When she first met her husband, Patty Loeffler was thin, active, and the picture of good health. But nine years into her marriage, Patty found herself 100 pounds overweight and a perpetual yo-yo dieter. She had joined and left Weight Watchers so many times that she was embarrassed to even consider going back. And yet, she knew she needed to make a big change. That’s why in 2012, she made the resolution to simply “get healthy”—and the timing couldn’t have been better.

In March 2012, Patty enlisted in Influencer Training by VitalSmarts. Already a Crucial Conversations certified trainer, she was excited to learn the Six Sources of Influence model for changing behavior. When prompted to identify a change challenge to which she could apply the model and principles, she selected her “get healthy” initiative. Shortly after, she received the newest book from VitalSmarts, Change Anything, which helped her further apply the Six Sources of Influence to her personal goals.

Patty started her “get healthy” change plan by identifying two vital behaviors that proved to be instrumental to her success:

1. Make a plan. Patty found planning to be essential. She not only planned her healthy meals, but also where she would go if and when she ate out. She learned where all the healthy restaurants and meals were in the city so she would never have to make a last-minute unhealthy choice.

2. Weigh daily. By weighing herself daily, she found that she could stay on top of her weight loss and most importantly, quickly get back on track if she started slipping.

Patty used all six sources of influence to help keep her vital behaviors, but she attributes the majority of her success to social motivation and ability. She says the social influence that was missing from her past diet attempts meant the difference between her success and the years of failure.

Patty recruited her husband and son to join her in her goal to get healthy. Like Patty, her husband also had a history of failed weight loss, and as a result, was pretty reticent to participate. But after Patty begged him, he agreed and they made a very serious commitment to each other that they would see the plan through to the end.

When Patty’s son came home from college that summer, she also recruited him to participate, and together the three found success in applying the model from Influencer and Change Anything. The Six Sources of Influence Patty identified to help keep her behaviors included:

Personal Motivation – Patty hung her skinniest jeans on her closet door which served as a daily reminder of what she looked like and how good she felt when she first met her husband. The jeans also reminded her that at the age of 53, her window of opportunity to change was closing as she may only face more health issues in the future.

Personal Ability – A key part of Patty’s plan included a nutrition program called Ideal You sponsored by her employer. At first, Patty was skeptical this would be just another failed diet plan, but this program taught her skills to control her diet with higher protein and lower carbohydrates and fats—skills she never learned before. There was also a phased approach which began by limiting her diet in the beginning and slowly adding in healthy foods as she learned to get her intake under control. The program also taught her effective strategies to maintain her weight loss.

Social Motivation and Ability – Patty and her husband faced every part of their weight loss journey together. They started by publicly announcing their diet at her daughter-in-law’s birthday party. This public proclamation lead to support from her entire extended family. Her husband also did most of the shopping under their approved dietary guidelines and they began exercising together and spent less of their time together watching TV or eating out at unhealthy restaurants.

Patty also garnered support at work. She teamed up with a few coworkers who also had a goal to get healthy and they spearheaded a transformation of their entire team. For example, they stopped bringing in unhealthy food to celebrate events and when they ate out together, they went to healthy restaurants. Patty’s family and friends never made her feel bad for wanting to choose healthy meal options. On the contrary, many actually thanked Patty for her example and motivating them to make their own healthy choices.

Patty also attributes much of her success in beginning an exercise regimen to the help of personal trainers who reintroduced her to exercise and how to do it effectively.

Structural Motivation – Instead of falling into old habits of rewarding herself with her favorite foods, Patty started going to the spa and treating herself to massages, manicures, and pedicures when she hit her weight loss goals. She was also really motivated to change by shopping for cute clothes she couldn’t fit into previously and the money she saved from giving up expensive and fattening fast food meals helped to offset the expense of a new wardrobe. Patty was also motivated to stick to her new diet because it was a plan she paid to be part of and she didn’t want to see that money go to waste.

Structural Ability – Early on, Patty decided to chart her weight loss. This strategy helped her to see her long-term success—which was a tremendous motivator during the weeks of plateau. She also changed her surroundings. She brought exercise equipment out of storage and placed it in her family room. She also got rid of all the junk food in the house. She even made changes at work. For the first time in her career, she began to use the on-site personal trainer and fitness center provided by her employer.

Results
By using the change plan found in Change Anything, Patty shattered a long history of failure to lose weight. In just nine months, she lost an impressive 102 pounds. And, as it turns out, her weight loss impacted her life in even more immediate ways. After discovering a life-threatening illness months into her get healthy initiative, doctors told her that losing the weight was the best thing she could have done and possibly even slowed the progression of the disease thus allowing it to be discovered and treated at an early stage.

Patty wasn’t the only one who experienced such dramatic success. The social influences she learned about in Change Anything really made a difference not only for her but also for her husband and son. In the end, Patty’s husband lost 80 pounds and her son lost 100 pounds, proving that with the right plan, you really can change for good.

  Dear Crucial Skills,

I feel very shy when speaking at a public place, whether in front of family members or colleagues, or in team meetings. Even if I have talking points, I struggle to share my thoughts. This is creating problems in my career as well as in my social life. Can you share some tips for overcoming my fear of public speaking?

Overcoming Fear

 Dear Overcoming Fear,

You are certainly not alone concerning this fear—in fact, it ranks as many people’s number one fear. Perhaps, you’ve heard the joke by Jerry Seinfeld: “I read a thing that actually says that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing—number two was death! That means to the average person if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.“

This bit of humor doesn’t downplay the seriousness of people’s fear to speak in public. As I address this issue with some advice, I take confidence in the conclusion we uncovered when researching our book, Change Anything—people can and do change all the time. I’ll also share some of the principles and tactics from that research as well as my own personal experience.

Learn some lessons from snakes. We’ve been fortunate to associate with world-renowned psychologist Dr. Albert Bandura for decades. He has done foundational research on behavior change. One of his early studies dealt with people who had a serious snake phobia. So serious in fact that their fears kept them from work, from outings with their friends and family, and even from going out to dinner or seeing a movie. And most lived with this paralyzing condition for many years despite trying various “cures.”

Dr. Bandura put a small ad in a paper inviting people with this problem to come to the basement of the psychology department at Stanford. What did he do? Or more importantly, what did he not do? He didn’t lecture. He didn’t rely on verbal persuasion. As you probably know, others speaking to you endlessly about the fact that many people feel shy and scared or that those in the audience want you to succeed isn’t motivating enough to get you over your fear. Lectures don’t produce results.

Dr. Bandura didn’t lecture, instead he used vicarious experience. Vicarious experience works by allowing people to safely watch others do the behaviors that lead to the desired outcome. He asked the people with a phobia of snakes to watch the therapist handle a snake in order to see what happened. Small step by small step, the subjects saw someone model a safe way to handle a snake in a way that also appeared doable. And, after three hours of this observation, the subjects sat with a boa in their laps. Their fear dissipated because they had a vicarious experience that taught them that they could deal with snakes safely. The advice: don’t rely on your personal thoughts or the verbal persuasion of others. Rely on your own experience. The next tip deals with how you might do that.

Create an opportunity for safe, deliberate practice. I’m suggesting a number of doses of vicarious experience for you. Can you set up a situation where you see others practice some of the small steps of speaking in public? You don’t want to start by giving a talk and getting feedback. That’s what you fear. You want to watch others read short segments and have other people tell the speaker what they liked. Then step by step, you can watch, respond, try, try again, increase the length and difficulty of the speech, and repeat until speaking becomes more natural. Such deliberate practice in a supportive and safe environment will give your brain evidence that you need not fear.

One option is Toastmasters. Their model: “A Toastmasters meeting is a learn-by-doing workshop in which participants hone their speaking and leadership skills in a no-pressure atmosphere.” They have a process that can at least get you started. And I’m sure there are other groups and online resources that will allow you to start. Nothing that I can advise is more important than encouraging you to find a way to have safe, deliberate practice. First work on your competence and that will build your confidence. This is true for overcoming fear of snakes, fear of public speaking, and all sorts of other fears.

And now a word on shyness generally. Over the years, I’ve chatted in depth with a number of people who are sad, lonely, or disappointed in ways that they attribute ultimately to their shyness. Now I’m not saying that introversion is better or worse than extroversion. I’m talking about a group of people who claim to be shy and claim that their shyness is a cause of their misery. To this group, I also advise small, safe steps in a way that helps with deliberate practice.

As I’ve observed and coached some of these folks, I’ve noticed that they have a problem with initiating and reciprocating. When someone smiles at them, they don’t smile back. When someone greets them and asks, “How are you doing?” they say “Fine” and don’t greet and inquire in response. Also they don’t initiate smiles, greetings, or inquiries. This pattern is true in other interpersonal encounters. They don’t invite people to lunch. They don’t invite others at the water cooler to have small talk. And they don’t reciprocate when someone invites them. Because of this lack of reaching out to others, sooner or later, it seems, others quit initiating the smiles, greetings, inquiries, and invitations. The consequence is that the “shy” person feels left out, unhappy, or lonely.

In your question, you mention that you are very shy and that it is affecting your personal and professional life. I address this larger issue, because you may want to use the same advice to create for yourself opportunities for safe, deliberate practice. Find several friends with whom you can practice smiling, greeting, making eye contact, shaking hands, small talk, and invitations. Then ask the friends to coach you privately when you are trying your new skills in other settings.

Too many people justify the less-than-desired results they have by saying, “That’s just the way I am.” I believe that by working carefully and safely to increase our skills and competence, we can change for good.

I wish you well,
Al

  Dear Crucial Skills,

I have received feedback that my people skills are weak and that I am too direct, and I have been working to improve my performance in this area. I thought I had closed the performance gap, but based on feedback I’ve received, I think the behavior may still be present. Do you have any suggestions on how I might improve my people skills?

Too Direct

 Dear Too Direct,

Given the distance, anonymity, and lack of details of your circumstance, it would be easy to share a few old adages as advice. However, I’d like to be as specific as I can so let me give it a whirl. I’d like to share a few questions you could ask yourself and suggest a few tactics that will hopefully help you and our other readers.

First Question: What is the source of the feedback? Often, the feedback we receive comes from a manager. That feedback naturally becomes important, but sometimes you need to clarify that feedback by seeking additional sources. What does a mentor think about the feedback? What does a coworker think about the feedback? What do your direct reports think about the feedback?

You are not trying to negate the feedback; you are trying to clarify it, and other perspectives can help. For example, you might have a conversation that goes like this. “Could we talk about a confidential topic? I’ve received feedback that I need to improve my people skills and that I’m too direct.” (Notice I didn’t use weak; I think that word is too value loaded.) “I’m wondering what specific behaviors you’ve seen and what advice you would give me.” Again, the purpose is to get clarity, not to get evidence to refute your boss.

Second Question: Is the feedback specific? In your particular case, I think the feedback is too vague. “People skills are weak and too direct” are both bundles of behaviors or conclusions. Neither will help you improve your behavior and thus your results and relationships. Clearly, the tactics in the first question are related to this issue of clarity.

In this second question, the responsibility rests entirely with you to ask enough questions to make sure you know specifically what the feedback means at the behavioral level. What are you actually saying or doing that reflects poorly on your people skills. What behaviors are at the root cause of your manager’s concern? When you receive the feedback, be sure to ask questions for clarity. If you don’t immediately ask questions and need time to reflect on your behavior first, be sure to take the time you need and then return to your manager and uncover specifics behind his or her concerns. Here are a few clarifying questions you might ask:

• Could you tell me what you mean by “my people skills are weak?”
• Could you share a specific example of something I did or didn’t do that has caused you to think this about me?
• Do you have any suggestions for handling similar situations in the future?

Similarly, you could ask questions about what was meant by being “too direct.” To dive deeper here, ask for specific times when you are too direct. Does your directness show up as anger or sarcasm? When you give feedback, do you roll your eyes? Do you come in with a monologue and seldom ask questions to get another’s perspective? Do you focus on the task at the expense of the relationship?

Some managers clearly value accuracy more than harmony—they value getting it right more than they value getting along. The best managers demonstrate that they value both. Do you play “gotcha” but never give praise or encouragement? Are you all business and no play? Do you only “lose it” when there is a deadline or a missed budget, or do you hold everyone accountable for every little thing? I won’t go on and on about the variations of being “too direct,” but hopefully you can see what I mean by getting clarity at the behavioral level.

At the end of this conversation, you should be more aware of what behaviors you need to change, and you can then make a specific behavioral plan to improve your people skills.

Third Question: What can I do to improve? If you have clarity about the issue and that clarity has been enhanced by talking to others, you should be able to make a plan. I turn here to Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success for a couple of key tactics.

Begin by asking yourself, “What results do I want?” You might want your boss to give you a 4 or 5 on a performance appraisal instead of a 2 or 3. Or you might simply want him or her to state that you have improved in your next one-on-one meeting.

Do you know your crucial moments? In what circumstances and with whom do you become too direct? When are you tempted to become angry and use sarcasm and not ask questions or listen? When you can pinpoint your moments of weakness, you will be more prepared to behave differently if and when these crucial moments arise.

What are the vital behaviors you’ll use in these crucial moments? For example, you might identify these vital behaviors:

• When I see a performance issue, I will remain calm and ask myself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do that?”
• I will begin all conversations with an observation and question, not an emotion and conclusion.
• If I lose my temper or become sarcastic, I’ll call time out and sincerely apologize.

There could be many different crucial moments and vital behaviors, but you need to select yours. And you’ll need to marshal enough sources of influence to help yourself stick to your behaviors. Do you vividly understand what will happen if you don’t improve and what the benefits will be if you do? Do you have the skills to enact your behaviors? Do you have the support of friends? Do you have cues to remind you about what you have committed to do?

If you get enough sources of influence to encourage and enable you, you can make improvement almost inevitable. You will have created your own plan which will lead to your success.

I wish you well,
Al

  Dear Crucial Skills,

My sibling and his family are heading for a serious debt problem and possibly bankruptcy. They are trying to cut expenses here and there but still can’t make ends meet. At the end of the day, their monthly expenses add up to more than they make.

It seems the only way to avoid bankruptcy would be to make big, hard decisions or to borrow money. In the past, they’ve asked us for financial help. Sometimes we’ve been able to help and sometimes we haven’t.

We have a sense that they’re about to approach us again. We aren’t sure whether we want or will be able to help them financially, but we love them and feel deep sorrow for their situation. On the other hand, we work hard to live within our means and struggle with the thought that we shouldn’t have to help others who don’t live within theirs.

We’d like to help them change their lives for the better instead of just bailing them out. How can I help my sibling develop good financial habits and avoid bankruptcy?

Sincerely,
Cost-Conscious Sibling

 Dear Cost-Conscious,

At the core, your question centers on helping, and defining what help means can be problematic. Often, what one person sees as helpful is different from what another person sees as helpful. So in the spirit of trying to help, I’ll first offer ideas that frame the challenge, and then detail specific topics that need to be considered.

Define what is and is not helpful. In Change Anything, we make a distinction between a friend and an accomplice. A friend is someone who helps you and an accomplice is someone who helps you get in trouble. It is often difficult to tell the difference. When you gave or lent money to your brother, you no doubt intended to be a friend, and perhaps you were. But as your brother’s pattern of behavior becomes apparent, perhaps giving or lending him money, or bailing him out becomes the act of an accomplice. Maybe you are acting as an accomplice by shielding him from the natural consequences of his choices. Maybe, by trying to help him, you are denying him lessons he needs to learn. So it seems you need to initiate a conversation with him about what you think is helpful and what is not helpful. I would suggest initiating the conversation prior to the time he comes to ask you for help.

The key to having this conversation is to hold it at a time when he will feel safe. Don’t hold it in the presence of other listeners, or when either of you is stressed or tired. Begin by saying what you are trying to do (provide as much help as you can) and what you are not trying to do (tell him how to run his life.) You are bringing up this topic because it is difficult and ignoring it won’t help the situation go away. By initiating the conversation about your intentions and limitations, you are stepping forward to help in a productive way.

Diagnose a motivation vs. an ability problem. It’s easy to conclude that if others just wanted to control their urges and their spending, they could show a little deferred gratification and all would be well. However, for many people, the problem is not want to, the problem is can do—more people have a skill-power problem than a will-power problem. And when we try to motivate the unable, we create more frustration than progress. So hold a conversation to diagnose whether or not your brother is unmotivated or unable. If he is truly unable and doesn’t understand what it takes to make and save money or live within a budget, then you can move the conversation to helping him learn new skills that will ensure his long-term success.

Engage in a dialogue about the skills he needs to develop and what he needs to actually do to enable his path out of debt. Introduce your brother to a more robust theory of change. For example, teach him the distinction between friends and accomplices. People who need to change are more likely to succeed if they distance themselves from accomplices, turn accomplices into friends, or just add a couple of friends. Help your brother identify those people who are leading him down the path of financial security or financial failure.

When you get to the more technical aspects of financial literacy, consider several options. First, ask your brother if it would be helpful to list the people, places, and things that are helping and those that are hindering his ability to manage his finances. Often, just by articulating this list, steps forward become clear. During this process, you can also ask if it would be all right if you shared some of the tactics that have helped you and barriers that have been stumbling blocks for you. Second, you might ask if your brother will consider exploring some other expert resources. There are experienced financial consultants who will help people learn what they need to do to get out of debt—how to budget, live within a budget, increase savings, and so on.

In Change Anything, we share what we’ve learned about personal change and we also have a chapter devoted specifically to getting out of debt titled, “Financial Fitness: How to Get out of Debt.” We encourage people to identify the crucial moments where they are tempted to spend too much, and we encourage them to find their unique vital behaviors. Here are four common vital behaviors to financial fidelity we found in our research:

• Track everything. The financially fit record every bit of money they spend so they can improve at planning and budgeting.
• Know before you go. The financially fit make plans and lists about what they will buy before they go shopping and they stick to that list.
• Save before you spend. The financially fit automatically apply 10 percent or more of their paychecks to their bills in order to accelerate debt repayment.
• Hold a weekly wealth review. Once a week, at the same time, the financially fit review their budget, discuss deviations, and make improvement plans for the next week.

And to adopt these vital behaviors, the financially fit get the six sources of influence working in their favor.

So in summary, reach out to help, dialogue about skill-power, and find some resources that will teach your brother new skills. Doing these things will do more to help your brother than handing him a check could ever accomplish.

I hope that helps,
Al

Dear Crucial Skills,

How can I rid myself of watching TV mindlessly for long hours?

Couch Potato

 Dear Couch Potato,

Thanks for asking! This is a problem that sneaks up on people and has real impacts. Adolescents who watch hours of TV also eat more junk food, exercise less, study less, have fewer friends, and are more likely to be involved in drugs and alcohol. Adults who watch lots of TV are more likely to be overweight, depressed, have cardiovascular diseases, and shortened lives. Wow!

However, notice that these are correlations. They aren’t saying that watching TV causes all these ills. In fact, the causation may run the other way, at least sometimes. Think of how it might work: I feel ill and a little depressed. I don’t have a close friend to visit, and I don’t feel up to taking a walk. So instead, I watch a few hours of TV. While I’m watching, it’s easy to down a beer or two and a bag of chips. As this becomes a habit, I go out less, gain more weight, spend less time with friends, and feel worse about myself. So, how do I handle my depressed mood? By escaping into more TV.

How can you escape this vicious cycle? Personally, I use the principles from Change Anything.

Set a Goal. Decide how much TV is the right amount for you. It might be one hour a day or five hours a week. Make sure the goal is reasonable and within your control.

Create a Six-Source Plan. When a habit is hard to change, it’s usually because your world is perfectly organized to maintain it. You probably have all Six Sources of Influence pulling against you. I’ll suggest some ways to get all Six Sources pulling for you.

Source 1: Personal Motivation. Left in a room by yourself, you probably want to watch TV. How can you change your motives in the moment?

I think we often use TV as a solution to boredom, loneliness, burnout, and bad moods. And it may even work, at least in the short run. It pulls us into a compelling story and distracts us from our troubles. But it’s a distraction, not a solution. And it tends to lead us into other bad habits, as well as take time away from more healthy habits.

If you are using TV as a solution to a problem, then finding better solutions to these problems might remove an important motive for watching TV.

Track your moods. Put a notebook near your TV, and track what you are thinking and feeling when you get the urge to watch TV. Find out whether you are using your TV to manage your moods and which moods they are.

Also, note what your moods are at the end of each day. Some researchers have found that viewers are happy while watching but feel lousy at the end of the evening—as if they’ve wasted the evening. At the end of each day, ask yourself, “Do I feel good about how I spent my time today?” Enjoy the well-deserved feeling of success when you stick to your TV plan.

Source 2: Personal Ability. New habits require new skills. If you find it’s taking too much willpower to avoid TV, add some skill.

Skill up on better ways to enjoy your free time. First, determine when you watch TV: is it early morning, the middle of the day, after dinner, or late at night? Map out these times and begin searching for better activities that could replace TV during those times.

Create your own Pleasant Events Schedule. It’s an old tool, but it’s a good one. The Pleasant Events Schedule is a simple list of 320 activities that some or many people enjoy. You can find an updated version that focuses on older adults here. You can use this tool as follows:

a. Check out the items on the list
b. Select several that you enjoy and that would fit into your free time
c. Schedule them into your free time—put them on your calendar as an alternative to TV watching
d. If you discover you don’t enjoy them, pick different activities

Sources 3&4: Social Motivation and Ability. Do others around you influence you to watch more or less TV? What is your personal mix of accomplices (people who enable or encourage more TV) and friends (people who enable and encourage less TV)?

Change the Mix of Accomplices and Friends. Identify your TV buddies—the accomplices who join you in front of the TV—and then ask them to join you in non-TV activities. Or, add a new friend by finding someone who is doing something you’d rather do—exercising, taking a walk, reading aloud, volunteering, etc.—and join them.

When you feel as if you need help, help someone. Or at least connect with someone. Spend your TV time with someone you care about, instead of with your TV. Call your mom, visit a friend, talk to your children, or help your children with their homework.

Source 5: Structural Motivation. Are there hidden rewards for TV watching? Can you do something to invert the economy?

Take away hidden rewards. Don’t allow yourself to eat or drink while you’re watching TV. Don’t have the TV on during meals. For example, do you indulge in junk food when you sit in front of the TV? Don’t reward yourself while watching.

Reward incremental progress. Track and reward your progress every week. But don’t use TV watching as the reward! Find a range of little presents you can give yourself. Change them up so they stay fresh and make them contingent on achieving your weekly TV goal.

Source 6: Structural Ability. Is your environment making it too easy and convenient to watch TV? Does your living room, kitchen, or bedroom scream, “Turn me on, I’m a television!”

Use convenience and comfort. Make it less convenient and less comfortable to watch TV. My wife and I have one TV that’s out all the time and is located on the wall in our kitchen. But we’ve made sure the chairs there aren’t overly comfortable. After about 45 minutes, no one would want to keep watching TV at our house.

Actually, we do have a second TV, but we keep it on the top shelf in a closet near the living room. Whenever we want to watch a longer show (we’re Tour de France addicts) we take down this TV and put it on a stand in the living room. But we always put it away again after the show. These little touches of inconvenience and discomfort prevent us from watching too much.

The secret sauce that makes Six-Source Plans so effective is that you use all the Sources all at once. Don’t cherry pick one or two of these ideas. Make sure you have a tactic that will work for you in each of the Six Sources of Influence and implement them all at the same time.

Of course, I’ve shared only a few of the many possible tactics out there, and some that work for me might not work for you. Be the scientist. Explore what works for you and then let the rest of us know. Everyone, I’d love to hear what’s worked for you. Please share your ideas for turning off the TV.

David

Dear Crucial Skills,

After reading Change Anything, I set a goal to lose twenty pounds and created a change plan. I followed the plan and lost eight pounds in three weeks, then I hit a plateau and was unable to lose more. Did I choose the wrong plan? How do I know if my change plan is good, or if I need to change it?

Stalled

 Dear Stalled,

Good job! Eight pounds in three weeks is excellent! Hitting a plateau after losing weight is not evidence of failure, it’s good data.

Be the subject and the scientist. I suggest you use this data to update your plan. Thousands of scientists, nutritionists, and physicians have studied weight loss, wellness, and health. No one, however, has studied your weight loss. Others have developed general plans based on some general ideas and principles. But you need a specific plan, specific to you. You need to be the scientist who studies you (the subject) to discover the best plan for your own health and wellness.

Let’s assume the plan you begin with is a good plan based on tried and true concepts. I suspect this is correct because you used this plan to lose eight pounds. Keep in mind a change plan is dynamic not static. You should now expand, experiment, analyze, and adjust your plan.

For example, let’s suppose your vital behaviors were to:

1. Weigh daily
2. Take a brisk twenty-minute walk three times a week
3. Stop eating snacks before bedtime

These behaviors have likely made you aware of your weight and the impact your plan is having on weight loss. This is good; observation and awareness are key tools of a scientist to gain understanding. Your weight loss probably resulted from not eating snacks before bedtime and being more active. You made progress and then plateaued. This is good data. Analyze it. What can you learn?

Maybe you should continue this behavior and expand your plan. Perhaps you could review what you are eating. Are there some opportunities to cut calories in a helpful, healthy way? What if you cut calorie-rich snacks between meals and replace them with healthy alternatives to keep you from getting hungry and stay energized? If this makes sense, conduct an experiment. What happens when you add this vital behavior to your plan? Note: You can drop the “no snacking before bedtime” as a vital behavior in order to keep your focus on just three vital behaviors. You continue to enact this behavior, but because you’ve mastered it, it’s no longer on your “vital” list.

With this new vital behavior in place, track your progress with daily weigh-ins. Analyze the data. Is the new vital behavior working? Adjust your plan accordingly.

As you master a vital behavior, experiment with new behaviors. Consider changing your meals and increasing activity and exercise. Also, analyze and adjust your six sources. For example, add a friend and exercise together (turn accomplices into friends), and reward yourself upon completion of your goal by allowing yourself to buy a new outfit in your new size (invert the economy).

Congratulations on creating a successful change plan. A leveling-off of your results is not failing to achieve your goal, it’s good data indicating that it’s time to expand, experiment, analyze, and adjust. Doing this keeps your plan vibrant and not only assures you reach your goals, but makes it likely you will surpass them.

All the best,
Ron

Renowned behavioral scientist and bestselling author, Brian Wansink, joined us at REACH 2012 to explain a common myth about obesity: buffets make us fat.

If buffets really make us fat, then why are there plenty of skinny people at a buffet? Wansink and his team sought to uncover what skinny people do differently than heavy people when facing a plethora of food. By identifying and replicating the behaviors of the successfully thin, we can combat our tendency to overeat.

By observing hundreds of buffet-goers, Wansink’s team found that skinny people did the following things:

• Sat 16 feet farther away from the buffet than heavy people
• Were 3 times more likely to face away from the food
• Were 3 times more likely to scout out the buffet before filling up their plate
• Ate off smaller plates
• Chewed 14 times on average, whereas heavy people chewed 11 times

Interestingly, when asked, most skinny people had no clue that they had behaved accordingly, further proving Wansink’s mantra that “the best diet is the diet you don’t know you’re on.”

So, how can we put this research into practice? In his twenty-minute BIG Idea speech, Wansink says it’s easier to change your environment than your mind. Instead of assuming you’ll have enough willpower to simply eat less when in an environment where gluttony is the goal, do as the skinny did and get rid of the things that will derail your diet.

Adopt these behaviors to cut calories at your next holiday party or buffet:

• Eat off a small plate
• Sit far from the food
• Sample the food choices before filling up your plate

The secret to mindless eating is not mindful eating. The solution is to change your environment so it works for you instead of against you.

Visit the VitalSmarts Video Channel and select Brian’s Mindless Eating Meets Influencer BIG Idea speech to learn how to cut calories.

  Dear Crucial Skills,

I’ve approached my superiors many times to let them know that I would like to be involved in other projects or roles at work, but I haven’t received any responding offers or opportunities.

What’s the best way to let management know that I’m interested in branching out?

Looking for More

 Dear Looking,

Whether at work, at home, or in the community, people often feel they are limited in their opportunities to do more, develop more, or take on more responsibility. They feel boxed-in by policy, provincial thinking, or limited resources. With the backdrop of a down economy and all the downsizing or rightsizing that has occurred, more and more people are feeling limited or boxed-in at work. Some have simply accepted the situation as the new normal and have been prompted, either by others or by themselves, to feel gratitude that they even have a job.

I admire you for refusing to accept the situation and for striving to grow professionally. I hope my advice will help you as you work to achieve your goal.

Avoid the harbor trap. The first bit of advice is a variation of a quotation attributed to a New England chamber of commerce and often used by John F. Kennedy: “A rising tide lifts all boats.” If that is true, the reverse is equally true. “A falling tide lowers all boats.”

This quotation also applies to corporate culture. Corporate culture can be defined as what people do habitually and voluntarily at work, particularly in the absence of supervision. When the tide is rising, the workforce is generally optimistic and opportunities abound. But when the tide falls, due to a pessimistic and cynical culture, many people are weighed down and become trapped in negative thinking. I congratulate you for maintaining your ambitions despite any cynicism around you. I encourage you to avoid listening to the messages about, “not rocking the boat,” or “keeping your head down and your nose clean,” or “just being grateful for what you have.” While these messages can be subtle or overt, they can also be persistent. Run from them, don’t listen to them, and don’t sink with the tide.

Manage your own vital behaviors. Now you may not work in a negative culture. Instead, your problem may be that your boss won’t or doesn’t want to listen to you, or doesn’t see your potential. In any case, my advice is the same. You need to be the captain of your own ship. You need to manage your own vital behaviors—the choices or actions that are most directly connected to the result you desire. In your case, your desire is more opportunities and responsibilities at work.

When we were writing Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success, we researched what it takes to manage your own career or get unstuck at work, and we found that there are three vital behaviors that can help you advance your career. These three vital behaviors will help you step up, branch out, and build a reputation that can increase your opportunities:

• Know your stuff. The top performers we studied made regular efforts to ensure they excelled in the current technical aspects of their jobs. This means you should study, attend classes, and read the most current information about your field. You want people to know that you are in the top 10 percent of innovative leaders who can execute in your chosen field.
• Focus on the right stuff. In addition to being known as competent, the top performers kept their finger on the pulse of the industry. They were knowledgeable and competent in areas that directly applied to their organization’s strategic imperatives. I’ve known individuals who, by asking the right questions, networking with the appropriate experts, and studying the latest literature, changed their reputation as a mediocre contributor to that of an influential leader in about three months time. You can do this, too.
• Build a reputation for being helpful. There are many areas where you can be helpful without anyone’s approval. In order to improve your influence, start a Toastmaster class, find someone to mentor, volunteer for various committees, or become the source of clear information in your area of expertise. This list includes just a few suggestions for being helpful in ways that require little to no approval from your manager. When people are known for being problem solvers, rather than for who they know or for their charm, opportunities follow.

Be explicit in your requests. It seems like you have already asked your boss—maybe repeatedly—for new opportunities. Congratulations again for refusing to remain silent and sink with the tide. If you haven’t already done so, make sure your request is clear and vary the way you ask. Rather than asking for new opportunities and responsibilities generally, ask for the opportunity to serve on a specific team or committee and note the ways you think you could contribute. Or, ask what you would need to do or learn to be a candidate for the next opportunity or promotion and ask for your manager’s support in that development.

If you are clear enough, you will get an answer or you will continue to be stonewalled—which is also an answer. If you are stonewalled, I suggest you steer your own boat and ask for advice or mentoring from others in the organization. I’ve never seen an organization that didn’t have some individuals who had a personal goal to help others succeed.

I hope this advice will help you captain your own ship and manage your own career. If you follow this advice, I believe that although you may not achieve a specific position you are seeking, you will step up and branch out. I wish you well in your quest.

Al

Dear Crucial Skills,

I’m in a weight loss program to lose the first fifty pounds and had a breakthrough of why I sabotage my weight loss efforts. I realized that I am negatively affected by my mother’s years of criticism of me and others who are overweight. I want to rid myself of these negative feelings, but I don’t know how to do that.

Can you help me overcome my negative feelings so I don’t keep sabotaging my weight loss efforts?

Sabotaged Efforts

 Dear Sabotaged,

Thanks for your question. Many of us are working to lose weight or conquer other stubborn habits and your question taps in to several of the reasons we struggle. If we can answer your question, I think we’ll all benefit. I’m going to use concepts from our book, Change Anything, to suggest some possible solutions.

Be the scientist and the subject. We are all subjects in other people’s science experiments. People poke, prod, and provoke us to see if they can influence our behavior. The challenge is that many of these people are marketers and salespeople who don’t have our best interests at heart. Even when they do want what’s best for us—as your mother probably did—their actions often backfire, hurting us more than they help.

The solution is for you to become the scientist as well as the subject. Study your own behavior the way a scientist would. Instead of being discouraged by your setbacks, be curious about them. Notice, it was when you became curious about your self-sabotaging that you discovered the link to your mother’s criticism. This is a good first step.

Turn a bad day into good data. What you’ve discovered is a crucial moment—a time, situation, or circumstance when your success is especially at risk. Your particular crucial moment occurs when broken records begin to play in your head, repeating criticisms you remember from years ago. The risk in these crucial moments is that you will respond the same way you did years ago—with defiance. For example, the record in your head says, “Nobody will love you if you look like that . . .” and your automatic response is, “Oh yeah? Watch me eat this dessert and prove you wrong!”

Use a personal motivation statement. You need to find a way to replace your automatic, unhealthy response with a positive, healthy one. One tactic to try is a personal motivation statement. The statement should refute the automatic response and reconnect you with the positive reasons for sticking to your change plan. For example, it might say, “This isn’t about my mother or what she wanted. It’s about me, and what I want. What I really want is . . .” You might write this statement on a 3×5 card that you take out and read when broken records are playing in your head.

Learn new ways to manage your moods. Many of our bad habits are misguided attempts to manage our moods. For example, we eat when we feel down or we smoke when we feel frustrated. My bet is that the records you play in your head don’t just provoke your defiance; they make you feel lousy inside. If that’s true, then you need a healthy, positive way to boost your mood without busting your diet.

Managing our moods is a skill many of us never learned or never learned well. Our mood management attempts often involve spoiling or indulging ourselves. But there are far better ways to improve our state of mind. For example, recent research shows that doing something for someone else is far more effective than indulging ourselves. My mother says, “If you feel you need help, then go help someone,” and she’s right.

Become the scientist again, and look for better ways to boost your moods. For example, the Pleasant Events Schedule is a list of 320 different activities that people enjoy and is one place to begin your search. You can sort through the list and pick five or ten that might boost your mood. Try them. Test them out until you find a few that reliably work for you. Just make sure they boost your mood without introducing or reinforcing unwanted habits.

My closing suggestion is to remain the active scientist. Be the one who takes the reins and designs the experiments that will move your life forward. And remember that many of our bad habits started as solutions to problems that were real and remain real. We can’t just stop these bad habits; we need to replace them with more effective and healthier ones.

David

As an Influencer trainer, I struggle to help participants with their change plans when they base them on soft skills such as being too direct in communication with their family members or coming across as intimidating to team members. I especially have a hard time coming up with strategies for sources 2, 5, and 6. I’d appreciate some help!

Thanks for the great question! Coming up with strategies for all the sources—particularly for change plans based on soft skills—can take some creativity. Let’s look at each of the sources you listed:

Source 2: Personal Ability

Engage in Deliberate Practice. Since soft skills are still skills, encourage participants to engage in a considerable amount of deliberate practice—using realistic and challenging situations to build confidence that they can handle even the toughest situations. Even with family or team situations, you can practice scripts for when you are triggered; bounce language off a trusted friend or coach; and test alternative words, body language, and actions to see if you get a different response and result.

Participants could also practice mastering their stories—reminding themselves that people do things for more than one reason—and transform their negative emotions (that might lead them to be too direct or intimidating) into curiosity and dialogue.

Learn New Skills with Training. Participants may want to consider attending Crucial Conversations or Crucial Confrontations training, where they can learn and apply new skills for speaking up respectfully to get better results.

Increase Personal Capacity. Don’t forget that it’s hard to use most any skill when we aren’t first taking care of ourselves. For example, when you get hungry or don’t have enough sleep you’re likely to be less able to stay cool in tough situations and more likely to snap or come across as intimidating. A new strategy could be “before my in-laws come over, get a good night’s sleep and eat breakfast.”

Source 5: Structural Motivation

Create a Motivating Plan or Game. Challenge participants to develop communication improvement goals—perhaps a seven-day or thirty-day plan. Then they can make this plan into a game or an experiment.

Use Incentives and Loss Aversion. Have the participants name what incentives motivate them and what punishments they want to avoid, and then have them incorporate those into their change plans. Loss aversion works well here—if they don’t meet their goals, they have to donate money to a rival university or sports team.

Source 6: Structural Ability

Use Cues. Have participants consider ways to remind themselves of the behavior they want to enact—a reminder on a post-it note on the bathroom mirror, a summary of the skill they want to employ on a screen saver, a daily reminder on their phone, etc.

Survey the Environment. Encourage participants to take inventory of their environment and determine where they are having trouble. Does the problem come up when they are talking on the phone while driving, in e-mail, or over text? Does it happen when they are multi-tasking, or after they feel icky and crabby from eating unhealthy food just because it was around? Is it after walking into their home greeted by dirty dishes and laundry they didn’t expect, or walking into an office with an overflowing inbox and a new crisis they could have avoided if they’d seen e-mail #214?

Encourage participants to find ways to change their environment to set them up for success. Perhaps they need to limit phone communication and have more face-to-face dialogue. Is their office an inviting space for dialogue—do they have an extra chair for someone to sit and talk? Are healthy snacks (instead of caffeine and sugar) nearby that may help them approach communication challenges with a clear head? Many, many possibilities in this area!

Gather Data and Use Tools. Encourage participants to gather data to increase self-awareness. Participants could create a survey and send it to friends, family, and colleagues. Some examples of simple survey questions are, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how respectful am I when I communicate?” and “On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do I listen to other points of view?” Participants could then use this data to help inform their progress and adapt their change plans.

Encourage participants to think of other tools they might need to set themselves up for success—the Crucial Confrontations audio book to listen to while driving, a smartphone that allows for video calls if a face-to-face meeting isn’t possible, etc.