credibility with him as I negotiate my role in this growing company. Can you give me some pointers for preparing for this conversation?

Signed,

Looking for a promotion

Dear Looking for a Promotion,

Of course you get emotional about your role in the company you cofounded! This company is your brainchild; you’ve invested your blood, sweat, and tears. Any conversation about your role going forward is high stakes indeed. And our own strong emotions are often the biggest barrier to effectively influencing others. As you take stock of the company’s needs and of the skills you need in order to fulfill an executive role, you are wise to seek the new CEO’s mentorship. So, how do you have the crucial conversation with the CEO about taking on an executive role?

1- Start with heart. As you contemplate having this conversation, ask yourself, “What do I really want? For myself? For the new CEO? For the company?” Of course you want the company to be successful. You also want to support the CEO and help him succeed. In addition, you want to occupy an executive position and be effective in that role. Keep in mind that you are not a beggar or a thief. You are not asking for a position you do not deserve, nor are you expecting a role that benefits you and hurts the company. You want to add value and make a meaningful contribution. These are good motives–helpful motives. As you focus on these thoughts, your brain will be in gear and your emotions will dissipate.

2- Create mutual purpose. An important beginning to this crucial conversation is to help the CEO understand your intentions–your motives. You might want to say something like: “I want to talk with you about my role in the company. I am absolutely committed to making the company succeed. I also want to do everything within my power to help you be successful in your new role as CEO.” Such a strong declaration will do a lot to make it safe for the CEO to discuss the topic with you openly.

3- Next, share your meaning. As with brining up any sensitive topic, I would encourage you to share the facts. Help your CEO understand your history with the company and the many contributions you’ve made. There’s no need to feel embarrassed or shy. You are not bragging or “tooting your own horn,” you are giving the CEO important information he needs to make decisions about how to best utilize your abilities. Then tell your story by sharing with the CEO your honest evaluation of your strengths and weaknesses. Our tendency is to ‘spin’ our histories by embellishing our strengths and understating our weaknesses. I once worked with a colleague who was always trying to ‘sell’ me. When advocating his point of view, he emphasized the reasons to do what he wanted, and left unmentioned the downside. I grew to discount his statements and distrust his motives. You do not want to do this. Identify where you see yourself as the most capable and where you need more development. This kind of honesty, openness, and insight will help your CEO appreciate the kind of person you are and trust your candor. Next, make your proposal. Explain the position you want to fill and its responsibilities. Ask that the CEO mentor you and help you strengthen the areas you’ve identified for improvement.

4- Finally, Ask for the CEO’s input. You’ve put a lot of meaning in the pool, now is the time to get his. Ask questions and listen. How does he see the situation? How would he see the fit between you and the executive position?

This appeal will not necessarily guarantee that you end up with the position you desire. This approach will, however, increase the likelihood that your emotions will not get in the way and there will be greater mutual understanding.

Good luck!

Ron

Dear Crucial Skills,

I lead a faith-based non-profit org after 15 years as a midlevel executive in the wireless industry. Working with Board Members and Volunteers is tough sometimes. My difficulty comes in creating safety and expressing my concerns in a crucial conversation about agreements that are not carried out. Given the volunteer nature of both parties, I want to appreciate their desire to serve, not alienate them, and yet I want to let them know things that need to be done are not getting done.

Can you help me? Thanks!

Signed,

Seeking Accountability

Dear Seeking,

Talking through tough issues with someone in a volunteer organization is a lot like dealing with peers or someone at a higher level in any organization. You cannot rely on position, power, or the threat of losing employment to get the other person’s attention. If you are too heavy-handed, you risk creating offense; if you sugarcoat or water down your communication, you minimize the problem. What to do?

Consider the following tips:

- Start with Heart: Make sure you go into the conversation with the right end in mind–you want to solve the problem of someone not keeping a commitment in a way that preserves and enhances the working relationship. You don’t want to shame. You don’t want to make the other person seem bad and wrong.

- Master Your Stories: Ask “why would a reasonable, rational, decent person not keep his or her commitment?” It might be a motivational problem (he or she didn’t WANT to do it) or an ability problem (he or she wasn’t ABLE to do it). Which is the case? You don’t know! Don’t assume the worst; don’t tell yourself a villain story. Be curious, not furious.

- Get Unstuck: Decide at what level the conversation needs to be held: content (first time), pattern (it’s happened before), or relationship (how it affects the trust and respect between the two of you). If the problem is a pattern of a behavior that you’ve dealt with before, don’t just talk about the current instance, talk about the fact that it keeps happening and discuss what you can do to keep it from continuing. If it’s starting to affect how the two of you work together, address that issue, and discuss what you’d like from your working relationship.

- STATE your Path: Start with the facts of what’s going on, not your conclusions about why it’s happening. An effective way of sharing the facts is to compare what was promised with what happened. Don’t make accusations (“You didn’t keep your promise.”) Don’t make statements of emotion (“You make me so mad!”); rather, try, “you told me the report would be ready by Monday. It’s now Tuesday and I still haven’t received the report. What happened?”

- Move to Action: Remember at the end of the conversation to document ‘Who does What by When,’ to clarify the plan going forward. This will ensure that everyone knows what is expected going forward, and help them understand what they’ll be accountable for. Be sure to follow up.

This will still be a crucial conversation, but handling it with these principles and skills will increase the probability of solving problems in a way that builds both respect and your relationship.

Best of luck,

Ron