Dear Crucial Skills,

I am struggling to regain my supervisor’s trust. I have made some errors—of omission, mainly—and have been written up. There are some extenuating circumstances such as an ill parent and my own depression and anxiety, but the bottom line is that my supervisor expects me to do my job.

She is micromanaging me now—searching for errors. I am afraid of losing my job, so I am always looking over my shoulder, wondering what she will find next. Fear and anxiety can create more mistakes, and I’m afraid I’ve created a dangerous pattern.

What else can I do to regain her confidence and trust and get out from under the microscope?

Trying to be Trustworthy

 Dear Trying,

Thanks for your brave question. You’ve already avoided two mistakes that keep many of us stuck. You’ve accepted that you aren’t perfect, and you aren’t blaming others for your problems. You are taking responsibility, and that puts you on the right track. I think I can help.

Examine your story. You are telling yourself a very anxiety-provoking story—that your supervisor has you under a microscope, searching for errors, with the intent of firing you. Are you sure this story is correct? Interrogate your story by asking two questions: “Do I really have all the facts I need to be sure my story is correct?” and “Is there any other story that could fit this same set of facts?”

In particular, ask yourself whether you are misreading your supervisor’s motives. We humans tend to see the worst, rather than the best, in others’ motives. This bias is so common that psychologists have given it a name, the fundamental attribution error. What if you are wrong about your supervisor’s motives? What if your supervisor is rooting for you to succeed and sees her micromanagement as “helpful coaching”?

Clarify your intentions. It’s also possible your supervisor has misread your motives, so make them clear. Draw a line between your past errors and your new situation. Sometimes, an apology can be a good way to draw this line and make it clear that your motives are aligned with hers. In addition, do your best to remove any lingering doubts your supervisor might have about the extenuating circumstances you’ve described. Explain how you’ve resolved or stabilized them so they won’t undermine your work going forward.

Take the initiative. Act as if your supervisor is providing helpful coaching, and become the eager learner who is striving to reach perfection. When she searches for errors in your work, tell yourself she is trying to help and make an effort to learn from her. Use these times to ask her about her priorities, and to offer your help. Use this period to hone your craft and become the very best at your job.

Trust comes from sacrifice. Here is the hard part. Meeting the requirements of your job won’t be enough to create the trust you want from your supervisor. Personal trust comes from going “above and beyond” what is required—from making a personal sacrifice to showing your support for your boss’s goals. Often, this sacrifice is of time, effort, or other priorities. For you, it might mean volunteering to do a job nobody likes to do, spending extra time on a task that needs to be done, or getting up to speed on a skill that’s difficult to master. Work to create a reputation for doing more than what’s required.

I hope these ideas are helpful. Do other readers have ideas that could help? If so, please share your ideas in the comments below.

David

Practice changes are an everyday reality in the life of a healthcare provider. Clients, patients, and residents are more knowledgeable and expect care that is evidence-informed. All change creates some kind of emotional response. If the recommended change challenges staff members’ long-held assumptions and cherished beliefs, it may create frustration and moral distress. It may feel like the research negates years of tradition. For example, one of our units recently reflected on best practices for reducing patient falls and use of restraints, and practice changes have required a significant shift in staff behaviors and attitudes.

Don Ewert, Coordinator, Veterans Care, and I recently collaborated on ways to enhance the success of practice change by using an approach grounded in principles from VitalSmarts’ training. We used the skills from Crucial Conversations to achieve the organization’s vital behaviors of speaking up, holding each other accountable, and asking for help whenever concerned about safety, quality of care or service, and/or quality of work life.

Getting unstuck begins with our awareness of discomfort with the practice change. Our emotional response helps us to gauge whether we have a difference of opinion about the desired change, or whether we fear the stakes are high (maybe I won’t be able to do it). Starting with Heart reminds us that those promoting the practice change and those who put the change into practice usually have good intentions. By suspending judgment, admitting our biases, being open to new possibilities, and recognizing the role of Villain, Victim, or Helpless behavior, we Master Our Stories so that we can be fully engaged in the change process.

Stating Our Path requires us to share our views while also staying open to hear and consider others’ stories. During this step, Learning to Look for behaviors of Silence or Violence ensures that everyone continues to contribute to the Pool of Shared Meaning which is key to successful change. As we discover the Mutual Purpose of the change, we are more likely to show Mutual Respect when there are differences of opinion. This, in turn, makes it safe for dialogue to continue.

The term evidence-informed practice requires us to Explore Others’ Paths—including research on the subject, experience of the healthcare provider, and especially patient, client, and resident preference—this does not have to be an either/or choice! It also means that we prepare care providers with the skills and tools to successfully adopt the change. This is how we strengthen a person-centered approach to care in body, mind, and spirit.

Our Move to Action includes implementing and evaluating the change. The success of the change is assessed from the perspective of the patient, the care provider, and the care environment processes. Our vital behaviors help us to evolve the implementation process as we speak up about problematic aspects of the change, hold each other accountable when we see members of the team not modeling new behaviors, and ask for help when we feel unable to support the new practice. Ultimately, the way to enhance quality of patient care, build positive team relationships, and foster a shared and inclusive approach to practice change is grounded in the outcomes of these conversations.

According to our recent poll, social networks are becoming increasingly hostile, with 78 percent of users reporting rising incivility online and two in five blocking, unsubscribing, or “unfriending” someone over an argument on social media.

Specific findings include:

• 76 percent have witnessed an argument over social media
• 19 percent have decreased in-person contact with someone because of something they said online
• 88 percent believe people are less polite on social media than in person
• 81 percent say the difficult or emotionally charged conversations they have held over social media remain unresolved

Social media platforms aren’t the problem, it’s how people are using them that is causing a degradation of dialogue that has potential to destroy our most meaningful personal relationships.

Here are five tips for communicating both candidly and respectfully on social media:

1. Check your motives. Social media hasn’t only changed the way we communicate, it has modified our motives. Ask yourself, “Is my goal to get lots of ‘likes’ (or even provoke controversy)?” or “Do I want healthy dialogue?”
2. Replace hot words. If your goal is to make a point rather than score a point, replace “hot” words that provoke offense with words that help others understand your position. For example, replace “that is idiotic” with “I disagree for the following reasons . . .”
3. Pause to put emotions in check. Never post a comment when you’re feeling emotionally triggered. Never! If you wait four hours you’re likely to respond differently.
4. Agree before you disagree. It’s fine to disagree, but don’t point out your disagreement until you acknowledge areas where you agree. Often, arguers agree on 80 percent of the topic but create a false sense of conflict when they spend all their time arguing over the other 20 percent.
5. Trust your gut. When reading a response to your post and you feel the conversation is getting too emotional for an online exchange—you’re right! Stop. Take it offline. Or better yet, face-to-face.

For additional advice, including ten things NOT to do when communicating via social media, download our free e-book, “When Crucial Conversations Go Social: How to Handle Heated Discussions via Social Media.”

Dear Crucial Skills,

I’ve both blocked and been blocked by friends on social media sites after one of us has put our opinions out there on something controversial. The most painful was just before the presidential election when my cousin ripped on a candidate she opposed and I supported. I responded in a way I thought was pretty logical and reasonable. She was horrified and in her post described me as “insane” and “blind.” We unfriended each other, and at our family Christmas party I could hardly look at her.

I’ve concluded I should just not say anything meaningful on social media. Do you disagree? And what can I do to get my cousin back?

Unfriended

 Dear Unfriended,

First things first, let’s get your cousin back. Then we’ll talk about how to avoid losing another friend.

Ironically, I’m using a form of technology to talk with you about how to avoid rupturing relationships in social media. And I run all the same risks you do. In my desire to help, I could say something that offends you. There is nothing I want less.

Social media is like viewing the world through a straw. Your real situation is three-dimensional, rich, and complex—and all I have to respond to is the 100 or so words you typed to me. I may grossly misunderstand what is going on. And you, looking through your straw at me, may grossly misunderstand my intentions as I respond. This means that when we venture through our straw to have crucial conversations, misunderstanding and conflict are almost inevitable.

With that said, let me push a few words through the straw to you in hopes that something I say may provoke useful thought.

1. Find your part. You aren’t hurting your cousin; it’s your cousin’s story that is hurting her. She is aching because somehow she read the few words you wrote and found evidence of something that caused her pain. Perhaps she thought you disrespected her. Perhaps she thought your political opinion meant you were immoral or uncaring about something sacred to her. Perhaps she felt humiliated because you disagreed with her in a public forum.

The point is, she read the few words you poked through the social media straw and added intentions, attributions, and judgments to them in a way that was deeply hurtful to her. If you want your cousin back, go back and read your posts not with the intent of defending what you wrote, but with the intent of finding the story she might be telling herself that is hurting her. Surrender any need to be right or justify yourself. Focus only on finding empathy for the hurt your cousin feels.

2. Own your part. Next, call or meet with your cousin. Don’t e-mail. Don’t text. Don’t send a Facebook message. Do it the way your grandparents did in the olden days—face-to-face! Don’t go with any expectation of reciprocity. She may need some time to feel safe enough to examine her part and be vulnerable to you again. If you love her, you’ll give her that time.

Simply ask for five minutes to express your feelings and tell her she need not respond immediately. Then own everything you can. For example, you might say, “I want our relationship back. So I’ve been thinking hard about what I’ve done to offend you. I still don’t know for sure and would like you to tell me if there is something I am not aware of. I think it was wrong for me to say your candidate was an idiot. I realize you might have thought I was calling you an idiot for supporting him. It was an irresponsible and disrespectful way of expressing my opinion, and I suspect it might have felt insulting to you. Even worse, I did it in front of our 924 mutual friends. I am sorry for doing that and for any pain it caused you . . .” Conclude by letting her know you are willing to wait until she is ready to talk more.

The key to getting your cousin back is deciding that having her back is what you really want—more than saving face, or being right, or any other motive. If it is, then I’m confident you’ll find a way to restore the relationship. I’m sure underneath her hurt, pain, and ego, she misses you, too.

Now, let’s talk about how to talk through a straw without losing friends. The biggest problem with social media—and all technology-mediated communication—is manners haven’t caught up with the reduced bandwidth. As you know, my coauthors and I have spent much of our career studying how people deal with emotionally and politically risky communication. We’ve discovered that, even when communicating with the full face-to-face bandwidth that lets me see and hear massive amounts of data, when it matters most we do our worst. Now, you and I are attempting to do what we could not do well while taking in a trickle of feedback. Is it any wonder we’re wreaking havoc on relationships right and left?

Here is my advice for holding a crucial conversation in social media.

1. Don’t. It’s a fool’s errand. You need all the bandwidth you can get to hold a crucial conversation. Why tie your hands behind your back, blindfold yourself, and hop on one leg when you can easily jack up the bandwidth by making a call, using Skype, or meeting with the person face-to-face?

2. Every person a moderator. Debate is fine on social media. If you want to hold a spirited discussion about differing views, social forums can be a great place to view, test, and improve your opinions. However, it is also a great place to teach manners. If no one feels responsible to cry foul when someone violates good manners in public postings, the quality of the dialogue will inevitably degenerate into exhibitionism. It will be a place to get attention through disgraceful antics rather than engage in healthy conversation. I suggest every one of us appoint ourselves as moderators and cry “foul” when anyone crosses the following lines:

a. Personal attack. When someone disparages a participant rather than critiquing an idea, they are not adding value to the conversation.

b. Lazy words. A person who shares logic or data to illustrate why they disagree with an idea is contributing. One who simply dismisses it with judgment words like “stupid” or “irresponsible” is substituting insult for information. It’s a lazy way of attempting to persuade because it required no research or exposition. It’s a way of playing to your base rather than influencing the worthy opponent. (By the way, my very choice to call them “lazy words” is a hypocritical violation of this very point!)

c. Monologue. Someone who is truly interested in learning rather than performing will not just make points, they will ask questions. Their posts will be brief, to the point, and will exhibit curiosity about others’ views, not just demonstrate conviction about their own. They will not take all the airtime with long diatribes, they will be brief, make a single point or two, and then encourage others to share the air with them.

When you see people violate any of these simple manners of spirited and respectful debate, call them out and hold them accountable. Let them know you will either exit or exclude them unless they keep the debate civil and useful. If many of us empower ourselves as moderators, and exert appropriate social influence to call out those who use personal attacks, lazy words, and monologues, we can quickly close the gap between manners and technology. We will retain friends and profit from invigorating dialogue.

3. Trust your gut. We all know the feeling we get when we realize the conversation has just turned crucial, and that we should stop using the medium at hand. The hairs on your arm get prickly. You feel anxious. You type faster. You press the keys harder. Whatever the cue, trust it. At the first sign you need more bandwidth, STOP and change media. Pick up the phone. Jump on a video conference. Or take your most convenient transportation. Whatever you do, quit looking through a straw or you’ll risk losing a friend.

I wish you the best in your relationship with your cousin. And I hope these ideas help you enjoy your friends forever.

For additional advice, download our free e-book, “When Crucial Conversations Go Social: How to Handle Heated Discussions via Social Media.” This e-book is a compilation of tips, advice, research, and stories from me and my coauthors and 2,000 of our newsletter readers.

Warmly,
Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

I’m the team leader of an increasingly dysfunctional team. Our tasks require a high degree of coordination and we often have to figure out what to do as we go. But we’re stuck in a pattern of arguing and disagreeing, and it derails our ability to get anything done.

Lately, our aggressive debates and defensiveness are dragging us down. Members seem to think it’s more important to be right and prove others wrong than it is to get our work done. Can you help?

Despairing

 Dear Despairing,

Sometimes in our teams and relationships, we slip into bad habits. It’s hard to trace how these problems developed, but it’s easy to see the negative and sometimes hurtful outcomes these problems cause.

I consulted with an executive team that seems similar to the team you describe. In one of the first meetings I attended, a director shared his ideas about solving a problem. “I think we ought to do options ‘J,’ ‘K,’ ‘L,’ and ‘M’” he said.

Another director aggressively jumped in, “I disagree!” he said. “We’d be fools to do ‘M,’ we’ve got to do ‘P,’ not ‘M.’” A heated argument ensued.

Afterward, I spoke with the disagreeing director. He agreed with the other director about proceeding with options ‘J,’ ‘K,’ and ‘L.’” It was only option ‘M’ that he disagreed with. Imagine that. He agreed with three fourths of the other’s view, but the first words out of his mouth were, “I disagree!” This is the verbal and emotional equivalent of picking up a shield and drawing a sword. This response almost guarantees a fight. I’ve seen this same mistake made in personal relationships as well.

What’s needed to change your team’s behavior is a focus on purpose and the teammates’ agreement to use a few skills:

Share the facts first. You might say something like this: “I’ve noticed we seem to have more arguments and disagreements that lead to blockages rather than progress. For example . . .” Then share several specific examples that are obvious to everyone.

Propose a Mutual Purpose. “I strongly suggest we all operate toward this Mutual Purpose: We achieve our team results in a respectful, efficient way.”

Define “respectful” as listening to each other, not labeling each other or each others’ ideas, and not interrupting each other. Give specific examples from recent team arguments. Such examples might include words like “stupid,” “unworkable,” and “ridiculous.”

Define “efficient” as letting details pass that are unimportant and not getting “hooked” into arguments or debates that are unproductive. Say, “Each of our comments and responses should take us closer to solving a problem or building a productive option.”

Explain that you shouldn’t expect perfection, but that you should actively make an effort to accomplish your Mutual Purpose.

Share the ABCs of response. These skills help teams create more productive behavioral patterns. Here’s how they work. When someone makes a statement, do not ignore the comment or respond with disagreement. Rather, respond with A, B, or C, as explained below.

The ABCs of Response

A- If you agree, say so. You might simply say, “Mike, I agree with you that . . .” If you agree with some of what was said, respond by identifying what you agree with. Consider the example used earlier of the disagreeing director. Instead of saying “I disagree,” he should have said, “Mike, I agree that we should do ‘J,’ ‘K,’ and ‘L.’”

B- If you agree and want to add to it, build on their idea. “I agree we ought to do ‘J,’ ‘K,’ ‘L,’ and ‘M.’ I also think we should do ‘R.’”

C- If you disagree with what was said, don’t attack, criticize, or disagree. Rather, compare your opinion. This is often best done by first paraphrasing the other person’s idea, then sharing your own. By laying both ideas side-by-side, everyone can compare and contrast the two ideas. For example, “Mike, you think we should do ‘J,’ ‘K,’ ‘L,’ and ‘M.’ Is that right? I think we should do ‘R,’ ‘S,’ ‘T,’ and ‘V.’”

By responding to comments with the ABCs of Response, you acknowledge others’ comments and minimize defensiveness. With ideas out in the open and treated with respect, people can now compare, contrast, and build to get to the best solutions and the most effective decisions. We are now creating a dialogue and using it to get results and strengthen relationships.

Using the skills of creating a Mutual Purpose and the ABCs of Response, the executive team I worked with had what the CEO referred to as “an amazing metamorphosis.” Within three meetings, with the CEO giving gentle reminders, the team became more disciplined and productive. Each team member reported the change as an improvement and said he or she did not want to go back to the former way of doing business.

As your team focuses on results in a way that strengthens relationships, you improve your effectiveness in the dialogue of today and pave the way for improving the dialogue of tomorrow.

All the best,
Ron

Dear Crucial Skills,

I work in a busy, growing medical office with five support staff, and I share duties with a coworker who just turned seventy and has been with the clinic since it opened. We don’t have an office manager, so the clinic owners expect us, as peers, to come up with policies and procedures for the front desk, solve problems, and strategize on improvements.

My coworker resists every suggestion of change or improvement to the front desk area and refuses to use the computer unless she has to. When I try to suggest changes in a nonthreatening manner, she gets very hostile and attacks me personally, and I no longer feel safe talking to her. The owners are aware of the situation, but they won’t address it. I want to see the clinic continue to grow but frankly don’t see how that can happen if the front desk doesn’t keep up with the times.

Stuck in the 90s

 Dear Stuck,

You’ve just described an incredibly messy, complicated, and value-laden problem. There isn’t likely to be a simple or easy-to-implement solution.

Let’s begin by identifying the different issues that are involved.

1. You don’t have an office manager, so your team of five organizes its own work and handles any disagreements.
2. One of your coworkers resists changes and improvements.
3. This coworker becomes hostile and attacks you personally.
4. This coworker is seventy years old and has been with the clinic since it opened.
5. The owners are aware of this situation, but haven’t addressed it.
6. The clinic is growing and the front desk needs to keep up with the times.

I think we can break this problem into two parts based on who could take action to solve it. One problem is with your coworker—her resistance to change and her personal attacks. A second problem is with the owners—their unwillingness to take action.

I would focus my efforts on the owners for a couple of reasons:

1. I don’t think you will reach an accommodation with your coworker until they make their position clear.
2. The owners have more options than you do for creating new solutions. In any case, I think they need to step up and take responsibility for the situation.

Determine What You Really Want. Before you talk with the owners, decide what you want in the long-term for yourself, for the owners, for the clinic, and for your coworker. I’ll guess that you want the clinic to continue to grow, the front desk to keep up with the times, and a fair distribution of work within your team.

Find Mutual Purpose. What do you think the owners want? I bet they want many of the same things you do, plus a couple more: They don’t want to have to get involved in personnel issues and they want to show loyalty to a loyal employee. Can you buy in to these five goals? Do you think the owners will as well? Agreeing that a high-quality solution will achieve all of these goals will take you a long way toward crafting a solution.

Make It Motivating. There is a good chance the owners don’t share your view of the problem. They may see it as a personality clash, while you see it as a productivity issue. Take the time to describe the situations that occur, and the impacts they have on the clinic’s ability to function. Avoid personalizing these issues. Remember, the owners are prone to dismiss your concerns if they sound like personality differences. Stick to the facts as they relate to the clinic’s ability to grow.

Make It Easy. Give the owners time and space to discuss possible solutions among themselves. Don’t press for a “simple” solution—one that could sound to the owners like you win and your coworker loses. Remember, the owners may want to reward your coworker’s loyalty as well as maintain a healthy workplace. This will take some consideration and creativity on their part.

Yeah, But. There are several ways this conversation can go wrong. I’ll anticipate a couple.

What if the owners still refuse to get involved? Here is how I would read this outcome: they want to protect your coworker, they don’t want to get involved in a personnel issue, and they think you can work it out on your own. That’s the story I’d tell myself, but I’d want to check it out with them. Ask them whether you are reading them correctly. If that is their position, then you need to ask yourself whether you can live with the results. It may mean redefining the roles within your front desk team. Your coworker may need to stick to her preferred jobs, while the rest of you work more flexibly. It may appear unfair on the surface, but maybe she’s earned it.

What if the owners ask your coworker to change, but she doesn’t? What if she becomes even more hostile toward you as a result? The ideal is that peers hold peers accountable. However, peer accountability requires that leaders back them up when the going gets tough. Since you know this scenario is possible, discuss it with the owners in advance. They can’t just ask your coworker to change; they need to support her and hold her accountable. They need a plan—who will do what by when—and a way to follow up.

Good luck with this tough situation. Have other readers resolved a similar situation? I’d love to hear what worked for you.

David

  Dear Crucial Skills,

I have an aging mom who needs to be moved into an assisted living facility, but she just won’t hear of it. How can I have a conversation with her to help her understand that she needs to move so we will know she is safe?

Concerned

 Dear Concerned,

Your mother is lucky to have a loving child who is concerned about her well-being and safety—enough so that you’re willing to step up to what many believe will be one of the most difficult conversations they’ll ever have. After all, you’re about to ask an aging parent to step away from a comfortable situation, complete with a familiar collection of belongings and friends, and enter a situation that could be not only novel, but even frightening.

After all, in her mind, the new home may not be a home at all, but an institution full of people who treat their customers in an institutional way. It’s filled with strangers. There are rules and restrictions of all sorts. Plus, who knows what view your parent has of assisted living facilities. For years, the industry was peppered with horrible places that were often used to hide away the ailing aged—forgotten by loved ones, ruled by the local version of nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and smelling of urine and alcohol. At least, that’s how movies portrayed the places. Your mom may have even visited such an institution—perhaps the horrible place that housed her mother or grandmother.

The place you have in mind, in sharp contrast, provides lovely circumstances, delicious food, the possibility of companionship, and lots of fun group activities. Why just look at the van parked out front filling up with active seniors on their way to the mall for a shopping trip. Also pulling up out front is a group of high school kids who’ve come to put on a luncheon show of musical numbers and poetic recitations. At the ready, you’ll find a qualified staff of medical assistants who will ensure that the food everyone eats is healthy and in the right proportions while simultaneously monitoring medicines and special needs.

There’s the rub. Two people hold two very different views of the immediate future and two very different opinions about what choice to make. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up trying to convince each other that your view is correct, while fighting off the other person’s incorrect view. As a result, neither of you will change your opinion and you will either continue with the status quo, or you will take your mom to the care center kicking and screaming.

This sort of stand-off reminds me of a time I watched my eight-year-old daughter attempt to convince a neighborhood kid who had just moved to America to taste a bowl of chocolate ice cream. The new neighbor hadn’t tasted ice cream before and the brown blob she was being offered wasn’t the least bit appealing to her. My daughter kept saying, “Trust me, you’ll really like it!” And then when that didn’t work, she’d state: “Honest, you’ll really, really, really like it.” The friend would shake her head no and steel her will against what she assumed was a circumstance similar to the time her mom told her to eat a suspicious looking new food (liver) and not to fret because it was really, really good—only it was liver. Essentially, my daughter was talking ice cream and her friend was hearing liver.

Here are some steps you can take to avoid such a standoff. I’m assuming that your mom’s medical circumstances demand that she move to an assisted living center—for both her safety and your peace of mind. That means whether she moves isn’t open to discussion. How, when, where, and under what conditions are indeed open and require healthy dialogue.

Enter to learn, not simply to teach. Before you start the conversation, don’t merely prepare your arguments, prepare your willingness to listen. You’ll need to understand your mother’s concerns in order to openly discuss and resolve them.

Explain why you made the decision. Don’t start by suggesting that you’re thinking about her moving into assisted living. If you leave that door open, you’ll spend most of your time debating if, when the if is no longer up for discussion. Start by explaining that you and your siblings have decided that, for her own safety and well-being, it’s time she moves. Then share the circumstances that led you to make the decision. Explain the impact her actions have had on her and on friends and loved ones. Let her know that you’re trying to help her find a place she can enjoy while she still has most of her faculties, not a place to stow her away.

Ask her to share her concerns. End your description of why she needs to move with an invitation for her to share her concerns. Some will be accurate, some you’ll need to research, and some will be way off base. Restate each concern to ensure that you understand exactly what she’s saying. Many of the concerns will be about genuine losses of independence and convenience. Discuss ways to mitigate or minimize these disadvantages. When she shares what you perceive to be an inaccurate perception, explain that you see it differently and then share your view.

Quickly call for a study and visit. Rather than try to verbally persuade your mother of all the benefits of assisted living, involve her in selecting a facility—including a visit to some of the choices. Match your mother’s issues with the place that best suits her needs. Play the role of a good realtor—don’t sell the place, let the place sell itself. What do you like? What don’t you like? How might we change that to suit your needs? Talk with existing residents and see how they like it. Where possible, call or visit old friends who are currently living in a care facility and see what they think about the situation. Choose friends who face similar circumstances and they’ll be able to share insights about what to expect and what to do to avoid potential disappointments.

Allow for a trial visit. Many facilities let you sample their services by signing up for a short test period. This is often the point at which the senior begins to realize that having others of the same age around, support from medical staff, prepared meals, less area to clean, and the like, more than offset the loss of living in one’s own home.

Check for success. Once your mother selects a place and settles in, visit frequently—by whatever means possible. Check to see what is working and what isn’t. Where possible, make further changes to match her needs to the facility. Finally, live up to the promise you made to yourself. You meant it when you decided that you wanted what’s best for your mom. Whether this turns out to be true depends a great deal on how often you make contact with her once she’s found a new place to live.

Kerry

Dear Crucial Skills,

I have a beautiful, talented twenty-four-year-old daughter who is fifty pounds overweight. She is currently in graduate school and has not been in the job market for the last two years. I worry about her health, and the bias she will face seeking a job as an overweight individual, and I ache for her lack of a social life.

I have been trying to serve healthy meals and discuss healthy eating at the dinner table, but I have stopped short of a direct crucial conversation with her. Now, she no longer goes on short walks and is doing even less physical activity than before.

How can I open dialogue with my daughter about weight management?

Worried Mother

 Dear Worried,

Crucial conversations with our closest loved ones can be the toughest and most rewarding conversations of our lives. They are challenging because you’re conflicted. You care deeply about your relationship and you worry that speaking up could threaten it. At the same time, you care deeply about your daughter’s health and happiness, so saying nothing isn’t an option. So, how do you speak up in a way that helps your daughter without undermining your relationship?

Find Mutual Purpose. You are clearly concerned about her weight, and you’ve identified several potential consequences: health, bias, social life, and physical activity. You’ve also noted that weight is a touchy, unsafe topic for your daughter. I suggest you begin with the safest common ground, the one she is least likely to see as meddling—your fundamental concern for her health. I wouldn’t introduce the issues related to potential bias or her social life. And I would let her steer the discussion to weight.

Help your daughter find her own motivation. Do your best to avoid giving advice, making suggestions, or lecturing. Instead, help your daughter explore her situation and decide for herself what she really wants.

Begin with a contrasting statement. A contrasting statement is a “don’t/do” statement that is designed to fix misunderstandings. You can already anticipate that your daughter is likely to misunderstand your intent. She may think you intend to tell her how to live her life. Fix this misunderstanding before it has a chance to grow.

• The “don’t” statement explains what you don’t intend. It anticipates and addresses your daughter’s concerns: “I’d like to hear your point of view on a sensitive topic. I don’t want to intrude on your personal life or tell you what to do.”
• The “do” statement explains what you do intend: “I just want to hear your perspective. I’ll respect your choices.”

Encourage your daughter to explore both sides of the issue. “Please tell me how you see your health—what’s working for you, and what’s not.” Then stop talking and let your daughter respond.

Don’t push your perspective. A mistake we often make is to state our position in a way that forces the other person to take the other side. Here’s an example of what that would sound like.

Parent: “If you don’t begin exercising and eating right, it could have long-term impacts on your health and happiness.”

Daughter: “Not necessarily. I’m happy the way I am. Besides, with my school schedule, I don’t have time to cook food and go to the gym.”

You have advocated for one side and forced your daughter to advocate for the other side. And guess who’s going to win this argument?

Focus on Mutual Purpose. Listen for what is working, rather than for what is not. Your daughter is likely to focus on the challenges that prevent her from living a healthy lifestyle. A good response from you would be, “Are you saying that you’re motivated to work on your health, but you’re struggling with how to do it?” If your daughter says she is motivated but unable, then you can offer your support and she might accept it.

Know your limits and be willing to step back. There is a good chance your daughter won’t want to have this discussion with you. Even if she is concerned about her health, she might not want you to be involved. If that is the case, then I think you will be more successful if you respect her decision and back off. To you, this might feel like rejection when you are only trying to help, but please don’t take it that way. Even when your daughter shuts down the conversation, she is listening. Back off, give her some space, and allow her to think about her situation. Earn her trust by respecting her limits, and she might invite you to help her when she is ready.

Other suggestions. Are there ways you can improve your own health behaviors? For example, are you eating fruits and vegetables, watching your weight, and getting plenty of exercise? Be a modest model. Don’t talk about it, but change your own behavior. Trust that your daughter will take notice.

Change your home to make healthy eating and activities easier and more convenient. Keep fruit and vegetables visible, and make them appealing. Stop buying fatty, salty, and sugary foods. Consider replacing your plates with smaller ones and moving your TV to a less comfortable area. Introduce new, fun, muscle-powered toys.

As you prepare for this crucial conversation, please remember that all the research confirms that parents are the most influential people in their children’s lives. You can have a real and positive impact in your daughter’s life. Take the chance and make a difference.

Best wishes,
David

Dear Crucial Skills,

My father is nearing retirement age, and we have strong reason to believe he is in some serious financial trouble. He receives all of his credit card bills electronically (which means my mother doesn’t see them) and he refuses to tell her what the balance is on these cards. We are also aware of two risky “investment” ventures he put on the credit cards that did not pan out.

My mom’s debit card was recently rejected for insufficient funds when she tried to purchase groceries, even though their joint salaries are more than enough for them to live comfortably. I am very worried that my father is in a deep financial hole but is too proud to ask for help—or even admit that he needs help.

How do I talk to my extremely defensive father about his finances and get him the help he needs?

Worried Daughter

 Dear Worried Daughter,

One of the key principles of Crucial Conversations is to ensure you’re having the right conversation. That means not just that you’re talking about the right thing, but that you’re also talking with the right person. The first conversation you need to have is with your mother. If you are an adult child—unless you are an executor of your parents’ estate—you are not responsible for dealing with your father’s financial mistakes or misbehavior. Your mother is. If he is in financial trouble, she is the one he is affecting, and, therefore, is the one responsible to speak up, set boundaries, and hold him accountable for transparency.

In many families, the children get into a pattern of creating what psychologist Martin Seligman calls learned helplessness. They cultivate a family member’s inability to solve their own problems by rescuing them from uncomfortable challenges—like crucial conversations. Let’s face it, none of us relishes crucial conversations of the sort you’re describing. Imagine how ashamed your father might feel when confronted with evidence of his bad judgment or withholding information from your mother. Who would want to have that conversation?

What motivates any of us to step up in spite of our discomfort is experiencing the consequences of not having the conversation. When you step between others and their crucial conversations, you separate them from the consequences that would motivate them to develop the strength of character and competence required to build healthy relationships. In other words, we help them learn to be helpless. Your goal should not just be to solve this important problem, but to let it happen in a way that allows your parents to develop a healthier and more honest relationship. If you don’t, you could be part of the problem.

I urge you not to talk with your father, but with your mother and your siblings. Refuse to talk with her about problems behind your father’s back. Express your confidence in her ability to address her own problems. Offer to coach her or even practice with her, but avoid having any conversation with her where the intent seems to be to arouse your pity, convince you of her helplessness, or frame the problem as exclusively your father’s. If things are truly bad, they have become so as much through your mother’s passivity as your father’s stubbornness.

I know this is a much harder road to take than simply gearing up to talk to your dad. Trust me, I know this from very personal experience. But it’s my honest view of the right road to take.

Best wishes,
Joseph

Dear Crucial Skills,

How do you handle a job promotion when you are promoted from within your peer group? I was recently promoted to a manager position and oversee the team members that were once my peers. What is the most effective way to transition from team member to manager?

Promoted

 Dear Promoted,

When I was ten years old, I was chosen by our elementary school principal to be on the Traffic Squad. As a symbol of my authority, I donned a purple two-cornered hat emblazoned with the name of our school—McKinley. I was feeling pretty full of myself until I discovered that my first assignment involved monitoring hand hygiene in the boys’ restroom. My visions of leading troops into heroic battles were dashed. Instead, I stood by the sinks with a No. 2 pencil and pad of paper recording the names of those who did not properly wash their hands.

Tedium turned to terror when my own beloved teacher, Mr. Collins, completed his bodily duties, tucked in his shirt, then stalked past the sinks without so much as a rinse. I was torn. My responsibilities were clear. My authority immense. But could I hold a teacher accountable? And worse, would I rupture our relationship if I brought Mr. Collins to task?

It can be tricky to assume a new role in an old social system. It can be as hard for you to see yourself in the new role as it is for others. If you fail to accept yourself in the new role, you’ll either shirk the leadership you have been asked to offer—or indulge your authority in a vain effort to convince yourself of your worthiness for the role. Neither option is good.

Likewise, if others have difficulty honoring your new assignment they may either resist or resent your authority. They may also expect special favors—assuming their former peer relationship with you entitles them to some of the benefits accompanying the new office.

How can you settle both yourself and others into the relationship? There are two crucial conversations you need to hold. The first is with yourself. You need to decide what it means—and doesn’t mean—to be the boss. When you’re comfortable within yourself, it would be wise to set appropriate expectations with others.

Conversation with self: Are you in your own way?

If you notice you are reticent to make decisions, hold others accountable, give assignments, or lead change, then you are getting in your own way. Similarly, if you find yourself needing to prove something by exerting your authority—making threats, giving orders, micromanaging—the problem is not others, it’s you. I suggest you spend some time pondering one important question: What does it mean to have power?

Does it mean something about you? Does it mean you’re smarter, more deserving, more experienced, or more important than others? Is it about privilege? Or is it about responsibility? And if the latter, what are your responsibilities?

I feel much more comfortable with authority when I remember that it is not power over but power to. It is not given to me as an intoxicating privilege, but as a special stewardship. When New York restaurateur Danny Meyer promotes a waiter to manager, he explains that his or her new position is like the gift of fire. “Fire is used in many ways—all analogous to your new duties,” he teaches. “Fire can warm. Your duty is to encourage people. Fire is light. Your job is to teach. Fire can cook. Your duty is to strengthen and feed. Fire is a gathering place in many cultures. Your job is to build the team. Fire can also burn. There are rare times when you will need to use your power to give hard feedback. But do so carefully.”

You will continue to be self-conscious about your newfound power so long as you think it is about you. When you come to understand that it is more responsibility than ornament, you will feel less self-conscious and more conscious of others. You’ll worry less about what others think, and more about what you need to do.

Conversation with others: Are they in your way?

Once you’ve settled this in yourself, you may find that others are having a hard time accepting you in the new role. Don’t feel intimated by that. Remember, this is not about you. Your responsibility to serve does not change because others don’t think you deserve the job or feel bothered in some way by the need to respond to you differently than they did in the past.

If you believe others may have some difficulty with this transition, talk about it. Have an explicit conversation either with key individuals or with the full team to set expectations. Share with them:

• What you expect of yourself. How you see your duties and what your team should expect in terms of support, guidance, feedback, etc. What are your goals? What are your standards? What will be different from the past? What will be similar?
• What you expect from them. Describe clearly what behavior and results you expect from the team. If you’ve seen worrying signs of behavior that will impede your team’s ability to perform, describe it. Describe why it is a problem. Be sure to frame the concerns in terms of performance and results, not ego and insult. Describe how decisions will be made. Lay out which decisions will be command (you’ll make them), consult (you’ll make them after involving the team), consensus (the full team must agree before proceeding), or vote (majority rules). Clarifying how decisions will be made will avoid future violated expectations or misunderstandings of your motives. Finally, if you think this transition will be bumpy, schedule in a follow-up conversation to check in with the team on how it’s working and to give them feedback on your views as well.

As I watched Mr. Collins leave the bathroom, I pondered my response. Was he flouting my authority? Should I make a statement by writing him up? Would he be angry at me if I invoked my full powers against him? Amidst the turmoil, something in my fifth grade mind quieted enough that I could hear past the din of my ego. I had been given an assignment. The only important question was, would I do it?

I calmly added Mr. Collins’ name to the list.

The next year Mr. Collins promoted me to Traffic Captain.

Best wishes in this exciting new growth opportunity.

Joseph