VitalSmarts has captured vignettes of some of the most sensitive crucial conversations. Watch as one boss is faced with an awkward performance review, or as a couple tries to talk with their elderly father about his ability to drive. Let us know what you think about our latest round of videos.
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Al Switzler is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
Dear Crucial Skills,
I work with an individual who does not appear to realize she monopolizes every conversation and meeting she is in by giving excessively long and repetitive explanations and background information when discussing an issue. Several of us have discussed this and simply do not know how to approach her without hurting feelings and potentially destroying good working relationships. We think this is a crucial conversation we need to have with an expert on crucial conversations.
Simply Do Not Know How
Dear Simply,
I noted your request to have an expert respond to your question. Since Kerry, Ron, and Joseph are unavailable, I hope you will settle for me.
Your question actually has a fairly straightforward answer. But first, let me start by backtracking a bit.
In chapter one of Crucial Confrontations, we teach a concept called “CPR.” CPR stands for content, pattern, and relationship, and helps you define the type of problem you are facing. The first time a problem comes up, talk about the content, or what just happened. The next time the problem occurs, talk pattern—what has happened over time. If the problem continues, talk about the relationship—what effect the problem has on your relationship.
We ask people to focus on what kind of crucial conversation or crucial confrontation they need to have based on the finding that people often talk about the wrong issue. You can talk about the wrong thing until you’re blue in the face and get no resolution. Unfortunately, people often choose easy conversations over hard ones, simple issues over complex problems, or one instance over a pattern of bad habits. As people take the easy way out, they don’t solve the problem because their discussion never addresses the real issue.
So with that introduction, let me suggest that you have a content discussion. Note that your colleague seems to be unaware of the problem and that neither you nor anyone else has previously brought it up. A content discussion is one of the most straightforward conversations you can have. The process we teach in Crucial Confrontations offers step-by-step suggestions.
1. Choose what and if. You have several indicators that you need to hold this discussion. The main indicator is that you have been concerned about the situation for a while but your conversations have been about her instead of with her. As I suggested, have a conversation with her about content and maybe include a small discussion about the pattern.
2. Make it safe. You need to get your head right before you open your mouth. You need to have a private conversation with your colleague. You need to show in your face and in your tone of voice that you are bringing this up to help—that you have not pre-judged her or oversimplified the concern.
3. Describe the gap. Begin by explaining what you observe versus what you expect. For example, “I noticed you came in today at 8:20 a.m.; working hours start at 8:00 a.m. What happened?”
Granted, it is more difficult to discuss more complex behaviors like the ones you’ve described. Your conversation might begin this way: “Could I talk to you a moment? I noticed in our last meeting that only ten minutes were allotted to several of the agenda items. I also noted that we took about twenty minutes on two of the issues. This made the meeting run over by half an hour. From my perspective, you either gave background information we already knew or went into more detail than we needed—pushing us way over time. I’ve seen this pattern in every meeting this month. My goal is to make sure we all spend our time well. I’d like to talk about this with you.”
Now there are many ways to start this conversation; while my suggestion may not be perfect for you, I’m confident that if you follow these steps and begin with a script, good things can happen.
Your colleague might thank you for your honesty and ask for your advice. Or, she might get upset and be forthright about her feelings. If she gets upset, reaffirm your purpose and the fact that you value your relationship and want to continue to work well with her. She might get upset and go to silence. If she goes to silence, restore safety by reassuring her of your intent to strengthen your relationship.
In conclusion, when faced with this kind of crucial confrontation, focus on the issue using CPR, make it safe for your colleague to speak up, and step up to the conversation honestly and respectfully.
Best wishes,
Al
Kerry Patterson is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
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Since the dawn of humanity, philosophers, scientists, and puppeteers alike have been asking the same penetrating questions: Do we have free will? Do we actually make choices on our own, or is our behavior determined by powerful forces from our environment such as nagging parents, our outlook calendar, or the snarling pit bull next door?
During my first year of college I came to the conclusion that by the time I was aware that much (if not all) of what I did was, indeed, a function of my upbringing and surroundings, it was too late for me to undo the effects. The die had been cast. My language, my actions, my very methods of reasoning—all had been shaped before I realized what was going on.
So, I came up with a plan. In order to regain control of my will, I would act in ways that were opposite to my proclivities. Surely, this would put me back in charge. Ah, but this thought too had been shaped by my life’s experiences and was therefore hardly a choice, so I’d do the exact opposite. I’d follow my natural desires. Wait a minute, this couldn’t be right . . . and thus I swirled down an infinite loop of circular thinking until I eventually stumbled on a philosophy of my liking: gluttonism. I’d think about other (more important) issues over a chocolate milkshake.
And so I plodded along unfettered by concerns over free will/determinism until one fateful day—the day my wife and I bought our first home. Along with the automatic dishwasher and two-car garage, our home came equipped with, of all things, a test of my free will. The test was cleverly disguised as a redwood deck, but it was a test nevertheless and I couldn’t easily escape it.
Here’s how the free-will test worked. The first time I walked out on the second-story deck to take in the view, I leaned over the railing, looked down on our new lawn, and spit. I was thirty-four years old and hadn’t spit in more than fifteen years. My wife certainly had never seen me spit. And my kids, well, the whole idea of their father propelling germ-laden loogies into space was beyond the pale.
Before the spit hit the ground my wife pronounced me a filthy beast, and my seven- and nine-year-old daughters squealed in disgust. Normally the three of them saw it as their job to ridicule me for burping aloud or drinking milk straight from the container. Now that we owned a deck, their job had expanded. Because from that moment on, every single time I leaned against the deck’s rail, it pushed my spit button. It was creepy. I couldn’t not spit. When it came to the deck, I was little more than a loogie-marionette, jerked into action at the mere sight of an open space below me.
As a child growing up in Puget Sound I had lived around docks where, like all of my childhood friends, I spit every time I looked over the edge. It’s what boys did. Children, I’m told, often push their food off their high-chair tray, not solely as a means of rebellion, but as a method for learning depth perception. Perhaps my hard-wired act of spitting as I approached a railing was an extension of this mechanism.
In an effort to re-captain my spit reflex I tried personal pep talks. I’d approach my backyard deck and think, “Don’t spit, don’t spit! You can do it!” But then I’d get distracted (”Oh, a pretty butterfly!”), lean against the rail, and—patoohee—I might as well have been a cowpoke leaning over a spittoon.
“Dad spit three times,” my daughters would tell my wife when she returned from the market.
I mention this problem of reflexively jumping into inappropriate actions not because I want to enter the free-will/determinism debate, but because it’s highly relevant to something I do care a great deal about—improving one’s interpersonal skills. Here’s how the two topics relate. Much of our daily social interaction is tightly scripted. We engage in the same conversations so frequently that they become rote. In fact, if pressed, not only could we say what needs to be said without really thinking about it, we could act out both parts.
The good news is that these patterned responses free up our brains to muse about other things. The bad news is, once we start into a script, it’s hard to change what we do and say. We follow the script much like a well-worn and familiar path—actually, more like a steel railway.
For example, one evening my wife asked me to request fry sauce (a local product) when I ordered our food at a hamburger joint. I entered the queue, waited my turn, and then the clerk started into the counter script.
“May I help you?”
“Why yes,” I replied—and off we went. I didn’t merely know what I was going to say, I knew what the clerk was going to say. He was going to ask me if I wanted fries and a drink and when I said yes, he was going to ask: “Large?”
Of course, once I switched into auto pilot, I flew through the interaction without much thought and, you guessed it, I didn’t ask for fry sauce. I was never going to ask for the fry sauce because the interaction was programmed from the beginning. I started into the counter script, and once I did, I fogged over, coasted along, and stopped making decisions.
This particular issue becomes important to people who have decided to improve their ability to communicate with friends and coworkers. For instance, many individuals who attend our Crucial Conversations Training return to work feeling excited about the prospect of using their new skills. However, despite their enthusiasm, they often don’t think to bring what they’ve learned into play when called upon to do so. When a conversation starts to heat up (at the very moment when they should be thinking: “Cool, this is a time to try out some stuff I learned!”) they get sucked into an old script. Only after the conversation has ended do they realize they missed a good chance to behave differently. At the beginning of the conversation, just before they think to try out their new skills, the dominos of habit begin to fall and—clink, clink, clink—routine behaviors tumble down one after another until, once again, they’ve messed up the entire interaction.
But it doesn’t have to be like this. There are ways to bring cognition—and with it, the hope for change—into highly routine interactions if only you can remind yourself to do so. For those of you who have found it hard to change your conversation style, here are a few hints for breaking the bonds of pre-programmed scripts.
Put up a Sign. This was the ultimate solution to my redwood deck challenge. I posted a sign (on the rail itself) that simply stated “Don’t Spit.” I would read it just before I hit my spit button and I eventually broke the habit. When it comes to learning interpersonal skills, trainees often post pictures of the model they’re following right in their office. This visual cue reminds them of the new way of dealing with high-stakes issues at a time and place when they need the reminder.
Set Aside a Time. With certain behaviors or skill sets, it’s best to set aside a block of time where you can practice what you’ve just learned. For instance, when it comes to holding a crucial conversation, devote an hour a week during which you seek out high-stakes discussions. Then, as opinions vary and emotions start to run strong, you’ll be on guard to bring your newest and best skills into play—avoiding the pitfalls of rote scripts.
Get Cues from a Friend. When I become too forceful, pig-headed—and then maybe a tad punishing—my wife calls me on it. If my bad behavior is aimed at her, she says something to the effect of, “You’re doing it again.” She does this in a pleasant way; I stop, take a breath, and then try to get back on my best behavior. In public when she spots the same nasty habits (only I’m applying them to others) she gives me a look that serves the same function. You can contract with a colleague at work to do the same thing. In short, as you head down the highway of interpersonal disaster, trusted friends hold up a stop sign and you backtrack to the right route.
Apologize and Start Over. Sometimes we miss the cue that says we need to bring newer and better skills into play, but we don’t miss the fact that we’re now careening down a dangerous road because we’ve obviously made a wrong turn (i.e., followed our old scripts). When this happens, rather than keep on truckin’ because you’re already well underway, stop, apologize, and start over. With this practice in your arsenal, you don’t have to be perfect, just willing to try again.
Well, it’s time for me to head to lunch with a friend. He wants to go to this Thai restaurant up the street, but I’m a bit apprehensive. It’s not the spicy food that has me worried. It’s the building. You see, the place has this deck . . . with a railing.
Al Switzler is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. Dear Crucial Skills,
I supervise an employee who appears to be struggling with her responsibilities. We upgraded our software systems several years ago, and she still does not understand how the software works. In the past two years, I have received many phone calls and e-mails from customers and coworkers regarding their concerns with her. I have addressed these problems with her and have also written up a performance improvement plan. However, she still hovers on the line between employment and unemployment. What more can I do?
Struggling with Responsibility
Dear Struggling,
What a question! There are levels and flavors within this question that are intriguing (and ever so pervasive) at work and at home. Of course, the main issue here is accountability.
Over the years, as we’ve consulted with managers to work on accountability skills and with teams to build a culture of accountability, we’ve noted the following:
That distinction is key for a couple of reasons. When even a few low performers are not held accountable, the standard drops for everyone. “Oh yeah,” say colleagues, “Our written standards are A, but our real standards are A minus twenty percent.” Also, performance management systems alone cannot deal with performance gaps. Systems are necessary, but not sufficient. Real-time accountability is the responsibility of every person and is done the moment it’s needed. High, clear standards and real-time accountability from everyone is the key to a healthy culture.
Your direct report has a performance gap. You have followed a process. You have talked to her and even written her up. Given what you’ve shared in your question, here are a couple of suggestions.
Thank you for your question. And best wishes to all who are working to improve accountability, at work and at home.
Al
Joseph Grenny is author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations.
Dear Crucial Skills,
Our hospital offers Crucial Conversations Training, so I was greatly disappointed to witness a recent firing that felt very wrong. A manager who had been with the organization for fifteen years was devoted to her job, but at times, seemed overwhelmed with its demands. Many were concerned about her poor follow-up on projects.
She was recently fired and escorted out of the building. The current leadership says that “for confidentiality reasons” they cannot speak about the incident but she does not feel anyone ever voiced concerns about her performance. Moreover, on further inquiry, it appears that firings of this type almost universally occur in this way at our center.
I have been trying to “Master My Story,” but this feels wrong. I want to speak up but I don’t know where to start. Do you have any ideas?
Signed,
Where to begin,
Dear Where to begin,
I’m happy to help. But before I do, let me offer one more challenge to your “story.” The “facts” in your letter make it entirely possible that your company did everything right. Few companies are public about something as private as performance management. You grant in your letter that this manager, while committed to the company, was not exactly a stellar contributor. And the fact that her dismissal was a surprise to many does not necessarily mean she was not given prior warning and lots of help to make improvements.
With that said, I applaud your desire to have a just and respectful workplace. I believe that, in such a workplace, being dismissed should never be a surprise. Expectations should be so clear, and feedback about performance against those expectations so candid, that everyone will understand the consequences of their current choices. If you believe your organization is not living up to this standard, you can try to have a positive influence by stepping up to some crucial conversations.
Here’s how you can change performance management practices in your workplace.
1. Influence with action. The greatest influence in the world is the influence of norms. When people see visual models of desirable behavior, and when that behavior becomes widespread, it also becomes self-sustaining. However, few people understand that norms change one person at a time. When someone offers a living example of behavior that solves a problem, others can be powerfully influenced by that one person. The behavior often catches on one person at a time.
I once attended a formal meeting in a sweltering hot room. All the men in jackets and ties were absolutely dying from the heat. Everyone wanted to remove the excess clothing, but no one was sure it was “okay.” They kept looking at the big boss with pleading eyes hoping he would make the first move. Finally, one man—not even the most senior person in the room—arrived a bit late, gasped at how hot it was, loosened his tie and removed his jacket. The person next to him looked at him, and slowly removed his jacket. Almost immediately, three or four others did the same. Then the big boss did. Then everyone did. Everyone desired change—they just needed a reasonable person to set the example. Be the reasonable person.
2. Influence with words. While offering a splendid example, you can also accelerate change by speaking up about better ways of managing. But be careful, if you don’t speak up well, you’ll come across as a critic or a bore. Here are some things to keep in mind so you come across as credible and useful, rather than whiny and weak.
Share the facts. It’s sad but true that nothing is more rare in organizations than data-driven arguments. Opinion leaders are often the ones who have done the homework to marshal facts. This doesn’t have to require research teams. It could be that you simply send an informal e-mail to a handful of people you know who left the organization involuntarily and ask a few questions. When you talk to your colleagues and can say, “You know, the last four people we let go report that they did not have any prior warning…” your argument sounds much different from when you simply complain about how your friend was mistreated.
Motivate with natural consequences. After sharing data, share consequences. But be careful to share those that your audience cares about. Don’t be so immersed in your own agenda that you suffer debilitating selfishness. When you’re so absorbed in how the problem affects you, you tend to communicate in ways that make it unlikely others will be motivated to action. You may, for example, influence your colleagues to manage performance better by saying, “I’m aware of five people who updated their resumes when Enid was fired. They saw her dismissal as evidence that no one is safe.”
Under- rather than over-state. When sharing natural consequences and data, never make the mistake of overstating your data. When you do, you undermine your credibility and decrease your influence. In the moment when we’re doing it, we delude ourselves into thinking we’ll achieve the opposite. But people these days are so accustomed to bombastic pundits who use exaggeration as their primary communication tool that we immediately dismiss those who resort to inflammatory excess. Hint: Never start a sentence with “never” or “always”—you’re almost always overstating your data when you do.
Frame criticisms by acknowledging tradeoffs. When you want to offer a critique of what leaders have done, avoid assuming they were simply weak-willed or dumb. In many cases, they already considered some of the concerns you are about to raise but there were other tradeoffs involved. When you’re stepping up to a crucial conversation in which you want to challenge a decision someone made, do your best to imagine potential tradeoffs they faced. Acknowledge those tradeoffs before sharing your additional view of the consequences.
I admire your desire to influence the culture and character of your organization. I hope these ideas help you change your corporate culture for good.
Warmly,
Joseph
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