ABOUT THE EXPERT
Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts.
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It seems like a simple question that should elicit a fairly straightforward, simple answer. But nooooo, Al wanted more than the standard “8:00 A.M.” response. So he asked again, “When does training start?”

The setting was our VitalSmarts best practices meeting, and Al Switzler was trying to get us to think more deeply about our preparation and to pinpoint the time when we “turn on” for training. “So many times the presenter turns on the charm, enthusiasm, energy, interest in participants, the smile (Al went on for a while, but for the sake of brevity I’ll summarize the majority of his list with, “etc.”) once the clock strikes that magical start time hour.” He went on to say that training should start much earlier than the time printed on the invitation letter, and that if you are currently starting at that time, you’re starting too late and missing huge opportunities to engage the participants and set the appropriate climate.

With this in mind, I’m interested in hearing when training starts for you. What do you do to make sure it starts off well? Share your thoughts below to get the idea flow started.

How do you build and maintain a high level of energy while training?

Starting out with energy and enthusiasm sets the stage for the kind of engaging session you want to create as a trainer. Your energy level affects the group as a whole. If you have low energy and plod along, they will too. If you remain engaged and interested, and have an appropriate energy level, so will they! Now, when we’re talking “energy,” it does not mean a “rah-rah,” exhausting whirlwind of movement, gestures, and loud voices. It does mean bringing a sense of vibrance to the learning environment. Here are some ways I weave that in—at the beginning and during the afternoon lull.

Starting out:

• Before the training even starts, make sure to engage with each and every participant. Greet them as they arrive, ask them questions about their work or their role, and see if you have anything in common. Smile! Find a reason to laugh a little to create a “lighter” mood.
• Have music playing as folks arrive as well as during every break and at the end of the day. Pick something that has broad appeal and is slightly upbeat.
• Open the workshop with a “hook”—get them interested right away. After introducing myself, I often talk about the applicability of what we’ll be learning to all parts of their lives, not just work. I ask, “Who has teenagers? Who has difficult neighbors? Who’s involved with volunteer activities?” and then state, “You will learn skills and tools that will help you in all those areas!”
• If everyone in the room does not know one another, do introductions, but avoid lengthy “around the room” introductions. A fun process I learned from a colleague is something we refer to as speed dating. The goal of this exercise is to meet as many people as possible in three minutes. Ask everyone in the room to stand up, give them a few questions to use—name, role in the organization, a hobby or interest, etc. Put the timer on, full screen! When the time is up and people return to their seats, take a poll of how many people they met.
• Within the first twenty minutes, get participants working at their tables to identify typical scenarios or challenging situations where the concepts and skills we’ll be working on have relevance. This gets the group buzzing and folks interacting early on. Collect a few ideas from each group and post them on a flipchart for reference later. This also gives you a good opportunity to connect with them and their interests and allows you to “preview” key content areas.

Throughout the session:

• Move around and use your space. A remote mouse will allow you to walk away from your laptop. If you are using flip charts, post those with key content so that you can move to and/or write on them as you reference them throughout the class.
• Look for creative ways to break into small groups so that people are continually interacting with different folks. This also gets them out of their chairs and moving around.
• When groups are working on exercises, make sure to walk around and engage with them. Offer thoughts, ask questions, compliment their work, and make easy jokes without taking them off track.

In energy lulls:

• Change up some of the exercises so that they are partnering with others instead of working in table groups. Make it a “power exercise” meaning that you ask them to stand, find a partner across the room, and power through the exercise in a timed two- to three-minute period, remaining standing.
• When doing a table exercise, rather than counting off around the room to mix the groups, have folks count “1-2-1-2 . . .” around their OWN table. Then have all the 2s rotate clockwise to the next table for the exercise.
• Plan for two short breaks in the afternoon—about ten minutes each—rather than one fifteen minute break. They really need it! Turn up the music during the afternoon breaks and make sure it has an upbeat tempo—no chamber music! Show the VitalSmarts viral videos or fun photographs during the breaks or just as participants are coming back.
• Chocolate helps. So do table toys for fidgeting, such as play-doh, slinkies, or pipe cleaners.
• Pay attention to your own energy level. Do what you can to increase it if necessary—tell an engaging story, take a brisk walk outside during break, or eat a bit of protein.

Please share your own ideas for keeping the learning environment high energy!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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  Dear Crucial Skills,

I own a furniture consignment shop. We have a new customer who is seventy-five years old, very lonely, and needy. He constantly comes in the shop or calls to talk about how he used to be a Hollywood star and a millionaire, or to tell us about each of his seven marriages.

I don’t know how to tell him we are busy, but we have each heard his story three or four times and it’s starting to make us all feel uncomfortable. How can I tell my needy customer that I don’t have time to talk without offending him?

At a Loss

 Dear Loss,

Thanks for the question and for your genuine concern for a person in need. Let me start by suggesting that this situation calls for a tactful discussion instead of a full-blown crucial conversation where you jointly brainstorm a solution.

You’re right in worrying about hurting the fellow’s feelings. He’s a human being and like all of us, he deserves to be treated with respect. Obviously, you don’t want to bluntly tell him to stop talking so much or repeating himself so frequently. And while it’s true that he may be lonely and is looking for simple conversation, even companionship, it’s not the responsibility of a shop owner to meet those needs (more on this later).

The kind thing to do is to pull the gentleman aside and set your ground rules. Explain that you appreciate his business and enjoy the conversation, yet you face a challenge. The shop requires your careful attention and does not allow you to carry on long conversations, enjoyable or otherwise. So you’re asking him to conduct his future business quickly—without lengthy discussions—so you can fulfill your responsibilities as a shop owner. Then thank him for his cooperation.

All of this should be done pleasantly, with a slight smile, and with genuine compassion for another person. You’re not opening the conversation up for debate, nor are you asking for suggestions. You’re professionally and politely defining the boundaries of your relationship.

Now, having said this, let me return to the issue of a lonely gentleman who appears to be looking for more than a simple purchase. Let me write, not just to you, but to all of us—myself included.

Not long ago, I was taking a brisk walk when I passed near an older fellow, a complete stranger, walking the other way. He signaled me to stop and when I did he chatted me up for a full five minutes. I was in a hurry to get back to work, but the gentleman seemed oblivious to the fact that I was trying to exit the conversation at every turn. Later that same day, I stood in line to buy a handful of groceries while an elderly woman in front of me wrote out and recorded a check—seemingly in slow motion—while casually chatting with the clerk. I almost climbed out of my skin.

At the end of the day, my mind turned to the intersection of two factors. One, my own lack of patience, and two, a growing number of elderly people who are likely to tax my ability to slow down and smell their roses. As I thought of these two events, I remembered the fact that as baby boomers age (and I’m one of them), they’ll put a massive burden on the healthcare system—leading to a huge shortage of healthcare professionals. I also recalled reading that, in 1950, for every person over 65 there were twelve people of working age, but in 2050, that number will drop to three—burdening social security. I was aware of both the medical and financial burden that will accompany the gray wave. We hear about those issues nearly every day. What I hadn’t thought about was the need for love, kindness, a gentle word, and yes—time—from those who will have so much of it on their hands.

The awkward situation at your shop provides evidence that there will come a clash between those who are frantically running about their daily tasks—stretched to do the job of two people—and those who will want to slowly write out a check, go on casual walks, and talk with shop owners about the old days.

And while it’s true that the shop owner can’t always meet the needs of aging customers, it is equally true that the rest of society will have to come to grips with living alongside a growing number of seniors who are finding their senior years more lonely than golden. As our life paces and interests come in conflict, we’ll continually face the question: What do I really want here?

I wrote earlier about my father who had largely gone blind, working on my pride and joy—the flowers in front of our house. Dad really wanted to contribute to the effort and eagerly put on his gloves every time I watered, mulched, or planted. Because dad couldn’t see all that well, he often damaged or even killed flowers every time he lent a hand. This bothered me until one day I asked: “What do I really want?” I decided I wanted my dad to work alongside me more than I wanted perfect flowers. We’ll be faced with the same question in years to come as more and more elderly people will ask for our time and attention at a stage in our lives when our free time will, if anything, be growing scarcer.

Hopefully, as we ask the question of what we want for ourselves and for others, we’ll find both the desire and the methods to spend time with those who have given us so much. Perhaps outside the shop someone will talk with your needy customer about the good old days. Maybe a neighbor will bring by a fresh-made loaf of bread, and then sit and chat for a while—doubling the gift. Perhaps his son will call with a short item of business, and then lengthen the conversation to cover whatever Dad wants to discuss. Perhaps all of us will learn to find ways to stop and smell the roses.

Kerry

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I have just confirmed that my daughter is using drugs and I am beside myself with worry. I have always been very frank when I talked to her about drug use and I fear that because I made her feel safe to talk to me about it, I may have also made her feel like I condone the use of drugs. She confides in me because she feels like she can tell me anything and I don’t want to lose this relationship.

How can I express concern for my daughter’s behavior and drug use without damaging our relationship and losing her trust?

Worried Mother

 Dear Mother,

Good for you!

Good for you for thinking about both sides of the parenting problem you have to solve. You’re not just worried about expressing disapproval of a self-destructive choice. You’re also worried about ensuring your daughter feels safe maintaining dialogue with you. And in my estimation, doing these two things is the heart of parenting.

Now to answer your question, let me make a huge assumption. The fact that you’re worried you sent a message of tacit approval of drug abuse makes me suspect you probably have. I assume this worry is fed as you review past interactions with her and find it hard to recall a consistent pattern of clear expressions of disapproval. With that said, don’t give yourself an “F” on being a positive influence, as your own personal decision to not abuse drugs is an important force for good. However, clear influence has to go beyond silent disapproval.

I know you asked how to “talk,” but I’m going to broaden the issue to the larger topic of influence. Here’s the picture we, as parents and guardians of our children, need to have: there are six powerful sources of influence that shape our children’s (and our own) choices. And most of them line up in support of experimentation with harmful substances. For example:

Personal Motivation: Kids are told it feels good. Experimentation is pitched in morally appealing packaging—as a way to experience life, demonstrate independence, be your own person, learn about new options, etc.

Personal Ability: Information about options, dosages, delivery methods, etc. is widely available.

Social Motivation and Ability: Powerful peer influences can encourage participation and shame those who don’t engage. Kids mentor each other in new ways to get high, ways to get money to get high, and ways to avoid detection. The messages kids get from peers through Facebook, YouTube, movies, television, and other media tend to be pro- not anti-drug abuse.

Structural Motivation: Costs for drugs have declined over the years in a perverse version of Moore’s law, the drug high gets stronger as the prices get lower.

Structural Ability: At school, kids are probably never more than five minutes away from access to illicit drugs or alcohol.

I’ve only scratched the surface in describing how the various methods of influence shape the world your daughter inhabits far more than they did when you and I were walking school halls. I share all of this as a backdrop to a resounding answer to your question. Kids today need much more than a passively disapproving parent in order to avoid succumbing to an overwhelmingly potent influence strategy to engage in harmful behavior—they need parents who are aware of how all six sources of influence are affecting their children, and who take action to offer their children an environment that supports positive choices.

With that said, a conversation is a good place to begin. It could very well begin with, “Sweetheart, I worry that I’ve been derelict in a very important responsibility. I want to begin remedying that now. . .”

You then need to confront her with the information you have about her drug use. Do so factually. Do not use judgmental language, lay out the case that convinces you there’s a problem. For example, a horrified parent might be tempted to say, “Don’t you dare lie to me, I know you’ve been using. You’ve already been sneaking out with friends and lying to me about what you’re doing.”

The “facts first” version would sound more like, “When you asked me to bring your cell phone to you at school, a text came through. It was from Denise. She said, ‘Does your Mom have any more oxy? I need some.’” Resist the temptation to embellish or exaggerate the information you have. Simply lay out the facts then share your conclusion: “Sweetheart, it’s clear to me you have used drugs.”

At this point, you need to reassure her she is safe discussing this with you. After you lay out such embarrassing and sensitive facts, most teens will worry that your motive is to judge or punish them. Let her know that’s not the case. For example, you could tell her, “I am not bringing this up because I am angry at you or to try to embarrass you. I love you, and I want to help you make choices that will make you happy. Can you tell me what’s going on?”

Your goal is dialogue. Only through a healthy dialogue can you influence her heart and mind rather than just her behavior. But similarly, you won’t influence her heart and mind if at some point in the dialogue you don’t make a strong and clear statement of disapproval—not of her personally, but of this choice.

A few years ago, we worked with the White House on the campaign, Parents. The Anti Drug. We conducted research and created a list of Crucial Conversations tips for speaking up to your kids about drug abuse. These tips can help you in this very crucial conversation with your daughter. I encourage you to check them out.

I am thrilled to know that you have carefully established trust with your daughter that enables her to talk to you. Just make sure you haven’t done so in a way that diminishes your ability to have her listen to you. That would not be dialogue, but monologue. Find a way to get your voice into the dialogue while still preserving the wonderful safety you’ve so effectively created.

Best wishes,
Joseph

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kerry Patterson is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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This story begins in the spring of 1954, not long after my eighth birthday. At this time in my life, two important events happened over the same weekend—Mother’s Day and the appearance of a traveling carnival. Both required money. Lots of money. Fortunately, after months of squirreling away most of my weekly 50-cent allowance, I was able to set aside six whole dollars—two dollars to buy my mom a pair of Mother’s Day earrings she had pointed out at a local jewelry store, two dollars for an unlimited ride pass at the carnival, and two dollars for food and bus fare.

When the appointed day finally arrived, I leaped off the bus and set straight off to buy Mom’s earrings. I was on a mission: first secure the earrings, and then go have fun. Unfortunately, as I approached the jewelry store I also drew closer to the carnival and its joyous and tempting sounds. To me, the rumble of the rides and the squeals from the children were the modern-day version of Ulysses’ sirens. Since I had neither a ship’s mast nor men to tie me to it, I eventually gave in to the irresistible clamor. I decided to put off buying the Mother’s Day earrings and go straight for the home of the Loopty-Loop. This was my first mistake.

I made my second mistake when I arrived at the carnival itself. Instead of going directly to the ticket booth and buying an unlimited ride pass, I wandered into the midway where a hoard of carnies tried to convince me to win Kewpie dolls, pinwheels, and the like. At first, I resisted the invitation to play the games. They weren’t in my budget and besides, who wanted any of that cheap junk?

And then I came across a booth that awarded winners a small cage containing a parakeet. I had never seen such magnificent birds. They weren’t just green and blue; they were fluorescent green and blue. And according to the nice carnie with the missing front teeth who worked the booth, you could teach the exotic creatures to talk. Plus the fellow had a “MOM” tattoo on his right bicep. It was fate. It was kismet. It was a sign.

“I would like one of the parakeets far more than the earrings,” the “MOM” tattoo whispered to me.

Hesitantly, I loosened my grip on my six dollars as I sized up the challenge in front of me. All I had to do to win the most extraordinary prize ever offered by a man with a pack of Lucky Strikes trapped under his right T-shirt sleeve was throw a dime and land it on a plate—a huge plate no less. And there were dozens of plates. So I took a deep breath and cashed in one of my dollars for ten dimes. I could practically see the smile on Mom’s face.

The first dime hit right on a plate—oh boy, oh boy, oh boy—but then it bounced off. But then it almost landed on another plate. This was going to be a breeze. Of course, it wasn’t one bit easy. After bouncing six dimes and winning nothing, I started having second thoughts. But then the fellow with the whispering tattoo told me not to worry. “You’re bound to win soon!” he promised. “Honest.”

And so went the two dollars I had set aside for food and return bus fare. But all wasn’t lost, I reasoned. If I won a bird soon, I would no longer need the two dollars I’d set aside for the earrings and I’d be back on budget. The next twenty dimes bounced pretty much like the first twenty. They would hit one plate, glance off another—and almost win me a bird. Almost.

As I clutched my last two dollars, I was tempted to walk straight to the jewelry store before it was too late, but then as I turned to exit from over my shoulder I heard one of the parakeets chirp, “Pretty bird!” In retrospect I believe the exclamation did indeed sound like “Pretty bird!” but only if spoken through missing teeth. In any case, I cashed in for twenty more chances to win the best present any kid had ever given his mom for Mother’s Day!

The three-mile walk home was a dismal one. I hadn’t eaten anything, I didn’t get to ride anything, I had no money, no earrings, no bird, and worst of all, boy, was I going to get a lecture!

As I trudged down the dirt road that led home, my next-door neighbor, George Lockhart, drove up in his milk truck. George arose every day at the crack of dawn and delivered milk to the front doors of various families around town. He was now on his way home. Normally I would have been thrilled to hitch a ride with George—you know, ride up front with a guy wearing a cool milkman uniform; maybe he’d even give me a fudgesicle. But not this day. I had just suffered the great parakeet debacle of 1954.

As I told Mr. Lockhart about my failed attempt to win my mother a bird, I explained how I had lost my entire six dollars to a game that looked ever so easy but was probably impossible to win. George nodded knowingly but didn’t say a word. Eventually, when we arrived at his house, Mr. Lockhart turned to me and said, “I’ve done you a good turn by giving you a ride home, would you do something for me? I’ve just had a new load of wood delivered and I need some of it chopped into kindling.” Then he handed me an ax.

Things were looking up. I wouldn’t have to go home and face the music—at least not right away—plus, I’d get to swing an ax. Now, before you go all safety-conscious on me, let me remind you that this was in 1954. Back then, eight-year-old boys went to the carnival unescorted, walked long distances alone, and yes, they even swung the occasional ax. Well, I did anyway.

After a couple of hours of fevered chopping, Mr. Lockhart reappeared, gave my stack of kindling a nod of approval, and said it was getting dark so I should go home. As I turned down the path that led to what would certainly be a stinging lecture, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked around and there stood Mr. Lockhart. In his right hand he was holding six one-dollar bills. “This is for the work you did,” George explained. Then he handed me the money, turned on his heel, and walked away.

Six dollars! It was a miracle! It was exactly what I had lost! I could hardly wait to get home and tell Mom what had happened.

When I returned to town the next morning, I made a beeline to the jewelry store and bought the earrings Mom wanted. (She wore them on special occasions for over fifty years.) When I made my way over to the carnival, I didn’t let myself walk within a half-block of the parakeets. I knew I’d be too weak to resist the temptation. Instead, I bought a wad of cotton candy, purchased an unlimited ride pass, and spun myself into oblivion.

I learned several lessons that day, but I think the most interesting one is about influence. When someone you know does something really stupid and your natural inclination is to lay on a lecture and lay it on thick—think about George. He knew better than to smugly point out my obvious poor choices. Before launching into the traditional diatribe laced with “what were you thinking?” and “hard-earned money,” he correctly assessed the situation. He realized my intentions had been pure and that I had most certainly learned my lesson, so instead of lecturing me or preventing me from trying again, he gave me a second chance. What a wonderful idea. He gave me a do-over.

Sometimes it’s just what the milkman ordered.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

Do you have any advice for someone who is looking for a white-collar job and has a conviction in his record? How and when should he or she bring it to the attention of the potential employer?

Signed,
Timing is Everything

 Dear Timing,

You ask a great question. And while many readers might not be in your exact position, I think all of us have been in a similar situation. It may be that we’re applying for a job and have to explain a long period of unemployment on our resume. It could be that we’re in a performance review and need to put a disastrous project in the context of our larger year’s work. Or perhaps it’s pitching a proposal to a client who might find a gap in our credentials worrisome. Hopefully the advice I offer below will be valuable to people in a variety of situations where they need to acknowledge a fly in their ointment.

Let’s answer the easy questions first. Then I’ll offer a social science principle as a guide for your ultimate decision on timing.

First, you have to bring up your conviction as soon as legally required. For example, if you are asked a direct question in an interview or are required to fill out a form, of course you must disclose whatever you’re legally required to share.

Second, you must do it soon. If you wait too long, you risk the potential employer feeling manipulated or deceived.

Third, with that said, you want to wait to bring it up until you’ve established a mental frame of who you are in the employer’s mind that is much larger than the past offense you committed.

To illustrate the psychological principle behind this, I invite you to try the experiment at this website before reading further. It will take about three minutes and is a lot of fun.

Spoiler alert: If you read further before trying the experiment, you won’t enjoy the video!

If you won’t be watching the video, here’s the gist of it. University of Illinois psychology professor Daniel Simons created a video experiment in which six people—three wearing black shirts and three wearing white—pass a basketball to those wearing the same color shirt. Viewers are asked to count how many times the ball is passed by those wearing white shirts. After a minute, subjects report their count. Then, they are asked if they saw anything unusual. Shockingly, the majority report that they saw nothing other than the black- and white-shirted players passing balls. This is so shocking because when they are invited to view the video again, they are stunned to discover that in the midst of the basketball melee, a person in a gorilla suit walks slowly into the very center of the scene, pounds his chest, then saunters off—and they never saw it!

Human beings use heuristics to improve mental efficiency and decision-making. We distill complex realities into simple rules of thumb. When we’re trying to get a handle on a person sitting in front of us, we develop simple labels such as punctual, athletic, lazy, or likeable. These labels act like an instruction to the brain—watch for basketball passes between white-shirted people—that cause us to filter out data that distract from the simple task we’ve created. From this point forward, we suffer and benefit from selective perception. We can even miss a huge gorilla in the center of our visual field because we’re looking only for information that fits our heuristic.

If you share a psychologically significant piece of data early in your relationship with a potential employer—I won the Nobel prize for literature, or I spent twelve years in a state prison—you’ll establish just such a label that will make it likely that additionally significant information could be discounted or ignored.

My suggestion is that you ensure you have shared memorable positive information early in the relationship that helps distract from the gorilla you’re about to have prance onto the scene. And make sure you share it in a way that is sticky for the interviewers.

In our book, Influencer, we have a chapter called Change How You Change Minds. Our key recommendation is that you master storytelling if you want to learn how to influence strongly held perceptions and move people to action. This principle works every bit as well in a hiring situation. Those who avoid spending time on the facts and figures of their lives and tell two or three compelling stories that communicate who they are as a unique and special human being are far more convincing.

So, come up with your “three people passing a basketball” that you’ll focus your prospect’s attention on. Identify two or three potent stories that introduce them meaningfully to what is special about you. Then let the gorilla walk on the scene and hope they’ll keep it in proportion.

Joseph

Inside Steve’s Brain, Expanded Edition by Leander Kahney – This book about Steve Jobs and Apple is an insightful look into the contradictory, messy, passionate job of leadership and brilliance—lest we conclude that life really is about following a career plan and checking tasks off a to-do list.

Leading Change by John P. Kotter – I find it such a powerful idea to make a distinction between “managing change” and “leading change.” His eight-stage process is a practical and useful map for organizational change.

The Soul of a New Machine by Tracy Kidder – This 1981 book won the Pulitzer Prize for non-fiction and deserves a read every couple of years to remind ourselves about the “real world of work” with its psychological torture tests and draconian management techniques and the real people who have dedication, passion, commitment, and pain. It reminds me why we do what we do.

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box by the Arbinger Institute – This is a powerful description of how the impediments of self-deception and systemic collusions paralyze us and undermine our most important relationships. Recognizing and breaking through these barriers frees us to realize our best intentions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dave Angel is a Master Trainer.
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How do you respond when you show a video and a participant comments, “That scenario has nothing to do with my life. Nothing like that would ever happen here. That just doesn’t seem realistic.”?

That’s a very good question. I can remember going through the training for the first time and thinking those same thoughts about a video scenario or two. But then I realized that I was focusing on the scenario content rather than on the skill set I was learning. Talk about light bulbs going off for me! When I stopped getting caught up in the content of the scenario and allowed it to simply serve as the framework for practicing the skill, my learning skyrocketed. I was able to target and practice the skill set without being distracted by whether the scenario was relevant for me. Then, as I moved through the rest of the training, I was cognizant of the skill set rather than the scenario.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Al Switzler is coauthor of four bestselling books, Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer.

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  Dear Crucial Skills,

As we all know, this is a tough job market for both job seekers and employers looking to fill specific and highly skilled roles. I have been lucky enough to land a great job at an admired company and several people have asked me to refer them for our open positions. These are skilled and qualified candidates, but the trouble is I can’t recommend everyone in good faith. Their weak points (communication skills, in particular) or past behavior I observed at work give me pause. I don’t feel comfortable pointing this out and I can’t ignore their requests without looking like a jerk! How can I take the high road here?

Uncomfortable

 Dear Uncomfortable,

For most of us, deciding how to be candid and truthful is often challenging and uncomfortable. And yet, there are some people who don’t seem to have any problem with candor—in fact they vote by their words and actions for being brutally honest. In your situation, these folks would have no problem saying something like, “Are you kidding? You have a lot of skills, but interpersonally you’re a cross between a dweeb and a jerk. Forget it.” If someone challenged them about their civility, they would wax eloquent about being one of the few with the character and courage to speak the truth.

Others vote for the opposite approach—brutal silence. In the situation you’re talking about—employment references—they create a policy or hide behind a policy that allows them to say something like, “In our company, references that come from friends or acquaintances do not count. Sorry.” Or, “Only references from managers count in this new company.” They find a way to sidestep the real issue. I imagine the foundations of this kind of dishonesty come from the old adage, If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Either tactic will ultimately have negative consequences. The brutally honest tactic will no doubt hurt the relationship immediately and the speaker will justify it by saying, “I told him the truth.” Brutal silence or kind dishonesty may not hurt the relationship immediately, but the lack of honest feedback also has the potential to hurt the person who asked for help.

Of course, neither of these tactics is ideal. Both are forms of what we’ve called the “Fool’s Choice” in our new edition of Crucial Conversations. People who make the Fool’s Choice think they have to choose between these two bad alternatives: “I can tell them the truth and lose them as a friend or I can be less than candid and keep them as a friend.”

The masters we’ve studied over the last thirty years use a different tactic. When they feel that they have to choose between two bad options such as candor or kindness, they avoid the Fool’s Choice by pausing and looking for the “and” instead of the “or.” They might say something like, “How can I tell this person that I don’t feel comfortable writing a recommendation and show him that I truly want to be helpful?” Or it might sound like this: “How can I say ‘no’ and keep her as a friend?” In both of these statements, we are trying to find the “and.” We are trying to clarify what we really want and what we really don’t want.

I suggest you do the following.

Your first job is to prepare for the conversation. Think through what you can say and how you’ll say it. When someone springs this request on you and others are present, you should delay. You might say that you’d welcome the opportunity to consider it and ask if you could talk later. This preparation brings you to the point of “taking the high road.”

I think the high road is being able to tell someone the specific reasons you are not able to refer him or her in a way that shows you are a friend. What you don’t want to do is try to soften the message by beginning with a string of praises before delivering the whammy. For example, “I think you are very technical, have great computer skills, and work very hard, but I think your communication skills would not allow you to perform well in the jobs available at this company.”

What is a better approach? After you consider the person’s whole resume, find a private and safe place to talk. Begin by saying that after your consideration, you find yourself in a dilemma. You want to be helpful to your friend and helpful to your company. Tell your friend that you can’t recommend him or her because you don’t think it would be a good fit. Ask if you can share your reasons why, then tell your friend the specific reasons and try to give some suggestions that you think might help him or her improve. Tell him or her this was a tough decision but you wanted to be a friend as well as be honest with your company.

One approach won’t work for every friend. But regardless of the person, make sure that before you speak up, you find out what you really want (to help your friend) and what you don’t want (to refer someone to your company who isn’t a good fit or to lose a friend).

In your efforts to avoid making the Fool’s Choice you will find yourself on that high road.

Best wishes,

Al