To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below.

Dear Crucial Skills,

My husband spends an average of five hours a day playing video games and surfing the internet. I have attempted to confront him about the amount of time he spends on the internet and the effect it is having on our marriage, our children, and on himself. His response to my comments is, “I know I have a problem, but it’s a problem I’m not ready to deal with yet.”

How can I best address this issue without resorting to divorce or separation? I am tired of trying to “deal with it” until he is ready.

A Gamer’s Wife

To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below.

Dear Crucial Skills,

I have a three-year-old daughter, and I am concerned about the frequency with which I lose patience and “talk down” to her. My own father was very judgmental and intolerant of mistakes and inefficiencies. My daughter is three, and she is the epitome of inefficient!

As much as I try not to, I sound like my dad way too much. I hear the disapproving tone in my voice and know I shouldn’t use it, but I get so annoyed with her at times. I don’t want to raise her to be afraid to make mistakes and I want her to have positive self-esteem. How do I stop myself from repeating the patterns I was raised with?

Frayed Patience

To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below.

Dear Crucial Skills,

I live in an apartment complex built around a grassy area and parking garage. Ten boys between five and ten years old (including my son) live in the complex and love to play together on the grass. Sometimes they get a bit too noisy, which upsets many of the neighbors. Those annoyed neighbors wrote an angry e-mail to management telling them to “do something about the boys.” Ironically, those annoyed neighbors never speak to the boys’ parents about their concerns and even come out to tell the boys off when the parents are inside and run away when the parents come back out.

I want to build a community spirit and get people talking, but I don’t know where to start. How can I get my neighbors talking so we can resolve this issue without involving management?

Seeking Neighborly Dialogue

To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced the Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below.

Dear Crucial Skills,

What can we do as a company to optimize our cross-cultural performance? As a multi-national corporation, our employees live in different countries and time zones, have different cultural backgrounds, and speak different languages. The situation is further complicated because we usually don’t have the luxury of face-to-face contact.

Can you share tips and examples for using Crucial Conversations to handle cultural differences?

Cultural Balancing Act

To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we recently introduced our new Community Q&A column! Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below.

Dear Crucial Skills,

When I began dating my husband five years ago, his kids and I hit it off right away and I even had a friendly relationship with his ex-wife . . . at first. After we got engaged things changed. The stronger my relationship became with the kids, the more she seemed to look for reasons to attack me.

I have attempted to explain that I am not trying to replace her, but that I truly love her kids and want them to feel at home when they are at our house (we have 50/50 custody). She seems fine after we talk, but then she either ignores me or has a big, dramatic outburst and accuses me of trying to be their mom. I reached my breaking point when she chewed me out in front of the kids at a Little League game last week.

How do I help her see that I only want what is best for the kids?

Keeping the Peace

Because we receive so many questions from our readers each week, we unfortunately cannot answer every question in the Crucial Skills Newsletter. To help more of our readers with their crucial conversations, confrontations, and behavior change challenges, we’d like to introduce our new Community Q&A column! Each month, we’ll select a reader’s question, post it here on the blog, and invite you to share your advice and ideas. Please share your answers to this reader’s question in the comments below.

Dear Crucial Skills,

One of my colleagues works ten- to thirteen-hour days, even though her job does not require her to put in that many hours. She is a single, middle-aged woman and also volunteers one evening a week at a food pantry. She complains about how long she stays at work, so I have carefully encouraged her to leave on time.

I kindly told her that there are others who can take care of things and that she owes it to herself to get out of work at a reasonable hour. This is always a lose-lose conversation. She says “I know,” but her behavior does not change and she continues to complain that she “stays so late,” she is “so tired,” and “no one ever thanks me for my help.” When other employees ask me why she stays so late, I tell them I don’t know and suggest they ask her.

How can I help my friend stop playing the victim and see that leaving work on time is actually healthy and reasonable?

Full-time Friend

Update: We have received many helpful responses to Full-time Friend’s question. Thank you to everyone who has responded! Here are a few comments that summarize our readers’ advice. If you would like to read or share more advice, please do so in the comments below:

• “This is a difficult question to answer because we are missing an essential piece of information: What is her motivation for working so late? . . . Could it be that she is not a fast worker and is concerned about meeting a productivity standard? Could she be worried about her position and wants it known that she is going the extra mile? She has a need that must be identified and fulfilled in a healthier manner.” – Julian Fountain




• “I see this where I work as well, and also find myself falling into the habit now and then of working extra hours. I am a ‘single middle-aged woman’ – my kids are adults and independent. If I don’t have something scheduled with friends or family it’s very easy to stay at work because there is no one waiting for me at home….a rare occurance because I keep myself pretty busy to avoid this situation, and it’s more likely others complain about my ‘being too busy’.
  
  Your ‘friend’ may need a regular afterwork get together or activity in addition to her volunteering. I’ve taken on the task of getting we ‘single middle-aged ladies’ together once a month or so after work to share conversation and the feeling of togetherness and ‘family’ that others get at home in the evening – others (married/male) are also included. Give it a try, my guess is she needs her ‘friends from work’ more than she needs to ‘be at work’ but doesn’t know how to ask.” – Linda




• “What exactly is it that’s bothering you? Is it the fact that she complains about working late, or something else? Whatever it is, I think it’s essential at this point that you address what is bothering you, not her . . . Just remind her that this has been going on for a while with no change. Let her know how it makes you feel, and suggest a brainstorming session regarding how you can help change whatever you or she needs to change to improve the situation.” – Dave