ABOUT THE EXPERT
Steve Willis is a Master Trainer and Vice President of Professional Services at VitalSmarts.
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Is using sarcasm always considered a form of violence? What about using mild sarcasm to diffuse tense situations and return to safety?

This is a question I get from time to time, and for a while it was a question I didn’t want to answer because of my personal sarcasm production. But, a little while back while entertaining the question myself, I looked into it and came to the following conclusions:

Webster’s defines sarcasm as 1) harsh or bitter derision or irony 2) a sharply ironical taunt; sneering or cutting remark. And the Greek origins of the word have reference to biting the lip in rage and rend flesh from a body.

So with this in mind, I would respond to this question by making it clear that sarcasm is a form of violence and that mild sarcasm still cuts—just maybe not as deep. Therefore I would offer the same advice to anyone considering whether to use a form of violence or silence: while you might have more latitude normally, if the conversation is crucial, even mild forms of silence and violence tends to restrict the flow of meaning rather than open the other person to your point of view.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Al Switzler is coauthor of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. His fourth book, Change Anything, will be available April 2011.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

My boss and I have weekly one-on-ones to stay up to date on ongoing projects and initiatives. However, more often than not, my boss uses this time to gossip about her subordinates, coworkers, and superiors. On occasion, I ask, “What does this have to do with me?” but it never ends well, so I am forced to listen.

I’ve also repeatedly asked my boss to stop gossiping about me to my coworkers, but without fail, after my boss finishes a one-on-one with someone else, they run up to my desk with a tidbit about me.

I want to address this once and for all, but I also want to keep my job so I know I must be delicate. I’d like to have a better relationship with my boss, but can’t help but keep the boundaries high and thick given the circumstances.

Seeking a Trusting Relationship

Dear Seeking,

Before I get to some advice, I’m going to share a few words about issues that affect job satisfaction. My comments here are not based on a scientific study, but on more than thirty years of consulting with organizations and teams. I hope that at the end of this, you’ll see why I started here.

It’s important to make a distinction between a “friend” and an “accomplice.” A friend is someone who helps you; an accomplice is someone who helps you get in trouble. It is often hard to tell the difference. In the moment, when someone encourages you to do something or engages you in a conversation, it is difficult to foresee the consequences. So, what seems to be a friendly gesture can become the act of an accomplice. Over the years, in hundreds of organizations, I’ve seen numerous ways in which colleagues become accomplices. Two categories are clearly at the top of the list.

First, colleagues go to silence. There is an epidemic of silence in organizations all around the world, and the consequences are severe. Problems aren’t addressed, standards are lowered, wasteful practices are continued, and so on.

When people don’t speak up about crucial issues, they become accomplices. Being silent can be a private, individual act because each person has to weigh his or her options and decide if speaking up is the best option. More often than not, the person chooses caution over candor and so problems persist or fester. Peer pressure is also involved in a person’s decision to remain silent. Colleagues become accomplices when they make suggestions like, “We don’t bring things like that up.” Or, “You do that and it will limit your career.” Or, “Upper management doesn’t listen, ever!” Beware of similar comments.

The second way colleagues become accomplices is by gossiping. Gossip can be identified when you or someone you see talks about a person but not to the person. Almost everyone identifies gossip when they see it or hear it, and yet sometimes this gossip is labeled as something more positive like, “I was just venting.” Or, “I was just talking with a friend.” Gossip clearly comes with many negative consequences. Trust and respect are diminished—this is true of the team and it is ultimately true of the gossiper. In addition, the time people spend gossiping is non-value-added time. Work isn’t getting done. And with weaker relationships, future work will be harder to do.

My point is that you are right to concern yourself with these issues. Silence can be deadly. Gossip is hurtful. So what do you do when you face these immediate, costly issues?

I’ll start with a common indirect strategy people use particularly when they don’t feel personally capable to hold a direct conversation or they don’t think they have a strong enough relationship to hold a direct conversation. This strategy is known as the “ground rule” strategy. Ground rules are specific commitments a team agrees to work on that will help them function more effectively. This is done in a small group by brainstorming and it ends with a couple of commitments.

Ground rules help clarify needed behaviors and define boundaries. For example, I’ve seen the following ground rules:

1. If we have an issue with a team member, we will talk to that person directly, privately, and in a professional way.
2. In our conversations about our colleagues, we will be positive and supportive.
3. If someone talks to us about a colleague in a way that is not positive, we will encourage him or her to enact rule #1.

These ground rules are not a panacea. They need to be modified when necessary. You should address these rules in team meetings by asking two questions—”How are we doing?” and “What could we do better?” Ground rules create clear expectations that can positively influence behavior and can make holding others accountable more likely. One of the benefits of this strategy is that it engages the boss and the whole team. You don’t have to hold a dozen conversations over time. You might want to see if your boss will lead this conversation. If you can, you are more likely to deal with the issue “once and for all.”

Finally, I would like to offer some advice for a more direct conversation. I talked about silence and gossip at the beginning of my response because, when you talk to your boss or your colleagues, you will need to explain what you are trying to achieve. What are the benefits, and what are the costs you are trying to avoid? I hope my descriptions will help.

As you’ve noted that you’ve had several conversations with your boss, I think you need to make sure you address the real topic. It could be gossip is not the main issue; it could be that when you have a talk and your boss agrees to take some actions, she doesn’t. The real topic is that you see a pattern of breaking commitments and that is affecting your working relationship. If you share your intentions—what you are trying to do and what you are not trying to do—and then share the facts that you see, you will have the right issues on the table.

I talked about ground rules because I think you have a group problem and you need a solution that will include the group. You may want to practice with a partner or friend before you address the issue again. But you need to address it.

I wish you well,
Al

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Maxfield is coauthor of the bestselling book, Influencer: The Power to Change Anything. His second book, Change Anything, will be available April 2011.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

What should I do if I believe I have reached my “peak” in my company and professional growth is stagnant? I posed this question to HR and managers only to receive dull feedback, which makes me feel they have no ideas or suggestions. I suggested I earn another bachelor’s degree in a field we need, but the tuition assistance program only permits me to take classes directly related to my current position. I have my letter of resignation ready to go and am simply waiting for the job market to improve, but I hate to start over again and prefer to avoid it if possible. What should I do?

Needing Growth

Thanks for your question. Many people are in your position—often without even knowing it. Their careers have stagnated and their jobs may even be at risk. This is a tough situation, but there are actions anyone can take to regain control of a stalled career.

We studied this question while writing our upcoming book Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success. We went into organizations and asked people: “If you were facing a really tough problem at work, and had time to get input from someone in your work group, who would you go to for the best, most trustworthy advice? You can name up to three people.” We found there was a lot of consensus on who these people were. We got what statisticians call a “power curve.” Half the people weren’t named by any of their peers; however, about ten percent were named by nearly half of their peers and were recognized by everyone as the “go to” people. Not surprisingly, managers also named them as the most promotable.

When we look closely at these highly valued individuals—across a wide range of organizations—we learn they share the same three characteristics:

1.  Know Your Stuff. These promotable people are top performers at their current jobs, and put in regular effort to stay on top. If they are software developers then they are among the most skilled at writing code. If they are salespeople then they are among the most skilled at closing sales. They work hard to keep current and hone their craft.

2. Focus on the Right Stuff. Top performers seek out the problems that have the greatest strategic importance to their team, their manager, and their organization—and find ways to contribute in these areas. How do they get to these mission-critical assignments? First, they are intensely interested in understanding their teams’, managers’, and organizations’ priorities, and the challenges these priorities entail. Second, they equip themselves to make their best and highest contribution to addressing these challenges. They work on themselves, their skill set, and their access to critical tasks.

3. Build a Reputation for Being Helpful. Top performers are networkers. But their networks aren’t just a collection of business cards and friends. These promotable people use their expertise and time to develop a reputation for being helpful. They become widely known and respected by others because they help others solve their problems.

With this as a backdrop, consider what you can do to position yourself for career growth inside your organization, or potentially in a different organization. Begin with an honest, steely-eyed assessment of where you stand on the three characteristics of highly valued employees. Do you have a reputation for knowing your stuff, focusing on the right stuff, and being helpful?

Second, work to improve your reputation in these areas. Begin by asking some questions that are a bit different from “what are my career opportunities here?” Instead, get some informal time with the leaders and peers you respect most, and ask them about the most important priorities they see, the most critical challenges they face, and the best way you can help them achieve their goals. There is nothing wrong with asking about career opportunities, but those questions haven’t yielded the results you want. So, try asking questions that will help you build your reputation.

As you discover key priorities and challenges, you may learn you need to skill up, but it’s doubtful you need another bachelor’s degree. It’s more likely a few classes, a certification, or a volunteer assignment will get you the skills and experience you need. For example, if you are trying to get into a project management or supervisory role, can you find a well-known nonprofit organization in the community that would have a specific short-term project you could assist them with in the evenings or on the weekends? You could then add these classes, training certifications, and experiences to your resume and include the people you worked for as references.

These suggestions require that you don’t allow yourself to be limited to what your organization is willing to sponsor. Instead, you may need to invest your own resources and time outside of work in the short-term to achieve your long-term goals. I also want to emphasize the importance of maintaining strong relationships with HR and your management team. You don’t want to have the reputation of a dissatisfied employee—a complainer. That would undercut the very reputation you are trying to build.

I wish you the very best in your career development and agree with your point that the current job market presents obvious challenges for everyone—hopefully short-term challenges.

David

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
 

Al Switzler is coauthor of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. His fourth book, Change Anything, will be available April 2011.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

I need help to work through my relationship with my two married daughters. We live in different states and even though I would like them to call me more often, I initiate most of our conversations. I understand they are busy raising their children, but I need them in my life more than they are. I don’t want to know everything they do, but I would like to have conversations with them several times a week. I have listened to the Crucial Conversations Audio Companion several times and realize that, even though I am their mother, I cannot dictate or expect that they be my friend and talk on the phone daily. It is a delicate subject and I’m not sure how to approach them about it.

Ignored Mother

Dear Ignored,

Some issues are more difficult to bring up than others. When there is a clear agreement it is easier to speak up, but this is rarely the case. The issue often morphs from something that was acceptable to something that was borderline to something that bugs you. In the course of that evolution, we rarely find a way to speak up, and now, at the end of the process, we feel we can’t.

For example, a friend and neighbor you socialize with has had some hard times and now he or she spends whatever time you have together complaining. Every interaction is a downer and makes you feel like Dr. Phil with a muzzle.

Or what do you do when you feel that every conversation with your best friend is one sided? You ask about what’s new, about his or her family, about the economy, about the news (etc.), but he or she never asks any questions about your life. It feels like pulling teeth to have a two-sided conversation.

Or how do you bring up and discuss the fact that your spouse never expresses appreciation? It doesn’t matter what you do for him or her—give flowers, change a flat tire, etc.—he or she never thanks you for your time or efforts.

I bring up these examples because, faced with similar situations, I tell myself stories and explain away the other person’s actions by saying “It’s just how she is,” “He wasn’t raised correctly,” “She will never change,” or “If I speak up, I will just be seen as needy, greedy, or selfish and it will sound like I’m singing loudly, ‘ME! ME! ME!’” You are not alone. I, too, have several of these unaddressed issues on my radar screen. (Yes, we all have challenges.) Maybe as I share some principles and advice, I’ll help find my own answers.

So here is the challenge: How do we determine if we need to speak up? Ask yourself these questions:

Am I acting it out instead of talking it out? The major way we do this is to talk about the person and the problem instead of talking to the person about the issue.

Is that little voice in my head constantly bugging me? If that little voice is saying, “Why doesn’t she call?” “Why do I have to initiate every conversation?” or “Why can’t she be an adult about this?” then I can guarantee subtle nonverbal messages are leaking out—loudly. They will show your frustration and judgments almost every time.

Am I downplaying the costs of not speaking up and exaggerating the dangers of speaking up? If you are trying too hard to convince yourself to remain silent, you have a cost-benefit problem—you’re only counting the costs and not the benefits.

Have I convinced myself that I’m helpless, that there is nothing else I can do? The masters we studied always found a next step, even if that meant working to increase their skills or finding a friend to talk to about the issue to increase their options.

So here are a couple of strategies to help you master your stories and improve your relationships with your daughters.

Make a new agreement. Tell your daughters you’d welcome the opportunity to talk a couple of times a week and find convenient times to do so. For example, suggest that you could call each Sunday night and ask them if there is a regular and convenient time they might call you. If they agree, then you are well on your way to a solution.

Share your intentions. Tell your daughters you’d like to have more regular contact. Tell them what you don’t want—which is to be an interruption during busy times or to take a lot of their time. Tell them you’d like to hear and share what’s happening in their lives, but you don’t think long conversations are necessary. If that works for them, you have a plan.

At this point, there are two options. If they say no, you need to talk about their reasons for doing so and alternative solutions that would work for them. If they agree but don’t follow through, you’ll have to hold them accountable to your plan. Both of these conversations will be much easier to hold because you are already talking and expectations are clear. This is true for family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. (Are you listening to yourself, Al?)

I’ll close with a personal story. For a number of years (okay, ten or twelve), my mother and I didn’t talk very much. Without getting into too many details, let me admit that I quit calling often to see if she would call me. She only called when there was a crisis or when she needed money, and from my perspective, she often didn’t tell the truth. I told myself some very clever stories about her motives and my situation was framed by watching and listening to my wife talk to her mother a couple of times a week. I admired their relationship, so after several years, I told myself a better story and called my mother. After a few calls, I asked if she would call me every once in a while “just to talk.” It was hard, even awkward, at first, but it got better. She still didn’t call very often, but I did. We talked almost every week for years, and our relationship improved. Four years ago, she passed away and I can’t tell you how glad I am that I took that step to call more often.

Best wishes,

Al

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joseph Grenny is the author of three bestselling books, Influencer, Crucial Conversations, and Crucial Confrontations. His fourth book, Change Anything, will be available April 2011.

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Dear Crucial Skills,

It’s my job to influence the people in our company to improve quality—both of incoming raw material and of our outgoing products—and it’s hard.

We’ve got all the “head” stuff right—technical expertise and good quality tools—but we don’t have the heart. And to make it even more difficult, the people I need to influence don’t report to me and are too busy meeting other goals. So I can’t get them to commit to our quality goals—or worse, they commit with their mouths but then don’t deliver. Please help!

Signed,
Sick of Sigma

This is a classic influence problem. And most companies never see it that way.

During the 80s, my partners and I worked with many of the storied U.S. manufacturers who lost their way because of poor quality. We saw stark differences in those who developed a true culture of quality and those who simply went through the motions. Much of that experience informed our writing of Influencer: The Power to Change Anything. Our hope in writing that book was to help leaders become conscious of the fact that leadership is skillful influence. It is the fundamental work of leaders to influence the behavior of people in an organization (it is not the role of HR, the quality department, the ethics department, etc.). And sadly, far too few leaders 1) realize this is their job or 2) have the skill to do so.

So congratulations on the fact that you don’t suffer from problem #1! However, it sounds as though your organization may have a chronic case of problem #2.

Few leaders have an articulated and systematic way of thinking about the insightful question you raise—how do I influence the behavior of a handful, a few hundred, or many thousands of people?

So let me frame your challenge in this way: your job is to influence the influencers. Your job is not, as you said above, to influence the people in your company. You can assist leaders in doing this, but attempting to do it yourself will only lead to frustration and failure.

Here are some suggestions for influencing the influencers:

Help leaders make a connection. Most leaders don’t care about influencing behavior because they don’t see its relevance to results. We’ve worked with some pretty cynical leaders over the years who dismiss influence work as “soft stuff,” but that attitude changes the instant they come to see a connection between behavior and the results they are sworn to achieve.

Too often, those of us who try to influence these influencers make vague arguments about empowerment, teamwork, trust and so forth that require leaders to make a leap of faith in some philosophical argument in order to engage in leading change. That leap isn’t necessary when they can see how concrete, specific, and measurable behaviors are the root of their frustrations.

For example, in one large manufacturing area we found an executive who was a little more accessible than others and we asked him to join us in interviews with the five departments in his factory that consistently produced the highest quality output as well as five average teams. We conducted hour-long focus groups in each of these teams to elicit the behaviors the team thought were helping or not helping.

At the conclusion, it was clear to this executive that one of the most damaging behaviors in the mediocre teams (and even more so in the poor performing teams) was a lack of peer accountability. He heard story after story of peers witnessing others shipping poor quality goods or skipping quality processes without so much as raising a finger, let alone a concern, and left a zealot about changing this behavior. Once he saw the connection between concrete “vital behaviors” and his critical results, he was spurred into action.

Focus on results. Your job is to help leaders see the connection between behavior and results. If you do this right, your senior leaders will begin to realize you have “mutual purpose.” They’ll see you aren’t just nagging them about quality, but that your interest is in improving results overall. Never let yourself get pigeonholed into a smaller agenda than that of the larger enterprise or you’ll lose influence with those you most need to engage. Always present your proposals in a way that demonstrates how your entire motivation aligns with that of your senior leadership team.

Influence with data. So let’s say you’re trying to involve some more accessible leaders in exploring the relationship between behavior and results—and they aren’t biting. You’re framing everything you present in terms of enterprise interests—and it’s still not working. You don’t have the formal authority to compel anyone to pay attention to your objectives. What can you do?

The best strategy you can use is to influence with data. Leaders’ mental agenda is set by the “data stream” they live within. The kinds of reports, measures, and indices served up to them regularly determine what they think about. That’s why leaders appear to have different “values” than frontline workers. Those on the front line accuse leaders of only caring about the bottom line, while those at the top can sneer at the frontline workers who don’t see the “big picture.” This predictable conflict doesn’t happen because DNA is different at the top than at the bottom. The problem isn’t one of IQ or values. It’s one of data. Senior leaders receive a steady stream of enterprise level data. Those on the front line are influenced by data about product, schedules, rework, or other in-the-trenches concerns. So if you want to change someone’s mental agenda, change the mix of data they receive.

One of the best examples of influencing without authority I’ve seen was led by Donald Hopkins—a brilliant but humble MD who wanted to get the attention of heads of state in twenty countries in order to eradicate Guinea worm disease. Most of these leaders didn’t care a whit about the Guinea worm because it was a rural disease. These leaders saw, thought, and cared most about urban issues—where the bulk of their populations lived. So Hopkins had to get their attention. He started by developing a nationwide measure of Guinea worm infections. When it appeared to be one villager here and another there, the scale was hidden. But when the president of Nigeria, for example, saw that there were 3.5 million infections each year in his country. He began to sit up. Then when he saw that his country was doing worse at addressing this than neighboring countries, he began to lean forward. From there, Hopkins was able to suggest ways he could influence change and remove this awful scourge.

I hope some of these ideas are useful as your work to influence your influencers. Your role is crucial in your organization—and influence is your primary skill set!

Best wishes,
Joseph

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

David Maxfield is coauthor of two bestselling books, Change Anything and Influencer.

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Participants in my Influencer training got into quite a debate on where addictions like gambling fit in the six source model. They are unclear about whether or not the behavior can be attributed to personal motivation or personal ability. What is your view (and rationale for your view)?

I think that addictions include both personal ability and motivation.

Ability: Many addictions have inheritable components. Many create physical withdrawal symptoms. Many create lasting changes to the addict’s brain. And overcoming an addiction usually requires extensive skill building.<./p>

Motivation: Many addictions take the form of urges that are difficult, but not impossible, to resist. Often an addiction begins as pleasure-seeking behavior.

In our new book, Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success, we devote an entire chapter to addictions. The data suggest that overcoming addictions (alcohol, gambling, smoking, sex, drugs, etc.) requires all six sources of influence.

David Maxfield