ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kerry Patterson is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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This year I’ve decided to give you (kind readers) a Valentine’s Day gift. I know it’s a few days late, but since my present is neither candy nor flowers (and won’t decay) I think the gift I have in mind will do just fine. I’m giving you a nonperishable story of a Valentine’s Day I experienced some thirty-five years ago. It’s a tale that I believe might help lift your spirits some day when you’ve done something—how does one put it?—not all that clever. Plus the story provides a nice reminder of the importance of keeping focused on what you really want.

It all started one Saturday evening when I suddenly realized that I only had an hour to buy my wife a Valentine’s Day gift. Since Louise was working on a project across campus (I was a grad student at the time), I loaded our six- and four-year-old daughters into the back seat of our Volkswagen bug, strapped our six-month-old son into one of those plastic baby carriers, and headed off to the nearest shopping center I could find.

Soon, with Becca, Christine, and a Raggedy Ann doll connected to me in a daisy chain of hand holds and Taylor swinging gently in the plastic carrier clutched in my other hand, we found ourselves scurrying through a very high-end shopping center that was close to our apartment—but unlike any place I’d had ever been before (it didn’t have “Mart” or “O-rama” in the title). It was chock-full of wealthy, beautifully attired, perfectly coiffed people who frequented the luxurious stores that surrounded us.

Since I had been cleaning my outdoor grill when it struck me that I needed to buy a gift, I didn’t look much like the prim and proper patrons around me. I looked more like the Maytag repairman, and my kids appeared as if they had just been plucked from the sand pile in our back court. Which they had. The shoppers’ genial smiles turned into looks of disapproval as they scrutinized our scruffy clothes, our home-cut hair, and our barely opposable thumbs.

Eventually the four of us found our way to the home center of a posh department store where they had on display the very present my wife had hinted she wanted—a variable speed blender, complete with pulse control. Soon, a perky clerk was wrapping up a bright red blender I had chosen in honor of Valentine’s Day. I knew that a household appliance wasn’t as romantic as, say, a diamond necklace, but you have to ask yourself: Can you whip up a batch of pureed spinach with a diamond necklace? I don’t think so.

Next, as the clock continued to run, the girls and I scampered out into the shopping center in search of an affordable card. Everything was so expensive. A simple card cost five bucks.

“Daddy,” Christine uttered, “don’t you think . . .”

“Shush,” I blurted as we hurried past one high-end store after another. “I need to find your mother a card.”

“I know,” Christine continued, “but . . .”

“No ifs-ands-or-buts about it. If I don’t find a card, I’m in trouble.”

Seeing that her sister was getting nowhere, three-year-old Becca asked: “Where’s baby Taylor?”

It was like being hit by a bucket of cold water. There in the hand that had once carried my son, was a package containing a variable-speed blender, complete with pulse-control. Where was baby Taylor?

“He’s back in that big store,” Christine offered as she pointed to the far end of the shopping center.

Egads. I had left my son in the middle of the blender display! In a flash I reversed course and headed back to the scene of the crime where I frantically tried to get into the store—repeatedly banging into a locked pair of massive glass doors.

“The place is closed,” explained an older gentleman walking by. “It’s Saturday night.”

“But I left my so . . .” I cut myself off midword. “But I left something inside.”

“You’ll have to go around back to the employee entrance,” the fellow explained.

Moments later the girls and I scurried along a terribly long wall while employees disgorged from a lone door at the far end of the building. The animated employees walking our way were all talking about some idiot who had . . . (well, you can guess). Then, as they saw me frantically hustling along with my two remaining kids in hand, they quickly concluded that I was the fool they had been bad-mouthing.

If looks could kill . . .

The best I could do was smile back lamely. I just wanted my son back.

Eventually my daughters and I found ourselves inside the building and standing next to a knot of folks who were cooing and making other baby noises while my son, still in his plastic container, smiled back politely. I searched for the proper words.

“Has anyone found a baby? It seems I’ve lost one.” No, that would land me in jail for sure.

“Funny thing, I came with three kids and now I only have two. Go figure.” Equally lame.

Eventually I blurted out, “You’ve found my son! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

Pointing out that they had found (rather than I had lost) my son appeared to take the edge off the pack of store clerks. Nevertheless, the lady in charge gave me a long, hard look before barking, “Do you think you can get him home without losing him?”

“I brought my Raggedy Ann,” Christine remarked as she held up her well-worn doll. “And I didn’t lose her.”

“Yes, dear and I’m very proud of you,” I muttered back. Then looking the authority figure directly in the eye I tersely proclaimed, “So, we’ll just be heading on home now.”

With this lame pronouncement fresh off my lips, I snatched up Taylor and retreated out of the massive building.

“Do we tell Mommy the secret?” Christine asked as we walked back to the car.

“No!” I blurted. “We mustn’t tell Mommy that I bought her a variable speed blender, complete with pulse control. It would spoil the surprise and we don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

“I mean. . . how you left Taylor in the middle of the store and then got locked out?”

I was doomed. There was no way I was going to be able to keep the two girls from tattling on me. And sure enough, a few minutes later when we pulled up in front of our apartment, the girls bolted from the car as they rushed to tell mom the exciting news. They kept the blender a secret, but not the fact that I had left their baby brother in a big, scary store. That part of our little escapade they told with great relish.

“You left him in the store and then got locked out?” Louise asked incredulously as I presented her a brightly-wrapped gift.

“True,” I explained, “but you haven’t had a chance to see the gift I bought for you. I was so focused on expressing my love for you with this truly special household item—complete with pulse control—that I lost focus for a second.”

“You didn’t lose focus,” Louise accused, “you lost Taylor!”

“I didn’t lose my Raggedy Ann,” Christine offered.

And so there you have it my friends—my present to you. Never again did I leave a child locked in a department store. I learned my lesson. I learned to stay focused on what really matters.

In addition, I freely admit to my idiocy. That’s the whole point of this story. One day when you’re feeling bad because you missed a deadline at work or maybe you were late picking up your daughter at soccer practice, think of me and my Valentine’s Day debacle. Compared to me, you’ll be a saint. And should a loved one become angry at you for not flossing your kids’ teeth adequately or keeping them from getting hurt on a see-saw, you can say: “True, I messed up. But at least I’m not as bad as that idiot who left his baby in the middle of a blender display!”

That’s my present to you.

Kerry Patterson Crucial Conversations, Kerrying On

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

Our organization took a hit last year and many people were laid off. I was lucky to stay but now I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work and responsibilities that I’m required to do in others’ absence. I don’t want to look like I can’t handle my workload and I especially don’t want to lose my job as a result of my complaints. How should I approach this tricky situation with my boss?

Signed,
The Survivor

You’re right to consider this a sensitive issue. If, when you leave this conversation, your boss thinks you’re ungrateful to be employed or a pain to have around, you have failed. Next time the ax swings, he or she may well say, “Hmmm . . . ‘Survivor’ seems to want a country club rather than a work place—let’s give him or her a LOT more free time.” That is clearly a bad outcome.

However, there is absolutely no reason you can’t have this crucial conversation—provided you approach it in a way that ensures your boss feels comfortable. In fact, if done right, this conversation will demonstrate even more powerfully why you should be at the bottom of any layoff list.

I highly recommend a new book called Indispensable by Monday written by Larry Myler. Larry’s research suggests there are fourteen behaviors that bosses prize highly in employees and that make them terribly reluctant to let these employees go. The good news is that the list of fourteen does not include sucking up, maintaining appearances, or “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” While these advantages may make a marginal difference, the most prized behavior for any employee comes when . . . drum roll . . . they bring in much more money than they cost.

Now, I’m not going to go into all the details of how any employee can have profit impact—irrespective of whether they are in a direct revenue role or a back office job. But I will suggest that the brilliance of Myler’s point is that if you frame the conversation with your boss in a way that shows your intention is to maximize your impact on your team and your company, you’re likely to find the freedom to raise any concerns you have.

So, here’s the question you must answer before you speak to your boss: What three to four things am I doing now as a result of layoffs that are distracting me from making my best and highest contribution to my team and company?

If you’re not careful, you’re likely to come across as a bureaucrat rather than a business person. If you come into the conversation with your list of gripes, complaining that you’re doing work that’s not in your job description, or that staffing levels are too low to keep up, you’re adding to your boss’s headaches without any compensating payoff. This isn’t about mutual purpose, it’s about your purpose. Unless your boss is a saint, he or she will likely feel put off and put upon by your approach. After all, your boss’s life probably got more complicated in the past year, too!

So, make a list of all the big tasks that fill most of your time, ask yourself the leverage question, then think about your team and the company’s best and highest use of your expertise. As you consider this question, you may want to take a peek at some of Myler’s fourteen suggestions for how you can make a more significant profit—or if you are in a government or nonprofit role, how you can make a more significant mission contribution. Use these fourteen behaviors to assess what your best and highest use is to the organization. Then prepare a proposal showing the benefit to the company if you decrease time in some lower leverage tasks—and how you might deal with the consequences of minimizing these tasks. For example, propose ways to free up time by any of the following approaches:

· Simplify
· Outsource
· Delegate
· Re-engineer
· Delay
· Eliminate

Now, don’t be disingenuous. Be honest that this will be good for the company and for you. Sympathize with your boss and others who are feeling the same pressures while candidly acknowledging that the added burden has distracted you from things that should be first priority.

My assistant, Joanne, approached me in exactly this way a couple of years ago. She was clearly distraught because quality was slipping in some areas due to her ballooning responsibilities. I knew from her work habits that this conversation had nothing to do with her looking for a serene and contemplative work life. It was about survival—and quality. She carefully detailed the tasks she thought made the biggest contribution. I was putty in her hands because she understood my needs so well that I had no disagreement with her list. Then she continued, “If I continue to do X, Y, and Z—I won’t be able to improve my response time and quality in these areas. At least that’s how it appears to me. If you can see something I’m missing, please tell me. I don’t want to shirk my work.” I couldn’t say a thing, other than, “We’ve got to either eliminate those tasks, or find other ways to get them done.”

She let out a sigh and said, “That’s my proposal too.”

We implemented all of her ideas, and she walked out of my office having convinced me that she was worth far more than what we pay her. Hopefully, someday, we’ll catch up on that!

Best wishes!
Joseph

Joseph Grenny Crucial Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kerry Patterson is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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Listen to Kerrying On via MP3
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You can’t live in a community nowadays without it happening to you once in a while. Of course, how you respond to the assault depends on where you reside. Comedian David Brenner describes the difference in approach. He says that if you live on the east coast, you say something snide and tell the offender to beat it. If you live out west, you turn to the person you’re with and complain under your breath. But you never say anything directly to the offender.

And what is this crime we’ve all suffered? Line cutting. You’re patiently waiting your turn to buy tickets when suddenly, a selfish cur has the nerve to violate all that is good and proper and cuts in front of you—as if you’re not even there. Do these people think they’re better than you? Maybe their time is more important than yours. Is that it? These are the things you think to yourself if you live in Seattle. If you live in New York, you shout these words to inconsiderate line cutters.

I live in the west where, if Brenner’s right, we mostly stay mum—but not because we’re nice or gentle. The people I know clam up because they don’t want to appear rude or break any social norms. In extreme cases, they don’t like the odds they’re facing. Anyone brazen enough to cut in line might also be aggressive enough to punch you in the nose should you point out their peccadillo—although I’m fairly sure those who do speak their minds don’t use the word “peccadillo.”

So here’s the big question: Is there a reasonable way to deal with people who violate social norms such as line cutting? Surely there’s an effective strategy that falls somewhere between the violence of name-calling and the silence of whispering insults. And if there is, could the average person learn the method and then teach it to others?

These were the questions I wanted to answer as I gathered a group of grad students to work on a research project back in the fall of 1980. To kick off our study, we established a base-line measure. We would cut into a variety of lines and observe what people actually did. The very first day we cut into fifty different lines and nobody said a word. People made faces or quietly complained to the person next to them, but nobody actually confronted the line cutter.

Having established that our neighbors were unwilling to speak up to a norm-breaking stranger, we moved ahead with our study. For the next phase we placed a graduate student from our research team in a line. After fifteen minutes, another grad student (also from our team) cut in front of the first student. Our confederate in the queue then abruptly said, “Hey bozo, don’t butt into line! The end’s back there” (pointing menacingly toward the back). After this short, terse comment, the line-cutting grad student apologized and headed to the back of the line.

Now for the interesting part. We’d wait five minutes and then cut in front of the person who had been standing directly behind our outspoken grad student. Would the research subject mimic the direct, although somewhat obnoxious script he or she had just seen? We had demonstrated an interaction that worked. The crass line cutter went to the back of the line. Would such results, despite the abrasive nature of the script, embolden the observer?

In a word, no. Our grad student told the “bozo” to get to the end of the line fifty times and in fifty different locations—but not one person who observed the interaction spoke up. As we had hypothesized, the moderately violent approach we had demonstrated was exactly what people were trying to avoid. They didn’t want to act and look rude, so they remained silent.

Next we repeated the experiment, only this time we armed the grad student standing in line with a more socially acceptable script. Our research confederate stated politely, “I’m sorry. Perhaps you’re unaware. We’ve been standing in line for over fifteen minutes.” As before, the line cutter apologized and went to the end of the line. Once again, we waited five minutes and then cut in front of the person who had just observed the interaction.

Did the more pleasant script provide an alternative the research subjects standing in line would actually use? Drum roll please.

It certainly did. Eighty-five percent of the time, the subject who had observed the more pleasant script spoke up—usually using the exact words he or she had heard: “I’m sorry, perhaps you’re unaware. We’ve been standing in line for over fifteen minutes.” When provided with a healthy alternative to silence or violence, research subjects embraced the new script and used it the first chance they had.

As this study shows, people can and do learn new scripts by observing others in action. In fact, it’s how we learn just about everything we say and do in social settings. However, unlike our line-cutting study, social scripts are rarely taught purposefully and directly. But what if this were to change? What if this year, each of us, along with our promise to get fit or stop spending so much, vowed to teach our friends, children, and direct reports effective interpersonal scripts?

For instance, a person who reports to you cares deeply about a recent change in policy. She brings up her opinion in your weekly team meeting. As she expresses her view she pushes too hard. She overstates her position, uses inflammatory language, insults those who disagree with her, and otherwise turns the group against her.

As her leader, this provides you with a wonderful chance to offer individual coaching. At the end of the meeting you talk directly with your direct report about her stance and how you supported her view—right up until the point she called everyone who disagreed with her a cretin. You explain how her approach actually turned people against her. And then you role-play the scene again—only using more effective skills. Under your careful coaching, your direct report tentatively states her view by using terms such as “perhaps,” and “I wonder.” Equally important, she asks others for their point of view and then listens.

Let’s extend this recommendation. What if you and a million other people vowed to do the same thing? That is, they agree to “play it forward”? They don’t pay it forward—it’s not an act of service that can be passed on to others, but they play it forward—it’s a social skill that can be done in acts under the guidance of a director. People conduct mini-plays where they model effective social behavior—exemplifying skills that fall between silence and violence. Equally important, when someone they know and love moves to either silence or violence, they sit down with the offending party and play out the script in a new, more effective way.

Just think about the possible impact. For instance, what if parents modeled and practiced interpersonal skills with their offspring a thousand times before their kids hit puberty? Imagine, if in addition to driving their kids to gymnastics and oboe lessons, parents built social instruction into their daily conversation—just as often, just as seriously, and just as skillfully as someone teaching music lessons? What would the world be like if part of growing up was growing socially wise?

Now all of this playing it forward would be unnecessary if we were actually skilled at speaking our mind. And maybe we are. After all, it’s been thirty years since we completed our original line-cutting research, right?

To see where we stand today, Joseph Grenny’s son replicated the study a couple years back and uncovered the same discouraging results. Nobody said anything when the ten-year-old cut in front of people standing in line. Since he was so young and people might have been reluctant to speak up to someone so small and vulnerable, he eventually asked his mom to butt in line for him. After twenty-five cases where nobody uttered a word, finally a woman tapped our research mother on the shoulder and spoke her piece.

“Who does your hair?” she asked with a smile.

It seems conclusive. When confronted by inappropriate behavior we either blow up or clam up.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to choose between two unhealthy options. Not if we play it forward.

Kerry Patterson Crucial Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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Dear Crucial Skills,

One of my coworkers has refused to communicate with me in any way for more than a year, but I don’t know what I did to offend her. I spoke to the office manager and my immediate supervisor regarding the situation, but they told me I should not confront her. Now it is very difficult to go to work each day because several of my coworkers ignore me and exclude me from meetings, lunch invitations, and more. What should I do?

Ignored

 Dear Ignored,

Iced out. The silent treatment. The cold shoulder. Brrrrrrrrrrrr.

This is the extreme form of going to silence and is a common strategy we use in dealing with each other. Not only have most of us experienced the silent treatment, but most of us have also used this strategy to protect ourselves or manipulate others into trying to get what we want.

Many of us have experienced first-hand the awful consequences of yelling, screaming, and even physical violence. As a result, we have vowed not to allow violence to be part of our repertoire. When we encounter a crucial conversation, we eschew violence and engage in silence, believing that we are choosing a more virtuous path. Unfortunately, when we do this, we are fooling ourselves.

Silence is a hurtful strategy. At best, by avoiding a subject and making it an “undiscussable,” we assure problems will not be resolved and will likely fester or get worse. Giving someone the silent treatment can also convey a painful message: you are not worth the effort it takes to talk with you. You are worthless. This message—whether intentional or not—can be devastating and play upon a person’s deepest fears.

The situation you describe at work seems beyond petty and is certainly dysfunctional. The fact that the silent treatment you are receiving extends beyond a single coworker suggests a conspiracy and is more than working through a single relationship. In especially tough situations, our tendency can be to see ourselves as victims of the situation and of others. We also tend to assume that we have no options. Overcome this victim story by asking yourself, “What can I do right now to move toward what I really want?” The answer to this question is “the rest of the story” that you are not considering. By considering other perspectives you can escape any victim stories you may be telling yourself.

What can you do? You have at least three options:

1. If you don’t like your current situation, change it.
2. If you can’t change your situation, remove yourself from it.
3. If the cost of removing yourself from the situation is too high, decide how you can cope with it in a healthy, helpful way.

If you decide to work on changing the situation, I recommend you hold a crucial conversation with your supervisor and office manager. You initially involved them, but their solution is not working so you should return to them. Factually describe the gap between what is happening and what you would expect to happen in an efficient, effective work team. Share the consequences of your coworkers’ behavior on productivity and quality of work, on others on the team, and on yourself. Ask for your leaders’ help in changing the situation. It might require a team meeting where you have a crucial conversation with your coworkers. In this meeting, talk openly about what is happening. Identify the behaviors you see and ask your coworkers why they are behaving in this manner.

Have you said or done something that caused problems or offense? Be open. Listen. Honestly diagnose the cause. Share the consequences as you see them. Seek resolution and agreement as to how you will all interact going forward.

If you cannot get a satisfactory resolution, can you transfer to another work unit? Can you leave this job and go to a more healthy work environment? If so, begin planning your exit.

If this option is too drastic or does not provide a better situation, how can you cope with an unhealthy situation in a healthy way? Can you see this as a long-term influence effort where you will continue to seek mutual purpose and be unconditionally respectful to others, with the intent to help, not hurt? Can you see their silence as their problem and continue to do your job in a satisfying manner? Can you continue to grow in your job and career and find fulfillment even if your coworkers don’t invite you to lunch? Can you be happy and healthy in the short-term, even as you develop long-term solutions to the current situation?

Intentionally avoiding tough conversations and “freezing” others out is dysfunctional; it hurts relationships and team results. Do not accept such a situation as a “given.” You do not control others, but you do control your response to others. Choose to be an influencer. Influence for the better—both others and yourself.

All the best,
Ron

Ron McMillan Crucial Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kerry Patterson is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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  Dear Crucial Skills,

I read Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations and have tried to implement the skills in the books, but I still have a hard time dealing with accusations. The problem is that the first instinct when someone accuses you is to restore safety or use contrasting to solve the misunderstanding, but the accuser does not seem to be affected by those actions. Instead, they continue to draw incorrect conclusions about you or something you did. I’m sure a lot of people experience this same issue. What am I missing here and what is the best way to reply to someone who wrongly accuses you?

Struggling with Accusations

 Dear Struggling,

Thank you for raising this important issue. Over the years, we’ve taught a variety of skills in our books and training, but only rarely have we written scripts or shot video examples where the conversation starts with the other person accusing you. Of course, not all accusations are alike. It might feel more like a slight chiding or a gentle reminder. In this rather innocuous case, you can assess the feedback and adjust accordingly.

However, I believe the accusation you have in mind is more akin to a tense, sharply delivered statement that not only accuses you of malfeasance, but feels like an attack. As you fall under a verbal assault—say one that questions your reliability, integrity, or talent—it’s likely you’ll become angry in return. When this happens, your natural response to what feels like a mild physical threat is to move from your “know” to your “go” system and react in a defensive and also stupid way.

If you allow your “go” system to take charge, you will indeed, be less controlled and logical than is optimal for the circumstances and become blinded to most rational thought. In addition, when someone questions your character, it serves as an emotional accelerant. Between the perceived threat to your safety and the apparent attack on your character, you’re now pumping adrenaline, thinking with the most basic part of your brain, and neck deep in a shouting match or worse.

To best respond to an accusation or attack, start by dealing with your own growing anger. Cut it off before the adrenaline slips into your blood stream. Take a deep breath and reinterpret the attack, not as a threat to your safety—unless it actually is, in which case you need to exit—but as a misunderstanding that has caused the other person to become frustrated or maybe even angry with you. This switch helps you turn from being angry—you’ve judged them as bad and wrong and deserving of a good tongue lashing—to becoming curious.

When you become genuinely curious, you reignite your center for logic and reason and turn off your anger response. Now you want to know exactly why the other person drew such a harsh conclusion about you. Instead of an emotional defender, you’re now a relatively calm detective trying to get to the source of the other person’s anger.

The mystery you’re trying to solve is the following: “What exactly did I do that led you to that conclusion?” You’ll have to search for the answer because as soon as others become upset they’re very likely to lead with their conclusions or accusations against your character. It’s now your job to get to the behavior behind the accusation.

You may be tempted to start with a contrasting statement, but you’ll have to be careful not to end up with a correcting statement masked as a contrasting one. For example, “You say I can’t be trusted, but I believe you’re wrong!” (Bad) Or, “I didn’t intend to make you angry. I was just trying to do my job.” (Better, but it still sounds defensive) Instead of starting with a contrasting statement, become a detective. Probe to find out the source of the other person’s anger. For instance, “I’m not sure what I did that led you to conclude I can’t be trusted. Could you tell me exactly where I went wrong?”

Say this with sincerity laced with concern, but remain focused on the science. What were your actual behaviors? By searching for the facts and avoiding the conclusions, it allows the other person to share his or her complete view of the circumstances. This serves two important purposes. The accuser will have time to calm down—the adrenaline doesn’t go away in an instant—and you will learn more about the details of the situation.

In addition, when angry, the other person really wants to make sure he or she has been heard and understood. So, repeat back the details of the description to ensure you have them right. Continue to probe for your action behind the conclusion. Left to their own, many people just move from sharing one conclusion to sharing another. Try something like: “So you think I was selfish? What part of what I did seemed selfish to you?”

As the other person begins to share the details of the precipitating event, avoid the temptation to correct any of their statements of fact until you’ve earned the right to do so. By thoughtfully and carefully listening to his or her ugly and angry conclusions and eventually getting to the underlying facts, you’re now to the point where you can add your views. Take care; this puts you at risk once again. Don’t start with your corrections to his or her facts. Instead, explain how you can see how the other person might have come to his or her conclusion, but you have a different view on the matter. Start by sharing the elements you agree with and then point out how you see certain elements differently. This may be the time when you share your honest intentions: e.g., you weren’t trying to make this person look bad in front of the boss, you were simply trying to lend a hand.

Because you’ve taken care to sort out the facts, thoughtfully listen, allow the anger to subside, and tactfully share your view, you’re finally ready to engage in honest dialogue. But know this process takes time and patience. Left to your own proclivities, you may want to fight back. This will fuel the fires of anger and is likely to confirm the other person’s existing poor conclusions about you. Become a concerned detective, not a defender.

All the best,
Kerry

Kerry Patterson Crucial Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Al Switzler is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

Over the past six months, I have had several confrontations with a coworker. I admit the reasons for the confrontations are mostly my fault. However, instead of approaching me and handling these situations with me, my coworker constantly complains about me to our boss.

I am frustrated that my coworker cannot talk to me about these issues without getting management involved. I want to explain to my coworker that we can talk about our differences directly, but I am afraid I will say or do the wrong thing again and will be back in my boss’s office explaining my behavior. I considered not having this conversation with my coworker, but the situation is growing uncomfortable and makes it very difficult to work together. Can you please share some advice on how to have this conversation with my coworker?

Frustrated

 Dear Frustrated,

Many of us can identify with your frustration—and kudos for acknowledging your role in the problem. As you consider your options, it is important to realize that the stakes are high because you and your coworker are interdependent and your boss is now involved. And the same could be said if other coworkers were involved. In either case, someone is put in a position of choosing sides or trying to ignore the situation, and working together becomes more and more difficult.

The difficult and awkward situation you’ve shared here should motivate all of us to have our crucial confrontations or conversations early and with safety. When we don’t hold the conversations or we hold them badly, our relationships and results suffer, just as you are now experiencing.

As I have pondered your situation, I’ve struggled with what to focus on. Your problem is complex, of some duration, and serious, so I’ve been concerned my advice will miss something or oversimplify. With that said, I want to talk about a few steps you might consider.

First, don’t ever consider NOT having the conversation. While this option is tempting, avoiding the problem will not help. Issues will continue to fester and the relationship will continue to sour. So, what steps can you take to ensure the conversation goes well? Here are a few suggestions:

Analyze: I suggest you reflect on the conversations you’ve had with your coworker. Write them down verbatim, to the extent you can remember. When you’ve finished, go back and ask yourself: “What did I do that worked? What did I do that didn’t work? What was I thinking when I said or did that? What intentions or motives were present at the moment when things went wrong?” Such an analysis leads to the next step.

Prepare: Ask yourself a few questions: “What can I do differently next time to make things better? How can I better start the conversation? How can I make it safe for my coworker? How can I deal with the thoughts or emotions I had that were not helpful? What can I say or do differently?” Record your answers, then rehearse the conversation a few times. During this analysis, pinpoint the conversation you need to have.

I’d be willing to bet the conversation you need to hold now is not the conversation you had in the past. It seems like you need to have a conversation about not talking to one another. Plan how you’ll invite your coworker to engage in dialogue with you. Plan the words. Plan where you’ll meet, and plan to keep it private. Also, plan your apology—apologize for what you’ve done in the past and share your intention that you’d like to work this out so you can have a good working relationship moving forward.

Practice: We often practice sales pitches or informational presentations, but we don’t practice some of the conversations that matter most in our lives. After you’ve analyzed what you’ve done in the past and what you will do better in the future, and after you’ve outlined a plan for accomplishing your goals, find a friend—preferably someone who is not on your team at work. This friend should serve as a practice “coach.” Make sure your coach understands the situation and then ask him or her to role play with you various scenarios of the conversation.

What if your coworker says it really isn’t a big deal—but you know better? Practice. What if he or she gets emotional? What if you get emotional? What will you say or do? Practice. When you have practiced holding the conversation well, you will have increased motivation and ability to actually have a conversation that is vital.

Lastly, as a part of your practice, consider your options for if the conversation doesn’t work out as planned. What will you do? Will you ask to have another conversation? Will you ask a third party to mediate your conversation? Will you ask the boss to help? I don’t know what the details are, so I don’t know what your strategy should or will be. But I do know that anticipating and planning for the options can help you make good choices in the heat of a crucial conversation.

So, of the many bits of advice I could have offered, I suggested that you analyze, prepare, and practice. When you do this, you can increase your competence and your confidence.

Best wishes,
Al

Al Switzler Crucial Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kerry Patterson is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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Last month, I wrote about the Patterson family Christmas of 1956. I shared how I was able to find joy during a time when we had few, if any, presents or other “things.” Many of you wrote back that the tale reminded you of similar times where you too were able to stumble on Christmas despite your challenging financial circumstances. Thank you for your kind and heart-warming reaction.

One of you wrote that after sharing the story with a friend, she replied that she had already received four similar stories that lauded the joys associated with poverty—and if this were true, why don’t we seek poverty all of the time? I can understand the response. The last thing I wanted to suggest was that the poverty itself was something worth seeking.

I’m reminded of when I was first married and attending graduate school in Palo Alto, California. Each week my wife, three children, and I went to church with a couple dozen other young struggling student couples along with a hundred or so wealthy congregants who lived on the edge of campus. These folks of extraordinary means would leave their estates in the foothills and drive their luxury German cars to church where they would then tell those of us who were living in tiny boxes called student housing just how lucky we were. They would most sincerely explain—often with tears in their eyes—how they fondly remembered their college years and recalled them as the best time of their life.

My reaction was predictable. “Really?” I thought to myself. “These are the best years? I study endlessly. I have very little time left for recreation or hobbies. Every month I worry about making ends meet. When our old jalopy breaks down, we go without something in order to pay for the repair. These are the best years of my life? Tell me it isn’t so!”

Some thirty years later, when my church assignment had me speaking to a group of young married college students, I listened intently as other older speakers shared the predictable message of “These are the best years of your life!” When it came my turn to speak, I stood up and said, “I’ve had money and I’ve not had money, and to be frank—I prefer having money.” (This brought a chuckle.)

“And as far as college years being the best years of my life, I do remember how great it was to be young and energetic and studying full time with some of the world’s best thinkers. I recall playing with my children between classes and then catching the campus bus for a ride to the psychology building where I listened to the world-famous scholar Solomon Asch as he reviewed his earlier studies of compliance and independence. As I sat and took in the words of the world’s best, I knew how lucky I was.

“I also remember the unrelenting stress of not having enough money—of not being able to give my children as much as I would have liked—the missed lessons, the thinner coats, the oatmeal instead of eggs. In fact, when I finally finished six years of graduate school, took a job, and we bought and cooked our very first chuck roast, my kids fought over who got the drumstick. They didn’t know any better. All they had ever eaten was chicken.”

So, some of the aspects of those college years were indeed wonderful, other aspects . . . not so much. With this in mind, I want to affirm that I never intended my story as an endorsement of poverty. I only wanted to say that even when times are tough (and yes, tough times come with sacrifices and suffering), you can still find joy in the simple things.

This has certainly been true for me. Going into this season, I can already tell you what my favorite memories will be. They won’t be the gifts sitting wrapped under my tree at home. They’ll be the memories of the time I’ve spent with loved ones—playing games, telling stories, and sharing hand-made gifts.

I’m already working on this. At our recent family Christmas party, we gathered at my daughter Christine’s house and sang carols and played games while the young cousins shared simple presents. As promised, I read the story of our 1956 Christmas, and at the end, I gave each of my children and grandchildren a small package of peanut brittle my wife and I had just made. It’s a memory I’ll cherish forever.

We also ooh-ed and ahh-ed over a hand-crafted alphabet book one granddaughter had made for her 18-month-old cousin; and everyone applauded and cheered as another granddaughter read a poem she had carefully composed on the computer. The poem described the joys of the season as viewed through the eyes of a nine-year-old. As I sat and took in her innocent words of wonder and encouragement, I couldn’t have been more proud.

So no, I don’t encourage poverty as a means of finding the true holiday spirit. But I do stand by the claim that often, the things that matter most can be shared by all. Time devoted to thoughtful conversation, stories told across generations, and acts of unconditional love are all free. They’re also as precious as gold.

My colleagues and I have created a holiday e-card to thank you for your support and association with our newsletter, training courses, and other services. View it now!

Kerry Patterson Crucial Conversations, Kerrying On

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Maxfield is coauthor of the New York Times bestseller, Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I am a physician and I have to admit that, although I am respectful toward my patients, I have great difficulty when I am dealing with fellow physicians and nurses who, in my opinion, don’t seem to know basic skills to care for our patients.

My frustration with their ignorance often manifests itself not necessarily in the words I choose, but more in the way I voice my opinions and in the tone of my voice. I am dealing with people’s lives and am frequently pushed to go too fast. Often I am sleep deprived or emotionally exhausted. These things make it even harder to be as respectful as I would like to be with colleagues.

I totally understand that my lack of respect just makes the situation worse, but I don’t know how to deal with ignorance in people who I think should know better and who often have egos that prevent them from listening very well. Please help.

Dr. M

Dear Dr. M,

Thank you for writing such an open and revealing letter. It’s clear you’ve thought deeply about this concern, and your good intentions shine through. I see three elements to your situation:

1. Crucial Moments: In key situations, you are both emotionally exhausted as well as in the middle of a high-stakes medical issue.
2. Primed Stories: You’ve become especially sensitive to certain problems: caregivers who “should know better” or “have egos that prevent them from listening.”
3. Visible Actions: You show your frustration—not in your word choice, but in the way you voice your opinions and the tone of your voice.

I can imagine I might do the same. And yet, as you note, these lapses just make the situation worse.

You’re already motivated to maintain a respectful relationship and you already control your choice of words. However, you realize your frustrations are seeping through anyway and damaging relationships. What more can you do? Here are four tips you might try.

1. Identify the crucial moments. The more you can do to recognize when you’re in these moments, the more prepared you will be. Take a pen and paper and map out when, where, and with whom you are most likely to experience these crucial moments. Focus on the moments where you are most at risk of being disrespectful to others.

2. Apply the skill “master my stories.” It sounds as if, when you are emotionally exhausted, you are especially apt to use “villain stories“—to interpret others’ actions in a negative way. And when you judge others, the verdict shows on your face.

James Gross, the head of Stanford’s psychophysiology lab, is the leading researcher in a field called “emotional control.” According to Gross, we control our emotions in two very different ways. One way is to suppress them—we rage inside, but keep our faces calm. Gross explains that this approach results in immediate cardiovascular costs as well as a variety of long-term negative impacts. Living your life behind a mask is not good for you. In Crucial Conversations, we call this “going to silence.”

The second way we control our emotions is through reappraising the events that have made us angry and re-evaluating the situation. This second strategy is the “master my stories” approach we teach in Crucial Conversations. Gross says people who use this approach are more successful in controlling their emotions, as well as happier and healthier over the long term.

So, what do you do? Right now, while you’re calm and relaxed, ask yourself the following questions: “Do I really believe the people I get frustrated with ’should know better’ and ‘have egos that prevent them from listening’? Or are my stories symptoms of the pressure-filled moments and emotional exhaustion?”

If the problems are real, address them using your crucial conversations skills. But don’t wait until the crucial moment, when you are exhausted. Instead, select a time when you can have high-quality dialogue.

If you decide your stories have more to do with the pressure of the situation and your exhaustion, ask yourself how you would like to handle these frustrating moments. Assume the caregivers around you are reasonable, rational, and decent and that they are trying to do the right thing. Then ask yourself, “What can I do to help them help my patient?”

3. Prepare before the situation. It’s always harder to use these skills in the heat of the moment. So establish a rule for yourself and decide now what you will do and say when you find yourself in that situation. For example, if I’m in one of my crucial moments and feel intensely frustrated, I will say, “I know we both want what’s best for the patient. Let’s each share our perspective.” Create a rule, pick the words that will work for you, and write them down.

Establishing these if/then rules in advance is very powerful, especially when the moments you need them involve a lot of stress and competing demands. They work in two ways. First, they highlight the crucial moments, making it more likely you’ll recognize these moments when you’re in them. Second, they help you move from “consciously competent” to “unconsciously competent.” Instead of having to think about and make decisions in the moment, you act on the decisions you’ve made in advance. (Peter Gollwitzer at NYU has published several interesting studies showing how these rules work).

4. Enlist support. Ask your colleagues to help you recognize when you’re starting to go over the edge. An anesthesiologist I respect told his team, “In general, please call me by my first name, Jim. But if you think I’m becoming intimidating or not listening, then call me Dr. Smith. That will be our signal.” I like this cue because it’s subtle and respectful. Making this request is also a powerful way of convincing people that you really want to do what’s right.

I hope these ideas help. Let me know how it goes.

David

David Maxfield Crucial Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Al Switzler is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.

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Dear Crucial Skills,
As a result of recent layoffs at our company, there is a lot of distrust between our management team and senior leadership. We’ve all been through Crucial Conversations Training. How can I use crucial conversations skills to rebuild trust and get the two groups talking again?

Two Groups Talking

 Dear Two Groups,

Thank you for your timely question. For many, this scenario also occurs in the home as people struggle to build trust between a spouse or a child. When a crisis happens and choices are made that we may or may not agree with, it can be difficult to rebuild trust and get two groups or individuals to hold productive dialogue.

To answer your question, let me first review some important concepts and then provide a few suggestions.

Concept #1: In our thirty years of research and observation, one of the key findings we’ve uncovered is that all relationships, teams, families, and organizations have problems. The difference between the good and the best is not how many problems they have, but rather, how they resolve those problems.

Holding crucial conversations is about rapidly and respectfully resolving problems. And yet, as you’ve experienced, in tough times people often feel compelled to solve a problem rapidly, but at the expense of respect. Sometimes they do this because of urgencies, sometimes it’s just their style. Either way, this rapid and disrespectful approach causes others to disagree and lose trust. Layoffs certainly fit in that category as well as budget cuts, spending decisions, outbreaks of anger, and lack of involvement.

Concept #2: When held well, a crucial conversation can help you catch problems early, maximize input, make better decisions, and take more committed action.

When crucial conversations are avoided, distrust builds on both sides of an issue. As that distrust continues to rise, confidence or interest in quickly holding the very conversations that could help also decreases. So beware of avoiding the very crucial conversations your team may be facing for too long.

Suggestion #1: Meet with your team to talk through the issues ASAP.

As you’ve all been through Crucial Conversations Training, begin your dialogue with some key questions: “What do we really want: for us, for senior leadership, for our relationship?” “What should we do right now to get what we really want?”

I imagine that what some team members want is an apology or an assurance that their jobs are safe, or that they will not be kept in the dark and surprised if more changes arise. Also ask these key questions: “What are the key reasons for the feelings of mistrust?” “What do we really want going forward?”

Suggestion #2: As a team, identify the things you need to work on.

What do you and your team members need to do to build trust within your group? What do you need to do to build trust with the senior leadership team? Often agreeing and living a few specific behavioral commitments, or ground rules, will help the team see they can trust each other to make and keep commitments. Here are a couple of examples of commitments you can make:

1. We will keep confidential what is spoken in confidence.
2. We will speak well of all colleagues and coworkers regardless of level or department, and if we have an issue we will speak to the individual privately and respectfully.

After you have made these commitments, regularly ask each other how you are doing, what has gone well, and what you need to improve on. Too frequently, we have agreements about budget or work behaviors, but not about teaming behaviors. Several weeks of setting and living these ground rules can help build trust within the team.

Suggestion #3: Recognize your role in building trust and improving relationships.

Instead of asking, “What should senior leadership do?” ask “What can we do to improve our relationship with senior leadership?” Also remember to master your stories and ask “Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person act in the way they did?” Remember that when it matters most, we often do our worst. If your team will give senior leadership the benefit of the doubt and conclude that maybe the company’s financial standing is more complex than they realize, then you can, with mutual purpose, invite your boss or members of the senior leadership team to dialogue. Your purpose in this conversation is to reach a mutual understanding. The apology or the assurance that some employees are looking for may not be forthcoming, but if you engage in a process that is built on mutual purpose and is safe for all parties, you’ll make progress.

This advice is equally applicable to personal or family relationships. Crises, bad behaviors, or ineffective decisions can damage trust in these familial relationships. Often, an appropriate and sincere apology is enough begin dialogue.

When there is an opportunity for a crucial conversation, there are only three options: avoid it, face it and hold it badly, or face it and handle it well. The most common problem is avoidance. Silence and time cure so very few issues. If you can put issues on the table and work at resolving them rapidly and respectfully, then trust is likely to increase.

Best wishes,
Al

Al Switzler Crucial Conversations

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ron McMillan is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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Dear Crucial Skills,

My husband and I are friends with a couple who is experiencing financial difficulty related to a job loss. When they confided in us that they would be moving out of their rented home and looking for a small one-bedroom apartment, we told them they could live rent-free in our home for six months.

Since then, we have seen their poor money management and given them budgeting software, but they continue to spend without focus. I recently asked if they were caught up and able to start saving, but they were evasive and only said “almost.” My husband is reluctant to tell them how to manage their money but I feel like unless they get their act together, they will not be able to get out of debt. They desperately need financial counseling. What do I do?

Feeling Stuck

 Dear Stuck,

I applaud you and your husband for your caring outreach to a couple in need. They’re lucky to have such kind and good friends. It appears the struggle with their finances is continuing in spite of your kindness and willingness to help.

Some of the most painful relationship problems I have personally wrestled with are those where a friend or loved one is unwilling to make the changes needed to keep from hurting or destroying themselves.

When we see loved ones struggling with severe problems, whether it’s a vile drug addiction or rudderless wandering after dropping out of college, we eventually have to recognize that we can’t force our opinions, actions, or experiences on others. They are free to live their life as they choose.

That being the case, you do need to make a critical decision whether to disengage from your friend’s problem and hope they take corrective action soon, or to initiate an effort to help them solve their problem. You should not allow the current living situation to continue. To allow them to continue to stay rent free beyond the agreed upon six months would only empower their weakness and contribute to their problem.

I encourage you to have a crucial conversation that might go something like this, “Friends, we invited you to live rent free in our home for six months and I want to remind you that there are three months remaining to make other arrangements.” This statement clarifies your expectations and will help to make sure they don’t assume the deadline will be extended.

Next, offer to be a resource with an invitation, “We have given you budgeting software and would be happy to help you set it up or to give you any advice and suggestions. We would also be willing to suggest a financial advisor who could consult with you regarding your situation.”

If they take you up on your invitation to help, be clear about what you’re willing to do. At this point, you must balance your desire to be of assistance with the dangers of enabling their problem with money management to continue. Decide in advance what your limits are. Are you willing to give them money? Are you willing to loan them money? Are you willing to extend their stay? Once you have determined your course of action, make your offer to help part of your problem-solving conversation.

If they don’t accept your invitation to help, move to action by deciding who does what by when. “If you change your mind, let us know. Also, could we meet the first of next month? At that time, can you tell us what your plans are going forward?” This will create clear accountability and firm up mutual expectations.

The key to effective problem-solving is to make sure you follow up. Holding them accountable to your agreement becomes the mechanism to help them solve their problem while also making sure their problem doesn’t become your problem.

When we are dealing with friends and family, we often want to help in the worst way. Sadly, we often choose the worst way to help. We protect others from the natural consequences of their actions. For example, we offer money when their money management skills are the problem. These enabling actions only ensure that their problems will continue.

Helping in productive ways and holding others accountable to agreements is the best foundation for needed life changes. Have the courage to be a friend and not an accomplice.

All the best,
Ron

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Ron McMillan Crucial Conversations